my mother is driving me insane

[allieapplesauce]

Hi, I just registered but I've been reading messages on LS for quite some time, but what I'm about to post is because I just can't take it anymore....I haven't been able to take it anymore for a few years actually.

 

I'm sorry, this might be rather long, but I partly need to rant and get these things off my chest, but also to give examples so as to fully understand what's going on. I really need some help if anyone has been in this situation and if they've been able to over come it.

 

It's my mother. She's alcoholic and mental.

You can't do anything right by her.

One minute she's nice. The next she's in a right foul mood.

It's always against myself, my 13 yr old brother, or my father.

 

When she's ok, she's still annoying. When she talks, she repeats herself and she is so detailed oriented that you want to run screaming, tearing your hair out.

 

Whatever you do....you can't do it right.

 

If you cook something and don't clean up after, she gets really nasty with her comments (understandable). And she'll go on & on & on...

 

But if you clean up, make sure there's no crumbs on the counter, and it's dry....do the dishes, put them away, clean table, clean floor....she is just the same!!! So you avoid cooking at all so as not to make the mess in the first place and she's in the same mood for us not cooking, and she has to do it all. So you can't win. And you can't tell her WHY you don't cook because you get the same treatment from her.

 

She cleans 24/7 so you can't have any peace at home and just relax once in a while because you have to help her clean or she gets mad for us trying to watch a movie or read because we're letting her clean, but then she cleans up after us anyway!

 

I work a lot and i save money. i want to move out you dont know how bad, but i pay so many bills for myself, i really don't have anything left for rent, so i live at home.

 

i'll get up in the morning and go to make some tea. She'll be up & in the kitchen talking to me. I'm not the person who wants to be talked to or have to talk back in the morning when i've been up for 2 minutes. Am I not allowed to be that way?

 

It would be okay if she said "I'm going to make stew for dinner, does that sound good?" But No, she tells you all the things she's putting into it and not just that it's potatoes, meat, carrots, broth, dumplings, corn....no she tells you about the potatoes, she didn't get the cheap ones, she got the good ones, and blah blah blah and i can't even hear myself think. So after a few minutes i'll say something like, "please, i don't really want to talk or listen right now, im not even awake" and she'll get pissy with me! Like, "fine, i was just trying to talk to you" and she'll be silent for like 30 seconds and then she'll just start talking again!!! I'll get my tea and head upstairs to take my shower and I'll hear her muttering about me walking away like always blah blah blah.

 

it's like, sorry thats my personality, you're getting mad at me on how im so ungrateful and selfish and rude because i dont want to talk or think first thing after i wake up? i mean, you know that's how I AM!! Why must you do it every morning. Just leave me a lone for a bit!

 

When she gets home from work or the store she sits down and wont let you talk to her aboutanything important at first. How is that different? It's not, only the time of day is different!

 

I don't talk to my parents about anything. I can't have any relationships or bring anybody over, all i do is work, and hang out some with friends, but if i come home at like 8pm it's late. and she's always, "must be nice to be able to go out" like im stopping her from having a life. i'm not the one that stays home all day or works only part time and doesnt get involved in anything. So if i do try to have a conversation with her, she's too busy.

 

That's the slightly better side of her, but the worst is that she drinks roughly every other day, and she drinks cheap beer. She's not fun. She gets irrational. She gets in your face. Sometimes she's happy, then she gets sad. Sad about her sister who died almost 7 years ago. She doesn't think it's as hard on me? But what can we do? We can't go back and reverse what happened. You can't have a conversation then, even though she wants to because she doesn't know what she's talking about, she repeats things fifty and a hundred times, she gets the idea were calling her stupid and stuff, but she's calling us stupid and going "NO! (giving her 2 cents) and then repeats it over and over. She and my dad get into arguments she calls him names and about how he doesnt do anything, doesnt pay any bills, doesnt give her enough money, doesnt buy my bro school clothes, and on and on......his side of his is always, you get mad if i try. i'll buy the wrong clothes, or you wont let me have the bills, you dont let me see any paper work to understand what needs done, so why not let you do it?

 

i have to say i agree with my dad.

 

it's like this: she's done my taxes every year except this years and complained the whole time and shoved it in my face for her doing it for me. For about the last 3 years I TRIED to do them myself but when those things came in the mail, she took them, put them up and wouldn't let me see any of it! I told her I'd do it myself. This year, I really really insisted on it, and took the stuff, and she got MAD at me for it!!! She got all pissy because I wanted to do it myself like the adult I am and not make her do it, and said things like about losing the papers and what not. And you know what, I handled it all myself without a problem and had the return check deposited by the end of february instead of april.

 

Family knows she's like that. They dont even visit because she gets like that. She'll stumple around the house when she's all drunk. She'll go up to bed after yelling at my dad who at midnight is trying to sleep on the couch because he has to get up at like 530 for work and every 20 min she'll come down and start arguing with him nad poking him in the chest. She'll leave and come back and it goes on till like 2 am. Everytime it ends in they're getting divorced but in the end it never happens. My dad does't want to deal with it. He just wants things to go as smoothly as possible. And my mother couldn't live on her own on like 10k a year.

 

I walk in the house and my chest is just this big ball of tight stress. I have one friend who kinda gets annoying at how she tells me i need to loosen up and get drunk and just go have fun, but i have more understanding friends (most who know my mom annoys me and stuff, but none know the whole picture) who calm me down. She makes me uptight. I can't join a gym to have something to do and be in shape because my mother gets all in my business about wasting money or why do i need a gym, blah blah blah.

 

She yells at me for having too many pairs of shoes and i have like 3 flip flops, 3 tennis shoes, 2 others shoes for like winter and a pair of dress shoes. I don't consider that to be a lot of shoes for a girl. I have like 3 purses because if i buy more she has something to say.

 

everytime she sees me wearing something she is like "another new shirt? must be nice to be able to buy so many things" meanwhile, it's a shirt i've worn DOZENS of times and have had for a year or so. But so what, isnt that what im supposed to do? go shopping? have friends? have relationships? Im very responsible. I pay my car payment, car insurance, buy food for my lunches that end up getting eatin not by myself, pay my student loan bill each month which is outragious. No, I don't really pay for rent or anything at home, but I will go grocery shopping, I don't contribute to the messes, im not really home. If i go grocery shopping, she tries to give me money, and if i don't take it she gets mad at me. So, i don't contribute enough for her, yet when I try to she gets pissy.

 

You see how its always a battle? I feel like I'm going to have a meltdown at age 24. I mean, I can't concentrate or sleep because I have all these things on my mind all the time. Im so stressed out. If i visit a friend for a weekend, i feel all the tightness just disappear and as soon as i step in the house or hear her voice it all comes back.

 

I try to talk about moving out and she starts on how i am not renting, im going to buy, blah blah blah and she starts taking control of that and how i dont need to move out for a few more years.

 

People tell me to just do it, but it's easier to say than to do. Trust me, im trying for the life of me. It's just not the type of situation where i can up and move.

 

She wont go to the doctors or anything. nothing gets through to her because i haven't talked to her in a week now since stuff that happened last sunday and yet she went and did hte same thing last night!

[Angelina Nisse]

You don't need her permission to move out.

You don't need to inform her.

Start looking for a place.

When you find it, make arrangements and move.

 

Problem solved.

[Curmudgeon]

If i go grocery shopping, she tries to give me money, and if i don't take it she gets mad at me. So, i don't contribute enough for her, yet when I try to she gets pissy.

 

You see how its always a battle?

 

Insanity IS hereditary but we parents get it from our children!

 

On a more serious note, everything you wrote tells me that your mother is totally controlling. She might also have a narcissistic personality disorder which lends itself to that.

 

You're 24. Time for you to go, Grasshopper!

[lagirl81]

I have been there, except with my father, which is now gone due to alcoholism. if i were you, i would really start living for yourself and try and find a roommate. i am sure there are plenty of other individuals in your area looking to move out. the first year of moving out isnt always great, but the best part is you are living for yourself and creating your independence and the life that you were meant to live. just remember parents you cannot change, nor can you change them, but you can change your interactions with them.

[luvstarved]

Yes, your mom is a control freak. Yes, you are an adult. You have to reconcile the two: take control.

 

You cannot meaningfully do this while living under her roof. You have no choice but to either put up with her or get out.

 

Of course, saying that you can't join a gym because she won't let you shows that you to some extent allow her to control. And, to some extent, you are unfair because you want her to accept the way YOU are wanting peace in the morning, but do not return the favor by accepting the way SHE is in needing to hear herself talk constantly. I do understand how annoying it can be, but you do need to try to look at things from another perspective, too.

 

I actually do have a similar problem with a mother in law who talks incessantly. I have learned to handle it, though. If I am in a hurry and she is not letting me get a word in edgewise, I just start verbally steamrolling her until I get out what I need to say. If listening to her is wearing me out, I just tune her out. When I need to leave the house and she is there (to babysit or whatever), I just walk out while she is in midsentence without saying a word. Took me a while to realize that this does not bother her, she's not so much talking to me in a meaningful way but just blathering because...she blathers.

 

The drinking can be a problem...how much does she really drink? If it is really excessive, at some point an intervention might be in order.

 

But it kind of sounds like nobody is willing to stand up to her. So I'm not sure how much change could be effected...

 

You probably aren't that happy with the advice that you need to get out of there and on your own, but that really is the best solution. And I can't help but wonder if the fact that you stay does not in some way indicate that you still find living there preferable to fending for yourself.

 

I also did not get along with my mother. I left home at 17. I worked and worked to avoid having to go back there. It was vitally important to me, so I did what I had to to make it happen. I never did go back.

 

Yes, your mother has problems and that is a problem for you. But you can't control your mother. You can only control yourself. So you have to approach the problem from that angle.

 

Good luck.

[allieapplesauce]

Of course, saying that you can't join a gym because she won't let you shows that you to some extent allow her to control.

 

My problem with that is everytime i go somewhere she's down my throat. I could join a gym anyway, which im trying to find the place, but in other situations similar she makes me feel guilty. ...why do you need to join a gym. you could help out and do more cleaning and chores and get the exercise there for free. why not take the gym money and help pay more towards the family. shell say i dont need a gym. im thin but im getting older and there are problem areas that just arent going away by mowing hte grass. she doesnt understand that. so i feel guilty and am constantly badgered for the things ill do.

 

I actually do have a similar problem with a mother in law who talks incessantly. I have learned to handle it, though. If I am in a hurry and she is not letting me get a word in edgewise, I just start verbally steamrolling her until I get out what I need to say. If listening to her is wearing me out, I just tune her out. When I need to leave the house and she is there (to babysit or whatever), I just walk out while she is in midsentence without saying a word. Took me a while to realize that this does not bother her, she's not so much talking to me in a meaningful way but just blathering because...she blathers.

 

well thats good that worked in your case, but my mother does notice and gets very insulted when i try that. i try to tune her out but she asks questions too that you have to answer. i dont need to know every item of food in the house and how much she paid for it and what i can do with it. when im ready to cook or something, i'll find it. its the amount of detail she puts into it that drives me insane.

 

The drinking can be a problem...how much does she really drink? If it is really excessive, at some point an intervention might be in order.

 

But it kind of sounds like nobody is willing to stand up to her. So I'm not sure how much change could be effected...

 

well, we've tried. her sister tried once, #s and ppl to talk to, she was in a depressed mood over another sister dying which she cries about all the time and drinks. this happened 6 years ago. im still very sad by it, it was the first worst thing in my life as well, but theres nothing u can do but live your own life. i cant help it she doesnt interact socially with anyone. she wont. ive told, ask someone for coffee at work, go to lunch, but she doesnt want to go with the ppl from work. well...do something, join a crafty thing at joanne fabrics or something. she says 'i know i know' but wont. but gets on my case when i want to go out with my friends and experience some stuff.

 

she was on some medication for a while a couple years ago but wouldnt take it. one day she was in one of those irrational drunk nasty moods and took the last 4 and then was sick from it and so its like if she gets more what'll happen next time. i think shes mental, bi polar, something. her father was like this too, though i was little when he died and not around him to understand or see his behavior to much extent.

 

we try to help or do something but she wont listen. she puts words in our mouth and wont let u get a word in edge wise. she's sensitive about everything.

 

You probably aren't that happy with the advice that you need to get out of there and on your own, but that really is the best solution. And I can't help but wonder if the fact that you stay does not in some way indicate that you still find living there preferable to fending for yourself.

 

i almost moved out with a friend but then she changed her mind. i have a hard time finding a place where i can get to work and be far enough away from my parents that they wont just "drop in to visit"

 

plus it doesnt help that my student loan payments are rent in itself and after my car payment and car insurance and health insurance and gas and whatnot, i only have like 400 bucks a month left...and if i dont put any savings in what am i to do if theres an emergency or what not. that doesnt even leave room left for food and supplies.

 

therefore i am currently trying to put what i can into savings and get a nest egg but at the same time move out asap.

 

trust me, im more than capable and ready to move out. but i need to move all my stuff, buy some furniture. at least some starter stuff. i can live without the fancy stuff without a problem. but despite my decent paying job, i still just dont have that income.

 

so i am just frustrated and hoping that things will just work out for me soon.