how do you overcome negative feelings towards hubby?

[jamieileana]

i am feeling really sad about this newly learned observation.

we have been together for five years now and it has been good but at times we've had our share of fights.

 

those fights left me with very hurt feelings from very stinging words from my SO.

 

we are common law married so i call him my husband but just to clarify we are not married by a church.

 

anyway, when he wants to be intimate i find myself always holding back and not really allowing myself to let go with him anymore.

 

at first i thought it was menopause causing these feelings but after extensive talks with my dr., and her basically telling me that desire is more or less visual, auditory and feelings towards that person.

 

i have come away with a different perspective on things regarding my sexual feelings towards him.

 

i have very carefully been observing my reactions to him through out the day and night as well.

 

what i have come up with is that it takes a good 3-5 days of him treating me respectively, being on an even mood level, not getting impatient with me, not saying negative things about people i know and care about.

 

then maybe i can come to him from my heart and want to actually make love with hm.

 

unfortunately this is not the case and i can't but wonder if unconsciously i am withholding sex from hm as a punishment but consciously i dont feel that i am.

 

things can be rolling along oh so smoothy and i can be feeling romantic towards him and it just takes one little word, and i mean literally one little word or tone and the whole thing will fly right out the window and i am back to square one again.

 

am i just too sensitive? i don't know what to do to overcome this.

i am really missing the intimacy we use to share and not having it makes me feel more distant from hm, more like a brother or roommate situation.

 

any ideas on this? please help, cause i am so tired of going on like this and my dr. offered no real solutions to it either.

 

thank you in advance.

one thing that i have not and do not worry about is him cheating on me because of this. i fully trust him in that area.

[Dragonflys]

You cannot deny your own feelings. You lose your secual desire when he speaks in a way that puts you down. You body desires for you be loved before you can give love.

It sounds like he says some really harsh things, and he puts a negative spin on what you say, or the situation when the moment needs a more romantic setting.

I think the only way out is if you communicate clearly the problem. I've been through a mild case of this where I would put a negative spin on a topic (not maliciously, but a dry sense of humour), and I learned it's not suitable in some settings. He may be complately unaware that he is doing it too. If you have already gone through this, you probably need to go through counselling with him, or re-evealuate whether you married a man that is really for you.

 

I don't think you are oversensitive.

 

Oliver

[Tony T]

If you are in menopause at this time and the chemicals are transitioning, this could certainly play a significant role.

 

However, it is absolutely understandable that you would be very reluctant to want to make love to someone who has repeatedly hurt you. BUT, YOU have to take responsiblity here. YOU are the one who chose to have him be your husband. YOU need to resolve issues on a continuing basis by communicating with him. If he is just a plain bastard and doesn't care how you feel, you need to dump his butt...and do it fast.

 

If he'll listen to you and take your feelings into consideration, he will get a lot farther with you in the sex department...and you have to let him know that. If he doesn't understand that, you may be condemned to a life of hurt. He doesn't sound like a very happy person. If he was happy and had a healthy level of self esteem, he wouldn't be cutting you down all the time and saying things that are hurtful to you.

 

But don't feel bad about your reluctance to make love with him. It sounds like he has emotionally battered you in the past, numerous times, and that kind of stuff is very hard to get past. I think you're lucky if you feel like you want to be with him at all at anytime. He sounds like a real jerk and somebody most women wouldn't want to be near.

 

Tell him I said he's lucky if you desire to have sex with him once a year. Also tell him I said to grow up. Meanwhile, I hope you will consider finding yourself a man who will be kinder to you. Life is so very short.