5 years...no ring...

[poeticangel1219]

Well, I can see I'm not the only person who seems to be having this problem so the first thing I must say is what is wrong with men? That's not my real question however.

 

I am 30 years old, my boyfriend is 26. I have a 13 year old son from someone else who has never been around. My boyfriend adores my son. My son listens to him and tells him more than he tells me. So I know their relationship is doing well. Ours is good as well. We are best friends, very in love. We can be extremely mushy, we laugh A LOT, we tell each other EVERYTHING and we live together. In watching our parents we learned what not to fight about so we barely argue and definitely not about bills, hidden savings accounts, raised toilet seats or who cooked last. Our partnership is pretty much exactly what I've always wanted...so why aren't we married? GREAT QUESTION!

 

I learned from a previous long term relationship not to bring up marriage. He was the first to do it and he continues to speak of it more than I do. I secretly have my entire wedding with him planned out but as far as he knows...I only discuss it when he brings it up. And he brings it up almost every day. Our wedding this, our house that, we need more kids...blah blah blah. So I've finally been getting a little irritated and said, "And when exactly is this all going to happen because you've been discussing it for nearly two years now". All he ever says is "Soon".

 

I don't want a large ring or a large wedding. At one point I even told him I'd settle for this pretty sterling silver CZ engagement ring from Avon, just to prove to him that I'm not about the money. His thing has always been "we need to be financially stable". In two years since he brought it up...we haven't gotten much more stable. We're not poor or struggling...just don't normally have a lot extra to work with. Part of that is he's a financial sales rep in his second year working without a base salary so he's still building his business.

 

I just don't understand what he is waiting for. What if it takes us the next 5 years to get financially stable!!! I just feel there has to be a point where you realize you just have to do what your heart is telling you to do and stop trying to rationalize it all so much. I wouldn't have a car or the good job that I have or the lovely apartment that I have if I had just sat there afraid to make the next move!

 

Sometimes I'll get so angry that I'll very nicely and calmly imply that perhaps we aren't going any further with our relationship. He'll get very upset and ask me not to break his heart. Well, I tell him he's breaking mine by procrastinating so much and he always assures me he doesn't mean to and he promises things are going to happen soon. If he only just starting saying this a few months ago I'd be okay. But I've been hearing "soon" for 2 years now and I'm about ready to explode. When is soon? Next year? 2 more years? 5 more years? What's his deal!!??

[Lezbean]

Well, I advise that you give him a deadline.

 

Make it something reasonable like 6 months. But you HAVE to stick to it.

 

Say something like...You have been patient long enough and it's time to move to the next level. Sh*t or get off the pot.

 

Tell him if the date is not set in 6 months that you plan on leaving the relationship because it's no longer meeting your needs.

 

If he doesn't comply by then leave. Almost all men come slinking back begging you to marry them.

 

This is a last resort type of thing, but it sounds like you are there to me.

 

GOOD LUCK!

[datingmum]

Please listen to me:

 

I was in a similar situation. I was with my partner for a shorter time, 2 and half years nearly, and I did the whole deadline thing. In fact, I even asked him to move out until he'd decided as I couldn't handle his indecision anymore and I was afraid for my two daughters who have known him since they were 2 and 3. He kept saying soon, and eventually, Christmas rolled around. I got loads of beautiful presents from him, and then a card that had a ticket to Venice in it. I knew! I was over the moon.

 

We went to Venice and he proposed on the Rialto bridge. Sweet, right?

 

Fast forward to 3 months later, we're having a little argument and it spirals out of control. He says "You pressurised me into moving in with you in the first place, and into getting engaged!" I took the ring off and we rowed about it constantly until one day in May, I told him to either re-propose or it was over.

 

He took option two and hasn't moved back since.

 

I had NO IDEA the amount of pain I would suffer, how much pain my children would suffer. We keep trying to talk things out, me wanting him to re-commit, him wanting me to 'let go and just let happen'. He's now even bought a house without me. My best friends house. The house that I helped renovate and decorate entirely. And now, in arguments (all over 'commitment' as we have NO issues with one another otherwise) he has even said " I don't love you enough now to marry you and I don't know if I ever will. I didn't buy that house for us as a family, I bought it for me.... etc"

 

I kick myself everyday for pushing him into that, for the ultimatum. He did what I wanted but, in the end, even though it was what he wanted, he did not get to do it under his own volition.

 

 

I am not saying give up your own desire to be married. IF you do set a deadline, set it internally. Do NOT tell him or even talk about it anymore.

 

Try this one last experiment. Sit down and truly think of how you willl feel if he's completely gone - maybe not immediately, but further down the line when he feels resentful, robbed of his 'manly' right to do ask you to marry him 'his way' and in 'his time'. Think of how your son will feel when the situation reaches fever pitch and you are both forced to your battle lines.

 

Is that worth it?

 

Perhaps he is waiting because he WANTS to buy you a nice ring, not a CZ from Avon. He works in finance, he'll have his own ideas about what 'his woman' should have! Perhaps he WANTS to take you somewhere special to propose. The guy talks about it on a weekly basis, he's not averse to the idea! Seriously, if your relationship is great otherwise, please wait.

 

And while you wait, MAKE A PROMISE TO NEVER EVER EVER TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN. If he brings it up, just smile and go 'yes, sure dear', then change the subject. That will drive him mad. That will make him want to prove himself. You must do this concertedly for at least a few months. Promise yourself you won't snap and get drawn into discussing it. Please try it. I really think it will work.

 

Let me know, okay? I'm rooting for you!

 

DO NOT DO WHAT I DID!

[datingmum]

you think that maybe my guy left because he truly didn't love me, you're wrong. He's still around. He's still all over me and my family, but vacillating like crazy because he WANTS AND NEEDS to feel that he's made this decision himself. He wants to be the man. He loves me because I'm a strong independent woman, but sometimes that strong nature of mine tips over into controlling. He needs to make sure he can exert his own power in our relationship or he will feel emasculated. I actually respect him more now than ever BECAUSE he stood up to me. My first husband didn't do that, he just let it roll for 8 years until we grew very far apart. He was an avoider. You don't want this, babe!

[adnCat]

I would NOT advise that you "give" him a deadline. That is an ulitmatum, and I do not think ultimatums are part of a healthy relationship.

 

As someone who recently got engaged after 8 years of dating, I would say that giving him a deadline is not a good course of action. I heard "soon" for about 4 years before the proposal. I'm not saying you should wait around forever, but you need to talk more with him and understand his plans and reasons. If he feels it is a financial thing, talk to him about what goals need to be reached before he will feel the time is right. Maybe even talk about where it will put the two of you realistically once he reaches those goals. Bring up the fact that marriage (life) may mean dealing with unexpected financial crises later, even if he feels set today. Ask him if he thinks that the two of you are a good enough team to work through these issues should they arise in your marriage. I'm just saying that he may say "Well, I want my salary to be 50K before we get married." But the fact is that the very next day he could get laid off. Then what? He'd call off the wedding? Also, talk to him about whether or not he wants/you want a surprise proposal, complete with a ring in his hand and him on one knee. That sounds stupid, but I know my boyfriend wanted to catch me off guard, and would not have been able to had we just been discussing the issue.

 

I would not imply that the relationship is not going any further. If you knew he didn't want to marry you, you would leave, right? But he does, so it's just a matter of timing at this point. So don't go around like the boy who cried wolf. He won't take you seriously if you keep bluffing like this.

 

A reminder that all of my thoughts are assuming that he is not stringing you along and just saying this stuff to appease you. I'm assuming that he truly wants to marry you but is waiting for some reason or another.

[poeticangel1219]

DatingMum,

 

That is exactly what I'm afraid of. You sound like me and your beau sounds like mine. I can't picture my life without him or his family. And I know my son would be absolutely devastated. He adores this man...told me to never again say anything like, "I know he's not your real father but he loves you as though he was." My son says that statement is no longer necessary because as far as he's concerned this is his father and no other every could be.

 

I also would hurt because of his family. I would be one of the few able to say I absolutely adore my in-laws and after many failed relationships, I know how hard it is to find these things and I know there is no such thing as perfect. It's a peace I came to a long time ago.

 

He truly is my best friend and my soul mate and I guess I've gotten to a point that I'm so overwhelmed with love for him and all his talk about marriage just made me realize how deeply I do want to be his wife and have his children.

 

I believe that he doesn't feel good enough for me yet. He plays Mr. Confident but I know him well enough to know he's not as confident as everyone believes him to be. He doubts himself all the time. He always tells me how I'm smarter and more driven to get what I want then he is...never in a resentful way but with total admiration. And in reading what you've said, I think I just needed to hear from other people that there are others in my situation and it doesn't mean he's toying with me. I had a friend of mine who waited 6 years for her husband tell me that for him it was all about perfection...the perfect ring, the perfect proposal, the perfect wedding, honeymoon and house. And only when he felt he had all that lined up did he finally propose.

 

I think I've just been getting nervous about my age because although I'm young and people have children well into their 40s now-a-day, my family suffers from fibroids. They begin in our early thirties and by our mid thirties have multiplied and block our ovaries and children becomes a thing of the past. It has happened to every single one of my aunt's and I am the only female grandchild and yes, I do have fibroids but luckily they are few and very small. So I think that recent health discovery, which I shared with him, has had me feeling like I'm racing the clock.

 

I truly appreciate you sharing your story with me and I do agree that an ultimatum could severly backfire. I guess I'll just have to learn to be a bit more patient, which was never my strong suit, but for love I'll fight anything.

 

Thank you again for your complete honesty. I wish you the best in your relationship.

[poeticangel1219]

adnCat,

 

I want to thank you as well for your advice. 8 years huh? And your happy and don't regret waiting so long? You make some really good points in your suggestions for a conversation with him and I think I will try that as well. We never have any problems getting into deep conversations. We don't misunderstand each other or say the wrong things we just totally understand each other...often without words being said.

 

As I mentioned to DatingMum, I think my whole fibroid issue has sent me spiraling on an emotionally rollercoaster where I'm fighting for time to stand still. It doesn't help that of the few friends and family we have, we've gone to and been in everyone's wedding and the question is always when are we tying the knot.

 

But as I said, I have to be a bit more patient, take a step back and deal with this differently. Thank you so much for your time and your kind words. I truly appreciate the advice and wish you well on your engagement and wedding plans!

[adnCat]

poeticangel- Now that my fiance and I are where we are, I can honestly say that I would not have wanted it any other way. We are so happy and I'm so glad I waited. There was a time when I was really worried about when it was going to happen. I was afraid that I would have to realize that it was not going to happen, and then end the relationship feeling like I'd "wasted" my time. Then I realized that I'm making a decision every day to be with him, and I could not be mad at him for "wasting" my time if it was my decision to stay. So I gave myself an internal deadline, like datingmum mentioned. It was going to be at the 8 year 6 month mark. 6 months before it hit, he finally proposed. He had no idea I had set timeframe for myself. I did tell him that I wanted to marry him, but could not wait forever, so he knew that, at least.

 

I'm 28, and would like to soon be having kids, so I can only imagine how much of an issue the fibroids are for you. I think if he wants to have children with you, he knows that it could be a problem the longer he waits.

 

About his self confidence- does he understand that you love him as he is? This was a hard one to hammer into my fiance's head, as he's been unsure career-wise where he was going. It sounds really similar to your situation, actually. He still has down days, but for the most part it isn't an issue that he doesn't feel "good enough" for me.

 

About your friend who said it was about perfection. If that is what your boyfriend feels is necessary, try to convince him that you'd rather be married, struggles and all, than wait.

[dreamyeyes42]

If he loves you, he will propose, eventually. My fiance proposed after 6 years of being together, last Thanksgiving.

Dont set deadlines. Don't pressure him into anything. Keep talking about marriage. We both did it.

[hotgurl]

Don't set dealines. After six years my BF proposed. Some guys are just slower and yes finaces are a big part of it.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

Bottom line, if you pressure him into it, you will never truly know if it was because he wanted it, or was backed into a corner. 5 yrs is a long time. I think if I were wanting to marry and nothing had happened after the first yr, I would have moved on. But, we each have to make our own choices. Are you prepared to stay with him and never marry? Sometimes that works for couples.

[Fun2BMe]

I learned from a previous long term relationship not to bring up marriage.

 

That's pretty much the reason why you don't have a ring. If you don't bring it up, and he's the one who is, then he's not going to bother with it, thinking you're happy the way things are and men prefer to have the benefits of marriage without the commitment. You can tell him you prefer to be married instead of living like a free prostitute. Let him tell you if he needs more time, is ready or not interested then deal with it from there. Keeping your needs to yourself then crying about it to other people is not going to solve anything.

[Mirage222]

All I can say is: 5 Years IS IS IS a long time to wait for someone who professes his ever dearing love to you. Forget about money this and that, the perfect time, etc. Because... If he wanted to marry you and father your son from another relationship - he would have already.

 

We are NEVER prepared for anything in life. We always get that huge unexpected bill just when we thought we were financially doing ok. Heck - everyday to-be-mothers find out they are pregnant - unexpected but you deal with it. That is how I feel on marriage! I personally don't agree with the excuses that are pronounced when the talk of marriage comes up. Silly part is alot of the time women go on the same page as their S/O saying he wants to wait until ___. He wants to wait until ____. Same ol' song and dance.

 

Back in the day it was I love you, marry me. There was none of these 5 Karat diamonds and weddings that could buy me a nice house. It was love and work to keep it going.

 

Ok - so my life: Going on 4 years without a proposal. He knows I want it and his response was: If it is so important to you, it is just as much as important to me. I have not discussed it in a while now because somedays I want marriage, other days I think for what.

 

So NCB, It's your call. No one wants to be with someone who does not want it just as much as you do.

[Jinnah]

His thing has always been "we need to be financially stable". In two years since he brought it up...we haven't gotten much more stable. We're not poor or struggling...just don't normally have a lot extra to work with. ...

 

...What's his deal!!??

 

I don't know what his deal is, but since you already live together and all, that "financial stability" line is an excuse... getting married in your current situation is not going to change anything financially. You can have a small, cheap wedding, so he can't say anything about that.

 

Maybe he's nervous? It sounds like he wants to (otherwise he could just leave)... he's just been putting it off for so long, he might be scaring himself more... making it seem like a bigger deal than it needs to be. You are going to have to have a heart to heart with him. A nice one... no anger, so you won't fight.

[Izzy B]

He is 25. That is pretty young to be getting married these days. Since you already have a son, why do you need to worry about being married? It might be that he might want to get married to someone who he can start "fresh" with in a marriage. He is young enough to do that (as are you, it's just that you have been there/done that and it's not quite the same.)

He is probably thinking "What is the point of marriage?" I can see why YOU'D want the stability but he's 25 and no kids....so....I honestly have to say I don't blame him.

Honestly you might just have to accept you'll never be married to this man. He has it all, the cow, the milk, and her child, in his life, why should he marry?

[Izzy B]

you think that maybe my guy left because he truly didn't love me, you're wrong. He's still around. He's still all over me and my family, but vacillating like crazy because he WANTS AND NEEDS to feel that he's made this decision himself. He wants to be the man. He loves me because I'm a strong independent woman, but sometimes that strong nature of mine tips over into controlling. He needs to make sure he can exert his own power in our relationship or he will feel emasculated. I actually respect him more now than ever BECAUSE he stood up to me. My first husband didn't do that, he just let it roll for 8 years until we grew very far apart. He was an avoider. You don't want this, babe!

 

Sorry but that doesn't sound like a man who is in love. A man who is in love doesn't vascillate back and forth. He just knows it in his heart and soul. That doesn't seem to be the case here.