Only A Computer Friend

[Go Figure]

Good Morning everyone, I have yet another problem to share. I thought I had become friends with this guy that I used to work with. He quit the company but we kept in touch afterwards via e-mail and messenger service. Well since the day he quit almost 4 months ago, I have only seen him once--at my initiation--and it seems we only talk through messenger service. We have had a few isolated conversations on the phone but they are few and very far between. I don't know why but lately I've been gettting more and more upset at this arrangement. It sort of hit me the hardest last week when I invited him to my birthday at a nightclub and he didn't show, giving me some excuse that some friend had come to visit and all the guys took him out. In addition, instead of phoning to wish me a happy birthday he simply sent me an e-card. Another example is yesterday. He had a job interview and I phoned him in the early evening to ask him how it went (keep in mind I never call this guy). He didn't pick up the phone and then literally 5 minutes later he signed on to messenger--he didn't know I was online because I was on "invisible". I know he has call display. Anyways, I signed on shortly after and I told him I called him but he gave me some excuse that his phone was in his coat with the ringer on silent. Regardless, I was pretty busy so I told him I couldn't talk to him on msn right then BUT he never suggested I call him back later or for him call me later on.

 

I am quite disappointed in this guy. When I first met him he was really cool and very nice. We hung out a lot at work, always having lunch together, stuff like that. Now I feel like I am just a computer friend. This is so immature in my opinion. I don't want to have "msn friends" especially when I want more than that. I don't want to be unfair to this guy, and I realize it is his prerogative to be only a computer friend, but I think it sucks. I feel like deleting him altogether and never contacting him again if he only intends to talk to me on msn. I might be overreacting...somebody please tell me what you think?

[HokeyReligions]

Pretty crappy of him not to read your mind.

 

Have you asked him if he's interested in being closer friends or embarking on a romantic relationship with you?

 

He probably has no clue about your feelings or thoughts. How could he if you haven't told him.

 

I had a dream one time about my husband. It was so real. I was so mad at him when I woke up and I snapped at him at breakfast. He thought maybe I didn't get enough sleep. I felt out-of-sorts with him that whole morning, almost felt angry with him. Finally that afternoon he asked me why I'd been treating him so crappy, and what had he done to piss me off.

 

Pretty silly of me, wasn't it, to have felt angry or hurt over a dream. When I told him we both laughed.

 

Is that the situation with you? Are your feelings out-of-sorts with this guy because he doesn't know how you feel?

[clia]

It's clear from your post that you want/expect more out of him than he is willing to give you. Trust me, if he wanted more with you, he would be stepping up to the plate. Does he know how you feel about him? If so, and if he's not interested in more than friendship (which I don't think he is), that could be why he isn't making any effort at all with you, since it may make him feel uncomfortable.

 

Friendships should be two sided. If you are doing all the work here or not getting what you want out of the friendship, you need to move on.

 

I don't think you are overreacting at all. If I were you, I'd stop contacting him entirely. If he chooses to contact you, fine, but stop doing all the work here.

[Tony T]

I hope you entertain ceasing to be so concerned about people's behavior because members of the human species will act as their free will dictates and never as you prescribe or feel they should. People are what they are...get used to it.

 

There is nothing in your post that indicated he has an interest in continuing an association with you. Poop on him!

 

People who work together and form associations or even friendships do so for the most part because of the common situation they're in. Some call them situational friends. That is, they are forced into interacting with each other socially at work simply because of their proximity. Basically what they have in common is working together. Often this is subconscious and there is no interest in the person beyond the work situation...which is OK. It's much better to get along with people in the workplace. It makes things much more pleasant.

 

However, once the situation in which the friendship ensued is terminated, the reason for the friendship no longer exists. The bond of working together is severed and only on rare occasions do people continue to have social interaction beyond that.

 

On your part there was a much greater interest in this man. But it seems very obvious to me that he is sending you strong hints to back off and let him be. Try not to feel rejected. It has NOTHING to do with you at all. You were a situational work friend and now he's moved on.

 

Had you announced to him much earlier of your attraction and feelings, it could have gone either way. However, my guess is it wouldn't have gone far because if this guy was interested in more than just having a buddy at work he would have made a move by now.

 

Just another reason for not getting things going with people at work. You can never be certain if it's something that's forced by the association at work or an honest attraction.

 

Take the hints, move on, and don't take this personally. And if you decided to go after somebody else at work, hope he stays there a long time.

 

You may be surprised that if you totally stop pursuing this guy, he may get extremely curious or be so bothered he will call you. Just another one of those human being things...but when somebody feels another is losing or has lost interest, it drives them up a wall. So, if you back off totally...you might just get a call from this guy. But don't expect one...if it happens just let it be a bonus.

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]

If this guy was truly interested in you, then you wouldn't be playing these back and forth games and he would be more apt to contact you on a more frequent basis. I would "get the hint" and pursue someone who expresses more of an interest in you. There are so many more fish in the sea that will sweep you off your feet. Don't settle for anything less.

[/color]

[Go Figure]

Ok...I get the point from all your messages. Next question--what do I do now?

 

1) Block and delete him from msn so that he absolutely never catches me online again? Completely disappear?

 

2) Sign on as normal and never message him again, but if he messages me talk to him?

 

3) Act like nothing is wrong, carry on as is?

 

4) Tell him my feelings! In other words, come clean (and risk looking like an even bigger loser)?

 

...I was looking forward to us becoming better friends...I guess that was never in the cards. By the way, thanks to everyone who responded :-)

[clia]

1) Block and delete him from msn so that he absolutely never catches me online again? Completely disappear?

 

I don't think it's necessary to go to this extreme.

 

2) Sign on as normal and never message him again, but if he messages me talk to him?

 

Bingo! Don't contact him first. If he messages you, be nice and polite, but don't message with him for hours or anything. Cut it off after a few minutes, tell him you have to go.

 

3) Act like nothing is wrong, carry on as is?

 

You accomplish nothing by doing this. You need to make a point to him that you are no longer going to keep chasing him around and trying to be friends with him.

 

4) Tell him my feelings! In other words, come clean (and risk looking like an even bigger loser)?

 

I wouldn't do this if I were you. I think by now, he probably has an inkling that you want more, and he hasn't acted on it. Even if he doesn't have that inkling, if he wanted more, he would be doing something about it, or at least making your friendship a little less one sided and normal.

[midori]

Originally posted by Go Figure

Ok...I get the point from all your messages. Next question--what do I do now?

 

1) Block and delete him from msn so that he absolutely never catches me online again? Completely disappear?

 

You know what, I think this might be the best approach for you. Maybe not block him, but delete him from your list. Would you want to be on pins and needles everytime you're both logged on at the same time? If you just delete his name from your list you won't have to be confronted with his online/offline status, info that you can probably do without at the moment. By not blocking him you'll leave the door open for him to contact you. If you're afraid that out of sight will mean out of mind for him, then surely you know there's no point in holding onto hope anyway.