Any ? H emotionally unavailable and disregarded anniversary

[Love is Tragic]

So yesterday was the last straw for me in my marriage. It was our wedding anniversary. I got him a card and wrote a heartfelt message inside. I spent 50 bucks on his gift, not that its the money that matters. I had 3 people offer to take our daughter for a few hours so that we could be alone together(which we rarely get). We wake up and get ready for the day, deciding what we want to do. He doesnt tell me Happy Anniversary, and there is no card. So im thinking, maybe that will come later. So we decide to go out and do a little shopping and grab some dinner. Although it is our friggin anniversary, he insists on our daughter coming with us.(keep in mind i had an offer of free babysitting from a friend who lives a half mile away).

 

We go on our way and go shopping, we get dinner. Our daughter is being a complete brat the whole time and my H yells at me because i try to discipline her. Tells me to leave her alone. I am obviously upset the entire day as he makes no mention of our anniversary or a card, or flowers. nada. He knows it is our anniversary,for sure. He received his card and gift earlier. We get back home and stop at a friends house, and then the store. Still nothing. By this time i am so upset i want to explode. We get home and put our kid in bed. I sit on the couch and erupt into tears. He has the nerve to ask what is wrong. I tell him how upset i am that i didnt even get a card or letter, nothing. He tells me i dont need one, that i know he loves me. I am a complete mess at this point and keep asking him how he can hurt me this way. The whole time, he says absolutely nothing, just sits there on the couch like a stone. I ask him if he hates me, cuz only men who hate their wives dont give a crap about their anniversary. He says no, how can you say that?

 

It ended up with me leaving and going to sit at the park for a couple hours, sobbing my eyes out. He doesnt try to make me stay, or even call. When i get home hes in bed, and i sleep on the couch. Him being emotionally shut down is killing our marriage. I cant take it anymore and i wrote him a long letter telling him how i feel. I told him we need MC and if he wont go, i will know he doesnt want to stay married. He will NOT talk to me when we have a problem, he wont tell me what he is feeling. at ALL. He is completely cold, but wonders why i feel like he doesnt care. Its been this way for years. And when i try to talk about something that is upsetting me, he says im crazy and paranoid and tries to make me doubt my sanity.Well i know i am NOT crazy. Its him that is acting dilusional. I dont know whats going on with him. Any advice??

[Love is Tragic]

Also let me add that i am not a difficult person to talk to, that i dont nag him about anything, and i am completely open to whatever he may have to say to him. I dont yell, and i think i am fairly understanding. So his lack of emotions and lack of expressing them is killing me. So many things are running through my mind like: does he secretly hate me? Is there someone else? Is he only staying with me for our daughter? I dont know what to think. Ive noticed he has become more secretive about his phone calls/texts. Two days in a row his phone rang, he looked at the number and set his phone down so i couldnt see the number. when i asked who it was he said he didnt know. Keep in mind that my H always answers his phone, even when he doesnt recognize the number. And if its a number he doesnt know he will read me the number and ask me if it sounds familiar.

 

He acted totally strange and became defensive when i kept asking him about it. Told me to drop it and that i was pissing him off by asking him about it. Does that strike you guys as weird?

[whichwayisup]

Your husband seems lazy and content with how life is...Which isn't good for a marriage, let alone him not really acknowledging your wedding anniversary.

 

WHAT A FOOL!!!!!!!!!

 

And if its a number he doesnt know he will read me the number and ask me if it sounds familiar.

 

Seems (and I am going out on a limb here, but it could explain his behaviour around you) he is reflecting what HE possibly is doing - Making it seem like you're doing something you shouldn't be doing behind his back.

 

I don't want to come out and say "he's cheating on you" but you do need to keep your eyes open, look for more red flags...Just be prepared for anything...

 

I am sorry that your anniversary sucked, he is a complete idiot for treating you poorly, not telling you he loves you, let alone wanting to BE alone with you. Him deciding to let your daughter tag alone was a mistake, but it also could be looked at, he didn't (or couldn't handle) spending alone time with you.

 

My suggestion is, if he isn't going to talk to you, open up and share WTF is going on inside him, take the bull by the horns and ask him outright if 1) he is cheating on you, 2)does he still want to be married to you and make sure HE understands that YOU will not tolerate his behaviour anymore, otherwise he can get out of the house, find somewhere else to live.

 

I don't know what else to tell you. Sorry again that you are going through this.

[LuminousZ]

 

He acted totally strange and became defensive when i kept asking him about it. Told me to drop it and that i was pissing him off by asking him about it. Does that strike you guys as weird?

 

There's a Red Flag. A marrige should have complete open communication.

 

As for forgeting the anniversary.., thats a bonehead move.., one you would expect a 20 something year old to make. Is that his age? You didn't mention which anniversary this is...,

 

At best he is completely insensitive and you should make sure he completely understands how his behavior is making you feel.

[Love is Tragic]

Your husband seems lazy and content with how life is...Which isn't good for a marriage, let alone him not really acknowledging your wedding anniversary.

 

WHAT A FOOL!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

Seems (and I am going out on a limb here, but it could explain his behaviour around you) he is reflecting what HE possibly is doing - Making it seem like you're doing something you shouldn't be doing behind his back.

 

I don't want to come out and say "he's cheating on you" but you do need to keep your eyes open, look for more red flags...Just be prepared for anything...

 

I am sorry that your anniversary sucked, he is a complete idiot for treating you poorly, not telling you he loves you, let alone wanting to BE alone with you. Him deciding to let your daughter tag alone was a mistake, but it also could be looked at, he didn't (or couldn't handle) spending alone time with you.

 

My suggestion is, if he isn't going to talk to you, open up and share WTF is going on inside him, take the bull by the horns and ask him outright if 1) he is cheating on you, 2)does he still want to be married to you and make sure HE understands that YOU will not tolerate his behaviour anymore, otherwise he can get out of the house, find somewhere else to live.

 

I don't know what else to tell you. Sorry again that you are going through this.

 

Good post. I have come out and asked him if there is someone else, of course he says no. Hes so blind that he doesnt think anything is wrong with our marriage, or with his actions. And i made clear in the letter that i wont tolerate anymore of his behaviours and non-actions. And i did ask him if he still wanted to remain married. If he is cheating, he will never admit it because he knows he will not see his daughter as much, and he couldnt bear it. He thinks he is so good at gas-lighting that its pitiful. Tries to make it seem as there is no problem, like its all in my head. Its driving me crazy that something is obviously up and he wont just come out and say it. I wish hed just tell me hes not happy, and we could go from there. I have always told him that if he became unhappy in the marriage, i would want to know so that we could separate.

 

Surely he must know that things are not right. Noone is that much of an idiot, are they? But good point about him not wanting to be alone with me. I have thought about that as well. Not a good sign. Especially if hes cheating, he may be using having our D with us at all times as a way of not having to be physical with me, and if his heart is tied to another, that would make sense. Thank you for your insight and sympathy.

[Love is Tragic]

There's a Red Flag. A marrige should have complete open communication.

 

As for forgeting the anniversary.., thats a bonehead move.., one you would expect a 20 something year old to make. Is that his age? You didn't mention which anniversary this is...,

 

At best he is completely insensitive and you should make sure he completely understands how his behavior is making you feel.

 

 

He is in his mid 20's, and this is our 7 year anniversary. But.. this is the first one he has made no attempt at making somewhat special. The other anniversaries, (as half-ass attempt as they were) at least i received a card and some flowers.

[Love is Tragic]

With his phone, he is acting the same way he did when he was talking to his ex GF behind my back for years. But that is a different topic in itself. It was exactly the same, his phone would ring, he wouldnt answer it, id ask who it was, hes say he didnt know and get defensive and pissy about me asking about it. The other day when it happened i asked him if he was cheating, told him id rather find out about it now then later on. He said, "good luck, because im not cheating and you will never find anything". Then he got super pissed off and defensive and left. Why WOULDNT i be suspicious?? its so friggin obvious that hes hiding something, and he knows im not stupid. Hes a horrible liar.

 

So why the h*** does he want to continue to be married? Because its working for him this way? Well, hes about to get a rude awakening in that department. Im not putting up with it anymore. Why cant he just tell me hes not happy anymore? He says he loves me and wants to be with me, so why cant he get his act together?

[LuminousZ]

He said, "good luck, because im not cheating and you will never find anything".

 

This reply is anything but reassuring..., almost like he is toying with you.

 

 

Then he got super pissed off and defensive and left. Why WOULDNT i be suspicious?? its so friggin obvious that hes hiding something, and he knows im not stupid. Hes a horrible liar.

 

Take some deep breaths.., to get to the bottom of this you need to have a clear mind. Sit him down and tell him his insensitive behaviors / phone habits are making you feel very uncomfortable. After you've expressed your feelings to him in a way he can understand, Ask him how it makes him feel to know how upset you are.

 

A loving, caring husband would shed a tear upon learning how his actions have hurt his beautiful wife.

[LucreziaBorgia]

You have cheated on him. He has cheated on you, and it sounds like he still is. It sounds like your marriage doesn't have a chance in hell without some serious and intense counseling to try to rebuild this shambles of a relationship, if it can even be rebuilt at all.

 

How would you and he feel about counseling? If he refuses, then understand that your choices are limited: remain in this joyless and unhappy marriage, or divorce and try to find happiness elsewhere.

[Love is Tragic]

You have cheated on him. He has cheated on you, and it sounds like he still is. It sounds like your marriage doesn't have a chance in hell without some serious and intense counseling to try to rebuild this shambles of a relationship, if it can even be rebuilt at all.

 

How would you and he feel about counseling? If he refuses, then understand that your choices are limited: remain in this joyless and unhappy marriage, or divorce and try to find happiness elsewhere.

 

Yes, in my post i stated that in my letter to him i said that MC was much needed and that if he wasnt open to it, i would take that to mean that hes not interested in saving our marriage. We both have cheated, i am no longer, but seems like he was/is. Just based on the fishy signs he is throwing out. Im still interested in saving the marriage, i just dont know whether he is only saying he wants to save it as well, or telling me what i want to hear. I figure marriage counseling may help him to be able to talk about his feelings/emotions and perhaps talking with someone who is neutral to the situation may help him. If not, the marriage will have to end because i refuse to put up with the way it is now.

[OpenBook]

IMO it wouldn't do any good to talk to him. You've already tried that, in multiple ways. He is stone cold toward you, and lying like a rug.

 

From the way you have described his behavior, it sounds like he is subtly taking his revenge on you. Men DO NOT get over being cuckolded.

 

He wants your M to get so bad that YOU will be the one to leave, absolving him of all responsibility for breaking up the M -- and lowering the divorce settlement he'll have to cough up.

 

IMO your marriage is doomed. If I were you, I would consult a divorce lawyer ASAP (without his knowledge) - AND COME CLEAN to the lawyer about your unfaithfulness - because you can bet your sweet @ss your H will use that in court. The custody battle for your daughter will be very ugly.

 

Good luck.

[Love is Tragic]

IMO it wouldn't do any good to talk to him. You've already tried that, in multiple ways. He is stone cold toward you, and lying like a rug.

 

From the way you have described his behavior, it sounds like he is subtly taking his revenge on you. Men DO NOT get over being cuckolded.

 

He wants your M to get so bad that YOU will be the one to leave, absolving him of all responsibility for breaking up the M -- and lowering the divorce settlement he'll have to cough up.

 

IMO your marriage is doomed. If I were you, I would consult a divorce lawyer ASAP (without his knowledge) - AND COME CLEAN to the lawyer about your unfaithfulness - because you can bet your sweet @ss your H will use that in court. The custody battle for your daughter will be very ugly.

 

Good luck.

 

He doesnt know about my affair. Has no clue. And i have no idea what he is up to. The affair was a mistake(has been over for quite some time) and id like to invest my time and energy completely into my marriage, but H doesnt seem interested in that. I am not trying to justify my affair, but H's emotional coldness pretty much drove me to desperation, to someone who was actually there for me emotionally. Not a great idea, but whats done is

done. I love H very much, but i cant force him to want to make this marriage work. If hes not interested in the work it will take, i will have to walk away. It will kill me inside, but ill do it. I just cant keep going on and on this way. I need more.

[Mr. Lucky]

He doesnt know about my affair. Has no clue. And i have no idea what he is up to. The affair was a mistake(has been over for quite some time) and id like to invest my time and energy completely into my marriage, but H doesnt seem interested in that. I am not trying to justify my affair, but H's emotional coldness pretty much drove me to desperation, to someone who was actually there for me emotionally. Not a great idea, but whats done is

done. I love H very much, but i cant force him to want to make this marriage work. If hes not interested in the work it will take, i will have to walk away. It will kill me inside, but ill do it. I just cant keep going on and on this way. I need more.

You seem awfully quick to give yourself a free pass on cheating. How can you blame your H for his emotional distance - while you were sleeping with another man, was your H's happiness your main concern? You've got much bigger problems in what's left of your marriage than forgotten Hallmark cards...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Zapbasket]

I wouldn't be so sure he has no inkling of your affair. You say he's a terrible liar--how good a liar are you? An affair seems quite a difficult thing to hide. I mean, sure, you might not leave notes from your OM out in the open, or your H might not find racy e-mails or the like, but with all that emotional and physical energy invested outside the relationship, it's pretty hard not to give off an aura that Something is Wrong. It could be that he's pulled away emotionally because he sensed, at some point, betrayal on your part...but he doesn't quite know what it is.

[crjames100]

Something that you should consider is that cheating on someone you care about (regardless of the reason) will always lead to a projection of guilt and other "subtle signals" that can be detected...So I would have to agree... Don't be too sure that he has no idea. I had an ex that I was madly in love with - things got a little sour and weird. I couldn't explain it but "something was different"... to make a long story short it was impossible for me to take her seriously and the relationship eventually ended...

 

She claimed she loved me and she tried everything damn thing you can think of to 'get things to be like they were' and it was nothing she could do...

 

(I later found out she cheated)

 

The bigger issue is whether you should put up with his behavior (regardless of whether he knew about the guy that screwed you). Because imo, your desirability decreases the more you stay/tolerate his behavior.

 

You have understand that a Guy Being Excited About A Special Event With A Woman doesn't take place:

 

-because she wants it to happen

-because he knows she will get "angry" at him if he doesn't do it

 

It happens because she has qualities about her that he finds desirable.

It happens because those qualities mean something to him.

 

Those qualities drive her decision making process and shapes who she is as a person...

 

A 'lady crackhead' isn't undesirable because because she smokes crack...well actually she is.. but she is MORE UNDESIRABLE because when things don't go her way, she escapes and smokes crack (as if it is going to solve her problem)...

 

IMO, the relationship is already over. So if you asking 'should you continue to exist with someone who doesn't take you seriously?' my answer is 'no'

 

I think it's good that you are no longer cheating and you apparently learned that it was a bad idea. I would strongly suggest that you move on and find someone who appreciates you because it's not worth the stress...

 

Good Luck

[Love is Tragic]

So i got a chance to talk to H last night and he is flat out refusing marriage counseling. Says he doesnt have a problem and anything that is messed up in our M he can fix. haha, hes been doing a great job so far, huh? I just cant believe our M isnt worth it to him enough to do what its going to take to attempt to make it right. He was sobbing crying to me that he doesnt want me to leave-then why in the hell wont he do this one thing?? First he tells me he cant change and then he tells me he will change. I told him i dont expect him to change his personality, i just want him to compromise, for once!!

 

He wont even give a reason for not wanting the counseling. He told me there isnt an explanation for everything. Im so aggravated at this point-i want to save our M but he isnt interested in putting in the work that is much needed. He keeps saying he can fix it on his own, but that obviously hasnt worked for us, no matter how many "chances" i keep giving him. Even through my own indiscretions, i just cant keep getting hurt like this.

[whichwayisup]

Is it possible that he knows you've had an affair and just isn't letting you know he knows? Seems you both have issues and have turned to other people...

 

Maybe suggest a trial separation and go from there. Staying as things are right now is killing both of you.

[LuminousZ]

I too was in the dark about your indescretion - I'd like to take back my last post

 

He doesnt know about my affair. Has no clue.

 

You're in denial. I tend to agree with others who suggest he has pulled away emotionally because he can sense betrayal on your part ...,

 

A relationship requires a strong foundation..., your first step to recovery is acknowledging some responsibility

[Love is Tragic]

Its possible that hes pulled away because he can sense my betrayal-but.. it doesnt explain all the other years we have had this problem. This is my only affair so it doesnt make much sense that would be the reason he has become emotionally detached. I really dont think thats the reason.

[Mr. Lucky]

This is my only affair so it doesnt make much sense that would be the reason he has become emotionally detached.

I'm going to have to try that line of reasoning on for size:

 

"Officer, this was my only murder"

 

"Auditor, this was my only year not paying taxes"

 

"Pilot, this was my only time not refueling the plane"

 

Don't think so...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Zapbasket]

Its possible that hes pulled away because he can sense my betrayal-but.. it doesnt explain all the other years we have had this problem. This is my only affair so it doesnt make much sense that would be the reason he has become emotionally detached. I really dont think thats the reason.

 

I just cant believe our M isnt worth it to him enough to do what its going to take to attempt to make it right. He was sobbing crying to me that he doesnt want me to leave-then why in the hell wont he do this one thing??

 

He's been doing a lot of stonewalling, from the sound of it...but he's not a stone wall in terms of this marriage to you. I don't really have any advice; I just wanted to point out that at at least one pivotal moment in your relationship, he un-froze and showed some real emotion. If he didn't care whether you left or not, the mention of the possibility wouldn't move him to tears--and not only that, to sobbing. There's your in. One small token of proof that his heart is still somewhere in the vicinity of the relationship. If you want to save this marriage, work with that. Sit down on his lap and be tender with him and say please, please, it would mean so much to you if he'd agree to go to marriage counseling with you--that it won't be about HIS problems or YOUR problems, and no one's fault, just a place to talk about what it's like to be together. And then maybe, if he won't go to MC with you, sit him down and tell him a few of the things you envisioned telling the marriage counselor in his presence. "Invent" your own MC, in other words. And ask him what he feels about MC that makes him not want to try it.

 

Good luck. Your situation is much more extreme than mine was, but I can identify with being someone who is very reticent about their emotions, and uses stonewalling tactics every time difficult things come up. I haven't yet figured out what the best approach is--I only know that coming to a point, after first gently nudging, then actively encouraging, then getting lecture-y, and finally begging, to where I'm YELLING at him to share his goddamn feelings, is *not* an approach that works. It may simply take the patience and selflessness of a saint, and if so, then you'll have to decide whether "sainthood" is something you're capable of or something you even want.

 

Whatever you do, I don't think you should tell him about your cheating episode just yet. It will close down any communication you had any hope of getting from him.

[Woggle]

He knows something is up and that is why is being cold.