Boyfriend keeps old love letters from all his ex-girlfriends - is this normal?

[flowergrl]

I really need some help and advice! My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. We're both 28, and we moved in together a few months ago.

 

First I’ll start with the positive. My boyfriend has a lot of great qualities that I have never seen encompassed in one man before. We have a lot in common, he’s kind and never yells, he’s very attractive and we have great chemistry, he’s hardworking, has a good sense of humour, displays random (well planned out) romantic gestures, and we have a lot of fun together.

 

Now the bad stuff…..when I was helping my boyfriend move his things into our new place, he pulled out a box and started reminiscing thru a box containing piles of pictures and other other memorabilia. I asked him what it was and if was stuff from all of his ex girlfriends (some since junior high!).

 

I thought it was a bit strange, but didn't think much else until recently....I was putting some of his clothes away after doing the laundry one day and noticed a grocery bag totally full of notes in his drawer. We've been having some problems recently so my curiosity got the better of me and I opened the bag to see what this was all about. It was love letters and notes from all his old girl friends, from junior high, high school and onwards. There was also a shoe box next to the bag, and sure enough, it also contained more of these letters....there were literally hundreds of them, and this didn't even contain what was in that other box he was reminiscing thru before!

 

Is this normal?

 

I think it’s creepy and it bothers me that he still keeps these....he's always expressed to me how much he doesn't like cards or notes or anything (he says they are pointless), and doesn't keep any of the heartfelt cards or notes that I've given him. So why does he feel so emotionally attached to these and not to mine??? Some of these notes must be over 15 years old!

 

We've been having other problems that make me question how trustworthy he is, but I don't want to make this post longer than it already is.

 

Can anyone offer some advice/insight?

[LakesideDream]

Yea, forget about it. Your otherwise great guy has a collection of memories.

 

I have yet to meet a woman (in my 40+ adult years, 57 overall) that doesen't have a ton of pictures, letters, dried and pressed flowers, and other assorted memoribilia squirreled away.

 

Did these things bother me? Absolutely not. None of us can affect what happened in the past. It's over and done with. If you marry the guy, he'll probably put them in the attic and forget them the first time you move.

[tinke]

they are his link to the past, his memories. i would not think to get rid of my momentos for someone i am dating. they are tucked away, and you are missing out on the present worrying about that silly nonsense. why borrow trouble? it sounds like you are over-reacting..please try not to be judgemental for him holding onto these, they must be meaningful to him....lucky you...you just may have a sentimental man!!!

[flowergrl]

Yes, I agree that there’s nothing wrong with having some memorabilia, but not boxes and boxes of literally hundreds of love letters.

 

I keep memorabilia too, but it’s not just letters and pictures of past lovers, it’s memorabilia of things that have inspired me and interested me my whole life, things that helped me to grow and become the person I am today. I can’t give all that credit to just my past lovers. I’ve learned so much from my friends and from my experiences too. So where’s his memorabilia of that stuff?

 

For him to have boxes of it, I really believe that is overkill. It’s an emotional attachment that just doesn’t seem healthy….seems obsessive to me.

[Borginator]

Yup its quite normal. can't expect him to forget about his past. does he go over them everyday or something?

[popey]

I'm a bit torn on this one. I think the fact that there are so many is actually more comforting then if it were just one or two- which to me would imply that they had a greater degree of significance for him. That being said, I might feel that it is not in the best interest of the relationship that he keeps these letters which essentially enable him to mentally revisit thoughts and feelings he experienced with past women.

[flowergrl]

This just kept bugging me so I finally asked him about all these love letters from all his ex’s, and why he didn’t keep mine. He said that he hadn’t looked at these letters in years and they weren’t that important to him anymore anyways; when he moved his stuff in, he just didn’t know what to do with them, whether he should keep them or throw them out. He also said that he’s started a new stash of the cards/knick-knacks that I’ve given him. I felt very relieved and told him that it had just come as a shock to me when I saw them because of everything else that we’ve been going through lately (which I am still really struggling with, but I am going to start a new post about this – see “My boyfriend’s weird friendship with another girl – advice?”) and that he should do whatever he wanted to do with them. I saw them in the trash the next day.

[popey]

Seems to me that his decision to throw them out after being faced with the fact that you were probably bothered by them, is a positive sign.

[annabelle75]

OK ... I don't think you are mean or controlin gperson but I do think that you are making alot of the same mistakes that women have been making for centuries.

 

We find a decent guy that treats us well and we let ourselves fall in love and make a commitment. If all goes according to plan the guy falls in love as well and is more than happy to make the effort to be with us. We should be happy, right? Nope. Instead we let our insecurities get the best of us and we start to obsess over the things that we don't quite understand or don't feel we have any control over. We then suddenly become jealous and controling and we feel perfectly justified. Its happened to me and based on the threads you have started I believe it is happening to you. Do you really want to be that girl? Do you really want to be controling who he is friends with and what memories he is allowed to keep? Why? He sounds like a good guy. Why take the chance of driving him away for no real reason. If you keep making him choose and obsessing over such things he will eventually get sick of it and leave. Do you really want to be the girl that his friend's think is a controling *****? I don't think you do. I think you are just feeling a little insecure.

[Spoonandfork22]

stop yourself from thinking any bad thoughts.

 

trust me, ive done this. and its gotten the best of me. i have the most amazing boyfriend. hes considerate, loyal, etc. etc..the whole nine yards. and of course when i told myself i wanted this and actually found it, i vowed to love the hell out of him. but what do i do instead? find every flaw, irrational or not, that i can.

 

he has an old pic of his ex in his junk drawer, i convinced myself he kept it there ot make me jealous, or to look at from time to time wondering how shes doing. there is a girl that flirts with him at work all the time and instead of saying, ok, shes just that girl and he handles it, i convince myself they are having an affair and doing it behind my back, laughing about me at work. if hes at a friends house without me, hes at some girls house and lying to me. if he wants to shower at my house its probably bc. he was fooling around on me and wants to wash it off. trust me, LET IT BE. this s*it nearly RUINED (clearly) my relationship. and someone posted above, just because you dont have control doesnt mean that they are taking advantage of you. guarentee hes doing nothing wrong.

 

trust him until he gives you a reason not. i know its hard -- i lived it and still go through my little explosions -- but you will only drive him away. of course you will have moments where there are little freak outs or arguments but thats when you grow and learn from things. dont accuse or wonder or think hes out to get you, it will only bite you in the ass.

[flowergrl]

OK ... I don't think you are mean or controlin gperson but I do think that you are making alot of the same mistakes that women have been making for centuries.

 

We find a decent guy that treats us well and we let ourselves fall in love and make a commitment. If all goes according to plan the guy falls in love as well and is more than happy to make the effort to be with us. We should be happy, right? Nope. Instead we let our insecurities get the best of us and we start to obsess over the things that we don't quite understand or don't feel we have any control over. We then suddenly become jealous and controling and we feel perfectly justified. Its happened to me and based on the threads you have started I believe it is happening to you. Do you really want to be that girl? Do you really want to be controling who he is friends with and what memories he is allowed to keep? Why? He sounds like a good guy. Why take the chance of driving him away for no real reason. If you keep making him choose and obsessing over such things he will eventually get sick of it and leave. Do you really want to be the girl that his friend's think is a controling *****? I don't think you do. I think you are just feeling a little insecure.

 

I don't know how I'm being controlling as I am not demanding anything from him. As I said in my last post on here, I just needed to know his thoughts on these letters and where his heart is at these days. He said he was going to throw them out and I told him that he didn't have to on my account, he could keep them and I was fine with it, but he threw them out anyway.

 

Don't get confused here, I don't tell him what to do. He makes his own decisions. As you've read my other thread on here about this weird female friendship, it's obviously something that I am concerned about and causes me to question his trustworthyness, and finding these letters didn't help and instead made me question it more.

 

With his female friend, again, I didn't tell him what to do. I eventually told him that I wasn't comfortable with it and wanted to break up. He said he REALLY didn't want to break up, so I had no choice but to suggest this ultimatum, but it was still HIS DECISION to end the friendship or not. The result of his decision would then determine whether I would stay or remove myself from the relationship.

[annabelle75]

I don't know how I'm being controlling as I am not demanding anything from him. As I said in my last post on here, I just needed to know his thoughts on these letters and where his heart is at these days. He said he was going to throw them out and I told him that he didn't have to on my account, he could keep them and I was fine with it, but he threw them out anyway.

 

Don't get confused here, I don't tell him what to do. He makes his own decisions. As you've read my other thread on here about this weird female friendship, it's obviously something that I am concerned about and causes me to question his trustworthyness, and finding these letters didn't help and instead made me question it more.

 

With his female friend, again, I didn't tell him what to do. I eventually told him that I wasn't comfortable with it and wanted to break up. He said he REALLY didn't want to break up, so I had no choice but to suggest this ultimatum, but it was still HIS DECISION to end the friendship or not. The result of his decision would then determine whether I would stay or remove myself from the relationship.

 

How can you say you aren't contorling him by giving an ultimatum? You told him you were going to break up with him unless he dropped his friend? That is the very definition of trying to control some one. You can say it any way you want, but it was not his decision at all. And obviously based on the fac tthat he instead chose to just hide the friendship from you it shows he's not happy about it. You were wrong to make him choose.

[flowergrl]

How can you say you aren't contorling him by giving an ultimatum? You told him you were going to break up with him unless he dropped his friend? That is the very definition of trying to control some one. You can say it any way you want, but it was not his decision at all. And obviously based on the fac tthat he instead chose to just hide the friendship from you it shows he's not happy about it. You were wrong to make him choose.

 

Listen, you obviously don't know me from a hole in the wall, which is understandable. You can think whatever you want, but I know I'm not controlling. I would be controlling if I told him what to do, but I don't and never have. I told him that I wasn't comfortable with this friendship of theirs and I didn't want to put myself thru it anymore by continuing to be in a relationship with him. He very much wanted to continue it, and I said that the only way that I wanted to continue was if she was removed from the picture. It was his choice.

 

Everyone has a their own definition of each word in the dictionary and you obviously would define this as controlling. However, I very strongly disagree, and feel that me expressing what I wasn't comfortable with, and expressing what I would make me comfortable was not controlling. There's a difference between respecting yourself and asking for respect, and being selfish and controlling.

 

Anyhow Annabelle, I guess we should just agree to disagree.

[Cad Rake]

Honey, the fact that you keep responding to everyone's posts and coming up with excuses makes it clear that you are indeed a CONTROL FREAK.

 

If you're young, maybe you'll grow out of it. Let's hope so. I don't envy your boyfriend. I have tons of pictures, notes, mementos, etc. from almost every girl in my past. I would expect any normal person to do the same.

 

Get a life.

[flowergrl]

Honey, the fact that you keep responding to everyone's posts and coming up with excuses makes it clear that you are indeed a CONTROL FREAK.

 

If you're young, maybe you'll grow out of it. Let's hope so. I don't envy your boyfriend. I have tons of pictures, notes, mementos, etc. from almost every girl in my past. I would expect any normal person to do the same.

 

Get a life.

 

Excuse me, but don't call me honey. And maybe you didn't realize but this is a forum.....people usually respond to the threads they start.

 

Maybe you're the one who needs to get a life.

[popey]

I don't think I would have handled everything in the same way as you, but I also don't think that the information you have shared is very good evidence to conclude that you are a control freak. And responding to folks who are speaking to your posts doesn't obviously correlate to control IMO. two cents.

[annabelle75]

I don't think I would have handled everything in the same way as you, but I also don't think that the information you have shared is very good evidence to conclude that you are a control freak. And responding to folks who are speaking to your posts doesn't obviously correlate to control IMO. two cents.

 

Agreed, responding to posts doesn't mean there are control issues but ...... coming here, asking for advice, and then arguing and getting snippy with anyone that doesn't feel she is completely justified in her actions does show their are control issues.

[flowergrl]

Agreed, responding to posts doesn't mean there are control issues but ...... coming here, asking for advice, and then arguing and getting snippy with anyone that doesn't feel she is completely justified in her actions does show their are control issues.

 

Well then, I should apologize as in my first response to you, I didn’t mean to sound snippy. Your next response seemed a little heated, which was why I suggested a truce to agree to disagree.

 

I am (obviously) pretty sensitive on the subject of his relationship with this other girl…..I’ve been trying to deal with it for a year and a half and I’m getting pretty tired of it. There were plenty of people who disagreed with me and I didn’t respond to them. I instead thought of their advice as constructively as they offered it. But I felt that I needed to defend myself against your accusations.

[annabelle75]

Well then, I should apologize as in my first response to you, I didn’t mean to sound snippy. Your next response seemed a little heated, which was why I suggested a truce to agree to disagree.

 

I am (obviously) pretty sensitive on the subject of his relationship with this other girl…..I’ve been trying to deal with it for a year and a half and I’m getting pretty tired of it. There were plenty of people who disagreed with me and I didn’t respond to them. I instead thought of their advice as constructively as they offered it. But I felt that I needed to defend myself against your accusations.

 

They weren't accusations. There were the opinions of an outside observer. As I said before I don't think you are intentionally trying to control you bf. I think you are just letting a little jealousy and possesiveness get in the way of what is really a decent relationship. Although my words may sound harsh, it is only because some times we all need a wake up call.

 

I just thought you should take a step back and ackowledge that you have a good guy and reliquish a little bit of control in the relationship. The tighter you try to reign some one in, the more they feel the need to escape.

[flowergrl]

They weren't accusations. There were the opinions of an outside observer. As I said before I don't think you are intentionally trying to control you bf. I think you are just letting a little jealousy and possesiveness get in the way of what is really a decent relationship. Although my words may sound harsh, it is only because some times we all need a wake up call.

 

I just thought you should take a step back and ackowledge that you have a good guy and reliquish a little bit of control in the relationship. The tighter you try to reign some one in, the more they feel the need to escape.

 

Well I do thank you for your opinion, but I don't take it as a wakeup call. I just know that I'm not comfortable with this relationship with this other girl. And for me to stay in the relationship with him still having this kind of intimate relationship with this girl, is simply not an option for me. I'm just not the type to sit back and say "okay, go ahead and disrespect me".

 

This other girl issue has tainted our relationship from the start and I'm reaching my limit and want to leave. Maybe I wasn't super clear but my question was why should I stay? What can my BF and I do to resolve our issue so that we can rebuild a wholesome relationship? It was not, can you judge me. So that is why I don't see it as a wake up call.

 

And he obviously doesn't feel very "reigned in" because he desperately doesn't want me to leave him, so maybe your wake up call is just irrelevant. The last thing I want to do is "reign him in". I just want us to get past this.