I need her back...

[DH27]

Hey, sorry to butt in again! Travis, did you have any suggestions after my post?

Hope all is well. My heart goes out to you all.

Butt in any time. Don't matter none

[MattyTee]

Blurple man, you are right.

 

I do know that deep down. I sort of felt okay last week and spent some time going out with people etc. This week has been tough with lots of missing her and feeling heartbroken about our future that was to be (yeah I know, don't dwell on that one ). It's a lot of stuff all at once: first relationship; sure she's the 'one'; engaged and planning a life together etc etc.

 

Still, I know it's a roller-coaster. It's hard with it being long-distance to let her know that I'm doing okay. I did have light contact at first and she even said she was proud of me for looking after myself so well (yeah, okay maybe she didn't realise the 'whole' truth of it - the hours of crying etc *lol*).

Still, I'm doing okay. Working out like Rocky, reading every book I can get my hands on about relationships and self-esteem, gone back to martial arts and trying to drag myself out and have some fun with friends now and then.

It's nice to have somewhere to see that you aren't alone and where you can get supportive comments, so thanks guys

[Briggs55]

I was with this girl for about 4 months, we were pretty serious and we were crazy about each other. sure we had our problems, but thats how every relationship is. Near the end of our relationship I had started having second thoughts about us, and broke up with her. She tells me this was devastating to her . About three weeks after the breakup, and after late night talks with her, I realized how much of a fool I was. I had given up something so amazing.

 

I told her how I felt and that I wanted to give us another try, but by this time she said she had moved on and didn't have those kind of feelings for me any more. I didn't give up though. I made plans for picnics, going out to eat, days at the park, and just hanging out. Also, I gave her two roses, and she loved them. Im pretty sure she set them by her bed in a vase. We always text each other almost all day every day. While we were at my house on 3 occasions we have gotten close to each other and cuddled. She tells me it feels good and has even said she felt secure and perfect when cuddling with me, but she never rubs me back, like when we hold hands and I rub her hand with one of my fingers. She doesn't do that back, like she used to when we were together. Its obvious to tell when she wants to be up close to me, because she either lays next to me in my bed, or when we are driving she sticks her hand out onto the center console or something like that to show she wants me to hold her hand.

 

The last instance where this sort of thing happened was last Wednesday. She was in my bed and I layed down next to her and she was complaining about back aches so I gave her a massage and she loved it, and then we just layed there cuddling. But yesterday (Friday) we went and saw a movie, my treat, and on the drive there and home she always had something in her left hand, her phone or my ipod. This may not seem like a lot but it means that she didn't want me to hold her hand. We got back to her house and I got out of the car and we talked for about 10 minutes outside her house, we hugged nice long meaningful goodnight hugs (just hugs because I know that kissing is out of the question still) and she went to sleep.

 

Now it may seem like I'm on the road to getting her back, but we have had talks since all these instances and she tells me that she doesn't know what to do. She says that she doesn't want to jump back into the relationship because she is scared that she will want to break it off a month later and break my heart, but she says she likes being held by me. She says she wants to be friends, and take it really slow, but I don't want this to turn into us just being friends. I kind of have the feeling that she still doesn't have feelings for me. She is leaving for college today, and I am leaving tomaro, but we are going to the same college (Purdue), and we are both 18 years old.

 

This is really long and I'm sorry, I just want to get all the information out that I can so I can get the best help. I am afraid that once we get to college I wont be able to see her very often, because of conflicting schedules. I'm also afraid that she will meet someone else as she lives in co-ed dorms. It feels like she is playing hard to get, but I don't know these games so let me know if I'm right or wrong. I don't know if I should call her, try and talk to her often, hold her as often as I can to maybe light a spark in her again, or give her space to think. Like I said I don't know these games. I don't want to lose her again. I know that we can grow and eventually love each other. She is an amazing girl. So I'm basicly asking, how should I go about getting her back? As asked before, should I try and relight a spark through me taking action? Or some other way.

 

In short, it's over. There's no point in investing anymore time in this girl (from a relationship standpoint). Did you text her everyday/hang out/give her roses while you were still together? Were you two together everyday? You need to give girls the gift of missing you and a chance to think about you and miss you, instead of spending every waking moment with them. Seeing someone everyday will make it's novelty wear thin fairy rapidly.

 

You may think she still wants to be with you but she doesn't. The cuddling means ****, she is just using you as outlet for her own attention and validation. Is there any particular reason why you broke up with her? It's too late to patch things up now, you dumped her, she felt rejected and has now moved on. You regretted the decision, now wanting her back, but alas she has all the power and knows it.

 

You're better off letting this fish go and pursuing other girls, this will help you move on, and get her off your mind.

 

And tell me something else, why do you need her back? Does having her define your self worth as a human being?

[Travis L]

Hey, sorry to butt in again! Travis, did you have any suggestions after my post?

Hope all is well. My heart goes out to you all.

 

Hey man, sorry I can't be of more help... I think the advice given to you by others is right on.

 

I'm chest high in the weeds right now... I can't find my own path. I'm pissed, frustrated, and all other negative emotions that I can associate with it. The weird thing is I feel like I am in a worse off position as he left her. She mopes around her house, crying on my shoulder, telling me how she wished he wanted her. I just wanna jump off a building into a pool of my own vomit. I am knee high in the friend zone and I fear there is no turning this around.

 

Time for me to move on... Good luck guys!

[Blurple]

Hey man, sorry I can't be of more help... I think the advice given to you by others is right on.

 

I'm chest high in the weeds right now... I can't find my own path. I'm pissed, frustrated, and all other negative emotions that I can associate with it. The weird thing is I feel like I am in a worse off position as he left her. She mopes around her house, crying on my shoulder, telling me how she wished he wanted her. I just wanna jump off a building into a pool of my own vomit. I am knee high in the friend zone and I fear there is no turning this around.

 

Time for me to move on... Good luck guys!

 

Travis... This happend to me too when my ex got dumped by her bf when i was trying to get back with her... It took her about a month to get over it then she started to get closer to me. I told her how much of a d bag he was blah blah blah once she was over him and everything blew over she started to slowly come back to me. I would start nc now and wait for things to blow over with her maybe a month or so and take her on a DATE dont just meet up for coffee start to re-court her...

 

 

DONT GIVE UP!!!!!

[Ocean-Blue]

Hey man, sorry I can't be of more help... I think the advice given to you by others is right on.

 

I'm chest high in the weeds right now... I can't find my own path. I'm pissed, frustrated, and all other negative emotions that I can associate with it. The weird thing is I feel like I am in a worse off position as he left her. She mopes around her house, crying on my shoulder, telling me how she wished he wanted her. I just wanna jump off a building into a pool of my own vomit. I am knee high in the friend zone and I fear there is no turning this around.

 

Time for me to move on... Good luck guys!

 

Travis...why do you allow her to do that to you? Why not cut off ties with her? I've seen this happen too many times...the ex becomes the shoulder to cry on...

[Blurple]

If you guys give up on me im gonna be pissed. I have been trying to get back with my girl since july 6th. I went thru alot from her telling me to **** of to her saying she doesnt love me. to where i am at now.. she finally said she wants to get back together but its not definite when we still have somethings to work out.

 

Look you guys, I was in the hospital because of how bad i was hurting I couldn't eat I was dehydrated, anemic, racing pulse, cold sweats. I hit rock bottom, none of you guys can give up until I say you can!!!!!!!

[carrotgirl]

Blurple has spoken.

 

Now everybody go eat something nourishing and drink a non-caffeinated, non-alcoholic beverage.

 

Carrot

[DH27]

Update...oh so good update:

 

Today was great. I got a text from her in the morning around 8:30 in the morning and we talked the rest of the day. Well I told her I was going to go eat, and she said "so your gonna go eat without me huh?". Well I played this cool and just joked around with her until she practically told me she wanted to come eat with me. We made plans and went to eat. Afterwards she invited me back to her dorm where we just hung out, joking around and flirting. We had two mutual friends come over that are dating each other. We were all hanging out when those two went up into her loft bed. So it was just me and her watching tv on her blowup mattress shes got under her loft bed. She then turned off all the lights and came over and layed down on me. We were sitting there cuddling for about 10 minutes when she fell asleep. I was tired too and wanted to sleep but I was too overjoyed. She slept in my arms for about 30 minutes until I had to leave for a meeting at my fraternity.

 

I'm so happy. I feel like I'm really on the road to getting back together with her. After I left we continued to text message each other. I'm gonna continue to play it cool and do what I've been doing, cause it seems to be working

[Blurple]

Update...oh so good update:

 

Today was great. I got a text from her in the morning around 8:30 in the morning and we talked the rest of the day. Well I told her I was going to go eat, and she said "so your gonna go eat without me huh?". Well I played this cool and just joked around with her until she practically told me she wanted to come eat with me. We made plans and went to eat. Afterwards she invited me back to her dorm where we just hung out, joking around and flirting. We had two mutual friends come over that are dating each other. We were all hanging out when those two went up into her loft bed. So it was just me and her watching tv on her blowup mattress shes got under her loft bed. She then turned off all the lights and came over and layed down on me. We were sitting there cuddling for about 10 minutes when she fell asleep. I was tired too and wanted to sleep but I was too overjoyed. She slept in my arms for about 30 minutes until I had to leave for a meeting at my fraternity.

 

I'm so happy. I feel like I'm really on the road to getting back together with her. After I left we continued to text message each other. I'm gonna continue to play it cool and do what I've been doing, cause it seems to be working

Good job you get a cookie!!!!

 

 

Today my gf called me.. She has been very weird about me hangout with her and her friends she never wanted me to be involved.. well today she invite me to a corn maze and a haunted house on friday... she was very happy I was gonna come with her and her friends... !!!!

[carrotgirl]

Aw. DH that's goood to here.

 

Now it's time to take a day off. No more texts to her and no more phone calls or e-mail from now until Friday. This is a day of unbroken enjoyment and strength gathering for you.

 

Take one day off from the drama. Savor this feeling. Spend some carefree NON-girl time with your brothers. Do your laundry and put clean sheets on your bed. Take care of the things that need taking care of, not the girl - YOU. This is not a request. Just do it. You'll thank yourself.

 

She can wait until Friday (and she will). She's not going anywhere. You also have a homework assignment between now and Friday. Learn about three different news/media stories that interest you that you never knew anything (or not much) about before.

 

Have some liquids - no booze and that nourishing meal.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Good job you get a cookie!!!!

 

Today my gf called me.. She has been very weird about me hangout with her and her friends she never wanted me to be involved.. well today she invite me to a corn maze and a haunted house on friday... she was very happy I was gonna come with her and her friends... !!!!

 

Blurple, see above message to DH. You do the same. Whole day off from the drama starting now until Friday. Take care of you, eat, drink and do the homework assignment.

 

Carrot

[Travis L]

Travis... This happend to me too when my ex got dumped by her bf when i was trying to get back with her... It took her about a month to get over it then she started to get closer to me. I told her how much of a d bag he was blah blah blah once she was over him and everything blew over she started to slowly come back to me. I would start nc now and wait for things to blow over with her maybe a month or so and take her on a DATE dont just meet up for coffee start to re-court her...DONT GIVE UP!!!!!

 

Thanks for the pep talk B! I hear ya... My mind is telling me to give up but my heart says there is still hope. It's so odd as I had more hope when she never called me (first 3 weeks of the breakup) than I have now (I spend every day with her). I need to disappear for a while.. I keep saying this to myself but just can't pull the trigger. I got so pissed off that I up and left her apartment, telling her I need space. I sent her the following text message to her as an explanation. It was so stupid but i was deep in the weeds and reacted based upon an emotional outburst:

------------

I just want you to understand why I need time away from you. If you would have tried as hard as you tried with {new boy}, maybe we could have gotten some where. Instead of taking the time to think about us and all that we had together, you jump in a relationship with him in less than two weeks! Thirdly, you blamed a lot of our problems on me when you did the same thing to {new boy}. Fourthly, I treat you like Gold and I get **** on...all the freaking time. Maybe someday you will open your eyes and see what you let walk out your door while you wish that things would have worked with a douche bag that treated you like ****. I can't believe you said you have all this new stuff and no boyfriend...DUH, you walked out on the best thing in your life, other than your family and yourself. Wake up, start caring about those people who matter and quit trying to force people who never loved you to change. You chose to throw me away for some six pack abs. Good Luck {ex's name}... I have to walk away for a long time as I need to learn to care about me more than I care about you.

-------------

She texted me back saying she wishes I didn't feel that way. Then she called me today to have me come over to help her and I caved, like always. Guess what...she started crying over her rebound guy again. I am such a freakin' chump. I need to go NC so I don't make the situation worse.

[Travis L]

Travis...why do you allow her to do that to you? Why not cut off ties with her? I've seen this happen too many times...the ex becomes the shoulder to cry on...

 

Why, you ask? Obviously, I am a chump who cares more about her well being than my own. It's twisted and I need to get away from her for a while to fix the problem. Why don't I just do it and quit talking about? Your answer is as good as mine because I know all to well what i need to do. I'm sinking fast Ok, I feel a lot better after getting this off my chest.. Jesus, I just got an awesome job this week, going to buy my 1st house...everything is spot on except the little ex who has chosen to plant herself in my heart and not let go.

 

My roller coaster has plummeted...any further and I'm going to catch on fire in hell.

[Faith4u]

I don't think she is playing a game. She may feel confused about you.

You need to tell her how you feel one last time and tell it all. See what she' says and whatever it is that she responds have in your mind that you are ready to moove on.

 

Sometimes we want to fix things and we are more attracted to the people that reject us. Some people feed on that and spend their lives attracting that sort of situations. You don't want to live like that I hope.

 

You are both young, I am sure time will sort things out no matter if you stay together as lovers or as friends. Hey, at least you will have her friendship and that can change when the time is right!

 

Good luck !

[Travis L]

I don't think she is playing a game. She may feel confused about you.

You need to tell her how you feel one last time and tell it all. See what she' says and whatever it is that she responds have in your mind that you are ready to moove on. Good luck !

 

Thank you faith. I have heard two suggestions. There are, in fact, two schools of thought.

 

A) NC/LC to get her to miss you and take a look at what is going on and how she really feels. If you don't do this, you risk giving her her cake and letting her eat it too. She loses nothing as she has me around to fill her needs yet she can have a BF for her loving needs.

 

B) Love her 100%. If you show her your love 100% without being needy you show her what a great person you are and show her how she should be treated. Be there whenever she needs you yet don't be pushy. The good is that she sees how she should be treated but you risk her having her cake and eating it too

 

I've shown her love even when it hurt me to do so. I want to just spill my guts in a none forceful way, when the time is right. Just clearing the air and putting it all on the line. This will leave her with a decision. She can choose to try again with me or not. If not, I walk away. In walking away I give her time to reflect and miss me.

[carrotgirl]

Trav, just a reminder - NC/LC isn't about getting someone to miss you. It's about taking time away from the crazy making and stressors. It's about re-fortifying yourself. NC/LC is about YOU.

 

How about you take a day off from the drama too? One totally girl-free day on your terms and you do the homework exercise with the other guys. If you all pool your three things, that gives each of you a possible nine new topics of conversation.

 

Conversation that isn't about your she-friends. It's sounds simplistic huh? it is. And in case you're wondering, my three topics today were

1. Tomorrow (Oct 11) is National Take Your Teddy Bear to Work Day

2. Steven Pinker's light and breezy article Why We Swear

3. What's more fun in Halo 3? Hammers or swords? (pssst. the hammer is more fun)

 

Give yourself the day off. Learn something new. Stay away from anything girly. That includes girls.

 

Carrot

[Blurple]

1 vote for tell her how you feel and NC!!

[DH27]

I wish I could give you advice on which one to do...but I don't know, I used a combination of both. Then again I'm not out of the water yet!

 

Agreed with carrot. Tomorrow, if she doesn't contact me, then its me day.

[carrotgirl]

Agreed with carrot. Tomorrow, if she doesn't contact me, then its me day.

 

DH, re-read what I wrote please. Tomorrow is you day even if she does make contact with you.

 

You don't answer the phone. You don't answer e-mails or texts. You don't IM her. Tomorrow is a girl-free all DH day. You can contact her back Friday.

 

And do the homework. You'll be amazed at the difference having three new topics of conversation makes for you. 'Cause dude, you know folks IRL are just being polite when you're talking about your she-friend.

 

One day off no matter what she does.

 

Carrot

[Travis L]

Trav, just a reminder - NC/LC isn't about getting someone to miss you. It's about taking time away from the crazy making and stressors. It's about re-fortifying yourself. NC/LC is about YOU.

 

Actually carrot, I've been here since June and from what I have read, NC is about you while LC is more of a missing you technique. We tend to use these terms interchangeably but there are even variations of NC (strict: not giving or receiving any contact, moderate:allowing some contact but not giving any). LC is usually a combination whereby you initiate very little contact and accept most contact. It gets confusing but I suppose my best route would be moderate NC whilst seeming too busy to meet. There is Plan A/Plan B, as well, in which you shower them with attention and then pull the rug out from under them but this is usually used for cheating spouses.

 

There is a plethora of techniques so I shall refrain from using any one term. I would like to tell her how I feel and then stop contacting her at all. I will usually not take any calls but return them within a day or two. I am not trying to play games but she needs to see what she is missing. Right now she is in the fog and a delusion of thinking she can have my ass being happy just being her friend.

 

By the way, I have spent the last 4 months focusing on me...got into grad school, a new job starts within weeks, buying my first home, lost 42 pounds (god, I look good now..hehe), read just about every major book and webpage that relates to improving yourself in a relationship (want to be a step a head for the next go at a relationship). I also have gone on dates with over 10 women... I have yet to buy Halo 3 yet I am waiting for Call of Duty 4. I enjoy killing more realistic characters Anyway, I know the mistakes I have made in the past and I will not make them again. I'm not perfect...but I am working on it...

[Travis L]

1 vote for tell her how you feel and NC!!

 

Thanks B... I think this is what I am going to have to do. Let it all hang out and let the chips fall where they may..

[carrotgirl]

Trav, repeat after me. Girls aren't objects. Girls aren't objects. Girls aren't.... You hearing me?

 

You can read every book and you can hear all of the advice in the world, and as long as you think of girls as objects to be acquired, you're going to wind up unhappy even when you get the girl.

 

Why? Because she has ideas and thoughts of her own. Eventually those ideas and thoughts are going to conflict with yours. That's just the way of human beings.

 

Not trying to harsh on you here but do you really like this girl? I mean like her as a person? If you don't like her enough to just be friends with her, why would you want to date her?

 

Carrot

[Travis L]

Trav, repeat after me. Girls aren't objects. Girls aren't objects. Girls aren't.... You hearing me?

 

Not trying to harsh on you here but do you really like this girl? I mean like her as a person? If you don't like her enough to just be friends with her, why would you want to date her? Carrot

 

Hi, Carrot - I think you are preaching to the choir here. In spite of all of her flaws, imperfections, etc... I love her with all of my heart. I'm not sure how you got the idea that I thought of her as an object to be acquired but that is not the case.

 

Why would I want more than just a friendship? I see her as the ONE. There are several ONE's out there but this is the one that I want. She is the one I have spent the last four years developing a loving relationship with. She is the one I have lived with and experienced my life with. Why would anyone want more than just a friendship? I could give you the physiological explanation but I will leave that for school.

 

Instead, I will just say that I love her and desire more than a friendship with her. A friendship has been the core of our 4 year relationship. Obviously something happened during this time that reduced my appeal towards her. This time I could get into the psychological reasoning behind her departure but I will just say that our relationship lost the spark and "fun-factor." I was a week from proposing marriage when she walked out the door...saying she loved me and wanted to marry me...just not right now.

 

Finally, I will say that I am selfish (just like everyone is to some degree). I don't want to spend my life around her as a friend desiring more. That is not fair to her or to me. I need to either have all of her or none of her, for now. Maybe a few years down the road when I am married to someone else and so is she...then we can be JUST friends. I am an asset that deserves what he wants. Call it pride, arrogance, confidence, whatever... I love her enough to say goodbye to her if that would be the best for her...I don't think that is the case.

 

Can we please move on from my reasoning behind wanting more than a friendship. I am in second chances because that is what I want...a second chance.

[carrotgirl]

Hey no worries. I've been reading your posts and you seemed like you were looking at this as a bit of a challenging game to get the girl back. Thanks for setting things straight.

 

Carrot