do second chances turn out well ...ever?

[annabelle75]

I am so conflicted. I have a stern "no second chance" policy when it comes to the men I date. To give you a bit of the back story....a few months ago I came here to LS while trying to get over being dumped. I had known the guy for almost two years, although we only dated for a few months. He was 24 and I was 31. I had never dated a guy that was younger than me, but after my divorce he had stepped up and been a friend and was very patient. After a while I finally gave in and gave him a chance.

 

After a few months he suddenly dumped me out of no where. I had no clue it was coming. I later found out he felt discouraged about getting a job where I live in his field (we live in different states) and started feeling to much pressure because for our relationship to progress he would have to move to be near me. That kind of commitment scared him even though I hadn't even brought the subject up. He kind of freaked himself out and then one night while out met some girl who flirted with him and decided that it would be easier to date some one that lived near him. It was brutal and I was devistated.

 

About a month after the break up he (guy #1) started sending me random texts, emails and IMs. Nothing serious but just keeping in touch. With in a few weeks of the break up I had rebounded into dating another guy (guy #2). Guy #1 knew about Guy #2 and so he was very respectful and would ask me how things were going and stuff like that. He kept saying he wanted to be friends again and that he missed me. He even sent me and my daughter a care package with a bunch of hockey memorabilia (my daughter and I are hockey fans). I thought it was sweet and started letting him be my friend again. I also was going to see him when I would be in his town next month for an event and thought it would be good if we were getting along as freinds. Things were going pretty smooth until ........ Guy #2 totally screwed up. Although I was never too serious about him he betrayed me in a big way about 2 weeks ago. Last week I had to end things with him and now I am single again.

 

Once Guy #1 found this out ... WOW! He's on a mission. He keeps calling and telling me how he can't wait to see me and is even talking about the possibility of moving here again. Last night he called me and we ended up on the phone for 5 hours. During the conversation he said soemthing that I keep going back over in my head. I don't know what to make of it if anything. He said, "You may not realize it, but I would do anything you ever asked me to. I may seem to put up a fight occassionally, but that is all for show. I am yours."

 

How can a guy that dumped me a few motnhs ago come back and say that? Its driving me nuts. What does he really want? Should I give him another chance?

 

I keep thinking "hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me for letting you." I told that to one of the girls I worked with and she agreed that if he hurts me again its my fault, but then she asked if I willing to take that risk and accpet the consequences. The reality of the situation is that I am still in love with him and I want nothing more than for us to be together. I'm just scared he'll crush me again. Is it worth the chance of getting hurt again to see if he is "the one"?

[Trialbyfire]

Run like the wind annabelle. There's a reason for the breakup in the first place. Don't let him drag you back into it again, especially with someone so young, biological age or not.

[directx]

Growing up I used to watch that cartoon He-Man And The Masters Of The Universe. And the end of each episode, he would make some speech about the moral of the story you have just watched. I remember only one: One where he says 'Everyone deserves a second chance.'

 

Thats the worst advice ever, at least in my experience in life.

 

I wish He-Man/Prince Adam said 'It's up to the offender to earn themselves a second chance. Not up to the victim to offer one.'

 

I am not a big fan of second chances.

[annabelle75]

Growing up I used to watch that cartoon He-Man And The Masters Of The Universe. And the end of each episode, he would make some speech about the moral of the story you have just watched. I remember only one: One where he says 'Everyone deserves a second chance.'

 

Thats the worst advice ever, at least in my experience in life.

 

I wish He-Man/Prince Adam said 'It's up to the offender to earn themselves a second chance. Not up to the victim to offer one.'

 

I am not a big fan of second chances.

 

How can I argue with that? I'm a sucker for refrences to cheesey 80s cartoons.

 

So ..... how do I know if he's "earmed it"?

[bish]

I wished I had a no 2nd chance policy long ago...but I sure do now.

 

I don't believe in 2nd chances when it comes to giving a cheater one.

never again will I EVER give a cheater a 2nd chance. And when my boys grow up and I have "the talk" with them....I will tell them if a girl/woman cheats on you...even so much as a kiss....DUMP HER flat! Or they will regret it.

 

I will also tell them to never get involved with someone who is married. That is just asking for trouble right there.

[Chief149]

I would give a second cahnce to him. I have been broke up for 2 months now from my gf, and I know I screwed up, and have learned from my mistakes. NO CHEATING, it was just dumb things said. So yes I would give him another shot, as i am hoping for one.

 

If you still have feelings for hime then go for it>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Hi annabelle!

 

You see, I differ, I do believe in second chances (in some circumstances anyway). If there hasn't been hurt to the point where one party will suffer by letting the other party back into their life, then I think there is a foundation to build on.

 

I've made mistakes in the past, some second chances haven't worked out and some have. But I'm glad I didnt live my life retrospectively thinking "What if I'd given a second chance?".

 

But people do have to work at a second chance. I would say that he needs to offer you a full explanation of what happened in your R (if he hasnt already) so you can both move on from the first instance. Then he needs to show you in actions that he isnt in that mindset anymore and, hey, maybe, test him a little - if he says he'll do anything for you, ask him and see how he does it.

 

If it doesnt work out, you risk pain. But what doesnt risk pain in life?

[annabelle75]

Hi annabelle!

 

You see, I differ, I do believe in second chances (in some circumstances anyway). If there hasn't been hurt to the point where one party will suffer by letting the other party back into their life, then I think there is a foundation to build on.

 

I've made mistakes in the past, some second chances haven't worked out and some have. But I'm glad I didnt live my life retrospectively thinking "What if I'd given a second chance?".

 

But people do have to work at a second chance. I would say that he needs to offer you a full explanation of what happened in your R (if he hasnt already) so you can both move on from the first instance. Then he needs to show you in actions that he isnt in that mindset anymore and, hey, maybe, test him a little - if he says he'll do anything for you, ask him and see how he does it.

 

If it doesnt work out, you risk pain. But what doesnt risk pain in life?

 

That's what I am afraid of. What if he is really serious and it really might work out this time and I just blow him off becasue I am afraid of getting hurt. It would all be so much easier if I wasn't still inl ove with him.

 

I have to admit that since he said that I have been kind of messing with him. I told him he should start wearing boxer briefs (he was a tighty whitey guy) and then when he bought them this weekend I told him he needed to prove it. He then modeled them for me via webcam. Watching him dance around in his underwear was an amusing treat. Can't say he isn't trying.

[annabelle75]

Ok .... just had an email conversation with him about the trip I'll be seeing him on next month. I told him I would be staying in a different part of town because I was trying to save money since I just recently moved. He then suddenly forwarded me a confirmation from the hotel the event is being held and said he would pay for the room. He also sent me a menu to a very famous restaurant in one of the nicer resorts and asked if it was alright if he made reservations there so he could take me to dinner there for my birthday one night.

 

So ......... he's really trying now. I'm not use to guys being like this. I can't say he's not making an effort now ........ hmmmmmmmmm

[LikeNoOther]

I think that is very nice of him and he is trying... maybe a second chance would be good. If things don't work out the second time, then whatever you went through now would be good memories and yes, you'd feel hurt but if you didn't give him a second chance - you wouldn't know what is in store.

 

My boyfriend gave me a second chance (I can be very difficult at times and just want things my way!!) and so far, everything is going great. If he didn't give me a second chance, I would be very miserable right now!

[ahah2322]

i believe in no second chance when it comes to cheating. however, if the problem is fear of committment, geographical proximity, et cetera then i think a second chance may be worth a shot if you still have feelings for him.

 

good luck!

[madgun68]

I guess maybe the best way to answer your question is to ask of yourself..

 

Was there enough potential present the first time around for it to have worked out?

Has anything changed to prevent the previous reason for the breakup to re-occur?

Are you willing to risk placing your heart on the line to find out?

 

If you aren't sure things can't work between you two, I say why not? Don't let the fear of your heart being broken again be the ruling factor.. We place that on the line with each and every relationship we enter.