slept with ex, then stayed up all night in same bed. Can i tell my boyfriend?

[Vixen763]

Am new here... I broke up with this guy five months ago. I instigated the breakup on principles that we can not blend for the future. However we run into eachother alot and sparks (chemistry) is still heavy.

 

I have a new buyfriend of two months now who i love so much. He lives many miles away on another continnent but we knew eachother from way back so, we agreed on having an exclusive relationship.

 

Recently (and stupidly so) my ex convinced me to join him in the city where he works so we can talk and see if we can work things out. i was to sepnd four nights there. two nights passed and we had no sex which was god for me (also luckily because i was in my pees) the third night it was too muc and it happened. But i realised that i nolonger have as strong feelings for him as i do for the other guy am dating now.

 

Because i couldnot sleep all these nights. You can imagine staying in bed all these nights sleepless and thinking odf my boyfriend and feeling all guilty. Sometrimes i would want to get out of the ebdroom just to speak with him because he would be calling the same hour as always...

 

I ma now so sure that my feelings are with the new guy but i am so guilty. I have not fully explained myself where i have been these past days and unable to talk at night... i want to be honest but how goods would the truth do me especially that i betrayed him...

 

after slepeing with my ex, how do i let him know that the spark is gone and i ahve a new life which i wnat to live now.

 

this is long but write down what you can please

[roxy_1980]

Why would you go see your ex to "see if you can work things out" when you were already seeing someone else? That alone is SO disrespectful. What did you expect was going to happen?

 

There is no getting around telling your bf that you messed up, but don't expect him to understand the way you want him to.

 

You seem to expect him to happy that you cheated on him in order to figure out that you no longer have feelings for your ex. You are suppose to resolve old feelings before getting into another relationship, not do it on the fly while dating someone else.

 

He's gonna be pissed off and with good reason.

[BohemeRose]

Yeah, I agree with the previous poster....If you love your boyfriend, why would you go back to your ex? It sounds to me like you were trying to see if you could have something more convenient with someone local, and completely ignored the fact that you're going to completely crush your boyfriend's feelings when you tell him.

 

And you DO have to tell him. Because if he finds out in some other way down the line, it's going to make matters much, much worse.

 

And for future reference? When an ex wants to get together to "try and work things out", especially if he knows you're with someone else, he's just trying to have sex with you, because he knows it will be a relatively easy conquest if you agree to getting together in the first place.

[Vixen763]

Look i get it. I certainly have to tell him and i know that he will not have to take it the way i would ever wish. I feel bad that i did it. Its rather complicated and stupid that i even had to go see my ex after months of keeping off him in all manner. I feel bad but i am not wanting to focus on what has already happened but manage the situation and face the consequences that come with my actions.

 

I ahve told my ex that all is in the past. and i dont wnat to keep contact with him or him with me. I expect that he fully understands that as is.

 

I wnat so much now (even thought i betrayed him) to make it work with my new boyfriend because we are both in it for the longterm. Both our families have welcomed the relationship because we knew eachother over a decade ago.

 

i ahve to tell him although i am worried it will throw him over the fence but i cannot tell him all my ugly escapades and rub it off...

 

He is far but he plans to come closer to where i live because i can not move until i finish college and he feels we cannot live apart for the next two years if we want to have a sensible relationship.... damn i am fearful of the consequences from this talk...

 

We talked on the phone a few hours ago and he told me he notices am not so forthcoming on the phone in the past two days, he feels like i am keeping something from him or that i am preoccupied mentally....

[BlueEyedSarah]

I think you should tell your new boyfriend as soon as possible before he finds it out from the grapevine. Once you tell him it will be up to him wether he stays with you or not. If he does stay you will have to accept a boyfriend who does not trust you and may even be on your case wanting to know every detail of where you are going, who you are going with, what time you will be back ect. If he does not want to stay with you then accept that, learn from your mistakes and move on.

[Vixen763]

Sarah thanx for your thoughts

 

I have made up the mind to tell him although its painful and sad. Yesterday i tried but i ended up just keeping quiet because when he called, he was all this happy person and telling how he had missed me all day and couldnt wait to get off work and have a lengthy converstaion with me. He had called twice during the day while at work... he sounded so happy and i failed to bring up the subject... is it okay to break ground and just tell him even when he is so happy and telling meof all the good things he did during the day..

 

actually i cut the conversation short because i wnat to create a mood that will make it easier for me to bring up such painful ugly stories... I dont know why i did all this, but look its already done and i am focusing of how to handle but its difficult bringing it up. The longer i wait, the worse i feel about it... do you advise that i write him mail, although i ahd not considered it a bettter option until now, that i feel difficulty speaking up?

[BlueEyedSarah]

I see nothing wrong with you sending him an email about what happened, but you have to prepare yourself for him to either get nasty or not talk to you again or possible both. Are you prepared to know how to handle that?

[Vixen763]

Although i would want very much for things to remain the way they are now, i can not control how he will react or how it will affect what we alraedy have. I am not prepared to handle the negative consequences and am not saying i am expecting the positive... I just dont think am prepared to handle it if he wants to break up, which will be his right anyway. just now i was about to begin a small email to him to explain things and i found him online writing me an email which i read and then we had a brief chat on IM. Damn, everytime i wnat to tell him, something comes up from his side (such as him professing how he misses me so muc) ansd i end up clamming up...

 

And by the way, we having this conversation with him two weeks ago and he was getting concerned that y ex is still all over me and he asked me if i wanted to tell my ex i was seeing (my current boyfriend, whom he knows) with a hope that he would backoff... Would that be a wise thing to do, i telling my ex that "look am now seeing so and so...) whom he knows?

 

a buring up with guilt but dont think am prepared to handle the eventuality?

[BlueEyedSarah]

"look am now seeing so and so...) whom he knows?

Just tell your ex that you are not intrested in him, sorry for the miscommunication, you do not want to talk with him any more, then go in nc with your ex. Do not tell him who you are dating right now as he will proberbly be the one to tell your boyfriend that you and your ex both had sex. Its better that your guy hears from you rather than someone else before you tell him yourself. He will think you were trying to hide it from him all along.

[Cobra_X30]

I just dont think am prepared to handle it if he wants to break up, which will be his right anyway.

 

a buring up with guilt but dont think am prepared to handle the eventuality?

 

 

Vixen,

 

I think you just need to tell him straight out. Even if he is in a great mood... yeah its going to bring him down, but the longer you wait the more you look like a dirty liar!.

 

Besides, I dont think you should worry about him dumping you. Thats actually the easiest of all the options.

 

What are you going to do if he decides to stay and try to work this out? How far are you willing to go to rebuild his trust? Are you truly prepared for him to hit the anger stage?

[Vixen763]

I am prepared to rebuild the trust and do whatever it takes for me to put things back to what we can get.

 

maybe i should fgo ahead and write him an email. because i find it hard to mention "i had sex with my ex on tuesday" and we spoke all through that day and following day and during the night. Because i know he will be asking me why or how i was able to talk to him the same night if i was in the smae house with my ex and the following mornin and what such pretence i put on yet i had just betrayed him. I dont feel am bale to handle that verbally. maybe i will write so that, by the time he calls, he will ahve put himself together... sorry but i am so scared although this is my sin

[Cobra_X30]

Email is ok... but be very careful how you word it! Your natural reaction is going to be to spin this and do damage control. Which you can do... as long as you dont lie about anything.

[Vixen763]

let me if i can phrase one.... has anybody been in this sort od sitaution... How did they ahndle it because damn, this is so hard for me right now...

 

I ahve written three mails so far and kept deleting them before sending

[bish]

In response to the question, "can i tell my boyfriend?".

 

Answer: Yes, tell him...then break up with him. You obviously don't care about him to be spreading your legs for your ex.

 

Let your bf find someone decent that won't f#ck him over like this.

[climbergirl]

I'm against writing an email to tell your boyfriend. That would be easier for you, not him. Also, I don't think an email will ever truly convey how sorry you feel. And I think he deserves the respect of a face-to-face confession.

 

But you do need to tell him and soon. The earlier you tell him, the better chance you have maintaining a relationship with him.

[Vixen763]

Look i made a mistake and you suggest i spill the truth and then braekup with him... Look much as i ahve commited a bad one of betrayal i wnat the relationship mto survive... i certainly would not be the one to instigate the breakup but if he did, i would have no choice

 

life is about mistakes we make... i am not trying to make excuses here but i was in a relationship with my ex for almost two years, we were kinda of engaged and then i instigated a breakup... How i ended up with him four months after breaking up with him is something a iregret totally and i regreted it the veery night. I told my ex it was a mistake and that i should have not come to meet him and he knows that i dont want any further contact with him. silly as it it, i want my new relationshi so much now and if telling him will cause a breakup, then i might ger second thoughts...

[Vixen763]

Look i am getting uncomfortable now and i am beginning to feel maybe i should not tell him anyway since i amsure he will not find out about it... its bad a sitaution already but i dont want to make it any worse than it already...

 

can i keep quiet about it forever.

[climbergirl]

Look i made a mistake and you suggest i spill the truth and then braekup with him... Look much as i ahve commited a bad one of betrayal i wnat the relationship mto survive... i certainly would not be the one to instigate the breakup but if he did, i would have no choice

 

life is about mistakes we make... i am not trying to make excuses here but i was in a relationship with my ex for almost two years, we were kinda of engaged and then i instigated a breakup... How i ended up with him four months after breaking up with him is something a iregret totally and i regreted it the veery night. I told my ex it was a mistake and that i should have not come to meet him and he knows that i dont want any further contact with him. silly as it it, i want my new relationshi so much now and if telling him will cause a breakup, then i might ger second thoughts...

 

But if you want it to work you have to tell him. Otherwise your relationship is based on dishonesty.

 

I've been in a somewhat similar situation (boyfriend and I were briefly broken up and I was with someone else). I did tell him and yes he was mad for a while.

 

But my telling him also has made him trust me more. And we are still together 3 years later.

[Vixen763]

And how do you suppose he is going to take my dishonesty because we kept talking on thephone all these four days and i was not telling him an in another city. at night when it was latetr i would be replying texts back to him and not talking... i did not know what to say so i just kept quiet and it looked like i was home... how do i explain that i was in another city and i never told him. i Dont know if i am making a bid deal out of a not so difficult situation but it looks and feels very difficult for me right now. I lied about many things. That i was home and also that i had not met my ex because he asked and then i slept with my ex but once. the rest of the days i decleined because i felt remorseful and bad... i could not get back to my town immediately so i stayed there feeling bad and yet i could not tell my boyfreind what was happning

[Cobra_X30]

let me if i can phrase one.... has anybody been in this sort od sitaution... How did they ahndle it because damn, this is so hard for me right now...

 

I ahve written three mails so far and kept deleting them before sending

 

Just post the email and you will get plenty of feedback on it. Yes you can convey how sorry you are in a written format... in fact you can probably say it better, because he wont be asking you questions. In the email ask him to give you a call when he is ready to talk to you about this.

 

I am in the process of something mildly similar. I dont think that my story would help you one bit. Mostly because there was no actual cheating that occurred.

 

I can say that the reason I gave her the boot is because of a lack of honesty. If you wait too long I think he may have the same feelings.

[Cobra_X30]

And how do you suppose he is going to take my dishonesty because we kept talking on thephone all these four days and i was not telling him an in another city.

 

Yeah, that makes things a little difficult. You should explain to him that the reason you were there was to clear the air w/ ex, so that you could move on to a new relationship with him. That you were not ready to talk to him about it because of your emotional state... ect.

 

Really, I dont know how to explain that. There is really no way to make it sound good, but I am telling you now that he already knows something is up... He is just waiting to hear it.

 

Besides, you still have the internal issue of why this happened to grapple with. If you cant be honest with others then you cant be honest with yourself. If you live a lie, then you become a lie.

[oppath]

If you can't tell him...then you MUST BREAK UP WITH HIM. You can't build a relationship on dishonesty and lies. It is manipulative. Failure to disclose information that could lead your significant other to make an informed decision about the status of your relationship is a form of abuse. Yes, it is a form of abuse, because you are manipulating the other person through deceit. It is that serious and deserves serious words.

 

You are making excuses. The fact you were with your ex for 2 years and essentially engaged to him is a cop-out. It's complete crap. I understand you feel bad and this is difficult for you, but stop being selfish and only thinking about yourself. No, you are not thinking about your current boyfriend's feelings. You are only concerned with your own. You don't want to appear like a bad person in his eyes; that is why you are hesitant to tell him. That is why this is so difficult.

 

Understand, when you are in a relationship with someone, you owe it to them to be assertive when it comes to their emotions. You must stand up for your partner when their heart and emotions are on the line, even if it means hurting them. You are making this all about you. I am going to be harsh and say you are being quite selfish. It sounds like you don't want to be honest because you'd be caught, and then you'd have to face the reality that you ****ED UP. What's going to happen if he finds out a month from now? A year from now?

 

Go see him straightaways if you can. Or at least tell him on the phone. Tell him "there is something difficult I need to tell you. I need to be honest with you because I value you and respect you and I made a big mistake. I visited my ex last week. Some feelings were still there. We had sex. Afterwards, I realized how I betrayed you and felt horrible. I want to develop a relationship with you, not him. You have every right to be furious with me. I messed up big time. I very much want to work through this and be with you, which is why I am telling you. I want to be honest with you. You deserve it. I know my actions were wrong; I have no defense. I understand my actions will have severe consequences. I only hope you are willing to discuss it and give me a chance to make amends, as I am sincerely sorry."

 

If you can't do that, break up with him. No-one deserves deception and lies. His emotions are on the line, and he deserves assertive behavior from you so he can make a decision. You must stand up for his emotions even if it means hurting him.

[oppath]

 

life is about mistakes we make...

 

I disagree. Life is about how we take responsibility for the choices we make, and the choices we failed to make. Life is about owning up to mistakes. Sure, we all make mistakes, but you can't use that to excuse making a mistake. You can only excuse mistakes by taking responsibility for them and being willing to accept the consequences the mistakes may create.

 

The choice you failed to make: telling your ex "I know this may hurt you, but I am dating someone and like where it is going. I don't feel it would be appropriate for us to visit. I'll always be thankful for the times we had and you are an amazing person, but if we can't be platonic friends while I am dating someone new, then it is too soon for us to be in contact at all."

 

Did your ex know at all you were dating someone? I understand not wanting to rub it in an ex's face you have moved on, but by not telling him you were seeing someone, you are making your current boyfriend invisible. That's harsh. His feelings should come before those of your ex.

[bish]

Look i am getting uncomfortable now and i am beginning to feel maybe i should not tell him anyway since i amsure he will not find out about it

 

Well if you don't think he will find out about it, well then hell....go out and cheat on him some more with that logic.

 

He deserves to know so he can make up his mind whether he wants to stay with a cheater or not.

 

You're just being damn selfish, as if being a cheater wasn't selfish enough.

 

 

can i keep quiet about it forever.

 

Sure you can keep quiet about it....go ahead. You are obviously a selfish person.

 

So yes...keep it from him and let him go on with a cheater and not know it.....until you do it again. And don't say you won't either. Once a cheater always a cheater.

[Vixen763]

I really appreciate the response i have got. I want very much to tell him the truth but i was getting scared by some of the very straight responses that, i should tell the truth and then breakup. I can feel that he knows something is wrong but he is just waiting for me to say it because i feel so guilty i dont even want to talk to him about my feelings for him and this morning he calls me at 5am to ask me why i am being evasive and notw anting to have our lengthy night phone conversations....because since my wrong escapade i have been acting tired and wanting to sleep early.

 

Right now iam writting an email to him about everything that happened and i will wait for the consequences of my actions and face them, even as they may not be what i would want then to be.

 

I do understand that, this should not just be about me... its about both of us and i hate to know i can live another lie of not telling the truth after all i have done..

 

Yes i told my ex that i am currently seeing someone and it is a relationship i value and want to be in and would not expect him to be looking for me actively or contacting me in anyway until we are able to handle a platonic relationship.

 

God help me but am doing this right away...