Read between these lines...

[guenniverre]

(Just so you all know, I have a boyfriend)

 

But I have a best friend too, who is a guy....

 

Yep, I am sure I am starting off typical, and when all is said and done, this story is the same as the rest but I am desperately seeking advice.

 

Been with my BF for about 3 years. He hardly notices I am alive sometimes. He will even call me on my cell WHEN WE ARE IN THE SAME HOUSE asking me where I am, because he doesnt even know I am there!!??!

 

Yep. So he doesnt notice me until I am gone for a long period of time, and then he is mad because I am not at home. I have tried to talk to him for ages about his lack of connection with me, but it does no good. No matter which way I deliver the message, the end result is complete ignorance. He says he loves me, but doesnt even kiss me goodnite. Just plops down and passes out. Or fights with me for about 5 minutes about why he cant possibly lean over and give me a peck. Then he rolls over and falls into a deep sleep. In case that last bit of info blew some of you away, Yes, I am serious.

 

Just to give you a brief overview, I am not "allowed" to have friends, of either sex. Allowed meaning that I can, as long as he doesnt know about them, because when he does know about them, he makes my life pure hell until my friendships die out. It is difficult to maintain a friendship when my BF monopolizes all of my time, and turns into a phone commander, screeching at me regardless of who is on the phone until I hang up with them. Then he will follow me around and harp on me about talking on the phone so much until I have to sneak around to just use it. Then when I get caught sneaking around, it makes me look like I have something to hide, which makes him become so angry, he is trying to rip the phone out of my hand.

 

Did I mention that he has many many friends of both sexes? That he talks to and sees AND VISITS on a regular basis?

 

It gets worse, but I guess you guys can fill in the blanks with average run of the mill scenes.

 

The bottom line is yes, I love him. He has been very good for me, and I have learned alot from him. He has been the only stable thing I have had in my life. If it werent for him, I would have been in more than a thousand sticky situations, and in at least half as much trouble.

 

Not even halfway through, and already a novel, huh?

 

Bear with me.

 

Now I am not accustomed to maintaining deep and solid friendships, but for some reason I have with my best friend. I have known him for a year and a half, but recently he has come back in town again, and wants to hang out every single day. I cant, he knows I have a boyfriend, but that doesnt stop him from creating situations in which we have to hang out.

 

Yep. He plays on my heartstrings, and I am guilted into going to help him out with one thing or another, but in the end, I am always awfully glad I have went.

 

I enjoy my time with him immensely, as he is so close to the very core of who I am. He is wild, reckless, a true free spirit, chaotic, passionate, magnetic. We share alot of uncommon interests. When I am with him, I feel centered and restored, and not as uptight as I was before I visited. I feel normal and carefree again. More like me.

 

I have to sneak around to see him. It makes me feel like we are lovers, and if my BF knew, he would NEVER understand. And he would DEFINATELY break up with me, even though I have excused his many many injustices he has commited against me.

 

Anyhow, I could go on for pages, so let me explain the root of this real quick.

 

My best friend thinks I am living a total lie, and that my life with my boyfriend is a lie. He doesnt think I belong with him. He thinks my BF wants a slave or a mother, but not a GF. He thinks I am being used and taken advantage of.

 

Lately, my best friend is getting out of control, and so angry....He wont listen when I tell him that I have to get off the phone before I get caught. He will call continuously, and pick fights with me. He becomes moody and sullen and withdrawn. He is constantly creating situations which put us together, even though he knows I am risking getting caught by BF.

 

Sometimes, my best friend happens to bump into me while in town with my BF. They dont know each other, and during this time, I ignore him, and he ignores me. But he is quick to point out to whoever will listen (usually friends of his who work at the local store we are at) about what an azzhole my BF is, and how I dont belong with him at all. His friends then know we know each other, and it just looks awkward, like my best friend is an undercover lover or something because we dont converse and completely ignore each other while in public .

 

I am worried that people will say that we are an item, and that I am cheating on my boyfriend with him, and that it will eventually get back to my BF.

 

Help me with this, please. Tell me what you all see in this situation, so that I may become less confused and more aware of what is happening with me and my life. Lend me your insight.

 

Thank you.

[love necessity]

Why hide?

It's your life, not your bf's.

If he's going to tell you who you can and can't hang out with, then he is not worth your time.

I know how you feel when you say you're stable and your bf's has shown you a lot in life.

 

I'm going off subject here a little.

I am in the same situation as you, but my bf and I are in love and he doesn't control me and he completely has trust in me.

Sometimes I sit back and I wonder what I would do if anything ever happened between us, because I feel that w/o him, I would have nothing.

But, then when I start thinking about it further, he needs me, just as much as I need him.

He's no better than I and I him.

So, I can def. relate to your circumstances.

 

Friends

Don't let him control who you befriend.

Your relationships with your friends is none of his business, and if he doesn't trust you with your friends, then he is not worth your time.

Maybe your right about sneaking around? I think your sneaking around will make your bf suspect odd things, even though what you have with your best friend is completely innocent. If I found out my bf had a friend that he was hiding behind back, red flags would go up immediately.

Controlling issues

You shouldn't let anyone control you, because you only have one life and it is yours. Don't ever let anyone take that away from you. You live your life to the fullest and in the way you see fit. Don't ever let anyone stop you from fulfilling your needs and wants. If you keep living the way you are right now, you'll never be happy, and you'll regret so much later on in life. If your bf controls you now and you keep letting him, he will control you forever.

"STAND UP FOR YOURSELF"

I know it can be hard, but you have it in you to stand up for what you believe in. You need to do that with your bf. I know you love him, and want to make him happy, but make yourself happy first. If you're not happy w/in, you will never make anyone else happy. Tell your bf that he needs to stop being so controlling over your life. Give him and ultimatum. That's all you can do. If he doesn't change, then leave him to find yourself without him. Turn to your bf, it seems like he is a great guy whom you share a lot of interest with.

 

I hope this helped you, I completely understand where you're coming from, lt me know if you need any further help...GOOD LUCK!!

[LakesideDream]

What's to wonder about? "Friend" wants to be "Boy Friend".

 

Current Boy Friend is just that, an immature boy. He is afraid of losing girl. Limits contact between girl and the world. Wants to be the only thing in girls world. These are unrealistic expectations.

 

Girl is also immature, with low self worth, afraid to face the world without current boy friend, or solid gaurentee's from "friend".

 

Solution? Maturity. Each need to take the time to work on themselves and become emotionally functioning adults. Neither is mature enough for a long term comitted relationship.

[guenniverre]

sigh. Why is it that every time a girl is in a relationship and she doesnt leave for whatever reason, someone always has to say that its because she is afraid to be alone?

 

I appreciate that in some cases, that may be true. But in mine, it just isnt.

 

I dont mind being alone. I have been alone before. Fear of being alone has never motivated me to stay stuck in a crappy relationship.

 

Afraid to face the world doesnt accurately portray me, even if my words somehow come across as that.

 

Shouldnt it show at least a little tiny bit of maturity if I am coming here, admitting there is a problem somewhere, and asking for help on identifying it so that way I can solve it?

 

What's to wonder about? "Friend" wants to be "Boy Friend".

 

What propelled you to say that?

 

LakesideDream, thank you for your insight and time on this.

love necessity, very well thought out, and I appreciate your points.

[LakesideDream]

Taking what you say at face value. I suggest (for the first time) that you "take a break" from both "boys".

 

Go take a months vacation with your parents, or go see friends in far away places. Arrainge for No Contact with both before you leave.

 

You will probably figure out what your priorities are when you are away from both infulences.

 

You are young. Be youthful. This is an awful lot of drama that usually leads to no good.

[rockerdude]

Do some soul searching.

Decide that security is not worth being with someone...where it is not love.

He isn't "really" loving you, if a man is in love he "never" gets tired of kissing "his" girl!

Your convienent to him.

It isn't good for you or him.

 

Your in a relationship that needs serious counselling to even begin to work....what do you think he'd think about that?? Exactly..!

 

So decide what you want.

Do you want real love?

Someone out there will love you and be "the one" for you.

Are you bold enough to get that for your life?

-or-

will you waste time not getting what you want for security that in the end will make you miserable and be fruitless?

Tip: DON"T HAVE KIDS WITH HIM....!!!!!!!

They shouldn't have to be brought into a "not" real love family destined for failure.

Sorry...but there are some things that are just what thye are...your situation is one of them.

Ask yourself what you "really" want....what he does to fulfill THAT..(not what other things he does good) and if he doesn't give you what you really want, find someone who will.

 

My ex was a great mother and teh best lover....but she was basically arrogant, narcissistic, judgmental, harsh....with the average everyday stuff.

She loved to look at me, make love to me, watch a movie etc...but she didn't really love me and others could easily see that.

It took a toll on my own sanity and self-esteem, she made me feel it a drugery and to blame for her life not working or being what she wanted.

But the reality was, her heart was elsewhere...and with others some of the time.

 

I tried to placate and have enough love for the both of us...I tried to have grace for her weaknesses "thinking", she'd come around and appreciate me the way I needed her too...

 

It never happened, even after 20 years of being faithful and forgiving her of adultery.

She wanted "her own" life and freedom and never really wanted a "full" relationship.

 

People say they want a relationship but unless they give up their single mindset...they never fully enter into it with you.

If they did then, they couldn't blame you when things don't go their way.

If someone really loves you they will commit in their heart, whole heartedly.

Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you...oneness...relationship..yet I digress..hope this helps!

[halfarock]

I’m in a somewhat simular situation. One of my closest friends is a married woman whose husband forbids her to have friends. She and I have a business relationship which hides (from her husband) the fact that we are also close personal friends.

 

I think that he is overly controlling of her as she does have to sneak around to do things that would seem rather normal to me. We rarely talk about it or him but often times she will make little comments about not being very happy with her situation overall. Still she says that she loves her husband and would never leave him as when it is just the two of them she says she is very happy.

 

I think that her husband and your boyfriend are wrong to be so controlling. Yet, with my friend I say nothing. If you are willing to put up with such behavior from your boyfriend, then I would say that your friend is out of line.

 

I suspect that if your boyfriend did find out about your friend he probably wouldn’t leave you, just make you miserable for it.

 

I would never put up with a girlfriend who was controlling. I’m too much of a free spirit.

 

By the way, I do have a girlfriend and we allow each other a great deal of freedom to do as we please.

[Trimmer]

I agree with Lakeside... "Friend" would rather be "Boyfriend." And why do we say that? C'mon, we're guys; we (as a gender) may be lunks, but some things we can relate to...

 

Your description of your boyfriend sounds like "bad thing, bad thing, bad thing, bad thing, another bad thing, oh but I love him, he's been so great for me." I don't quite know what to say about that. If my sister or daughter or a close friend described her relationship like that, I would have grave concerns. Like the others have said: ask yourself what you really want in a relationship and in a partner.

 

And PLEASE, PLEASE, don't make the mistake of thinking, oh, I'll change these things about him later. What you see is real. This is him, and there's not a very high probability of success of you changing him significantly.

[LuminousZ]

 

My best friend thinks I am living a total lie, and that my life with my boyfriend is a lie. He doesnt think I belong with him. He thinks my BF wants a slave or a mother, but not a GF. He thinks I am being used and taken advantage of.

 

Your so called "BF" is doing everything he can to get you to break up with your boyfriend..., this is the number one reason why boyfriends don't want their girlfriend hanging out with guy friends -