slept with ex, then stayed up all night in same bed. Can i tell my boyfriend?

[Mz. Pixie]

Once a cheater always a cheater.

 

This ranks right up there with all men are dogs too. Both statements generalizing and totally untrue.

[bish]

This ranks right up there with all men are dogs too. Both statements generalizing and totally untrue.

 

Experience has taught me otherwise. I've never met a cheater that could be trusted.

[shakenandstirred]

Vixen,

You know what you did was not honorable, it would be even more dishonorable to continue this charade. What kind of effect did you think betraying your new boyfriend would have? You sleep with your ex and then get an epiphany that you really want to make things work with your new boyfriend? I don't mean to sound rude or judgemental, I just want to know how could you do such a thing? You would be devastated if you found out he was doing to you what you just did to him. I don't know him, but from what you said he sounds like he doesn't deserve this. What he does deserve is the truth and not in an email. You need to own this. You cheated behind his back, now you need to fix it face-to-face. His feelings didn't matter too much for you to have sex with your ex, and if they did, you disregarded them the moment you became intimate with your ex. I hope things work out between you two, but you must be prepared for a bumpy road if he decides to stay. You will be under a microscope and have to constantly reassure him that you love him and only him.

[Vixen763]

i do appreciate the response but i hope you realise we come here to the community for guidance. Some respondents really sound rude and it makes me fear. But i appreciate it.

 

life is full of many issues and every relationship ends up having one too many issues as long as its on the road to lifetime comittment. I failed to send the email and when he called me during the day, i told him i wanted to talk to him after work about something sensitive and i told him i had betrayed him but there was a need that he knows the truth even when he would never know if i tried to hide it. I did give him a clue because i am tired myself of living the lie and i did not want him to call later and i tell him to forget what i wanted to talk about. So he has an idea i went to another city with my ex and its from that point, that i will start.

[shakenandstirred]

life is full of many issues and every relationship ends up having one too many issues as long as its on the road to lifetime comittment. ]

 

 

Yes this is true. Yet you should not create issues that will be detrimental to your relationship. Dealing with issues that you both bring to a relationship will be healthy if you want a lifetime comittment. Creating issues that were not necessary can prove to be deadly to it. This was not necessary, but I truly wish you the best in your talk with your boyfriend.

[oppath]

You are doing the right thing. If people have appear rude, and it is likely because they were cheated on before, and the cheater did not tell the truth, and they found out later. Concealment of the truth often hurts worse, because then the person feels lied too. They feel that important information that would allow them to make a decision, that would give them control over their own life, was kept from them, so they feel deceived and used.

 

Marraiges, for example, typically can survive an isolated case of cheating. They can't survive and affair, because the affair involves continuous deception and lies. that is why we jumped on you. You were thinking of not telling him because he would never find out. Even thinking like that....it deserves to be shot down harshly. You messed up pretty bad. You know the right thing to do: own responsibility for your mistake. You weren't seeking guidance on how to own it; you were seeking guidance on if it is ok to sweep it under the rug because you felt bad and realized you loved him. The answer to that question is definitively no, and there is no room for sway.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[norajane]

I failed to send the email and when he called me during the day, i told him i wanted to talk to him after work about something sensitive and i told him i had betrayed him but there was a need that he knows the truth even when he would never know if i tried to hide it. I did give him a clue because i am tired myself of living the lie and i did not want him to call later and i tell him to forget what i wanted to talk about. So he has an idea i went to another city with my ex and its from that point, that i will start.

 

An idea? He's already put two and two together, I'm sure. It's not rocket science when you say the words 'betray' and 'ex'.

 

I just can't understand you. You wait this long and then pick the middle of the day when he's at work to drop a bombshell on him, when he doesn't have time to talk. Now he's going to spend the rest of the day freaking out and being upset and has no outlet or time to think because he's at work.

 

Why didn't you just wait until tonight to bring it up when you could both talk about it in detail? You don't break something like this to people to get it off your chest and then leave them hanging.

 

I don't know. Maybe I'm seeing too much here, but are you thinking about HIM at all and what he's going through right now because of the way you chose to handle this?

[bish]

i do appreciate the response but i hope you realise we come here to the community for guidance. Some respondents really sound rude and it makes me fear.

 

Thats because some of us respondents have been on the receiving side of the same thing you are dishing out to your boyfriend...then lied to...then years later when we found out, we feel like we wasted alot of years with someone that didn't care enough to keep from messing around with someone else. If I had known what happened years ago, I guarantee that I would not have married my wife. And now here it is years later...she had the same attitude you did...didn't want to tell thinking what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me....and now we are getting divorced with 2 kids lives in the balance.

 

So I say to you, if you really care about him...tell him. give him a choice in the matter. Otherwise you are showing that not only were you selfish to cheat, but you are selfish not to give your bf a choice in what goes on in his life. Because if he ever does find out...you may end up hurting more than just you and he in the future.

 

So if you aren't willing to tell him and show one ounce of an unselfish act, then don't tell him and quit complaining about it. Then just take whatever happens in the future when he does find out.

[bish]

You are doing the right thing. If people have appear rude, and it is likely because they were cheated on before, and the cheater did not tell the truth, and they found out later.

 

Bingo!!! Well said. And in my case, now 2 kids are losing their happy home because of the selfishness of not telling earlier on in the relationship.

[oppath]

I'm not sure if I was physically cheated on, but there was infidelity in the emotional sense, and I WAS lied to, and I found out about it. I knew something was up, she was acting weird, and I called her on it, only for her to reassure me. She accepts gifts from me. A few days later she dumps me. Of course a month later, I find out her ex boyfriend proposed to her the day she started acting distant.

 

What hurt wasn't that he did it, it was she lied about it. She tried to not be caught. She had the chance to come clean, and give ME a choice. In the end, she made the choice to end things (and she lied about her reasons too and did it in a disrespectful way). What hurt was: she lied and denied me the choice to make a decision about my life. I felt deceived and that I wasted my time with her, because after the fact, I realized 100 ways she took advantage of me being empathetic about her ex and how she was lying to me the whole time. Had I known...had she disclosed some things months earlier...I would not have put up with it, I would have been less hurt, I wouldn't have invested so much time and emotions. She denied me that choice via dishonesty.

 

That is what hurt. That...and the realization she wasn't the person I thought she was.

 

To the OP: you have been selfish and immature about this. BUT YOU HAVE DISPLAYED A WILLINGNESS TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT. that is very good. I urge you, when talking with your boyfriend, not to focus on how hard and uncomfortable it is for you. Consider how hard it is for him!!! Whatever you are dealing with is NOTHING compared to what he is dealing with.

[Borginator]

I know you feel guilty and scared. but he deserves to know the truth. and u seem as though u still wanna make things work with your boyfriend. but im sorry, thats up to him to decide.

[Jonah]

It sounds like you are having a great time. I suppose that it would be proper to proclaim your independence to all, but not necessary. May I suggest accepting yourself for who you are right now. One day, you may be ready for a closer relationship. Some say to start from scratch and be alone for a while. But for now... just be happy and love thyself.

[Vixen763]

Thank you so much for the guidance on this. I finally let my dirty traaap out and talked about it without leaving details and had alot of explaining to do, with why i was able to stay on the phone and talk to him or text back to him, the very nights i was in this other town with my ex.

 

He asked to sleep over it and we will be talking about it later today once am off work, and its his off day, today so i guess ....i can imagine what he is going through and there is nothing i can do about it now. I am going enough myself here and the guilty killing me but am glad i came clean.

 

I dont know what to expect but its his choice i guess whether he wants to forgive (and not forget i know) and we try to make things work...

 

am in balance for now and no concentration at work....waiting to hear from him maybe two hours from now..cheers

[BlueEyedSarah]

Keep us updated .

[BohemeRose]

It hurts now, but you'll thank yourself for coming clean later on, even if things don't work out.

[oppath]

Good for you. I know it is hard. You are right, it is HIS choice. You have just succeeded in having more integrity in your life and relationships, and that can only lead to better relationships even if he decides to end this one.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Vixen763]

I did tell him. I feel better but still awful that i did what i did.

 

He has been very understanding and in a way he wants to give me/us another chance to work things out. He is still commited to coming down to live in the same city as i live if i wont be sure of relocating to where he lives in the next eight to nine months.

 

the only issue at hand would be different religious belief and him wanting me to change but i my dilemma on this on another forum and i guess i am getting guidance there...

 

just wann say thank you to everybody that "pushed" me to telling him. doing it verbally was the best