advice......please

[SaneorInsane]

I have been in a relationship for approx 6 months now. We hit it off well after we initially met online. She has been seperated from her husband for a year and the divorce is almost final. She was married for over 10 years and has two children. She moved to a different state for a job opportunity and it happened to be the one I live in and we met after she moved. Our personalities are very similar and we seem to get along quite well, but at times, knock heads about certain situations.

 

She had been with her husband for most of her adult life and hasn't really dated much of anyone else. However, I have never been married and have had two longer relationships coupled with many smaller ones. We are both in our 30's. She seems to have a huge issue with my past and thinks the way I dated some of the people casually means that I am unable to care for someone individually. I have been honest about my past and have actually grown to be the mature person I am today because of the mistakes I have made in my past. I have never felt the way I do with her. I was very immature at times in my past and dealt with issues the wrong way. Before her, in the past 4 years, I dated two people sorta casually. I told them I wanted to take it slow and get to know them. Told them I didn't want anything serious. It never progressed into anything because I didn't feel I had serious feelings for them. I was very honest and up front with them and almost was beginning to think I became very insensitive and wasn't capable of love.

 

This all changed when I met the one I am with. I jumped head first into a relationship. Nothing means more that being with her and around her. I neglect work at times ( I was a workaholic in the past) and my family is upset with me because they think im lovestruck. and don't care about them. (They never saw me like this.) I was always a private person and didn't show my emotions very well, but I always am emotional around my present gf. I try and tell her everything.

 

The reason why I am writing......we seem to have many disagreements early in the relationship. I make sure I try and spend most of my free time with her (we live a couple hours away from each other). She had told me that her marriage was one sided and she wasn't going to do that again, that quality time is important to her. She wanted to spend alot of time with me. However, at times she seems "ok" with not spending time together. She was very adament that I understood certain things about her. We have already expressed the deep admiration for one another and everything was laid on the table. She claimed that if I were to move away for a career move, that she would distant herself because she knew it wouldn't work. So I listened, and decided that she is much too important to give up on. She also expressed that she wanted to be number one in my life, and didn't want to take the back burner to my family or anyone else. (She was upset on evening when I was late, after I stopped in for an hour at my mothers on the way to her place, I did call her though).

 

During the week, we decided that it would be best if we concentrate on work and stay at our perspective residences for a while. We mostly will only see one another on weekends now.

She has commitments in another area for two weeks coming up that would keep her away and we wont see one another. It is for work. She has more vacation available to her and wants to spend her other vacations in another state with a friend that she hardly sees. (I dont have a rigid structured work schedule and would be able to spend most of her vacation weeks with her if she opted to spend them here.) I made it a point to schedule both of my vacations with her. When she asked if I would mind if she left for those weeks, she also asked if I would be insecure about her spending all that time with that friend. Doesn't that seem odd? And....why wouldn't she want to spend that "Quallity time" with me? It seems like she demands certain things in her relationship but doesn't feel she should consider someone elses feelings. Or ..am I being too insecure, or co dependent?

 

Im trying to be realistic, and actually told her it is odd to me that she wouldn't want to spend that time with me, but told her to go and do what she wants because that is what she wants to do. I certainly don't want to tell someone to spend extra time with me. She said that she just wanted something "to do" during those weeks.

 

any advice would be appreciated.....thanks

[Tony T]

So she wants to be number one in your life but she doesn't seem to want to make you number one in her life? That's a bit one-sided.

 

I think it's nice for her to spend some time with friends...but I also think if she's looking for all this quality time with you she should make time for you as well.

 

Instead of bringing this issue to an Internet forum, I think you should have a talk with her. Tell her, calmly, how you feel and that you are somewhat hurt. That may be what she wants to hear. If not, the two of you need to have a discussion and even things up a bit or find out just where her head it.

 

But the only way this will get resolved is in a conversation with her.....period.

[SaneorInsane]

She and I have already had a discussion and she feels I am being selfish. That I am wanting her to spend a vacation at home with me instead of going across the country to be with a friend.

I guess I dont understand the quality time thing when she doesn't want to abide by it. I think it's quality time on her terms.

I think it is important for her to spend time with friends as well, but don't understand how she can go and spend that time with someone she hardly speaks to rather than with someone she claims she is so in love with and never felt this way before, not even with husband.

[Tony T]

Again, the only way you will ever fully understand her motives and her behavior is if you site down with her face to face and have her explain.

 

While I understand why she might want to see an old friend, I don't understand the other inconsistencies of your relationship. You'll have to work this out with her.

 

It's got me stumped.

[SaneorInsane]

I certainly appreciate any imput. I , at times, do not understand her either. I feel as I might be giving alot of myself and opening up the possiblity of being hurt. I don't like that and never dealt real well with that.

 

I try to talk with her calmly and she raises her voice and says that I hurt her with words. I told her that it seems like I am more emotionally involved than her. She says that isn't true and she doesn't like that I say it. She doesn't ever see my view at all and is very stubborn.

[clia]

I think you are forgetting that she just got out of a ten year marriage. I don't care if they were separated for a year--I hear that oftentimes getting those final divorce papers can be difficult for people to go through.

 

She's likely feeling a bit out of sorts, wants to spend time with her friends, wants to see you, wants to reclaim her independence and her life, etc. I think it perfectly reasonable that she's being a little selfish right now so she can work on herself and ge herself through this divorce.

 

I think you should step back and let her get through her divorce how she sees fit. Be there for her, but don't pressure her anymore about wanting to spend a lot of time with her. I'm sure in time she'll come around.