I need her back...

[DH27]

yeah...i know i dont NEED her...but it still hurts so bad. my life at this point still feels like something is missing, because in truth there is. the bowling thing was alright, but i dont feel like anything other than friendship will come of it. i just need to find someone i can truly connect with, because thats what i had with her.

 

Travis, what were you saying about not wanting to fall into the friend position? because that is where i find myself fallling into with her, and i dont want to either. if there is a posibility of us getting back together sometime in the future (it wont be anytime soon, but id like to keep that open) how would i make it happen? you seem to understand my situation best.

[Travis L]

the bowling thing was alright, but i dont feel like anything other than friendship will come of it. i just need to find someone i can truly connect with, because thats what i had with her.

 

I hear ya...when I first started going out on dates, I was always comparing them to my ex...seems like I could always find something that the ex did or said better. I think a part of this is closing your heart off to others because you want what you can't have right now. Focus on making these friends. You never know as they might develop into something more. If not, you will have more people in your life (always a plus). It will take time for you to really give your heart to someone else. Right now you probably can't see that happening but if you and the ex don't work out, the time will come when it just feels right with someone else... Be patient!

 

Travis, what were you saying about not wanting to fall into the friend position? because that is where i find myself fallling into with her, and i dont want to either. if there is a posibility of us getting back together sometime in the future (it wont be anytime soon, but id like to keep that open) how would i make it happen? you seem to understand my situation best.

 

Well, in my situation I felt like falling into the friend zone right now was not the best thing for me (she was my "friend" when it was convenient for her as I would help her with schoolwork and money). It appears that you are in the friend zone and it would probably be seen as a d*ck move for you to back out now. I would suggest embracing this situation right now. Don't appear to be available at her every beck and call...but be there for her when she really needs you. Always appear happy and show her a great time when you do spend time together. Act like you are happy with whatever it is that she wants (friend/boyfriend) but appear to be moving on with your life (going on dates and stuff). Don't rub it in her face but there are ways for her to find out without you stating it. The more that other girls see you as boyfriend material, the more she will think about it.

 

How do you get from friends to bf/gf? Good question as I am in the same boat. It would be like the blind leading the blind, my friend. I think we have a little head way as they have once seen us as boyfriend material so it wouldn't be that big of a leap for them to see us as boyfriend material again. It may be corny but i read in a book that if there was ever a love-bond between two people, that a love-bond can be reignited through loving him or her 100%.

 

I'm walking fairly blindly right now. I was in the friend zone for all of one week before I pulled back (told her I want more than a friendship and needed time away from her if she didn't feel the same-to heal). She took it pretty hard but I can't say it has helped my position. I just need to show her that she will not have the benefits of being with me while she is seeing someone else. I wouldn't take this path if I were you as she actually NEEDS me to help her with certain things...different situation than you. I'll think of something else, I'm sure, so I'll post more later...

It's rough, I know...Just be patient with the situation and don't base decisions on emotions....

[DH27]

so you are saying it would be in my best interest to just be her friend right now? when would it be good to let her know i still have feelings for her and have cared for her all along? cause right now im pretty sure she thinks i dont think of her like this any more and am moving on. i know this is the whole point, but when does it need to turn and go the other direction? we dont talk very often but we do go lift and run at the rec center every wednesday here at purdue, and thats pretty much the only time i see her, because im just not a priority to her anymore. we dont just hang out anymore, ive only been to her dorm twice in the month that we've been here, and shes been to mine once, but just to see it when we moved in.

 

this is too complicated... ive never felt this way about anyone before. but who ever said life was easy right?

[DH27]

i am working out with her tomaro at the rec center here at purdue as said above.... any tips to how i should act? obviously be myself, thats one thing i can always do around her, but anything else?

[Travis L]

so you are saying it would be in my best interest to just be her friend right now? when would it be good to let her know i still have feelings for her and have cared for her all along? cause right now im pretty sure she thinks i dont think of her like this any more and am moving on.

 

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't bring up my feelings at all. I would act like everything is great and you are ok doing whatever she wants (as far as just being friends or being more...) I really think that you risk her stopping all contact with you if you tell her your feelings. I would wait and let her come to you about it all.. It will be really hard and the time may never come when she wants more, but thats the risk you are going to have to take...you left her originally!

 

The other option is telling her your feelings and getting it off your chest...not being forceful and not criticizing her if she doesn't feel the same. Again, risky... But, only you know how she will respond to this...

 

I would play it cool, be friendly when you see her tomorrow.. Act happy and confidant! Be playful...maybe a little light teasing or complimenting...

 

If she would have left you, I would say go No contact but since you left her, she needs to see you as someone who won't ditch her again, made changes, and appreciates her...

[DH27]

Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Well we had a talk today, and she had always been nervous about drinking in college because she never has been drunk before. Way back when before we started dating we had agreed that i would be there when she first drank to make sure she stayed safe. Well after this ordeal that plan was pretty much dissolved. But we were talking today and I asked her if she had partied at all yet, and she said "a little". So I asked if she still wanted me to be there when she actually got drunk, and she said "i don't know. I can't see myself getting waisted... But if I did you should totally be there." and I told her "Yeah, you know I'd never let anything bad happen to you" her response to that "That makes me feel really safe." Which is true, I would never let anything bad happen to her, including me taking advantage of her...never.

 

So at least I have this going for me. She sees me as a source of security I guess. We also met each other randomly today, I was just walking with a group of 3 other girls from my Bio class and we were going to get lunch, and I saw her walking up ahead, so she joined us for dinner. It was good cause we talked like we always had, never any awkward pauses and it was just good.

 

To be honest I don't even know what direction I'm trying to go in... I'm just so split, you know? I want to move on because I know thats what is best, but in actuality I so do not want to. Catch my drift? This is a bad situation to get ones self into...

 

So what are the updates with your situation Travis?

[Travis L]

Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Well we had a talk today, and she had always been nervous about drinking in college because she never has been drunk before. Way back when before we started dating we had agreed that i would be there when she first drank to make sure she stayed safe. Well after this ordeal that plan was pretty much dissolved. But we were talking today and I asked her if she had partied at all yet, and she said "a little". So I asked if she still wanted me to be there when she actually got drunk, and she said "i don't know. I can't see myself getting waisted... But if I did you should totally be there." and I told her "Yeah, you know I'd never let anything bad happen to you" her response to that "That makes me feel really safe." Which is true, I would never let anything bad happen to her, including me taking advantage of her...never.

 

That's great!

 

So at least I have this going for me. She sees me as a source of security I guess. We also met each other randomly today, I was just walking with a group of 3 other girls from my Bio class and we were going to get lunch, and I saw her walking up ahead, so she joined us for dinner. It was good cause we talked like we always had, never any awkward pauses and it was just good.

 

That's so perfect!!!! That accident helps you out a lot, in my opinion. Her seeing you as a fun guy that other girls want to hang out with makes you look that much better... Plus the fact that you had great conversation??? Perfect!!!

 

To be honest I don't even know what direction I'm trying to go in... I'm just so split, you know? I want to move on because I know thats what is best, but in actuality I so do not want to. Catch my drift? This is a bad situation to get ones self into...

 

Haha.. Yeah, I totally know what you are talking about here.. Your direction is whatever your heart tells you. Just continue getting out there and meeting new people! When the time comes for you to move on, you will know. Just don't get yourself stuck on this too hardcore or you will never move on. Have fun (beating a dead horse), be a source of fun, and just enjoy your life! There may come a time when YOU actually don't want HER back... It's hard to believe but that time will come...

 

So what are the updates with your situation Travis?

My situation hit the $hit can Well, I sent her a text message last night asking her if she wanted to come over. To this she replied that she was staying with the new guy (rubbed in my face instead of saying she was just busy or had other plans). I get pissed off (bad move) and tell her that i wanted to tell her in person but that i think its time for her to get her stuff out of my house. She blows up at me and we go at it back and forth for about 15 hours (other than sleep, we were going at it non stop over the phone and through texts). It's so much easier for me to give advice than take it.

 

Anyway, the massacre ends and then I send her a text tonight just sorta letting her know that I am sorry that I got angry...that it was just a lot of emotions coming out but that I think we need time apart. She calls me up, we smooth everything over, and she tells me she is coming over later this week to spend the night... Turns out she rubbed it in my face because she thought I was rubbing her face in it the night before when I told her I was going to the movies with my new girl (they hate each other). 3 months of me keeping my cool and being the nice guy...blew it in one night. However, the conversation tonight put me in a better place than where I was before the argument. Alcohol+pent up aggression+an ignition source = a whole lot of $hit.

 

Haha..anyway, my Psychology degree helps analyze other situations but I am too close to my own situation to always do the right thing. I learned my lesson and back to my plan: happy, confidant, source of fun, no friend zone(when it comes to her issues with the opposite sex), etc... I can't have another slip up like this one or I will REALLY look inconsistent. I am 100 times closer to my goal now than I ever was since the break up... I am where I am now because when she first left, I gave her tons of space and let her come to me...I only contacted her when it concerned her school stuff (I register her for her classes and all). I have had to find a happy medium when it comes to helping her but not being over helpful...she has to ASK for help and I am not always available to do it (she shouldn't get all the benefits of being with me while not actually being with me). Again, my situation is different than yours as you left her and I only got a really nice view of her backside as she walked out the door... Enough about me..

[DH27]

After your break up, did your girl still know you cared for her? Because I don't think mine does know that I still feel this way about her. Is this good or bad? Because I'm thinking, why should she feel this way about me if I don't even feel that way about her? Am I right or way off...

 

Well the plans for the day got canceled. She said she had homework to finish that was due today so she didn't have time to. I said "its alright, you do what you gotta do. I'm still gonna go work out so if you can still do a quick run I'll be there." and she said "Thanks for understanding." I'm sure she won't show, but thats how things go. I probably wont see her for at least another week either. At this point I'm not a priority, I've learned that, but thats how these things go right?

 

How long has it been since your break up Travis? I feel like each week that passes I have less and less of a chance, because it just gets more distant for her, and "us" gets further and further into the past, and she just buries it deeper and deeper.

[Travis L]

After your break up, did your girl still know you cared for her? Because I don't think mine does know that I still feel this way about her. Is this good or bad? Because I'm thinking, why should she feel this way about me if I don't even feel that way about her? Am I right or way off..

 

Yes, my girl still knew/knows I loved her/cared for her...I was an idiot and sorta begged her back (not too hardcore...) right when she broke up with me. I can't be sure but the way you talk to her (i.e. the being there when she is drunk), I would think that she knows you still care. If I were you, I wouldn't let on that you are CRAZY about her though... As long as she knows you still care, I really think thats enough. You want to make it seem like you are moving on (and you really are, in your own way). You expressed your feelings and she expressed hers earlier on...you want more and she wants less..

 

Well, typically people want what they can't have. You wouldn't be feeling AS strongly and depressed if you could easily have her. People want what they value and they value things/people that they see as better than what they have or don't have now. Right now, she would rather be single or look for someone else than have you exclusively...just the truth (same in my situation).

 

Well the plans for the day got canceled. She said she had homework to finish that was due today so she didn't have time to. I said "its alright, you do what you gotta do. I'm still gonna go work out so if you can still do a quick run I'll be there." and she said "Thanks for understanding." I'm sure she won't show, but thats how things go. I probably wont see her for at least another week either. At this point I'm not a priority, I've learned that, but thats how these things go right?

 

Yep, that's one of the hardest parts: no longer being their top priority.

 

How long has it been since your break up Travis? I feel like each week that passes I have less and less of a chance, because it just gets more distant for her, and "us" gets further and further into the past, and she just buries it deeper and deeper.

 

It's been 3 months since the break up. I felt the way you are feeling about a month or so ago... But then out of the blue she stayed over 3 nights in a row and we are pretty "close." I don't know what I am going to do yet... I'm in the wait and see mode...I'm on the fence. I know sometimes it feels like time is your enemy when it comes to reconciliation but I really think time and patience improves your chances... You wouldn't want to rush her to deciding...

[DH27]

Its not a matter of rushing her into deciding. She's already made her decision when she said it was over. Now that I think about it, I don't really know what I'm doing. Because her exact words (over texting) was "I don't see us ever doing the relationship thing again". She said it was over. So I would say we are in similar situations...sortof...because, at first, I ended it, then realized my mistake, then we were kindof on the bubble, then she said it was over. Remember all this from before? It was a pretty long time ago... do you think I would even have a shot still? Its just hard to let go you know? I'm trying to let go as best I can, but then I'm just reminded of her, and it all comes back.

[DH27]

Well its been over a month and half since she's said that its over. We didn't have much contact since then, at all. I don't think I've seen her in a good 3 weeks or so. Last weekend her room mate saw me at a frat party I was at, and the next day she sent me a text message saying that she heard her room mate saw me at the party, and said the next one I go to I should invite her to also. So its the next weekend and she sends me a text asking what I'm doing tonight, and that she wants to hang out. There is a party at my frat, and she wants to come so I invited her.

 

This is so confusing... She hasn't seen me in 3 weeks, and out of the blue wants to see me and hang out. Is this possibly a chance? Or am I just getting ahead of myself as I usually do, wishful thinking.

[CaliGuy]

Well its been over a month and half since she's said that its over. We didn't have much contact since then, at all. I don't think I've seen her in a good 3 weeks or so. Last weekend her room mate saw me at a frat party I was at, and the next day she sent me a text message saying that she heard her room mate saw me at the party, and said the next one I go to I should invite her to also. So its the next weekend and she sends me a text asking what I'm doing tonight, and that she wants to hang out. There is a party at my frat, and she wants to come so I invited her.

 

This is so confusing... She hasn't seen me in 3 weeks, and out of the blue wants to see me and hang out. Is this possibly a chance? Or am I just getting ahead of myself as I usually do, wishful thinking.

 

Ever hear of playing hard to get? Try it sometime.

[DH27]

what do you mean? explain please

[Blurple]

Wow guys im in the same situation. DH27 just hang tight and do what you are doing.. she is actually analyzing you. if you keep it up and start with-drawing your self away from her it it will make her want to come back. but dont be an a-hole about it. Girls her age only want what they cant have.

 

what you have done from taking travis l advise is "started the chase" this is good and is what i am working on myself right now. and sounds like him too.. so since you are two steps ahead of us string it along a little bit... tell her .. well i dont know if its a good idea.. play like you kinda dont want her to come... then a day or two later tell her ummm okay... go ahead you come.. then when ur at the party make sure you are wearing new clothes new shoes and looking sharp as hell. be confident and smile alot not just at her. then u are golden. trust me went thru that before with my ex at about the same age.

 

Travis im from michigan too. what area are you in.. let me know we could help each other with our situations

[DH27]

well that all sounds good, but like i said i dont think she exactly wants to be back in a relationship with me, so what good would acting like i dont want her to come do. shes the type of person that would just say "whatever if you dont want to see me ill go be with people that do". i dont think i can blow her off, even halfway like you said. she didnt end up coming to the party up at my frat this weekend because her sisters from her sorority didnt want to and she didnt want to go alone. but we probably will hang out this weekend.

[Blurple]

well that all sounds good, but like i said i dont think she exactly wants to be back in a relationship with me, so what good would acting like i dont want her to come do. shes the type of person that would just say "whatever if you dont want to see me ill go be with people that do". i dont think i can blow her off, even halfway like you said. she didnt end up coming to the party up at my frat this weekend because her sisters from her sorority didnt want to and she didnt want to go alone. but we probably will hang out this weekend.

 

Okay then let her do that.. when a girl sees you acting strong she will want to be with you.. girls respond to alpha male. so if you call the shots then you put her inline. you are letting her call the shots.. IE when she wants to see you and when she doesnt.. if she didnt care about getting back together with you then she wouldnt even think about you or talk to you.... she is trying to keep you at a close enough distance so she can always have you around for safety and comfort purposes ONLY(yes it is selfish) ...... look.. when she calls dont pick right away let her text you and call you again trust me she will call back.. they always do..(THEY ALWAYS COME BACK WHEN YOU PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT) you have to play ur cards closer to you. (which means keep her guessing) girls cant stand that.. when you make them guess they go crazy.. RULE one for you.. when she calls dont pick up.. let her leave a Voice mail or text you.. wait for her to call in a few days after.. Then dont pick up and call an hour later and then cut the convo off like you said ( She is not your GF anymore so stop making her that priority.... YOU are number one priority not her ) she is thinking about you .. however she is distracted but whats new in her life IE new college life..

 

MAKE HER CHASE YOU... do whatever you can.. once she starts to chase you ... you got her right where you want her.. girls dont know what the f--- they want sometimes.. thats what her problem is. Make her want it again. do whatever you have to do to make her want it again. once again to make her want it is to not let her have it...

 

Its like string theory.. have you ever seen a cat jump at a line of string when you dangle it at them? what happens when you drop it? they walk away and are not interested.. make her fight for the damn string.. it sounds crazy to you know but that is what the deal is. SO step up, be what she wants you to be. and dont let her get it when she wants it... you are on your own time not hers.. remember that.. be strong my friend i am gonig thru the same thing.... this is the second or third time i have with my current ex

[DH27]

well like i said i dont know if that'd work because if she gets the vibe that i dont care then she would stop caring also. there is a very thin line i think that i need to find between being distant and being close...cause if im too close it'll push her away, but if im too distant then she will stop.

[Spinderella]

I really think if its so hard to get someone to be with you, then its probably just not the right relationship for you. Sometimes once the feelings have gone, they have just gone. She will probably keep seeing you because she enjoys your company, and youre willing to give it, but its time to move on and stop contact with her. Youre just prolonging the pain IMO.

[DH27]

you make a good point, and ive thought of this myself too. that im just prolonging the pain. but the only way i can stop feeling this way is to just end all contact with her. but i dont want to. i feel like being with her is worth it. my way of like has always been "risk furiousness for bliss". its from a song and i feel like its true. if someone means enough to me, then im going to fight for it, knowing that if i fail then ill feel horrible, but this is worth it to me, so i dont want to give up just yet. i know its a long shot, but im willing to put in the time. i just need to know how to go about doing this so that i dont put her off. how do i let her know i feel this way about her without it scaring her off? or is it even possible to do that at this point?

 

any more tips? anything will help at this point. thank you all

[Spinderella]

well the best way to make yourself attractive to someone is to not be too available to them, but you dont seem to want to hear that.

[DH27]

i understand. but where is that line where im being not too available, but im still there for her. know what i mean?

[Blurple]

i understand. but where is that line where im being not too available, but im still there for her. know what i mean?

 

You will know.. its kinda like an annoying cousin.. you dont always pick up for them. call them back when ur not busy or bored. trust me when she starts trying harder to get ahold of you that is when you let her start coming towards you not you running back to her. you have to make her work at getting a hold of you..

 

I know its hard... for me it seems like i keep checking my phone every 15 minutes to see if she has called me or even texted me or IMed me or emailed me. uhhhgg i hate this

[heartoutside]

I'm in the same boat...I think a lot of us are. My ex wanted to meet up for dinner last monday to talk, and then cancelled the next day, asking if "We" could take a rain check and asking if I was sure about it. She texted a few times the next few days about things, like the gas bill and made a joke in that conversation. I ddin't reply to the joke and now i haven't heard a word from her since thursday. Nothing, not a word about re-scheduling our dinner, or anything. I'm fighting not sending her a text asking her how our friends baby shower went yesterday....and asking her about her dinner. My heart says to do it, to ask about the shower, then the dinner......but then a part of me is listening to the peeps on here. I did that last time and didn't really reply to her texts or her, and then I poured it out to her on the phone about a week and a half ago and now she wants (or wanted) to meet for dinner to talk....so sometimes it is good to listen to your heart, and maybe, just maybe it's good to let them (our ex's) simmer, it's a tough call, and I'm not sure what I've said here is of any help. I'm still lost and have no idea what to do...

[Blurple]

I'm in the same boat...I think a lot of us are. My ex wanted to meet up for dinner last monday to talk, and then cancelled the next day, asking if "We" could take a rain check and asking if I was sure about it. She texted a few times the next few days about things, like the gas bill and made a joke in that conversation. I ddin't reply to the joke and now i haven't heard a word from her since thursday. Nothing, not a word about re-scheduling our dinner, or anything. I'm fighting not sending her a text asking her how our friends baby shower went yesterday....and asking her about her dinner. My heart says to do it, to ask about the shower, then the dinner......but then a part of me is listening to the peeps on here. I did that last time and didn't really reply to her texts or her, and then I poured it out to her on the phone about a week and a half ago and now she wants (or wanted) to meet for dinner to talk....so sometimes it is good to listen to your heart, and maybe, just maybe it's good to let them (our ex's) simmer, it's a tough call, and I'm not sure what I've said here is of any help. I'm still lost and have no idea what to do...

 

 

I hear you... sounds like what you are doing is good.. its always easier to be on the outside looking in. I guess thats what we are here for..

Today my ex imed.. i told her i cant be friends a few days ago... she imed me today and i ignored her..

 

she basically said hi ... then arnt you glad im back on AIM? then said k..... nice then signed off.. i think ill text her and say im sorry i missed ur aim i was away from the room.... stay their but not to accessible.. damn it would be so much better if ireally didnt give a f--- like before when she always acted like this... prolly better stay off aim for while and make her at least call me or text me... i am so impatient i cant take it... i am starting to really feel like its not worth it anymore.. and i know just as soon as i dont take is when she trys to come back.. thats how it always works

[Spinderella]

Blurple, why should you apologise. Ok its not nice being rude, but she disrespected your wishes to not be friends so that you can mend your broken heart. Do NOT apologise, or speak to her at all. Not to be mean, but to stop an unhealthy situation from further developing.

Of course its nice for a dumper when the ex, that maybe they felt unnapreciated by during the relationship (or whatever reason they finished it), starts to adore and worship them, and you cannot blame the dumper there for enjoying this. But its an unhealthy situation then, where the dumper feels they can control the dumpee only by being unavailable for a relationship. The dumpee bends over backwards trying to please, and eventually the dumper loses respect. It happens EVERY single time.

If you have let the dumper know that you wish to talk seriously about the relationship and getting back together, and also I believe there is nothing wrong with, and actually something right with pouring your feelings once or twice, but then STOP, thats it. And make sure they ARE your feelings, and not just feelings of rejection.

Probably its better to go off, heal, reflect, ask to talk, state feelings, discuss problems, decide if they are resolvable, and go from there. It seldom happens like that though.