He is moslem, am Xtian but wants me to change? what happens to wedding?

[taiko]

"The catch right now is he is moslem and am pentcostal and we both feel very strongly about our religions."

 

If this was the case you would not be with each other.

If I remember the theology right, sinse she is of the Book, although he thinks she follows a corrupted version of it, he is allowed to pursue the relationship

 

Since he is following his professed faith while she is compromising and going against hers, the unequal relationship part, he holds religious power in the relationship beyond the males being the spiritual head of household.

[Vixen763]

Taiko, on the face of this world where we live...we bleieve that no relationship can be 50/50 equal....

 

This looks like a new relationship on face value but its much more than that between us... we are alraedy palnning settling down...ofcourse we have problems in the relationship such as me working to rebuild the trust but that is not stopping other areas of the relationship from moving on...

 

we are settling together by sometimes before mid next year if religion doesnt split us....

 

I am not looking to pit myself in abattle of the sexes on getting as many equal rights as 50/50 percent... He offers what i need in my lontgtime plans... respect, friendship, humuility. strong character (He is no pushover and he is a man of his word all the time) and he is loving etc... You may ask how i ahve seen all this in a space of two months but hey, this is someone i know too well. We ahve been close friends for many years and i ahve always had an inside look in all his relationships and so has he had the same with mine...two months shouldnt be a big deal because for us its more than that... I betrayed him but he is helping me work on building the trust and failthfulness and he is very open about his insecurities...basicall we are a talking couple ...

[sb129]

Except he still doesn't know that you cheated on him....

[taiko]

Except he still doesn't know that you cheated on him....

Yes since Sharia all him to marry outside of Islam, never the woman by the way, he has been religiously sound and holds the ultimate trump in faith matters.

 

However since she has not been caste and can be considered an apostate since she dabbled in Islam earlier there may be some equality in the relationship if his family finds out and still approves.

[Vixen763]

Except he still doesn't know that you cheated on him....

 

I want to think you ahve not read my previous posts and that is why you are not realizing that i ahve told him about my betrayal (not that it is anything to be proud of but well he knows and he is being supportive in mending things up and getting the relationship more solid...

 

We working things out and that has not stopped us from talking about the future, i guess he believes alot in this relationship and i have learned my lessons....i am hoping that religion does not separate us in the future. i think his family would not take a hardline on my faith because they are quite liberal people...My boyfriend's younger sister just got married a few months ago and she was wedded in church to a christian man. she loved him and wanted to be with him. They had to go with what was going to make her happy....

 

I dont think they would object much to my faith even though therir mother came from christian background and converted

[taiko]

In your specific case your betrayal of him doubles the importance that you accept that there is no other god but God and his messenger was Muhammed.

 

Unless you are about to tell us how you two have shared ham and wine over the years.

[Vixen763]

In your specific case your betrayal of him doubles the importance that you accept that there is no other god but God and his messenger was Muhammed.

 

Unless you are about to tell us how you two have shared ham and wine over the years.

 

Are you saying just because i betrayed him (which i am not proud of), i should emnbrace islam? I ahve my beliefs and in no way would i fight or compete against his religion. I actually respect his religion given the fact that i ahve lived with muslims before but i wnat to be where i am for now...

 

also i do not drink and neither do i eat HAM or any prok products for as long as i have lived... Thats the way i was brought up.

 

I dont think i would be a problem to him, neither would my religion because it is not as demanding as islam is...i just dont know why he thinks he will convince me in the future to convert and i hate to think that we might eb fighting about this in the future...

[taiko]

Are you saying just because i betrayed him (which i am not proud of), i should emnbrace islam? I ahve my beliefs and in no way would i fight or compete against his religion. I actually respect his religion given the fact that i ahve lived with muslims before but i wnat to be where i am for now...

 

also i do not drink and neither do i eat HAM or any prok products for as long as i have lived... Thats the way i was brought up.

 

I dont think i would be a problem to him, neither would my religion because it is not as demanding as islam is...i just dont know why he thinks he will convince me in the future to convert and i hate to think that we might eb fighting about this in the future...

I'm saying that with the evidence you've provided so far he has been true to Islam while you have not been true to Christianity. However as a non chaste woman he would be going againsy Islam to marry you at this point so for him to remain right with his faith it becomes more important for you to convert now instead of just raise the kids by his faith and maybe convert later.

 

 

Christianity is every bit as demanding as Islam. More so in some ways, for example it is against Christian principles to be with him in the first place while Muslim men are allowed to be with women of the Book who are not Muslim. Christians just keep the assurance of salvation if they don't live up to Biblical values while Muslims have their pillars and do other set, rote things and hope Allah will be merciful when they fail to meet all the standards of the Holy Koran.

[Vixen763]

you just confused me there...

 

well well....this looks like its gonna get complicated because i aint converting to islam today, neither is it going to be tomorrow. if its gonna be so hard, then i dont know why we are even wasting time on this relationship...

[sb129]

The fact that you can't even get the basic requirements of a good happy long term relationship (fidelity, companionship) down after only two months would be enough of a red flag to delay talking about marriage for now, never mind the fact that you are from different religions.

[taiko]

you just confused me there...

 

well well....this looks like its gonna get complicated because i aint converting to islam today, neither is it going to be tomorrow. if its gonna be so hard, then i dont know why we are even wasting time on this relationship...

What part is confusing. Taking a very liberal definition of chasity, that you are faithful to him alone, until he has been a good Muslim. You have given no evidence to contradict that. Up until now even if you remained a virgin you have been a bad Christian.

 

When you broke with Christian doctrine you lost the ability, the power, to argue that following Christ is better then what he sees as God's fullfilled word from the Prophet Muhhamed.

 

To marry a non Muslim she must be chaste woman of the Book, a Christian or Jew of good character. He now knows you're not, if others find out it will even be more important for you to submit in order for him to remain a good Muslim

[Vixen763]

The fact that you can't even get the basic requirements of a good happy long term relationship (fidelity, companionship) down after only two months would be enough of a red flag to delay talking about marriage for now, never mind the fact that you are from different religions.

 

You seem to make it look like because i committed one sin, it has got to follow me all through my life...My boyfriend ahs moved on from that and we are both trying to work on rebuilding the relationship. Dont tell me, you are refusing to get over it and accept that it happened and its time to move on...If he seems still interested in us planning our maariage, are you saying i should stop him from thinking and talking about jsu because i cheated on him...he knows it...I wonder if that makes sense.

 

The issue on the plate is religion, not my past fidelity

[Vixen763]

 

When you broke with Christian doctrine you lost the ability, the power, to argue that following Christ is better then what he sees as God's fullfilled word from the Prophet Muhhamed.

 

Whatever i ahve done in the past, in my teenage years should not be a determinant to my future and how i want to live in the now... Whatever errors/mistakes we make in life are supposed to guide us as lessons from which to become better people...why should i convert to lslam just because i ahve not been faithful to my religion before...i was 25 years for heaven's sake... why would i change now...i am 28 now...dont you think am older and wiser?

[lonelybird]

Whatever i ahve done in the past, in my teenage years should not be a determinant to my future and how i want to live in the now... Whatever errors/mistakes we make in life are supposed to guide us as lessons from which to become better people...why should i convert to lslam just because i ahve not been faithful to my religion before...i was 25 years for heaven's sake... why would i change now...i am 28 now...dont you think am older and wiser?

Hi, if you are strongly believe in Christ, so you believe in heaven, how do you accept that you two probably will split after death, or you want to convert your bf? or you don't believe in heaven at all?

 

If you are strong believer, did you talk and consult Lord about this matter? I believe he will give you an answer. Believers talk to Lord often

 

I think after the infatuation fade, you two have to have some strong foundation to support your relationship, in the beginning all is easy, we are totally blind, I mean real blind. I always found that couples connect with each other spiritually, "in same river", tend to have a happy and fulfilling relationship.

[VIP]

If she really believes in her god, then it must be a universal god, otherwise it exists only in her imagination. There must be something else that would hold their marriage together besides rules and dogmas.

[norajane]

well well....this looks like its gonna get complicated because i aint converting to islam today, neither is it going to be tomorrow. if its gonna be so hard, then i dont know why we are even wasting time on this relationship...

 

That's why I was telling you that you need to have extensive conversations with him to understand his point of view and so he is clear on your point of view. This issue is not going to go away - if you don't want to convert and he is convinced that he will persuade you to convert, then you are not on the same page as to your future together.

 

You may need to reconsider whether you actually CAN be together under the circumstances. It may be that you can't, and it's best to let it go now rather than 'wasting time on this relationship' that isn't going anywhere.

[sb129]

You seem to make it look like because i committed one sin, it has got to follow me all through my life...My boyfriend ahs moved on from that and we are both trying to work on rebuilding the relationship. Dont tell me, you are refusing to get over it and accept that it happened and its time to move on...If he seems still interested in us planning our maariage, are you saying i should stop him from thinking and talking about jsu because i cheated on him...he knows it...I wonder if that makes sense.

 

The issue on the plate is religion, not my past fidelity

 

Your past sin is quite current given it happened very recently. And as the other posters have stated, fidelity and chastity is very important to your BFs religion, so it does matter.

 

Of course it doesn't have to follow you through your life, but when most unmarried couples sustain infidelity, the LAST thing they start talking about immediately afterwards is marriage. They try and rebuild their relationship and trust FIRST- which usually takes longer than a couple of months.

 

I can get over it, its not my life. You just can't get over the fact that the infidelity is quite a key issue here.

 

What I keep trying to say (and that you keep missing the point of) is why don't you relax, and try and work on your relationship, building the companionship and compatibility rather than rushing into talking about marriage which brings with it a whole new set of issues and pressures.

 

You may find that as you get to know eachother as a partner that in actual fact there are more things than the religion that mean you may not be compatible. I find it very hard to believe that you know eachother well enough as partners after two months.

 

That's why I was telling you that you need to have extensive conversations with him to understand his point of view and so he is clear on your point of view. This issue is not going to go away - if you don't want to convert and he is convinced that he will persuade you to convert, then you are not on the same page as to your future together.

 

You may need to reconsider whether you actually CAN be together under the circumstances. It may be that you can't, and it's best to let it go now rather than 'wasting time on this relationship' that isn't going anywhere.

 

The alternative is this- and I think NJ has made a great point here.

While it contradicts my suggestion above, I agree that the issue is not going to go away, particularly now that it has been brought up.

[Vixen763]

Hi, if you are strongly believe in Christ, so you believe in heaven, how do you accept that you two probably will split after death, or you want to convert your bf? or you don't believe in heaven at all?

 

If you are strong believer, did you talk and consult Lord about this matter? I believe he will give you an answer. Believers talk to Lord often

 

Really thanx about this...I am praying about it and i do know that infatuation does fade and the real issues come out...I am seeking guidance through prayer..

[Vixen763]

That's why I was telling you that you need to have extensive conversations with him to understand his point of view and so he is clear on your point of view. This issue is not going to go away - if you don't want to convert and he is convinced that he will persuade you to convert, then you are not on the same page as to your future together.

 

You may need to reconsider whether you actually CAN be together under the circumstances. It may be that you can't, and it's best to let it go now rather than 'wasting time on this relationship' that isn't going anywhere.

 

 

Norajane, you sorty of echo what is in my mind. I dont want to be wasting both my time and his, if we are headed no where. We have scheduled time this weekend to talk extensively about our religios and how far we can both stretch. I am concerned that, he feels he can let the issue rest for noe and yet i can read it, in his attitude, that he is convinced at one point in time i will "change for him"

[Vixen763]

Your past sin is quite current given it happened very recently. And as the other posters have stated, fidelity and chastity is very important to your BFs religion, so it does matter.

 

Of course it doesn't have to follow you through your life, but when most unmarried couples sustain infidelity, the LAST thing they start talking about immediately afterwards is marriage. They try and rebuild their relationship and trust FIRST- which usually takes longer than a couple of months.

 

Yes yes...I am not trying to run away from the fidelity issue but am trying to move with the flow. My boyfriend was very forgiving and he prefers that we dont bring it up all the time or anytime at all. He feels that he can deal with it, as of when and if it bothers him.

 

Secondly, it is him, that wants to continue talking about our future...He does not want anything to stop what we are already discussing and i did bring up the issue of us going through the fidelity issue first and rebuilding trust...and he asked me if i still did want to settle with him for the future or i was getting second thoughts..

 

When i try not to discuss the future, it sort of makes him feel as though i am the one that is not as committed to the relationship, as he is..

[norajane]

When i try not to discuss the future, it sort of makes him feel as though i am the one that is not as committed to the relationship, as he is..

 

Well, you aren't as committed, are you? I mean, he's operating under the conviction that he WILL persuade you to convert. While you are firm in your belief that you will not convert, and may have to walk away.

 

Think about it - if you stay in this relationship, are you likely to fall deeper and deeper in love? Are you likely to entwine your life with his? And then how will you deal with it when he says: "you will have to convert for us to be married"? Will you feel so much love and like you have started building your life around his that you will comply just to keep him and be with him?

 

That's what he is thinking will happen.

[sb129]

Yes yes...I am not trying to run away from the fidelity issue but am trying to move with the flow. My boyfriend was very forgiving and he prefers that we dont bring it up all the time or anytime at all. He feels that he can deal with it, as of when and if it bothers him.

 

Secondly, it is him, that wants to continue talking about our future...He does not want anything to stop what we are already discussing and i did bring up the issue of us going through the fidelity issue first and rebuilding trust...and he asked me if i still did want to settle with him for the future or i was getting second thoughts..

 

When i try not to discuss the future, it sort of makes him feel as though i am the one that is not as committed to the relationship, as he is..

 

I appreciate this, and I know it can't be easy if this topic is constantly on the table.

 

I am tending to agree with NoraJane. Sometimes relationships that have so many obstacles can get obscured by them. YOu are so determined to overcome the obstacles in the R that you lose sight of why.

 

This has happened to me before, not in the same situation as you, but with a MM- I was so determined to "get" my exMM, that I actually didn't realise that I didn't love him or even like him that much until I had him.

 

Hope this makes sense.

[NoIDidn't]

I know I am late to this thread, and I haven't read it all yet, but I wanted to add something for consideration.

 

I knew a guy long ago that was in and out of mental institutions. His issue. His parents were of different religions and both were pressuring him to pick one. Mom was Muslim, Dad was Christian.

 

His brother and sister didn't have his issue, but they both remarked that their parents made a huge mistake in getting married. And on top of that, both were devout to their particular religion so they don't believe in divorcing, but did fight over what religion the kids should adopt.

 

Just something to think about. It can work. I have an athiest married to a Jew in my family. And a Hindu married to a Christian. I wouldn't do it myself, but it seems to work for them as they avoid discussing their believes with each other in a way that challenges the other to change their beliefs. But in all cases, it is very confusing for the kids because they run the risk of alienating a parent if they choose one over the other of their religions.

[disgracian]

Outside of America and other fundamentalist societies, it isn't so much of an issue because people, on the whole, tend to be less dogmatic about their beliefs and more respectful of others.

 

I have no requirement for my wife to abandon her beliefs and adopt mine, and vice versa. We're different, but we allow those differences to complement each other.

 

While mixing of religion may be painful in some parts of the world due to local attitutudes, I think it's a necessary step to overcoming the siege mentality so many of us have. When children are exposed to different religions (and by exposed I do not mean indoctrinated, just educated) then it lessens the hold that any one of them might have, and they generally grow up with a more balanced and more relaxed attitude to the whole thing.

 

As for a Muslim and a Pentecostal Christian (if I remember correctly), this is probably not going to be easy. The relationship (and especially the raising of children) will require mutual compromise, but who is going to be willing to do this?

 

Cheers,

D.

[Guest]

This is simple.

 

You say you are a Christian... well, if you are, then biblically you are not allowed to marry him because you are not supposed to be unequally yoked. If you do anyway that would be you choosing to go against the Bible. Do you really want to do that? I wouldn't.

 

Plus, you are setting any future children up for a lot of confusion. Christians believe that accepting Jesus as your Savior is the only way to Heaven. Muslim's think Jesus is a prophet, but not a savior. Therefore, if your kids were Muslim, your kids would not go to heaven according to your Christian beliefs. Is this worth the heavy risk? I don't think so.

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but that's the way it is. Good luck and I hope you make the right decision. I will pray for you. God will bless you and bring you the right person to marry if you are stong enough to follow His word. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it.