friends?

[Deb]

I caught my husband cheating with his best friend's wife. He wants us to stay friends. She is sarcastic to me and bitchy saying that I give her the evil eye. We are having a party and I did not invite her. My husband thinks that I should forget about it. What do you think?

[Totally Confused]

Be friends with her? I can't even believe that you've stayed married to him. And to top it off, he's the one telling you to stay friends with her. Are you really looking at the situation here? Get rid of all of them. How could your husband even expect you to ever talk to this women again? He has absolutely no respect for you and you're allowing it. He should be sucking up to you and trying to work things out with you. I can't even believe that you're still with him. Instead he's basically telling you to grow up and play nice with the woman he had an affair with. Look at the situation for what it is, cause it's not normal. And this other woman...of course you're going to give her the evil eye. She's lucky that that's all you're doing...SHE SLEPT WITH YOUR HUSBAND - HELLO!!! And your husband is just as guilty. It takes 2 willing participants to tango. I don't know what you plan on doing about inviting her to the party (I wouldn't invite her either), but the real problem lies in the affair that these two had. Don't overlook that. There are so many men out there who would love you, treat you like gold, give you respect and never betray your trust. Love is about respect and trust. Don't settle. You've got to be angry about the affair. Have the 2 of you even gone to counceling or taken any steps to try to work this out? Apparently not, if he's telling you to be nice to this other woman. He's brushing everything to the side, including your feelings. I hope you figure things out and I hope you realize what the real problem is. Stand up for yourself, cause you're the only one who will.

[Marigold]

I think like the previous respondent said, you are being treated without ANY respect whatsoever. YOU are the one that has been wronged here. Don't let your husband and this other adulterous ***** dictate to you what you should do. They, particularly your husband, gave up any rights to what you do with your life, the minute they deceived you so horrendously. I'm sorry, but I also think you should get them both out of your life. At least until you begin getting some help about the affair. It sounds like you have just had to accept this vile behaviour without feeling any pain. How damned unreasonable of your husband!! I imagine you have a gamut of emotions running through you right now, and you deserve to get help for these. Don't allow them to mistreat you for one more minute, because they will if you let them. They sound like they have no conscience. Stand up for yourself, and tell them both to get stuffed. If they continue to be so selfish and cruel, print out these two emails and show them what other people think of them...not much at all. All the best to you.

I caught my husband cheating with his best friend's wife. He wants us to stay friends. She is sarcastic to me and bitchy saying that I give her the evil eye. We are having a party and I did not invite her. My husband thinks that I should forget about it. What do you think?

[Deb]

The girl has been friends with us for numerous years, and I can forgive, but not forget. I have forgiven him, and he has been exceptionally wonderful. We have been together and through a lot over the years. The thing that I have a hard time with is when she is around, she is cutesy with him. I told her that she needs to back off on the friendship with him. She has agreed, and when we are all together as friends, I have the tendency to be catty, I can't help it. I really like her husband, he is kind and doesn't know about the situation. I would prefer to leave it like that as I wouldn't want to see him hurt. I am superficially nice to her, but am hurt and bothered by the situation.

I caught my husband cheating with his best friend's wife. He wants us to stay friends. She is sarcastic to me and bitchy saying that I give her the evil eye. We are having a party and I did not invite her. My husband thinks that I should forget about it. What do you think?

[Marigold]

I'm a bit confused here....bear with me, okay? You say that she is "cutesy" with your husband, which would infuriate me I have to say. You also say, that she is "sarcastic" and "bitchy" towards you, because you give her the "evil eye". (Which is completely understandable, by the way). Okay, now you have asked her to back off a bit from the friendship she has with your husband...and she has agreed. So, what is the problem now? Is it that she feels affronted by your inability to be particularly civil towards her, and she is making you feel guilty about this? Or, are you concerned by your own behaviour towards her? If it's the former, then that's just tough. Ask her to place herself in your shoes, and imagine how "civil" she would feel towards you. For God's sake, she committed adultery with your husband. And, to add major insult to injury she's been a friend of yours for years; or at least a "supposed" friend. Tell her you are prepared to move past things, but a deception as big as this one WILL take some time for you to recover from. If, on the other hand, it is the latter, and you are wondering if and/or when you can resume a friendship with her; only you can decide IF you can, and WHEN you will be able to do this. You need to feel your feelings for her; about all of this actually, and thus move through these feelings in your own time. If you can't be civil with her at the moment, or perhaps you can't envision being civil with her in the future either, then you need to re-evaluate things with her again, at a later time... perhaps? No one is saying you HAVE to be friends with her, right? I mean let's face it, none of us HAVE to do anything in life. I understand that there are four people involved here, and that there is more than one friendship to consider...but, don't you think you deserve to be thinking of your own needs first...at least for the time being? Forgive me if I sound harsh, but there's no prizes for being a martyr. Stand up for yourself, and good luck.

The girl has been friends with us for numerous years, and I can forgive, but not forget. I have forgiven him, and he has been exceptionally wonderful. We have been together and through a lot over the years. The thing that I have a hard time with is when she is around, she is cutesy with him. I told her that she needs to back off on the friendship with him. She has agreed, and when we are all together as friends, I have the tendency to be catty, I can't help it. I really like her husband, he is kind and doesn't know about the situation. I would prefer to leave it like that as I wouldn't want to see him hurt. I am superficially nice to her, but am hurt and bothered by the situation.

 

[Deb]

I was willing to let things happen as they may, and my friend gave me pretty much the same advice as you did marigold. She said that as long as you let them get away with it, they will keep doing it. I have told him that I was going to not humble myself and would speak out if a situation was uncomfortable. I have and it has worked. My husband has been more respectful with me in the last month than in the 7 years we have been together. He has come to learn that I am truly his best friend. He's had a lot of growing up today, and seems to have turned over a new leaf when it comes to our relationship. Thanks!!

I caught my husband cheating with his best friend's wife. He wants us to stay friends. She is sarcastic to me and bitchy saying that I give her the evil eye. We are having a party and I did not invite her. My husband thinks that I should forget about it. What do you think?

[Totally Confused]

Deb. You are trying so hard to be a good person, and you are. But don't let them walk all over you. You are too kind and should be with someone who will also be kind back to you. Please open your eyes. He's probably still cheating and you don't even know it. The reason I say that is cause you let them get away with it with a slap on the wrist. I would threaten her and tell her if she doesn't get the H@LL out of your lives, you'll tell her husband, cause you can't stand to bear the pain all by yourself. I can guarantee, if her husband found out about it, there would be no forgiveness and understanding. He move right on to someone more worth of him, once he got over the pain of the betrayal. This girl is not your friend, I don't care how long you've known her for. She doesn't respect you one bit. And your husband is a jerk (sorry, but he is) I don't care how nice he's been to you for 7 years, he cheated and betrayed you and he'll probably do it again. Don't be the victim and get out of this horrible situation. You say you've forgiven them, but won't forget it. I don't believe you. I don't think you've forgiven anything and I don't blame you - you're still angry about it. They lied. None of my friends who are still in my life lie to me. None of them go near my boyfriends either. Trust me, when I say, throw out the trash. Your real friends are the ones who are telling you what Marigold and I are telling you. Actually Marigold and I are better friends and are more concerned for you than your husband and this girl.