I need her back...

[niceguy27]

You are doing good. Now that you know kind of how to handle this situation you did the right thing. Us guys dont always have to initiate things. Even if we want to out of desire and not insecurity, its good that you let her take the initiative. Good one man!

[Blurple]

Question she wants to get back together but she admits to being a little bit standoffish and wondering if I am really right for her???? she said she is still scared I guess?

 

all in all what should I do ... NC bad idea.. just roll with it what do you think?

[CD111]

Wow, well I have spent the last 45 minutes reading this ENTIRE thread, that I should have been doing my homework in, and I have to say I am quite impressed. Being a girl, I have to say whatever girl you guys end up with should feel really lucky. Some serious effort has been expelled here. I have become a little bit wiser after reading all this LOL. I would like to ask you guys a little bit of advice. If I may. I have recently realized that after eight months of NC. I have realized that I miss my ex....alot. I was the dumper. I recently posted the thread "MY STORY" so if you want more info about my particular case it's all there. I will add this though, even though it's super hard to let go and give the other person space, it has to be done. I needed to sort my brain out. If the girls really have true feelings for you guys after months and months they will come back.

I have an pretty assertive personality, if I want something I go for it and am not afraid to be rejected. I much rather just like to here the truth so I can move on from where ever. I will definitely say girls like a guy that's assertive and can be in charge. Even me, not all the time 50/50 would be ideal for me. During our relationship I was the one in charge most of the time, I didn't see him as an equal towards the end. Girls like confidence, don't be a jerk though. So yup out of the blue, ok I ran into him, unplanned. I decided to write a three page letter about how I felt and personally gave it to him, it was sort of awkward, but i did it. Sometimes I wonder where I get the nerve to just do stuff like this but I do and it makes me smile. It's been a few days, haven't heard anything yet. He saw a therapist for a few months and I have a feeling she told him to do exactly what you guys have been doing for the last few months if I ever show any interest again or he has really moved on and I am screwed. If that is the case well then I can move on too. I all most want to call her up and just ask her if I have a chance. Haha So here is my question you guys definitely seem to care a whole bunch about your ex's as mind did about me. The break up was devastating for him. Do you guys think I have a chance? I know what I am saying is exactly what you guys want to here from you ex's. This wasn't some meaningless 2.5 yr relationship to either of us. Thanks for letting me butt in, I am new here but will be around so I hope it's ok if I make a comment or two.

[Blurple]

Wow, well I have spent the last 45 minutes reading this ENTIRE thread, that I should have been doing my homework in, and I have to say I am quite impressed. Being a girl, I have to say whatever girl you guys end up with should feel really lucky. Some serious effort has been expelled here. I have become a little bit wiser after reading all this LOL. I would like to ask you guys a little bit of advice. If I may. I have recently realized that after eight months of NC. I have realized that I miss my ex....alot. I was the dumper. I recently posted the thread "MY STORY" so if you want more info about my particular case it's all there. I will add this though, even though it's super hard to let go and give the other person space, it has to be done. I needed to sort my brain out. If the girls really have true feelings for you guys after months and months they will come back.

I have an pretty assertive personality, if I want something I go for it and am not afraid to be rejected. I much rather just like to here the truth so I can move on from where ever. I will definitely say girls like a guy that's assertive and can be in charge. Even me, not all the time 50/50 would be ideal for me. During our relationship I was the one in charge most of the time, I didn't see him as an equal towards the end. Girls like confidence, don't be a jerk though. So yup out of the blue, ok I ran into him, unplanned. I decided to write a three page letter about how I felt and personally gave it to him, it was sort of awkward, but i did it. Sometimes I wonder where I get the nerve to just do stuff like this but I do and it makes me smile. It's been a few days, haven't heard anything yet. He saw a therapist for a few months and I have a feeling she told him to do exactly what you guys have been doing for the last few months if I ever show any interest again or he has really moved on and I am screwed. If that is the case well then I can move on too. I all most want to call her up and just ask her if I have a chance. Haha So here is my question you guys definitely seem to care a whole bunch about your ex's as mind did about me. The break up was devastating for him. Do you guys think I have a chance? I know what I am saying is exactly what you guys want to here from you ex's. This wasn't some meaningless 2.5 yr relationship to either of us. Thanks for letting me butt in, I am new here but will be around so I hope it's ok if I make a comment or two.

 

If you really want him back letters wont do it... try to contact him... be slow dont scare him... Meet up and just talk... If he wants to come back he will.. I dont think there is any trick to getting guys to come back. but when it comes to girls you have to lay your cards down at the right time... ahhh it give me a headache but me and my ex now gf had a great sweetest day yes I love her...

 

He might think your going to leave him again... when my GF first broke up with me then wanted to get back together she took my shopping... how weird is that.. she bought me a lot of new clothes because i spent most of my money on taking care of her.

 

 

When my ex was trying to get back with me (the same girl im trying to get back with now) she used to brake into my house at like 3 in the morning and bring me food and cuddle up with me LOL I miss that

[CD111]

I am confused on what to do, I think Blurple is right he might view him contacting me as a sign of weakness. Since that was one of our issues and he knew he had to be more assertive. However, I don't feel like I should try to contact him further or pursue him more, it's not beyond me, I could think of come crazy plan to try to show him I still care. Like painting the side of a bridge on his drive home or something with "Chris still thinking about you and my name". LOL However, because I am the girl I feel like he needs to put forth some more effort this time. By that I mean, putting himself on the line a bit. I was the one who initiated the relationship in the beginning. We worked together, I had told a coworker that I was interested in him. She got him thinking about it by telling him someone liked him. That wasn't my intention but she just couldn't keep her mouth shut. LOL So after a few days I just walked up to him at work and said I was the one who liked him and that we should go out and do something sometimes and then I left the room. He was speechless, it was great. So I feel like if he wants this to work he needs to take some initiative. I did dump him though, so he probably needs some reassurance too. I am confused.

[MattyTee]

Well CD, I think a lot of guys secretly hope their ex's will come and post things like that here

 

I think an important thing to remember here is that he will have experienced a lot of pain over the past few months. It's a good sign that he's been seeing a therapist and it doesn't mean he was seeing them to get over you. The thing is you will have to take it slowly - he will most likely be scared of trusting again. If you look at a lot of the advice here you will see that most people are reluctant to respond initially and will make you do the work for him. If he still has feelings for you then it might well take a bit of work on your part to show him that things could work again. It really depends how much you want to be with him and whether you are willing to let it take the time it takes and do the work it takes.

 

Sorry, that isn't very clear is it

[niceguy27]

Nice to hear a woman's point of view on this! Its been 8 months...That is quite a while to have had time to sort things through. If you guys had that close of a r/s, there is no reason at all to avoid him now. He has had plenty of time to sort through his feelings too. The biggest problem it seems with second chances is that there is still the chance that the original issues have not been worked out (havent read your original post yet).

 

If you think they have been worked out then take it very slow. Call him up, yes YOU call him up, and talk for a few minutes about whatever. keep it nice and light. When the convo gets to a high point, make a STATEMENT to meet up for coffee or a drink. If he beats around the bush, say something like, "Gee, Im not asking to get married!" Then kind of laugh. Just keep the meeting short (45 min) and funny. You guys will both be testing the waters at that point. Go out a few times and see where it goes. Dont bring anything up until it gets to the point where you feel that connection with him...Kind of like when you first met.

 

Since you dumped him, he will be hesitant to open back up right away. PLUS, YOU have to be ready for the long haul again. If you give it a second shot, you have to be 100% sure you want him and nothing more. I would take back my ex in a heartbeat but now that I know some of the reasons that lead to the separation, I will be able to tread a lot different than before.

 

On a side note...Since you dumped him, did you date and stuff in between and then realize just what you had with him (we dont get a lot of women posting in here)? And did you guys do a lot of NC during that time?

 

Could you read another thread of mine (kind of long) but I think you will like it and I would like to get your advice since my ex left me: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t129048/

[CD111]

Yeah, I have been out living my own life. I have dated a bit. I am not much of a dater, I prefer to be friends with a guy first and see where it goes. But, yes I have befriended numerous guys. Have gone on a few dates and had a long distance relationship for a few months. The guy was a great guy and we saw each other a few times, I just wasn't willing to move cross-country for him and even though we had a great time together and could communicate really well, our lives were heading in two different directions. He is settle down with a house and a demanding career in which he works lots of overtime. I am finishing my master's, have a bunch of opportunities and like to travel. So I called things off with him two months ago. He was pretty pessimistic too, I am a total optimist that bothered me. I definitely see him in a platonic way. I have say that my ex, the one I would like to work things out with. Definitely needs some time to think about the letter I gave him, however, I would definitely feel deceived if he starts playing games with me. Like many of you have suggested to each other. I don't need my heart to be manipulated with. If he wants to know something he can just ask. I'll tell him the truth. Because all I want from him is the truth as he feels it currently to be. I don't deserve to be jerked around. But the ball is in his court now so the jerking around may start and that would probably be a quick finish on my part. I know he definitely doesn't think like me at all LOL.

[Blurple]

I am sorry CD but it is your obligation to go in and make things right. You cant expect him to contact you. He lacks trust, you cause him hurt, so he might be scared.

 

Just like before you need to be the initiator, and your old assertive self

[niceguy27]

I didnt mean it like playing games but more of doing that to tread lightly. Since he did propose he was probably devastated when you said no. My ex is doing almost the exact same thing as you did...Started clinicals for nursing and has ZERO time for anything else. She was so stressed/worried that she felt a sudden urge to be single and have freedom (see previous posts). Caused her to distance herself from me and that led to the split. Nothing wrong with us, just a matter of bad timing I believe (I too was planning on proposing to her soon).

 

This was only a little less than 2 months ago and I am just now starting to begin to move on. If she came back around 8 months later by starting to call again, I know her well enough to know that she wants me back. She gets what she wants when she wants it. You know your ex better than us and he knows you better than us. You do what you feel in your heart if you want him back. It sounds like it was bad timing and you guys may have a good shot at another go. Just be honest with him and dont set any expectations if/when you talk to him.

 

Give him a little bit to think the letter over but not too long. You may need to see him face to face to make it more personal and be able to convey what you feel a little better.

[isntitironic]

Hey Blurple how long do you think you need to be the initiator before you can expect contact from them?

[MattyTee]

Hey again CD,

 

I can completely understand your worry about games. I think as Niceguy says here - and we're all talking from experience (as dumpees) - that you have to put yourself in his shoes too. You rejected him and that hurts a lot. He is going to be scared as Blurple says and he won't trust you not to do that again, at least not yet.

 

In my humble opinion the games that are talked about on sites like this are not very productive in a real relationship. But I think there is a confusion between 'games' and coping strategies or plans for keeping things light. He's been hurt and so he'll look for coping strategies. Other people will be telling him things like "Forget her, you can do better" and "Let her chase you man". It's all about ego and pride. If you are willing to treat him with clarity and compassion then your chances are much higher but be prepared for some resistance on his part I would say...

[CD111]

I definitely understand that I hurt him a great great deal. Well he hurt me just as much. I feel like he completely let me down. I needed support and understanding during that time just as much as he did. I had so much more going on in my life then he did. He worked 8 hrs a day and was done after that. I ran circles around him, with how busy I was he couldn't take care of himself. I am taking a risk also and I hope he realizes that.

[Blurple]

I definitely understand that I hurt him a great great deal. Well he hurt me just as much. I feel like he completely let me down. I needed support and understanding during that time just as much as he did. I had so much more going on in my life then he did. He worked 8 hrs a day and was done after that. I ran circles around him, with how busy I was he couldn't take care of himself. I am taking a risk also and I hope he realizes that.

 

It would be selfish to compare your situation with his and say you had it a lot worst, it's always easier to be on the outside looking in.. You first off should have told this to him and you how you felt. I understand stresses and codependency can tare apart a relationship.. However, at this point I would at advise not to say the highlighted things to him.

 

For a few reasons: you left him which likely made is problems hard to cope with. 2) He was in an accident, your were stressed from school and work, these were things you obligated yourself too. I also understand that helping him just added to the problems. It would be blaming him for the break up because of how he depended on you.

[CD111]

Man I just wrote a post and it didn't post. haha Ok, I am sorry I didn't mean for it to sound like I think the whole break up was his fault. It wasn't. All I am trying to say is that I am not the only guilty party. I didn't realize he was dealing with depression and how bad the situation was. Apparently there were issues that stemmed from way before me. I basically saw it as him giving up after the accident. Now I realize the accident was the straw that broke the camel's back. He didn't tell me anything about what he was feeling. He just didn't want to make me think any less of him. I can understand that, but I am no mind reader. If I would have known things would have been way different. I have a strong personality, I push myself to the limit, I work my a$$ off with 100% effort all the way, I go after what I want, I am not afraid to fail and because of that I succeed. Here is the problem, I am getting better though, I expect alot out of the people which are closest to me. I expect them to handle situations like me. I see a bad situation as a chance to prove to yourself and the world that you can get through this, to make yourself stronger, increase your experience and to turn a bad situation into good. It's hard for me to see people not reaching their potential especially when I know they have the aptitude. I don't let myself be weak. I understand now that it must have been really hard for him to know where he was and how he felt about himself. With me around. I don't blame him for not wanting me to know. I push lots of male/female boundaries and in many male roles give the guys a serious run for their money and it's gotten me where i am today. I didn't have any brothers and loved doing things with my dad. LOL This means I can do basic repairs on my car, chop wood, love power tools and guns, go hunting, fix bicycles, can cook, sew, I don't mind getting dirty, I like rocks, an not afraid to be in the middle on nowhere alone for weeks, actually enjoy it and I am the best student in my graduate class. But that can be very intimidating to a guy who isn't feeling so great about himself and is supposed to be my "man" if you know what I mean. I am competitive, not in relationships but in the classroom or sports setting I am like a "sleeper"... lol... cars. I don't show off but if someone calls me out I take them up on it. I can sense weakness like a dog can sense fear and I can read people pretty well. I didn't want competition in our relationship because I initially saw us as equals he was good damn good at some things I at others. But what I apparently suck at is seeing the other side of that. I unknowingly belittled his manhood. He told his therapist he didn't want to ever help me with cooking when I was super busy at school because it made him feel like less of a man. I was like WTF I see him more as a man if he does. Still true, it's all good if guys can cook. Show independence and that a guy can take care of himself. Girls like that. LOL However, I think I get why he didn't open up to me.

i am not some person with an inflated ego though, I personally also think everything I do or achieve I could have done better. I motivate myself yet put myself down at the same time. Haven't figured that out yet

OK boys sorry for butting in like I have I thank you extremely for your comments and even if I seem to get defensive I usually think about it for a while and sort things out. I understand that you are only trying to help. I am not your ordinary girl so bear with me. If you guys have any question you would like to ask me I will do my best to answer them. Thanks again

[Blurple]

Man I just wrote a post and it didn't post. haha Ok, I am sorry I didn't mean for it to sound like I think the whole break up was his fault. It wasn't. All I am trying to say is that I am not the only guilty party. I didn't realize he was dealing with depression and how bad the situation was. Apparently there were issues that stemmed from way before me. I basically saw it as him giving up after the accident. Now I realize the accident was the straw that broke the camel's back. He didn't tell me anything about what he was feeling. He just didn't want to make me think any less of him. I can understand that, but I am no mind reader. If I would have known things would have been way different. I have a strong personality, I push myself to the limit, I work my a$$ off with 100% effort all the way, I go after what I want, I am not afraid to fail and because of that I succeed. Here is the problem, I am getting better though, I expect alot out of the people which are closest to me. I expect them to handle situations like me. I see a bad situation as a chance to prove to yourself and the world that you can get through this, to make yourself stronger, increase your experience and to turn a bad situation into good. It's hard for me to see people not reaching their potential especially when I know they have the aptitude. I don't let myself be weak. I understand now that it must have been really hard for him to know where he was and how he felt about himself. With me around. I don't blame him for not wanting me to know. I push lots of male/female boundaries and in many male roles give the guys a serious run for their money and it's gotten me where i am today. I didn't have any brothers and loved doing things with my dad. LOL This means I can do basic repairs on my car, chop wood, love power tools and guns, go hunting, fix bicycles, can cook, sew, I don't mind getting dirty, I like rocks, an not afraid to be in the middle on nowhere alone for weeks, actually enjoy it and I am the best student in my graduate class. But that can be very intimidating to a guy who isn't feeling so great about himself and is supposed to be my "man" if you know what I mean. I am competitive, not in relationships but in the classroom or sports setting I am like a "sleeper"... lol... cars. I don't show off but if someone calls me out I take them up on it. I can sense weakness like a dog can sense fear and I can read people pretty well. I didn't want competition in our relationship because I initially saw us as equals he was good damn good at some things I at others. But what I apparently suck at is seeing the other side of that. I unknowingly belittled his manhood. He told his therapist he didn't want to ever help me with cooking when I was super busy at school because it made him feel like less of a man. I was like WTF I see him more as a man if he does. Still true, it's all good if guys can cook. Show independence and that a guy can take care of himself. Girls like that. LOL However, I think I get why he didn't open up to me.

i am not some person with an inflated ego though, I personally also think everything I do or achieve I could have done better. I motivate myself yet put myself down at the same time. Haven't figured that out yet

OK boys sorry for butting in like I have I thank you extremely for your comments and even if I seem to get defensive I usually think about it for a while and sort things out. I understand that you are only trying to help. I am not your ordinary girl so bear with me. If you guys have any question you would like to ask me I will do my best to answer them. Thanks again

 

You are more than welcome in this thread..

 

I feel that you are (or were) being a little forceful on his recovery process. Some people take a little bit more time in dealing with life's ups and downs. I really feel like you had a lack of patients and expectations that were a little bit high.

 

Do you think that if were patient and dealt with his problem slower you have have avoided everything.

 

I am the same as you.. This year I have had one of my houses go into foreclosure, claimed bankruptcy, Got my car stolen, someone crashed my new car, moved back into my dads house, forced to take a job that pays less, and having problems getting a long term gf back,

 

No i am not medicated and yes i am stressed to the hill.. this is my outlet for coping. It makes me feel better to help other people

[Travis L]

Maybe I am just going bananas here but over the last 24 hours things have been getting a little bonkers... I took a girl I dated briefly in to my ex's work (the ex had approved it She wanted to meet her...) Anyway, I take her in there and my ex pulls me aside to tell me she thinks that the girl isn't as cute as her.. Ok, whatever...

 

I leave and I run into my ex's ex boyfriend (aka douche bag) and his best friend. They invite me to sit and have some drinks with them. I end up spending the whole night with these guys and their new girlfriends...they sit there telling me how much of a fool they think my ex is for not going back with me (you know, douche bag...well yeah, he's not that bad of a guy after all). I guess the ex had told them that she just wants to be friends with me. I called my ex and told her that I was hanging out with them and she didn't care...just wanted to know if they were talking about her...

 

Well today comes around and I call my ex to go bowling with me and the girl I dated briefly (same girl from the night before) and she doesn't want to go cuz she's hanging out with a friend...ok....so I call her afterwards and she says she's still hanging out with a friend (an old dude who likes her old friend). I sorta get pissy with her cuz I wanted to hang out a little bit... I send her a text saying, "that's messed up"... She calls an hour later (after I made plans with one of my newer girls) and she heard the newer girl in the background and starts flipping out on me... She later sends a text to me saying that it is ****ed up... I didn't respond. Ok, my ex has made it clear that she only wants to be friends....now she is flipping out on me over me taking a girl out...

 

Anyway, I hope everyone else is well... I just needed to vent. I'm not always a fan of the jealousy card but it's unintentionally working in my favor.

[heartoutside]

Man, you're playing games with her just as much as she's playing games with you. It's a stupid cycle and I would watch out because nothing good will come of it. You're not playing the jealous card, you're rubbing it in her face. It was one thing to bring your friend into work with you, but to make calls and invite her out with that same girl and tell her that you hung out with her ex bf....all bad things. If she want's to know she'll ask, just like if you want to know what she's been doing you'll ask (but don't ask!)

 

The only way this is working in your favor is by pissing your ex off even more and pushing her away even more....

[Travis L]

Man, you're playing games with her just as much as she's playing games with you. It's a stupid cycle and I would watch out because nothing good will come of it. You're not playing the jealous card, you're rubbing it in her face. It was one thing to bring your friend into work with you, but to make calls and invite her out with that same girl and tell her that you hung out with her ex bf....all bad things. If she want's to know she'll ask, just like if you want to know what she's been doing you'll ask (but don't ask!)

 

The only way this is working in your favor is by pissing your ex off even more and pushing her away even more....

 

No, her and my friend wanted to meet each other (my ex asked me to bring her in). I only thought it right to let my ex know that i was hanging with her ex. She had no problem with all of those things. What made her flip out was that I had one of my newer girls in the car. I didn't rub it in her face...she asked who i was going with after she heard someone in the background (she called me). I let her know when she asked. How is that rubbing it in her face?

 

You're 110% wrong on it pushing her away because guess who called me to come over this afternoon? My ex... I didn't rub ANYTHING in her face. She asked...I told her. She shouldn't care as she only loves me as "a friend". Her seeing and hearing of me with other girls is one of my last shots of turning this around. Slowly working towards NC (other than yesterday when I asked her to do something) and backing away from making any sort of contact is the other way. If there is any sort of lingering romantic love deep inside her I have to do some things to work it out of her...

 

She has to see that she still cares before it will work. Call it a game, whatever, I'm doing what I need to do...while being very honest about my feelings towards her. What, am i supposed to lie to her when she asks who I am with? You must think that sitting at home with your thumbs up your ass is attractive to a female...it's not. They need to see you as Grade A bachelor, wanted by lots, or you lose a lot of value.

[Spinderella]

I thought you were doing NC Travis?

Agree, its just more games. Jealousy isnt the same as love. So, she wants you to herself, whats new? You can interpret this however you want to, and looks like you are, but youre still keeping yourself from moving on.

[Travis L]

I thought you were doing NC Travis?

Agree, its just more games. Jealousy isnt the same as love. So, she wants you to herself, whats new? You can interpret this however you want to, and looks like you are, but youre still keeping yourself from moving on.

 

Lol.. How come everything I do is interpreted as a game? I'm just saying what happened. You think I planned for her to call me while I was with the new girl? Umm..no. She ASKED who I was with...am I supposed to lie to her? Nothing that happened was planned other than her meeting one of my friends (who she wanted to meet).

 

Anyway, you nay sayers are all wrong as when she came over this afternoon we were intimate... Does it mean that we are getting back together? No...but she is not pissed off and she is not feeling pushed away. We haven't been intimate since we broke up (other than a few kisses) so things are at least headed in a somewhat good direction. I am still slowly backing off (as I have been over the last week).

[Spinderella]

Well I hope it works out for you. I'm not suprised that you were intimate. I just think, that these games or whatever you choose to call them, will get you a short term result, of course they will. But the long term solution, the reasons why the relationship didnt work, whether it can work, whether feelings are feel and deep and not to do with fear of losing somebody, are often overlooked.

I call them games, because, you were doing nc, and you didnt HAVE to answer your phone when you were with a date, neither did you have to go into her workplace.

[carrotgirl]

Travis, you took a call from your ex while you were on a date with another girl?

 

That's just rude.

[myhotrod123456789]

Travis, you should do what you want to do and nobody is going to force you to do otherwise. But, you should at least acknowledge that you are trying to do things to manipulate her and I would classify that under what people call "playing games". Whether it works out, nobody here will be able to tell you as every relationship is different and people are different in the way they respond to someone's actions. However, my opinion of this situation will be similar to Spinderella's which is that whatever progress is made in the short term will do nothing to overcome whatever made her pursue that other guy. I have enjoyed following this thread and your overtures about starting no contact and pulling back seem very enthusiastic. I'm not sure why you never really follow through on that and why you continue to brag about limiting contact. Anyways, just my opinion. I'm glad you are happy and I hope it continues for you.

[CD111]

Travis, it seems to me that you and your ex almost enjoy out doing one another's manipulation tactics. Well what ever floats your boat. Don't be too surprised that she commented on your new girl. I would size up an ex's girlfriend, even if I had no interest in him what so ever. I think it's just natural. I am sure you do the same thing with the new guys she brings around.