I need her back...

[Hero2Zero]

The things that are worth it usually make you go through the most to get it. I agree with Niceguy.

DH, you have to remember that people work on different clocks. While 3 weeks seem like forever to you, it might be short to her. You have to be strong and patient on this one, otherwise, you will only make it worse.

[Blurple]

It has been about three days of NC with my ex.... a few days ago I was trying to return her phone calls... she IMed me and called me. So when i called her a "friend" was over possibly a new boyfriend... she said she wasnt dating him ... but might be... and she would call me and let me know.. I kept my cool and just said.. Don't talk to me and hung up the phone.. she called me back a few hours later.. and told me she wasnt dating him. however i still told her look I cant take this dont talk to me anymore.. she called me the next day. I didnt pick up. then she texted me. "i am playing the SIMs (her favorite video game that i got her a few years back) and said we are married and have babys in the game..) then said could you call me back.. i called her this morning and she said she was scared about what is going to happen to us.. she said she wanted to talk about it.. so I told her to call me later in the day when I wasnt busy. I am still waiting on the call and I will update everyone on to what she has to say.

 

I am really not ready for this. I dont know whats going to happen or what i should say to her.. she also told me on the phone that she was home sick and wanted to come home (where i live ) for the weekend.. and that she also called me cuz she was lonely

 

Oh and she said she was at a doctors apt at 7:30..... I dont know of any doctors open that late.. unless it was a clinic.. I just getting weirded out

[myhotrod123456789]

this sounds good, but what about this other guy back home? they message each other and he is probably building up anticipation for thanksgiving break when he can see her. i dont know, im such a wreck about this whole thing.

 

how do i get our conversations to be exciting like they used to be? instead of just talking about whats going on and whatnot. you know what i mean right? or how do i get it back to us talking for a long time. we used to text constantly throughout the day, starting when one of us woke up, and not ending till we went to sleep. now i text her, and it lasts probably through about 6ish messages and ends.

 

is a period of NC necessary for this? i dont know it sounds like NC is everyone's solve all solution. this plan sounds good, but one month is so hard to get through...and how should i initiate it? just stop talking to her one day?

 

The reason that the conversations lag is because she is not into you right now. She used to be when things were new and fresh. It doesn't mean she dislikes you. I'm sure she cares for you, but she doesn't have the same feelings you have for her. I would go NC for several months as a way to help yourself and not as a means to get her back.

[DH27]

thanks a lot for you help guys. those last couple posts really helped me. i just need to be strong about this. im gonna do my best with this NC, the goal is set for 4 weeks from today. we'll see how it goes.

 

everyone that has posted on this thread. keep updating your situations. feel free to post day to day stuff too. reading other peoples situations helps me to get through mine, lets me know there are others out there dealing with the same type of situation as me.

 

Blurple, man it sounds like you are in a good spot to take the position of power, how you deal with it is crucial though. im no expert (why im asking you fine gentlemen for help), but make sure you stay in the drivers seat. she has contacted you now, she has shown she wants to be around you. good luck with it, and i know how you feel being scared about it, i know just how you feel.

 

what about you Niceguy? what is your story?

 

and Heartoutside, any updates?

[Blurple]

DH27, Good job keep the NC up. Well here is how my phone call went..

 

Her: I am worried about us...

Me: Why, you said it was over right?

Her: what you dont care anymore, why did you come back?

Me: Nothing has changed with me everthing i said is still the same... But I cant talk to you if you going to date other people.. and dont want to get hurt..

 

Her: I really miss you..

Me: Thats Nice.

Her: I am lonely... will you come to see me?

Me: I dont know if thats a good idea.. I cant be friends with you

Her: well I guess we are dating again now...

Me: okay we will see how this goes...

Her: Will you come and see me?

Me: I dont know ill call you tomorrow and let you know. im busy

Her okay

Me I gotta go ttly

 

****I learned today that she wants to have things happen spontaneously... since i have been playing so smooth its easier for her to come and talk to me and me to talk to her..***

 

Wow im glad that i could play it so cool. in all reality I would have started that 1 hour drive as soon as she asked. I have been trying to get back with her since july 19th. I tried NC a few times but she ends up calling me.. and i gave in. Now i am playing it cool and i am seeing results. I spent all of aug being with her kinda as friends just to show her that i am not gonna leave her or do something stupid and also trying to build up feelings again. She is still kinda mad at me. looks like she is coming around. once i stopped giving into her and leaving her alone she draws back to me instead of away. Need i remind you in july i was freaking out calling her all the time. I since calmed down.... Also this is coming from the same girl that said "ITS OVER" and you are lucky i am even talking to you. ( she said this about three weeks ago)

 

I will keep you guys updated on how tomorrow goes when i goto see her..

 

DH27... you dont need to do what i did in aug and be friends with her.. its hard to jump out of that zone.. the situation i was in i had to reconcile as friends otherwise she would never talk to me.. That was just the angle i took. once I developed the attachment again I broke off.. sounds like ur ex still has attachment.. so its perfect to NC right now... Keep us dated everyday,, and dont be afraid to ask what ur next move should be if you dont know. I am telling you i went thru the samething at ur age with the same girl... You are her comfort zone.. When you take someone out of their comfort zone they flipp out and will do anything to get it back. When i was ur age I NC'ed my ex on accident just cuz i was so pissed and started hanging out with some new people i forgot about it fast ... then started not caring about her. it drove her crazy and she started driving by my house my friends houses and showing up at like 2:00 am cuz she knew i would be home. (however, that time i really never did ne thing wrong to make her brake up with me) this time it was cuz i did 2 stupid things in a row... so i am working off that. BUT DH27 i think ur situation is better than mine... maybe cuz i already have been down that path... Look bro' give it time.. it will all work out.... Just make sure ur are always in control.. Act like you dont care if you have too its okay cuz u are no her bf anymore.

 

Listen to Jack Johnson - Sitting waiting wishing

jayz - 99 problems

case - missing you

John Legend - I used to love you

Scorpions - No one like you

Nelly - na nanan na

 

Young Dro - We Lied... (this song is your bible) listen to it over and over and very carfully

 

 

In this order.. put it on cd and leave it in the car... its music therapy for you GOOD LUCK!

[niceguy27]

Not much has changed with my situation. Its been a little over a month now and this week I have not called or txt her at all. I spoke with her mother and she is telling me not to push her to get the rest of her stuff out of my house. She still has clothes over there and she came over in the beginning of the week and only grabbed 2 things. Called me honey on accident (I didnt even respond to that) and is still wearing my ring I got her. I didnt bring us up at all. Kept it small and light.

 

Since then I havent heard anything from her. Her mom told me that this guy she works with has told her that he really likes her and that he doesnt want her talking to any other guys. She has already told him no to the whole relationship thing. I kind of laughed inside when I heard this. We pretty much broke up because things were progressing towards marriage and she had said she needed to be sure I was the one, thus the time out on her own. And then hearing this just reinforced my opinion that she may learn real quick that the grass isnt greener and that the only thing I can do is let her see that on her own.

 

So thats where things pretty much stand. I am on this plan to not be around her the next month and give me some me time. When its up, I will have my self confidence, pride, and dignity back so when I do approach her again, she will see me as the original me. Not the sad, heartbroken one trying to get her back. She will wonder what Ive been up to and then we can start from a fresh slate.

 

One thing I have learned from all this is that everytime you "push" her by mentioning the relationship or past or anything about her dating anyone, she "pulls" away a little bit more. It may take a while but I think that once you love someone and things didnt end because of anything negative, chances are better at reconciling. But only after BOTH people have had time to regain themselves after some time to clear their heads.

[DH27]

awesome Blurple, sounds like you really have an advantage now. sounds like she is really missing you. like i said before, stay in control. good work my friend.

 

Niceguy, sounds to me like she still cares for you, calling you "honey" on "accident" and still wearing your ring. obviously if she didnt care about you any more that ring would be the furthest thing from her.

 

your guy's stories really give me hope. it sounds like both of you are making progress. I now know the reason for NC. I'm gonna take this time to get me back to myself. I used to be a confident guy that never got stressed about anything, and I the guy that this situation has made me. as of late I'm stressed about everything, especially her. its time to get me back being me.

 

as for my situation. just keeping up NC for now. day 1 is done, on to day 2.

 

Thanks for your help guys, keep us posted and Good Luck!

[niceguy27]

Now that we are all sharing this thread, I wanted to ask you guys who have been following my story (especially this most recent dilemna with her clothes and stuff) what I should do about that.

 

I think to myself, if she is "involved" with someone else, why would she care what happened to it if I just boxed it and took it to her dads or something?

 

I know about the aforementioned guy but I really dont think its serious or anything. But I keep thinking that if she has time to go out with him and others, why in the world wont she take time to come get it out? Is she scared that its too final? What the hell is she thinking?

 

Plus the thing her mother said about her keeping it there because it maintains some type of connection for her. I care to a certain extent about that statement, but I also dont really care what she does with it. Its in a room I dont use, so if she wants it, she can come get it.

[DH27]

yeah as i was reading it i was thinking that she was leaving her clothes there, just so there was something there to give her a reason to come back if she wanted to. she can come and get them whenever she wants, cause they are hers. so im not sure if that is something you'd want to leave alone or not. because it gives her the opportunity to make contact instead of you having to, but then again, it puts you in the position of being able to be seen at her whim. and also, the thought of every scrap of hers out of your place may seem too final for her. im not sure which direction is better to go in, leave it there or get it out, but thats what im thinking about it.

[niceguy27]

Yeah I see that exactly. Her pulling the strings. Ive thought about that a lot. But I really dont think thats how she looks at it. Unless its some type of sub-conscious thing about doing things on her time. This could be taken either way.

 

We both agreed that when things settle down we will re visit our relationship a little bit down the road. So maybe I'm just over analyzing it a little bit and should just continue what I've been doing.

[Hero2Zero]

Hey Niceguy, I think that you should let her keep her things there, but box them up, so that they are ready to go. Once it's boxed up, put them away, out of sight, it'll be good for you too. Just let it sit there till she decides she wants to come get it, but don't reminder her of it. From my understanding, there is hope for the both of you, and telling her to come get her things will only push her further away and she might think you're trying to play mind games. Just keep up NC, let her be and see where it leads you. Play it cool like you've been doing. Keep it up.

[niceguy27]

Thanks a lot. I had a rough night last night. After I wrote that post I started to think about her stuff. The more I thought about it, the madder I got. If she has time to spend seeing other people, why the hell should she disresepect me by keeping her stuff there. She obviously has time to do stuff like that, but not time to get her stuff out??

 

So I did a whirlwind in the room and bagged up just about everything. Then I planned on calling her today to tell her to come over so I could talk to her. I was going to tell her she can't do this to me, ESPECIALLY if she is seeing someone else all the while leaving her stuff there in my house.

 

And then this morning came. It was the first thing I thought of when I woke up. I was still angry. I told myself last night not to call her then because of the whole making decisions based on emotions. Glad I didnt. Thanks for uplift. I have to keep telling myself to look at the big picture and not one or two little things.

 

So just still stick with NC then? I cross off days on the calender everytime I get through one. It's been about a week now since full NC.

[niceguy27]

So stupid me...I checked her facebook page. The guy she has recently been hanging out with posted a pic of them at some wedding a week ago. She then added a comment on there saying "**** is the hottest coach ever!" Stupid me. All that progress.

 

Now this guy is complete opposite of myself and her. Cocky, arrogant, all that stuff. Is this a rebound for her? She originally told me she kind of liked him due to the fact that he is always unavailable and they work together. What gives? I'm not planning on giving up on my plan but can a person really just bury their feelings like that so soon? I've heard that rebounds dont last long and its a way for them try to forget but most times they end up comparing you to the new guy. After a while, this newness fades and they start to miss the good times.

 

I'm just a little angry right now over this. Any input from you guys?

[AriaIncognito]

I apologize and I haven't yet read any of this thread, but the title has always grabbed me.

 

"I need her back".

 

Let's take a look at this.

 

You need food. You need water.

 

You don't NEED her. You want her.

 

There is a HUGE difference between NEED and WANT. I think we end up thinking, far too often, that we NEED a certain person in our lives in order to be happy. If we do this to ourselves, we are leaving ourselves open to a lifetime of unhappiness. Try to shift your focus of her, from NEED to just WANT. I think you'll realize the difference once you do.

[DH27]

I apologize and I haven't yet read any of this thread, but the title has always grabbed me.

 

"I need her back".

 

Let's take a look at this.

 

You need food. You need water.

 

You don't NEED her. You want her.

 

There is a HUGE difference between NEED and WANT. I think we end up thinking, far too often, that we NEED a certain person in our lives in order to be happy. If we do this to ourselves, we are leaving ourselves open to a lifetime of unhappiness. Try to shift your focus of her, from NEED to just WANT. I think you'll realize the difference once you do.

We've already been over this haha. Yeah obviously we wont die without our girls, but life would be much better with them.

 

Niceguy, I feel you man, I just hit another lowpoint in this emotional roller coaster today. I started to freak out again, wondering if what I was doing was right. Wondering if NC would just make her think I was leaving her again, and didn't care. Cause that was the problem with our relationship, I took her for granted and ended it. I trust you guys though and trust you know what you're talking about. NC is so hard to keep up, especially when you aren't sure if its the right thing to do

[niceguy27]

I keep telling myself that if she wants to talk or meet up, she knows my number. I am getting to the point where I am finally starting to see that I dont deserve to be like this and I have to take control.

[DH27]

No we definately don't deserve to feel this way. We do it to ourselves though, and thats the worst part. How do you think I could take control of my situation? Since the breakup its been out of my hands. Even with NC things still aren't my call. Because I don't think she is going to make first contact.

[niceguy27]

If there are any things of her left at your place, put em all away. You can take control in any number of ways. Im working out, forcing myself to think of other things when she pops in my head, and little things like that. They add up over a period of time. Pretty soon, your back in control of every part of you life. I may even go so far as to box up some of the food she liked in my copboards just so I dont have to thumb through them when Im looking for dinner.

 

Go the original course you set for yourself. That aloone is a way of taking control of the situation. When that time is up, decide if YOU want to initiate contact with her. They are all small things but I really think they help a lot in the long run.

[DH27]

EMERGENCY!!!!!

 

so I guess I was wrong, she was the first one to make contact. she just texted me saying "What are you doing tonight? I kinda wanna go to DU... I have never been there."

 

she wants to come up and party at my frat with me (DU is my frat). what do I do? Ive been on NC for 3 days now. help me out fellas, what do I do?? she knows I'll be there for the party, I practically live there. help me out guys.

 

I really dont know what to do. I see pro's and con's to both decisions. Like I said, I had NC with her for 3 weeks before this, broke it for about a week, and am back on it. but its only been going for about 3 days now. tonight could be the night to show her I am who I was when we first met.

 

if someone could instant message me on AIM that'd be great. my name is DHiserTA27. I just need some conversation cause I have some questions.

[DH27]

well this is bad... I'm left to make the decision on my own, and up until now that hasn't worked out well. the two options I see are just ignoring her text, or having her come up. I haven't made my decision yet, still thinking. Time to man up and do this myself. Wish me luck. I'll post the update.

[Spinderella]

if you really want to play games, text back and say "not tonight, sorry. you could come either [date] or [date]." at least thats what i've read somewhere or other, as good love tactics, and also good business tactics.

[DH27]

well, I texted her back saying I would be up at DU with some playful talk in it. and about 10 minutes later she calls my cell phone. I let it miss the call, and about a minute later I call her. She says she was in the middle of leaving me a voicemail, and we start talking playfully, joking around, all this while there is loud music playing in the background and im havin a good time so I'm showing her that I have stuff going on and I'm a fun person like before. I caught her off guard I'm sure. the convorsation went great. So as you've guessed she is comming up tonight.

 

i told her there will be security at the door, and she doesnt like confrontation so she asked if i would come down and get her, and i told her she'd have to call me when she got there and id come and let her in. I don't know I have a good feeling about this. I've set the foundation of playfulness and fun. and its at my frat, my home turf. I'm in control and call the shots. I feel good.

 

Its breaking NC, but I see this as my shot to show her the man I am, and not the pussy that was crawling at her feet asking her to take me back.

 

any tips for tonight?

[Blurple]

well, I texted her back saying I would be up at DU with some playful talk in it. and about 10 minutes later she calls my cell phone. I let it miss the call, and about a minute later I call her. She says she was in the middle of leaving me a voicemail, and we start talking playfully, joking around, all this while there is loud music playing in the background and im havin a good time so I'm showing her that I have stuff going on and I'm a fun person like before. I caught her off guard I'm sure. the convorsation went great. So as you've guessed she is comming up tonight.

 

i told her there will be security at the door, and she doesnt like confrontation so she asked if i would come down and get her, and i told her she'd have to call me when she got there and id come and let her in. I don't know I have a good feeling about this. I've set the foundation of playfulness and fun. and its at my frat, my home turf. I'm in control and call the shots. I feel good.

 

Its breaking NC, but I see this as my shot to show her the man I am, and not the pussy that was crawling at her feet asking her to take me back.

 

any tips for tonight?

 

DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP... dont try to hug or kiss her unless she is the one that initiates it..

[DH27]

oh yeah definitely. I know not to do that haha

 

any other tips, like for flirting and whatnot?

[DH27]

Update from last night:

 

It was amazing! We had so much fun! She came over with some of her friends and I chose one of her friends as my beer-pong teammate (that game is played so much...) so that it wouldnt seem like I was trying to hang over her all night. Well me and my partner played against her some 4 times or so, even though you are supposed to switch opponents haha, she just kept wanting to play against me. When I would go to the bathroom or go get a drink of water she would always say "I want to too" and follow me. And when she would follow me she would grab my hand, intertwine fingers. We played some football in the halls too, just throwing it back and forth and having fun.

 

At about 2 in the morning, the party is still going at this point, she says she has to go back to her dorm, she doesn't want to, but has to to take care of a friend that is back there that has had to many at a party. Now time for a flashback. If you remember from previous posts... a long time ago, before we even started dating, I promised her that I would always keep her safe, and never let anything bad happen to her. Well this whole night I have been just having fun with her, never mentioning the relationship or anything, not touching up on her (even though she was touching up on me frequently) So she had to leave, and said she would walk home. I insisted that she needed a sober driver back to her place. So I scale the building until I find a brother who hasn't been drinking that night. I find one, and I have him drive her back to her place, and I wait out by the door till he got back to make sure everything was fine. But before she let go of my hand to leave (she had been holding my hand following me to the door again) she said to me I feel so safe with you. She knows I am there for her.

 

When she left in that car, I got a text from her saying "I trust you with my life". This was huge for me. I replied "I will always make sure you are safe". And about 2 hours later at 4 she texts me asking if I am alright and i say back that she doesnt need to worry about me. She replies "Too bad. I do". So now I am on her mind and she wants me to be safe. I reply "Thank you : )" and she says back to me "Mwah! ; )". Now that last text may not seem like much, but while we were dating, whenever one of us would leave, after saying goodbye that was always the last thing she would say, give me a kiss over texting haha, and she hasn't done it since the breakup. So that meant a lot to me... Then, this morning at about 9:30, she texts me asking if I want to get breakfast. So now we are going out to get some food in an hour or so.

 

Last night I did exactly what I needed to. I showed her the man that I am now. I was in control last night. I was the one who knew where to get drinks, she was following me, she wanted to do whatever it was I was doing, we had so much fun dancing and playing games; and most importantly in my opinion, I am the one that got her home safely.

 

What is my next move? I wish I knew where to go from here but I don't haha