I need her back...

[Travis L]

I haven't started NC yet... Her financial aid check is coming to my house and she has a couple of boxes that she needs to get out of my storage unit first. I want there to be no need on her end to get a hold of me. Plus she owes me half a grand (coming out of the aid check) Once that's settled (should be the end of this week), I'm disappearing for a while.

 

I hope all four of us (You, Nice, B, and myself) have a happy freakin' ending to our stories... This would be one hell of a thread if it happens. All of us are broken up for different reasons (you initially left her, mine left me, B made a mistake, and I forget what happened with Nice...) and found a way to get them back... Odds are against us but who gives a $hit!!!

[DH27]

Haha wow, yeah that would be amazing. Well, if we just keep helping each other out, and keeping each other straight....it could happen. That would be amazing though.

 

Well I've gone all of yesterday and today without any contact, I'm waiting for her to contact me tomaro, which there is a good chance she will. And if not tomaro, then on Saturday, which I feel there is a very good chance. So I'm just waiting it out, livin life, till this weekend when I'm pretty sure I'll get a text from her asking to hang out or go see the football game together.

[niceguy27]

I think my ex is TRYING her hardest to stay away. I can tell by the way she talks to me. I saw it in her last night when she came to get her stuff. She asked if she could give me a physical because she was getting tested on it today. No...It wasnt anything sexual either...Ha ha. It was hard as hell to sit there with her that close to me and not do anything. I know this sounds stupid, but do you remember when you first would get close with your ex? How you could "sense" or feel the chemistry? That was how it was when she was practicing on me. Maybe it was me or maybe there was something there. Its so hard to tell.

 

I think that maybe she has it stuck in her head that if her and I were to try again, we would have to jump full tilt back into things. There is no way of me trying to get that point across to her without coming off as trying to get back. I push, she pulls. I dont think the thing with this new guy is anything to worry about. She just has too much on her plate right now for anything.

 

Her mother told me that she broke down earlier this week about evry1 giving sh** all the time. She is under so much stress. I have done a good job of not contacting her and giving her what she wants.

 

I still miss her just as much as before and I need a way to help her not be scared of me. But how do I do that without bringing up deep seated emotions? Should I write her a letter? Or meet with her? Tell her mother and see if she passes it along? Or do I stick out my month plan and go from there?

[DH27]

If she is super stressed about life, then you need to be a source of nonstress for her, relaxation and fun. You cannot add stress to her life. Be her escape if possible. There is definitely a wall she has built up to you two getting back together. Thats how it is with my ex too. How to tear down this wall, I haven't figured out how yet...

 

I wish, just like you, that I could bring up how I feel with my ex, but I know if I do it could be disastrous. I just wish I could find a way to do it, but it would require the perfect time and place. So until then, I'm just gonna keep being a source of relaxation, fun, and her escape.

 

I know how you feel with the sensing chemistry...just having you two even almost touch just makes you feel good.

 

We all have very similar situations, so whatever advice you give, or is given to one of us by another, try to gain something from it also.

[Travis L]

I still miss her just as much as before and I need a way to help her not be scared of me. But how do I do that without bringing up deep seated emotions? Should I write her a letter? Or meet with her? Tell her mother and see if she passes it along? Or do I stick out my month plan and go from there?

 

Just an outsiders POV, but I think you should stick to your plan. Once the month is up (if she doesn't come crying to you before then), go from there... I don't know if you have been away consistently enough for her to truly miss you... Have you spent any of your breakup time helping her remember all the good things about u?

 

Pretty soon I'm going to be in the same boat (NC) and I've scared to death...lol... The longest we have gone without talking is about 3 days since breakup. I was hoping her financial aid check would come today so I could start NC, but no luck.

 

She called me today to help her with her homework.... So, I'm going to spend the night at her place (not sure if it's the couch or the bed...we'll see). I'm trying to be the source of not only fun and excitement, but knowledge and skills that her current man doesn't possess. I pray the check comes tomorrow or Saturday so I can go strict NC after seeing her everyday this week. The bigger the extremes, the more profound the feeling of losing me will be. I have a date lined up for Sunday so it will help keep my mind off the ex...

 

Good luck men! We're all on this roller coaster together!

[niceguy27]

Thanks for the pick me up. I had told her to focus on the good things when we first split up. We had our fights and what not and we had A LOT of good memories. Lots of travelling and going to new places. Trying new things out. The longest I have gone without seeing her has been 2 weeks. Talking in any shape or form about a week.

 

I know I have to stick to my plan in order to make anything work. Its the time alone that I have trouble with. Since I want no one else its hard for me to even look at another woman, nonetheless think about going out with them. I am going to a wedding next weekend with a friend of mine as my date. That gives me something to do.

 

I think I am going to try to stay focused on myself. I just read that "No more mr. nice guy" book. It offered a lot of good advice for me. One of the main things was that I am always trying to take the "smooth road" and not rock the boat. By doing that I am giving in to her needs and not mine. I am scared that if I put my foot down about stuff she will turn away. So your right. Stick to my plan, avoid her, get into shape, and see what happens.

 

It sucks so bad. Everyone keeps telling me that her and this guy are not involved as I am making them out to be. I know that she is more stressed out now than ever before in her life. Your right about her seeing me as an escape. I want her to see that but its a fine line between that and letting her use me when its convienant. This is what happens when you decide to stick things out for the long haul. Its up and down like this.

 

Travis...I would try to not stay over there tonight. In fact I wouldnt even go over there at all. Ha ha. I should listen to my own advice...I let her give me a physical because she couldnt practice on anyone else. Its a whole mentality that we have to break. I am learning that its ok to say no and be kind of a a** once in a while. But we are all human and have to follow what we feel.

[Travis L]

I just got that book! I just started reading it, per CaliGuy's advice. I hate the roller coaster...it's was a lot worse when it first happened. Now, her moods effect me less and less.

 

I am going over there one last time before my exit. Like I said, I think the extremes of having me all the time to not having me at all will wake her up a little. Nothing is 100% but I am trying to put my knowledge of her to use. I feel like I am playing a game but I'm really just giving her what she requested when she first left...space. The time away will do us both good at reexamining our feelings and desires. She needs to know that when she left me, she left all of the good with the bad. Right now she is having the time of her life with having me by her side while not having to commit.

 

My plan is to start NC Sunday (if the check comes tomorrow or the next) or Monday. I'm excited but scared... It's for the best but I hate to see her suffer... I need to read the rest of the book this weekend to prep me for not being walked all over...

[DH27]

Roller coaster indeed! Well today for me has been pretty good. Didn't have any contact with her today either. 2 days in a row, hoping for that contact on Saturday if not Friday. This new plan for me is so much less stressing than the last one haha. I thought about her a lot today, but at other times I wasn't thinking about her at all, no anxiety attacks. For the first time in a LONG time I was able to study without having her fly through my mind, making it seemingly impossible to study. This is good, it feels good, and I just hope I can stick to the plan.

 

I agree with the extremes. Let her see her life with you in it, then let her see it without. I have a feeling I know which one she will like more:D

 

Stay strong through the NC, I completely agree for the reason I just stated. Stay strong man.

 

Good luck to everyone, especially tonight for Travis!

[niceguy27]

Yeah. Try to keep your cool. Just DONT bring anything up. Let it just happen. Look forward to when its over with then we can all try to do the NC for a while together. Try our damn best to keep it up. I think all of our ex's are so used to knowing that we are there that they continue on while we wallow and wonder.

 

My ex still left some crap at my house, her car was just too packed to take any more but I am not going to do anything about it. I have to let her go on her own and do this month thing straight. At the very very least have LC with her/them. Then when its over with and only then, will I/we contact them.

 

Lets make sure to keep up on stuff.

[niceguy27]

DH do you have PM activated on your account?

[Blurple]

Hey Guys so my girl came down to see me. It was great she argued on the phone with me a little and I used this biotch voice a little and I knew it was wrong. She even said how she hated it LOL. but i recovered by starting to act like a hole. not too much tho.

 

So look we spent the day at my place watched some movies we talked. It was perfect. the next day we hung out she needed help paying her phone bill so i did that for her. When we were dating I helped her out with everything... from buying clothes to gas to phone bills to I dont know just everything.... Well me and her are pretty much "together".. we are still working things out and she is still keeping a little bit of a distance to me, but today is a huge jump in progress to me. Like i said in other post when she would go back to her home town she would start to act different so we will see how that goes. However, im not out of the woods yet. we talked a little bit about the possibility of getting married. but its too soon for that we both have to get some things out of the way first.

She even made a comment today like ... " I cant believe were already like this"...(meaning back together.)

 

When we were watching tv by miracle Ray j - One Wish. came on .. she was like do you know this is my song to you... Then i just replied now its mine to you.. (because she wanted to be back with me and I ignored her last year) Wow it was kinda of a rush as corny as it sounds.

 

then when we went to bed... I told her "Good night ill be here in the morning" (because like i said in other post she is affraid i am just going to leave her again) She turned over and cried and then gave me a kiss..

 

 

Big victory for me today... but you need to take it one day at a time. Her living so far from me kinda scares me. I just need to take it slow I never know whats going to come next. So also made the comment of saying she wishes i didnt live so far...

 

Well I will let you guys know how things go for the next few days.

 

Travis.. I started my NC and it only lasted three days before she called me back saying she was worried about us... This is coming from the same girl that said its for sure over and I never want to talk to you again.

[Travis L]

Roller coaster indeed! Well today for me has been pretty good. Didn't have any contact with her today either. 2 days in a row, hoping for that contact on Saturday if not Friday. This new plan for me is so much less stressing than the last one haha. I thought about her a lot today, but at other times I wasn't thinking about her at all, no anxiety attacks. For the first time in a LONG time I was able to study without having her fly through my mind, making it seemingly impossible to study. This is good, it feels good, and I just hope I can stick to the plan.

 

I hear ya... Not having to plot your next move makes it so much more relaxing. The ball is in her court and there is nothing you can do until the next contact! Hopefully she does call you tomorrow or Saturday but just keep it in the back of your head that the call might not come! I just don't want you to be devastated should it not happen in the next couple of days

Thanks for the support with regards to tonight!

[Travis L]

My ex still left some crap at my house, her car was just too packed to take any more but I am not going to do anything about it. I have to let her go on her own and do this month thing straight. At the very very least have LC with her/them. Then when its over with and only then, will I/we contact them.

 

My ex left stuff at my house for 5 months!!! She just picked it up on Monday (when I helped her move into her new apartment). Finally it's out now so I can implement NC without her having a need for any of her things.

[Blurple]

I really feel that if you can do it NC is the most powerful thing you can do in our situations. The person that cares less in the relationship controls it. I really felt that NC gave me an upper hand. For Travis and DH27 your ex's are still contacting you on a regular basis. Travis, from what you have said sounds like she depends on you. DH27 When you feel the time is right for you, NC it, completely meaning don't pick up the phone for her. It's really hard to replace someone as close as you in her life.. Travis, Also it sounds like to me that what she doesn't get from the other guy she calls upon you for. She is in the perfect medium. She has you for everything douche bag cannot live up to. Take her out of her comfort zone ASAP be illusive. I did it to my ex and she started going NUTZZZ...

 

Like I said before I feel everything is going good. I just dont want to get played. What I mean by that is... she knows i'm not going to wait forever and she is reaching out. You ask isnt reaching out good.? Yes, but I dont want her to reach out to me just so she can keep me where SHE wants me. I feel like when I step back she pulls me in. When she pulls in she stops short. I understand that i need to give it time. I am just worrying about intentions. I trust her. However, I am the one playing the game, not letting the game play me.

 

Also you guys all say that you dont know when to tell your ex's you want them back because you feel like they will pull away. Dont you think they already know you want them back? I mean i am all for playing it cool but you have to say something when the time is right...

[niceguy27]

Yeah they all know we want them back. No reason to keep beating a dead dog on that one. Plus you guys still have your ex call and try to keep in touch. That is when you def do NC. Pull away and let them come to you. Blurple...I think you have done a pretty good job of keeping things together. It sounds like you have been pretty reserved through the whole thing and made her bring things up. A good word of advice is to ask a question or better yet, make a statement about something and then dont say anything. Watch and wait for her response.

 

Once NC starts it does get easier after a little while. But after about a week is the real test. That is when I somehow keep falling off the wagon. Stick with it as best you can. At least you have a plan to start NC for sure. It will get you prepared for it when it does come around. Keep you expectations low and try to just enjoy the time together. It will be hard not to read into things when you are together because it will feel as though things are normal again. Bite your tongue and have fun.

[heartoutside]

I don't know if you guys know my story, but I won't really go into it. But I'm wondering how you got to the point of hanging out or talking on that level when you are doing NC?

 

Right now, my ex and I have have had two real talks since we broke up 4 months ago. We had 2 talks the week following our break up, but those amounted to nothing because we were both a mess. But 2 weeks ago, I laid it all out for her and just got the confused answer again. Then yesterday she and I had lunch and again I never got the "it's over, i don't see this working out" answer, just some more confusion (and an added bonus of her wearing a necklace I bought her 2 years ago, that she loves, but hasn't worn in sometime, but used to wear it everywhere). We left our talk with her saying, we'll talk again, and I told her to call.

 

But I'm know I need to do NC. But does that mean I don't answer the phone when she calls, and I just don't contact her? Or what? Any suggestions?

[niceguy27]

Once they know how you feel, there is nothing else that can be done. NC is just not calling or txt them at all. If they call, let her leave a voicemail. If its its urgent and you feel the need to call back do it. I have read a couple of books on this and everything points to the fact that if YOU suddenly drop off the earth, they are left to wonder "WTH?" There one minute gone the next.

 

Once they think that you are gone gone it will really force them into making a decision with a clear head. Until then, they will never be forced into deciding what they want as long as they know (whether aware of it or not) you are on the back burner waiting in the wings. I am dealing with the same issue.

 

My ex still wears the diamond I got her and hasnt taken any of our pics down from her sites. And its been well over a month since we split. I know your story a little bit and like my ex, I really think that they both truly love us and they think that they need to do this on their own. Like a test to themselves. So going NC in our situations will probably help a bit. Instead of healing like a lot of people use it for, it will make them make a decision because they will think we have just given up.

[heartoutside]

My problem is I've done that twice. Once the second the break up happened, the next day I basically went to our friends house and stayed there for 4 days with NC. On the 4th day she sent me a text saying I love you and miss you. About a month later I went NC again for 2 weeks and I broke it and discovered that she had thought I had moved on. So basically I'm thinking that if I do it again, she think I've moved on again. The funny thing is the 2nd time around that I did NC, she started contacting me again out of the blue. SO as much as she thought I had moved on, I think her contacting me was her way of checking in on me and seeing where I stand, maybe?

[niceguy27]

If she thinks youve moved on already then she is crazy. The old saying "You dont know what youve got till its gone" sums it up pretty good (Whitesnake??). Since we are the "dumpees" we see everything as wanting to get resolved right away. The other person doesnt see it that way. It may take months for them to realize if they want something or not.

 

Go NC for 2-3 weeks, then contact her and meet with her for a quick date. See how she reacts. Let her talk and bring things up. Otherwise she will keep testing the waters every so often. After so long there has to be a decision. The only way is for her to think that youve moved on. Even if she meets someone between then and now (which I know she probably wont), he cant replace all the stuff you guys have shared, so dont worry about that.

[DH27]

Well, I was right about her contacting me today, but it was a lot better than I had expected. She sent me a text message at 8 in the morning telling me good morning. We always used to text each other good morning as soon as one of us would wake up. We talked for about 3 hours before I went to sleep or I would fall over haha. Well we are gonna hang out tonight at my frat. And she did bring up why she was crying last week. She told me it was just because I made her feel really safe, tears of joy I guess.

[Blurple]

Good Job DH27 looks like ur inching up closer and closer... let us know how the night goes!!! remember.. Be smooth....

[Travis L]

Well, I was right about her contacting me today, but it was a lot better than I had expected. She sent me a text message at 8 in the morning telling me good morning.

 

That's great DH! My adventure went....not so well last night I went over to stay the night... She had her girlfriends over and she won't let me sleep in her bed around other people who know her BF. I ended up having to sleep on this couch that I couldn't even fit my upperbody on... She fell asleep so I went home.

 

She calls me at 10AM asking where I went, so I explained it. She gets all pissed off at me cuz I was going to help her with her homework. I invite her over but she doesn't want to drive the distance. I stand my ground and she says, "Don't ever call me again." I say calmly, "Ok." She calls back 30 minutes later and asks if she can come over... lol... I say, "sure." So we spend the afternoon doing her homework and she cuddles up next to me to watch an episode of Heroes (I tivo everything).

 

Good Lord... I had been doing so well in not missing her when she leaves. Today hit me hard. Just a couple more days until I start NC!!! I'm excited!

[DH27]

Wow Travis! I started laughing when I got through your second paragraph. Haha I love it... She gets all pissed off, you play amazingly cool, and she comes crawling back after a measly 30 minutes. Awesome...just awesome. Sounds like you have some leverage, I have a good feeling that when you go NC, good things will happen.

 

Yeah I feel like I am inching in. Thats the plan, just keep slowly moving in. Keep my eye on the long term goal.

[MattyTee]

Hey guys,

 

Sorry to butt in here. I've just been reading through this thread and I was pleased to finally see at least some positive things happening (there's a lot of "you'll never get back together, don't be an idiot" around ).

 

My situation is a little different in that we were in a long distance relationship. She called it off around 2 months ago now and since then I had kept contact for a few weeks (now 1 week NC) trying to be a friend. I had a chat with her last week where I found out that she felt our 8 years hadn't meant much to her and the good times were few and far between ... ouch. She also listed things she wanted in the next "person" she was with - but followed that by saying "that's something to think about if you want to be with me again". She also said she didn't want to be with me now but if we both changed - well it was impossible to say.

 

I've started no-contact for myself - I can't handle the little bit of contact I'm getting. I've found out that 4 weeks after our breakup she's started using an online dating site and last week she told me if she met someone she liked she would pursue a new relationship.

 

So, any ideas? Is NC here really only for me? She never initiated contact during the last 7 weeks (although I was) and is possibly still confused about what she wants. Honestly, I don't know if I'm just missing her "clear" message and hanging on to the little lines that give me hope.

 

Any help or advice is appreciated. My full story is available elsewhere but I will link if people ask

[Travis L]

Hey guys,

 

Sorry to butt in here. I've just been reading through this thread and I was pleased to finally see at least some positive things happening (there's a lot of "you'll never get back together, don't be an idiot" around ).

 

Argghhhh, don't butt in! Just kidding.. The more the merrier! We can all learn from each other...

 

So, any ideas? Is NC here really only for me? She never initiated contact during the last 7 weeks (although I was) and is possibly still confused about what she wants. Honestly, I don't know if I'm just missing her "clear" message and hanging on to the little lines that give me hope

 

How often have you made contact during those 7 weeks? How does she respond when you do make contact? LDR's are a lot more tricky then up close and personal, in my opinion. How often did you two see each other when you were together? Whats the longest you have gone without contacting her?

 

In my opinion, she feels like she has her hooks in you and at anytime can just reclaim you. You are not a challenge to her (as evidenced by you continuing to contact her without her reciprocating). I think a good dose of falling off the face of earth is really your only option. No IM's, phone calls, etc.. Don't cave the first time she calls, either. Maybe wait a day or two before returning her call (increases the mystery).

 

Since she has made no attempts to contact you, i really don't see any other option. You need to increase your value to her by making yourself seem busy with other girls, getting into shape, etc... Just my opinion for now, as I await your responses to my questions.