help with husband needed

[bhapie]

I was wondering if someone would like to read this and let me know whatI should do. My husband and I of two years don't really have anything in common. He doesn't like to go out when he gets home from work, so most times when he does go out, he lets me know he would rather be at home. We have two year old and I wouldn't leave him because of her, but what should I do to try and fix this and make him more happy??

[HokeyReligions]

Why doesn't he like to go out after work? Have you talked to him and told him that it's important for you two to go out together sometimes? What does he do when he comes home from work? Is this on nights when he has to go to work the next day? (I can't go out after work during the week--it screws up my whole sleeping pattern that night and makes it very difficult for me to get up the next morning. I need my routine!) What you need to do depends on lots of variables.

[bhapie]

My husband gets home at 3:30 in the afternoon. Sometimes all that I would like to do is go to the mall, or go for a walk. Unless he has his motorcycle between his legs, he isn't happy doing anything. He hates shopping so I always go out alone, and end up bringing home an outfit he doesn't like. He just seems very unhappy. And I feel as though its all my fault that he feels this way. He never wanted to get married or have kids. And now he has both, and I think he felt like he had to marry me sooner then we had planned. I was pregnant when we got married, a year sooner then we planned. I think he likes his freedom to much and still hasn't gotten used to being a dad and a husband. He thinks it was easier being a boyfriend who could break plans to hang out with friends. We aren't that young, well he isn't anyways. He's 23 and I'm almost 21. Should I just give him some space?

[sheeba]

wow-to me you guys are young-so remember this snippet of advice comes from someone old enough to be yer mum

 

first of all i think you are taking way too much responsibility for "his" happiness. yes-i understand wanting your husband to me happy-and i like a happy hubby too. however, i get this feeling thats you think its your TOTAL responsibility to make sure he's happy-and its not.

 

also-something here sounds contradictory-you say he doesn't like going out after work-but then another sentence i read had him single once, breaking plans to go out with friends on whim.

 

it sounds like he is in his man cave-possibily adjusting (and yes i think it takes guys longer) to married life.

 

the best possible idea i have is just sit him down. flat out ask him if its going places he minds-or if its going places with YOU. you might be surprised.

 

and on an end note-i don't think people should ever stay together because of their children. i am a child of divorce-and our lives were much more peaceful and healthy with two parents that were happy apart than miserable together. i am also remarried. my children are thriving now that they are not in a household with constant bickering and tension. sometimes people say "i shouldn't leave-because of the children." i personally think sometimetimes the best move IS leaving-FOR the children.

 

JMHO.

 

((hugs))

 

sheebs

[witchbreed]

I agree with the above reply.

 

Lots of men hate shopping, but he might like going for a ride and a drink with you. Men do take longer to adapt to married life in my experience too.

 

Try to find out something you both really like doing together and give him space to do something on his own, men need some purely male company from time to time and do something you really like on your own or with your girlfriends.

 

To stay just for the sake of kids, is not a good option. I have split form the father of my kids and we are all better of this way. We were able to split on good terms, which is important for the kids - as they will always love both parents. If you stay too long in an unhappy relationsship chances are, that you will split on bad terms later on.

 

In my eyes you both are very young to be married and have kids, but thats partly a cultural thing. I am Swiss and over here, the avarage age for a woman to have her first child is 26. We tend to first learn a profession and work a couple years before settling down and I believe this to be better.

 

And I agree too, that its not your sole responsiblity that you and your hubby are happy. Its a shared responsibility. If you really want to solve the issues, try talking first, not accusing him, but telling him how things make you feel. A second step might be counseling.

 

Wish you luck.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I've been married for awhile, and I can say this: you're expecting a lot from someone you've only been married to for 2 years. If you moved from where you lived to let's say India, do you expect to immediately adjust to your surroundings? Of course not. It's going to take time. Maybe years. The same is true of your married. Your boyfriend (I'm assuming) has never been a husband before, and you have never been a wife before. There's alot to adjust to from being officially single to be wedded. Nobody just automatically go into wife and husband mode. Those roles have to be learned over time. So your husband being in the "single state of mind" is not uncommon at all.

 

As far as shopping goes, the majority of men do not like going shopping or going to the mall for that matter. And you can definitely hang up going out for a walk. What you need to do is first, ask your husband if he's happy, and ask him there's anything that would make him happier. Second, if you want to spend time with him, you have to find out what it is he likes to do, and do it. What you like to do may not be what he likes to do. I'm not saying that you should only do things that he likes. But if you both start someone where, preferably with what he likes to do, eventually you can get into things you like to do.