Mother's past

[catrocks]

I have always known that my mother was engaged to a man in her early 20s (before she knew my dad) who had died, but I had never asked about it before.

 

At the weekend we were visiting family in the area where she used to live and she was pointing out where she lived, and where my godparents used to live etc (my godparents are the parent's of my mother's fiance who died), and on the drive home I decided I would ask her about him.

 

He must have only been 25 when he was killed - he was killed in a motorcycle accident. They had been together for 6 years. I asked whether they had wedding plans but apparently they didn't have much money and were happy just being together. They had discussed marriage and kids but said there was no rush because they knew they would spend the rest of their lives together.

 

Anyways, understandable she would have been completely devastated when he died - I cannot even imagine the pain she must have felt.... and probably still feels. I feel that I understand her a lot more now though, the way she handles things (she always expects things to go wrong, at some point) and really, who can blame her. She lived with his parents for a while when he first died, which I think helped her and them, and then she met my dad a number of years later and had me. Their marriage didn't last and I always knew it was because of my dad's affair but I wonder whether she could really have opened up to him after losing the love of her life, and whether it was doomed from the beginning.

 

Anyways after finding out all this, I just came home and was thinking about him and her and how it must have been for her, and I completely broke down. I'm moving across the world on Thursday, and I know she's all alone here... she has family, but I feel so guilty for leaving. I know that leaving is the right thing to make me happy, but I just feel so bad. I wish that he was still alive and that they had managed to live the life they planned together, I wish that she could be happier, and I hate that she had to deal with all this.... I just wondered if anyone had similar experiences - and if not, I think it's helped to type out all this anyway! I just feel so sad about the whole situation.