Please help...confused about my b/f

[Nicole08]

Hi everyone, I have a major problem & am not sure what to do. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years. I am still young (19) and my b/f is (23). We have had problem over the past few months as far as trust goes. I know that he hasn't physically gone out and cheated but I found several IM's and e-mails from other women, which were very sexually explicit. Well a couple of days ago, I actually found an IM that was between him and a couple of different bisexual men. He told one of them that he was "curious" and that he liked his picture. I was totally floored, I would have never thought of him doing anything like that I ended up packing up his stuff and waited for him to come home. I asked him about it and he is like I don't know, I don't know, I really don't think he is gay and he says he isn't. He is willing to do anything to make the relationship work, but I am just tired of all of it and told him we have to break it off. He has a very bad relationship with his father and there are lots of secrets in his family, my mom wondered if maybe he had been abused when he was a child, but I don't know. He says he has never done anything like that before, and I believe him. I just don't know what to do, and would really appreciate some insight on this. He said he is going to talk to a therapist which is good, but I don't know if I can move past this, b/c I would love to still be friends with him. My feelings for him are very much still there....Please help!

[Tony T]

You have to go TOTALLY with how YOU feel. If you can't deal with his stuff because of the way you feel, you know what to do.

 

A lot of people say and do things on the net just for the hell of it. Only you know exactly where your ex's head is at because you've been around him. While this behavior is repulsive, it may be no indication at all that he has any gay or perverted tendencies. That determination must be made by your long term observations of him and some psychological evaluation.

 

It sounds like you won't get past this one and I can understand that. It's something that's pretty hard to get out of your head. But I just want to tell you that if you intend on continuing to relate to fellow human beings on any level, you've got to understand that they are capable of many curious behaviors...they are HUMAN...and they make mistakes...and often what they do is no indication of who they are or how they feel. Call them brain farts if you will.

 

The introduction of computers into the mainstream of life in the last six or seven years has added a whole new dimension to the social structure of our world. We can get a lot more information about a person off the hard drive than from almost anywhere in history. People like yourself discover shxt about their partners every single day and it's sad. But a lot of that information is not what it appears to be...just like a lot of what people say is not what it sounds like. You have to pay attention, be flexible, and evaluate all data on the basis of the total picture.

 

If he thinks he doesn't have a problem, why would he agree to go to a therapist? You are the one who has the problem with his behavior and YOU might require some counselling to get beyond this.

 

If you want to be in future relationships successfully, I hope you will try to learn to forget and forgive as best you can when appropriate. There are no perfect people. And your dream man, the man you love more than anybody in the entire world, may have secrets you will never know.

Live with it.

 

In your particular case, it sounds like you might be better off away from this man. And next time, pick a guy who doesn't come from such a screwed up family background.

 

Good luck to you. You sound like a very sweet lady!

[steffany]

I don't think it's such a big deal. Your bf is obviously a sexual person and maybe isn't comfortable with his sexuality and has tried to hide it from you by exploring and opening up to his sexual side on the computer. Many people are made to feel ashamed of their sexuality at young ages so try and keep things about themselves sexually a secret from those they love. It's kind of a shame thing. My ex was raised in a very "the american dream" kinda way and was always hiding things that had anything to do about sex from me. Finally I decided to take control and show him a sexual side of me he had never seen before. And I must say it opened up a door for us to share more about ourselves we tried to keep from eachother. It made us much closer. I don't think looking at gay porn or bisexual porn or chatting with anyone who is makes your boyfriend gay or anything bad. I think maybe you should share this exploration he is interested in. If you plan on being with him because you love him there are going to be things that happen in life and all you can do is either be there for eachother or find someone you will be there for. I think it is only human to explore sexuality.

[witchbreed]

First of all, I think you are both young and therefore I guess that this is your first steady and stable relationsship. I dont know if one or both of you was experienced before this rl.

 

I will assume that you both were not, or at the least not very much. Young people of both sexes need to find their own sexuality. Now if you love each other and dont want to split and/or cheat, porn and sex-chats might be a way to find your own sexuality.

 

By nature both sexes have a slight interest in the same sex, a bit of bisexuality. In our culture this is mostly suppressed by the males. Might be that anal sex is a taboo in our culture too.

 

Him having an interest in bi-sex, does not mean he really wants to do anything for real. I am sure you yourself have had fantasies you would never ever really want to experience. When I was a a young teenager I had this fantasy about stripping and loads of men cheering me on and desiring me. It was OK as a fantasy, but I would never have done it in real life and I am 40 now.

 

So dont read too much into it.

 

That he wants to go to counseling is good, specially since you state that he comes out of an unhappy family and your mum thinks that sexual abuse might have been an issue. I would strongly suggest that you yourself go for counseling too. It is very hard to deal with these kinds of issues as a partner too. One of my best friends has been sexually abused by her brother, she went to counseling in her mid 30ies and her husband joint a self-help group for partners of sexualy abused people. You will need help there too, for yourself mainly, so you can cope with the ups snd downs he will go through, but to be able to help him too.

 

You might feel better about his sexual explorations on the net, if you do it together. I guess there is things you have wondered about - things you might never want to do in real life and you could explore them together. Then you would not feel left out and I guess less scared of loosing him.

 

If this sexual explorations turn you off on the other hand, there would be no sense in forcing yourself to that. If you are open minded you will come to an agreement, how much virtual exploration on his part you can deal with, without feeling threatened.

 

Best of luck.