To Contact or Not To Contact

[musicman60]

[COLOR=black]What to do, What to do.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]I broke up with my ex a month ago today. I still love her very much but I thought there were obsessive co-dependency issues she needed to deal on her own since I was the target of both. About two weeks after breaking up with her I brought her some mail from my house and after seeing her I realized how deeply in love I still was with her...and entertained thoughts about getting back with her...but I held my ground. I knew how deeply hurt she was over the break up but she was getting help through the church and a friendship circle. I knew she needed time for herself to heal and find herself.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]About a week and a half ago I caught wind that she was dating again (only as friends according to her) and that ripped through to the core of me. I was devastated and I broke down and called her to let her know how much I still loved her and missed her and I wanted to know if there was still a chance for us to work things out. She told me she missed me and loved me but was shocked that I dropped this bomb on her because she thought I didn't want her so she decided to go on with her life and she needed time to think and heal. I know we still have a deep love for each other but of course there's hurt involved. I told her I understood that she still needed her space and I would give it to her but I just wanted to know if there was a chance of us getting back together. Again she said didn't know if she could get past the hurt of our relationship and consequent break up. After a couple days of crying and heartache I called her back to see if we could get together and talk things out but she said she wasn’t ready. Again, I told her I understood because I didn’t want to press the issue and drive her away any more. Since then I’ve been on semi-no contact and I only contact her when she contacts me first. However, inside, I am a wreck. I have been finding myself getting on her myspace page just to see the guys she is corresponding and flirting with and it was/is driving me insane (not really but you could imagine). So, I decided I would go into full no contact mode….today, I deleted her special ring from my cell phone and I deleted her from my friends on my myspace page (before I did I sent her a note say I still loved her) so I wouldn’t be tempted to be obsessive myself anymore. Anyway, today as expected I got several calls (which I didn’t answer) and email messages, first starting with disbelief, then anger and now she says she hates me (which is just a pain reaction). The only thing I did do today was sent her a short message saying I didn’t want to obsess anymore about her flirting/dating during her time of healing and that I still loved her.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]Please someone give me advice. Because I was the original break-upper is it wrong to be in no contact. I just don’t know how to deal with it. Maybe I need my space as well but I love this woman very much and I am willing to work through her issues with her. Please advice. Thank you in advance.[/COLOR]

 

[annabelle75]

It sounds like you "didn't" love her enough to help her work through her problems. You ditched her to deal with them on her own and then wanted to have the option to come back when she was better. That was not a loving thing to do no matter how you try to explain it.

 

Although you may not have intended to do what I have accused you of above, that is how it looks and how she percieved it. She no longer trusts you to be there for her and that is why she didn't want to give you a second chance.

 

The only way to resurrect your chances would have been to step up and be there for her as a friends and then hope that one day you could be more again. I fear after your recent NC screw up it may to be late for that now.

 

I am seeing this through her eyes now because I am going through the same thing. My BF dumped me while I was in the middle of some personal and medical issues. I felt betrayed and abandoned. I eventually started dating some one else and then suddenly he showed back up and wanted another chance. I said no. What did he do? He stuck around anyway and was my friend. A few months later I am single again (things didn't work out with the new guy), and I am considering giving him another chance. Not sure if I will but if i do, he's going to have to work for it.