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[sandi202120]

Has anyone ever been through a situation similar to mine? I met my husband when I was 16 and got married at 18. We had our first child when I was 21. He was my life. I had what I thought was a good marriage. The only problem I thought we had was that I felt like I did everything. To be honest he took out the trash. Thats it. I didnt complain because I really loved him. When I was 25 he had a affair with someone I thought was my friend. He denied she denied. When he couldnt deny anymore he begged me to take him back. This is when I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. The stress and traumatic few months is probably what brought the disease out. I never told him that. It was so hard to deal with. My life changed but he was good to me. He gave me my shots. He rode the MS bike a thons. He didnt help me with anything in the home though. I didnt complain. I needed his love. He started to be a much better father.He started coaching her soccer team at 5 which he does till this day. Our daughter is 15 now. I had to stop working. Stress really aggravates the disease. I cope very well but its hard. (thats a whole different story)Two years after that afair he had another won. I didnt know about it until I got a call from a lady asking for him because her daughter was going to have his baby any day. I couldnt think. I started to wonder when he had time. He worked overtime but his check showed that. The only time he was gone overnight was one time. He was supposed to be fishing with friends. He denied and denied. The girl called me and I needed the truth. There song was the same as ours was. She said she did not know I existed until the last month of her pregnancy. She moved to West Virginia and her mother helped her track my husband down. He did not admit until ten minutes before we were to leave for a lie detector test appointment. Once again I let him convince me that he would never do again. I hid the affair and the baby from everyone and dealt with myself. I didnt want anyone to not like him. See everyone liked my husband. They respected him. He was involved in church. Never missed a service. But two years later I suspected he was having another affair. I knew the signs. I hired a private detective and went to a lawyer. He signed seperation papers pretty much giving me everything. I sold our house and moved. I knew that this time I had to tell anyone who asked becaused everyone thought he was so great and how could I not want to be married to him. This was a wakeup call he said. He asked me to go to counseling and once again he talked me into it. I said only if its with our pastor at our church. I do admit that took alot because our pastor cut him no slack. He even gave a testimony in front of the whole church. I just knew he would never do this again. Things were great. That brings me to last year. He all of a sudden wasnt going to church as much. He is lying alot and people who liked him now dont trust him. He lies about little things. The teenagers think he is so great. He starts to treat my daughter and me as if we were sisters. He does not back me up as a parent. Every weekend 10 or more teens spend the night so they can get a ride to the soccer game. I have no say so. He gets a DUI and got a restricted license but he does not follow. I am told to keep my mouth shut. I dont like it. Than he starts working till 2 or 3 in the morning and gets up to go to work at 7 and its everyday even weekends. The only time I really see him is during the soccer games. He leaves right after to "go to work". The MS is getting bad and I just cant prove he isnt working. He has lots of overtime but he wont let me see his pay stubs so I cant prove it. He sleeps with his cell under his pillow. He wouldnt let me send out Christmas cards to his work and said they were not having a Christmas party. He doesnt ever want to have sex. I know what is going on but I cant prove it. My daughter is really disrespectful and seems to not like me at all. Than after a year of this my daughter loses 12 pounds in less than a month. I took her to drs and they said she IBS. One day after school I see a note sticking out of my daughters purse. It was a letter her and a friend were passing back and forth. SHe told her friend that she had a baby sister due in April and that her and her dad would be moving out next week. She told her friend to not be mad at her dad cause u know how my mom is. The childs name was going to be Elizabeth. The girlfriends name was Amy. She was my friend and I thought I was going to pass out. She also worked with my husband. I called her up and ask her if she was sleeping with my husband and if she was pregant. She says who is this? I told her and she hung the phone up on me. I called my husband and he says he told my daughter that to teach me a lesson. Later he says he told her it was a rumor. I got on to his email and found letters they wrote to each other. He says this girl set him up. See Amy was married too. I even wrote her a email explaining how I found out and that if it wasnt true I was sorry. Wow She wrote me a long email trashing me and denying it. Its Feb now. He isnt working as late but still its like 8 or 9 pm before he gets home. He makes me feel like I am crazy. He keeps telling me its not true. Hes angry all the time. He still isnt backing me up as a parent. Too make a long story a little shorter he became abusive. He kicked me so hard he broke my ribs. I filed a warrant. He hit me in my face with my hand and I couldnt make him stop. Of course he says I hit myself. I called cops. My daughter told the cops he didnt hit me. She does not want her dad to get in trouble. I find out that my daughter and his girlfriend for the last 6 months were text messaging each other and it was 20 -30 times a day. I took a protective order out on him after he tried to choke me. My daughter is so mad at me and he is still trying to tell me it isnt true. I got a tracker for his truck and well he says he is not there he left his truck at the shop. She must have stole it. He says it better be at the shop when he gets back there. He said he had to drive a different vehicle cause his truck didnt have a ladder. I had the protective order downgraded to a non hostile order so that it was easier for my daughter and so that she could still play soccer and I could be there to watch her games. I cut off the relationship she was having with the other woman. She swears she knew nothing about the relationship or that she was pregnant until her dad told her. I went to a lawyer. We went to court and because he did not stop his direct deposit and because my daughter stated she got along better with her dad the jusdge said to leave everything the same until school was out and that I had to improve my relationship with my daughter and my husband had to find a different place to live. Weird he is still denying it. He sent me text messages everyday that he loved me so much. I seen him rarely. He pretty much started to just have a text message relationship with her dad. He signed the seperation papers I had drawn up. This was done at a bank by a notary. He denies signing them though. Because of the court system and his lawyer we dont go to court for another month. After he signed the papers in June I havent seen him. He became hateful and said I was only about money. He hides his truck behind schools and churches to be with his girlfriend. They still deny. He tells my daughter it isnt true. I thought my daughter was going to soccer camp. He said it was last minute and his company would pay the 500.00 for her to go. He wouldnt give me any information on camp. He manipulated me into letting him take her. I find out weeks later by accident that he took 3 teenagers camping to the campground we went to every year for 15 years. It was the week of our anniversary also. He left them teens at a campground in another state for a day. he told my daughter he was coming back to see me cause it was our anniversary. I didnt see him. I cant believe he talked my daughter into lying. She said it was eating her up but she never gets to see him anymore. She misses him. Even though I have seen the pictures of the trip he is still denying. He lies about everything. I cant have kids but yet he got a vasectomy. I seen the medical information. But he says its not true. He has a apartment but says its not true. He says its not his baby. The rare occasions he gets our daughter she sleeps on the floor in a office because he says he has to monitor a air conditioner all night. He signed the papers and he does not have to hide anything. My daughter and I are getting closer. EXcept when it comes to her dad. He has trashed me to her and tells her all I do is file warrants. I could have flled alot more than the two I did. She feels replaced by the new baby that he still denies. Everyone knows though. He doesnt our daughter that much at all. He had her subpeoned to court to say that he didnt kick me and break my ribs. What??!! She says mom I love you but I dont want my dad in jail. If he is in jail we wont get any money and wont have anything. I have to lie for him. That is so sad to me. She isnt as close to him anymore and she makes sure every chance she gets to inform me that he hates me. He tells her he doesnt call because I will pick up the phone. I have never done that. Its an excuse. Last week I got arrested. For the first time in over a year I did something for me. I went to a birthday party. My daughter was getting picked up to go to a friends house to stay the night. I had no idea that while I was at the party my daughter was on computer saying I was hitting her to get her boyfriend to call cause he was ignoring her. She went to spend the night out. One of her friends very concerned told her mother who called police. I got home from the party and police came and arrested me. My daughter told police I hit her cause she didnt want to look like a liar. She begged police to not do anything. When she found out I was arrested she was so upset. My daughter needs help. I had her in counseling but she hated it. She manipulates me and if I punish her for doing anything wrong my husband will trash me for hours. One time he came over and said he would make sure I payed and he put bruised on my neck. I feel like Im in a Jerry Springer show and cant get out. I dont want him back I just dont want him to make my daughter lie. My daughter says he has a shirt that says I rather be happy than live with a psyco. Cps comes tommorrow and THank God I bought this program that emails me everything my daughter does on computer. Even though shes admitting I didnt hit her that proof helps me too. Even tonite he sends me a text that said he loved me. My meds are expensive and I do need him not to be in jail but the abuse is killing me. I dont have any control over my daughter because she is lying so much. I love my daughter and I dont want her to have a bad life and lie like him. She is so believable like he is too. Shes a strait A student and a star athlete so who wouldnt believe her. I am beaten down. Im hoping that I can get control. I tried to send my daughter to her room today and after 26 times I gave up. I need the control back. I have her cell phone though. I did take that. I know this is long but someone please tell me Im not crazy. He says he is not cheating and that my actions is why he wont talk to me or work with me. He has not followed the seperation agreement at all. I just dont see why I have to wait another month to get into court. I cant even take him off my checking account. Wow I did it I told my story and trust me I left alot of things out for sake of time. Alot of people still seem to think my husband is such a great guy. I dont feel I have to defend myself to people. Or should I especially to the mother who called the police.

[Melovator]

There is actually a name for what's happening to you, it's called parental or maternal alienation, or at least that's what they call it down here. See handy link for run down:

http://www.whs.sa.gov.au/pub/Maternal_Alienation_Fact_S.pdf

 

I would strongly suggest getting in contact with your nearest domestic violence helpline or shelter to talk to someone about all that has happened with someone who can really appreciate what you are going through. Are you able to seek assistance with medication through your local MS Society? Or do they have a helpline that you can talk to?

 

Seriously, this guy is a criminal and he's getting away with criminal behaviour. I have personally seen how perpetrators of this kind of abuse can fool child protection authorities and police for years!

 

You obviously have some incidents reported but are you keeping a diary? Who have you told about the abuse, not just the cheating? Tell your doctor, your lawyer, your religous advisor.

 

Your daughter, from what you've written, is also being emotionally abusive. Please see the below link.

http://www.wire.org.au/womens_info/violence/adolescents_violence.pdf

 

This is an organisation that I'm pretty sure would have some kind of counterpart in the US (because it started there!):

http://www.toughlove.org.au/

 

(Sorry these are aussie references because they are the one's I'm familiar with. Also these handouts are from women's services and are designed for use with female clients- hence the use of she, her etc. for any guys reading.)

 

Please get some support for you and your daughter you have both been traumatised and will continue to be traumatised by this situation as long as you have to be in contact with this man.