Need some advice

[ET]

I stumbled onto this website while looking for help to repair my relationship so let me tell my story now.

 

My gf and I have been going out for 3 and a half years now and we have been completely in love with each other and have always promised to be together. However for the last 6 or so months I have not given her as much attention as I should have and in turn she has felt ignored. In this time she has grown close to one of her friend's guy friends and has told me that she has feelings for him and he has told her that he has feelings for her. I have realized (too late which I hate) that I have taken our relationship for granted and that I want to ( and I have taken steps) to change it so that she is more of a factor in my life. She has told me that she has no intentions of dating this guy and that they are just friends, and I know she is not the type of girl that would cheat- as she has been cheated on before and knows the feeling of hurt. I have professed my love to her but I feel like I am pressuring her too much to return to me and she keeps telling me that she loves me so much but she is so confused right now. Today we agreed that I would stay with her bro for a few days to reevalute our love and let her have time to think. I guess my question is- what can I do to prove my love and show her that I see the error of my ways? Also, is this "break" for a couple days really a good way to fix things or is it just a precusor to the end? She has told me that she thinks this break will help us out- but I am so worried and I need other people's opinion on this situation. I really love this girl with all my heart and I need some advice- Thank you!

 

P.S During this break, how should I let her know that I am thinking of her but not pushing myself on her too much

[Tony T]

It happens all the time. We take people for granted and when they've had enough they leave. Your biggest problem will be convincing her that any changes you make will be permanent. Most people who make such changes go back to their old selves within a period of time.

 

Right now, it will be even tougher because she has gained a fondness for another guy who apparently she feels gives her what you didn't.

 

You have made it very clear that you have changed, that you love her, and you want the "new" you to try to give it another chance. If you go overboard, you will annoy her and alienate her. Just be yourself, be cool and act like you are concerned about HER happiness. Let her make any move towards reconcilation if that's what she decided. But you have to understand she is VERY hurt and not very happy with you at this time.

 

If ultimately she wants to leave you and see if she can be happier with someone else, chalk the experience to a lesson learned the hard way and don't make the mistake again.

 

The most fatal event in any relationship is when one of the parties takes the other for granted. If that happens, it's only a matter of time before the neglected party is out of there.

 

Don't push this thing. Let whatever will happen happen. During this break, call her only once and be brief. Let her know you still love her, that you understand what you did, and that you are a new man. Make the call brief...show concern for her....keep the conversation on her and how she's been and then hang up. Just ONE call. She needs to forget a LOT of stuff before she will come back to you and contact from you will only bring it to mind.

[ET]

Thank you for your fast reply during this tough moment in my relationship.

 

I know that she loves me and she keeps telling me this everyday-I know that I have hurt her very deep and as all partners want to do- the want to be the "band-aid" and fix all the problems. I will remain optimistic and take your advice Tony- I feel that you hit the nail right on the head.

 

If anyone else has any opinions on the situation I would love to hear them. Hearing past experiences of other people will give me insight and guidance.

[ET]

Just to give an update- We did end up breaking up in the end . She said that she couldn't keep me waiting like this and that she just felt that the "connection" was lost. We both agree that if we are really meant to be then we will find our way back to each other. We still talk everyday and go out-but now comes my question. I still really want to be with her more than anything and I am truly in love with her- is there really any technique to winning a partner back? I would appreciate advice from people who have gone through this and gotten a second chance. Thanks again!

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]

ET,

 

I understand your pain. I am sorry to hear that she ultimately decided that you guys should break up. Maybe the space will help to repair your relationship. It could go either way. The fact that you guys still talk everyday and hang out, is a good sign. You both haven't yet cut the cord entirely.

 

There is no magic formula to try and win someone back. Like you said, if it is meant to be, you'll find your way back to one another. Have faith in that. In the meantime, just be patient with her and continue to show her love. That is really all you can do. If her heart decides she wants to be with you, then great. If not, then you'll know it wasn't meant to be in the first place and it'll give you motivation to move on and find someone else. At least you'll know never to neglect and take advantage of your next girlfriend.

[/color]

[quankanne]

I'm not sure that "winning her back" right now should be your top priority, no matter how much you miss her or want her. If she senses or feels like something is missing from the relationship, and you've already agreed to break up with her, then do the right thing by giving her the space she needs so that she can come to a decision on her own (to be with you, to be with him, to be alone). If she feels like she's being pressured by unwanted attention -- especially after you've agreed to cool things down -- she will resent it. If she is asking for space, respect her request.

 

In the meantime, you need to reevaluate why she is so important to you, and what things you did to make her feel you were taking her for granted (and vice versa). You'd be amazed how much you'll learn about yourself if you choose to use this time wisely to work on these things. And she -- if she decides to start dating you again at some point -- will be forever grateful that you feel strongly enough about your relationship with her to do this.

 

This is one of those times when it's far more important for someone to let go of the one they love so that person can think things through, than it is to get what you want, even if it means being alone.

[ET]

Thanks for your fast input guys!

 

It really means alot to me during this tough period. It is just very difficult because we have always been together for 3 1/2 yrs and i feel like all those happy times are going to be gone forever. We went to Disneyland for her birthday and we spent the whole day together and had a great time- I did bring up our relationship a couple times and she said that she didn't want to see me sad and she still felt pressured. I bought her a heart necklace and told her that it was a sign of our friendship and of my love for her and she took it.

 

Anyways, You guys gave some really great advice and I am going to use it. It will be tough to be alone but I will continue to be her friend and to send small hints of my love her way just to show I still care. Hopefully as time passes we will be together- as they say "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".

 

P.S- We live together as well and I have been staying and my parents place. I have told her I would move out as fast as I could but she said not to hurry and take my time. I did take some of my things down and packed some of my things. Should I try to move out fast, or just let thing go slowly? My heart tells me that moving fast will let us start the healing process faster but I don't want her to get the impression that I am be insensitive.

[quankanne]

just be open and honest with her, and tell her what you just told us, that you want to be fair by giving your relationship a chance to heal, and that you plan on moving out as quickly as possible (if that's the case), but that you're not in any way trying to be insensitive to her needs. If you guys communicate well overall, she'll understand what you're telling her.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

You really need to ask yourself what's driving you right now: are you really, truly, madly deeply in love, or are you driven by guilt, and you want the relationship to work because you don't want to be the one in the end that let to the failure. We will be surprise sometimes when we sit down and reflect what our true motive for things are.

 

If you've been taken her for granted, it obviously has to be over quite a long period of time for someone you've been with for over 3 years to decide to leave you. What were you so distracted with, and how can you be sure that it won't happen again? Were they circumstances out of control, or was it something that you've just been giving more priority to than her? I'm not saying your situation is hopeless, but in the back of her mind, she probably feels if she gets with you it could happen again.

[ET]

Basically I just wasn't giving her the attention and devotion she needed because I was too distracted by doing things that I wanted to do. I would ignore simple things like giving her a big hug and kiss- even though I did it often I feel and she feels that it wasn't enough.

 

Well, yesterday I called her up and I told her what I felt. I bascially said that this break up will give us both time to discover what we want and if our relationship was meant to be.

 

I told her that I supported her discision about our break-up and that I felt she just needed time to herself to think and she agreed. I told her I would place no pressure on her and that we just need to be friends and to have fun for right now. She said that she was really happy that I was saying that and she is glad that I am doing better. I also told her that if we become better friends and then see our relationship if we get back together will be that much better. She agreed with that too.

 

My feeling and vibe from talking with her is that she just wants to see what life is like apart and to think about things. She seems open to a relationship in the future but is not making promises and I am ok with that for now.

 

All in all she was really happy yesterday when I told her I understood what she was feeling and that I support her and just want us to be friends right now and have fun.

 

Thanks again guys! You have all been great! If you guys have any advice on how I should keep approaching this situation let me know! Like how I can show her that I really want to change?

[ET]

<Update and advice needed>

 

Hey everyone- been awhile since I last posted. Well me and my ex still keep in touch and we go out once or twice a week and talk and hang out. We have been doing this for the last month and each time we go out I say nothing about our relationship. However, when we went out yesterday I noticed that she was down. I asked what was wrong and she said that she was down. I didn't push it further because I didn't want to talk about the past and I just told her that I wanted her to be happy. She then out of nowhere told me that she is backing away from this other guy. I was happy to hear this but I told her to do what makes her happy. She said she told me this to make me happy

 

Anyway when we got back to my place and saying our goodbyes she gave me a really big hug and told me that she does miss me. I told her that I missed her too lots and that I think about her often. She then gave me another hug- this time with a tighter grip. Anyway I don't know how to really take this- is she trying to give me a sign that she still wants to be with me or is she just trying to ease my pain?

 

I should also throw in that she knows that I have been going out way more than I have before and that I have been showing some change. Everytime we have been going out we laugh and have fun as well.

 

Anyway some advice on the situation would be appreciated!

[That guy]

Well, the situation I'm in right now is very similar. My ex of 3 years is casually dating this other guy now. We just broke things off completely about a month ago, but we still talk all the time and hang out as friends. Unfortunatley, I wasn't given the advice that you were, and I ended up pushing to hard to try and get back together, which just made her resent me, and we don't talk nearly as often anymore. It bothers me because she said she could easily see us falling back into a relationship, but that's not something she wants right now. I've backed off alot recently, but I think it might be too late and things are now too broken to fix. What I'm getting at is, even though you might think she's giving you little signals, don't read too deeply into them. She's probably confused, and doesn't know what exactly she wants. She's probably also hesitant to get back into a relationship for fear the same problems will continue to occur. I got this same thing from my ex, because oddly enough, we're still best friends, and not only is she the cause of all my current problems and despair, but she's the only one I really have to talk to about it. So it's pretty weird. Either way, just let things run their course naturally. Don't push it, and just accept it for what it was right now, just a hug. If things progress further that's great, and I'll be really happy for you, just don't get your hopes up too high and make things what they're not, or you're just setting yourself up for disappointment

[BabyIwill]

[color=darkred]What I would be concerned about is, if you do get back together, will she ask for another trial separation. Sometimes real life demands your time and attention, jobs or sickness ect... Will she be understanding and patient? Will you always have to worry that another separation will occure? Patients is part of a relationship, if she isnt mature enough to devolope this quality, maybe she isnt the girl for you.[/color]

[ET]

Thanks for the replies guys! I will take your advice to heart and just play things as they come. Sometimes it is really hard to be alone and not hav her nearby and other times I feel like this is just my time to discover who I am and to do the things I wanted to do (i.e travel etc).

My ex is a really great girl and I can see that she is confused but I can also see that she has moved on more than I have. We haven't been talking as much lately and I do miss hearing about her but I know that she is busy in her life and I respect that.

Anyway thanks for your input guys!