So it's nearly been a month

[Phumfeinz]

Since I got back from visiting my first love. Full story here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t125660/

 

 

In a nutshell, earlier this year I went to stay for 3 months with a girl I'd known online for over a year. It went really well. When I had to leave she said we'd see each other again at christmas, etc.

 

Anyways, a week after I'd got back she told me she had a new boyfriend. That was... oh about 3 weeks ago. She said it's because I wasn't as emotionally mature as this new guy was (I'm 19, he's 26. Go figure. The girl is 18 by the way). He was 'where she is in relationship terms'.

 

We still talk online occasionally, though it's usually her who initiates the conversations. Last week, out of the blue she sent me a video of her in the garden with her daughter. I'm pretty certain that she sent it because she wanted some sort of reaction from me. I just said 'that's pretty good' and changed the conversation.

 

A few days ago I saw a conversation she had been having with my sister. She said that she still loves me and wants to be with me, but I need to change. She said that it was really hard for her to make that decision.

 

It's all just terribly confusing. I still love this girl, so of course when I see messages like that it lifts my spirits and makes me feel better. There's a part of me that assumes that this is all part of some big plan. That she doesn't want to risk ruining the chance of having a healthy, long relationship with me, so she's waiting for me to change into a better person. (She is correct by the way. I look back on how I acted sometimes and well, it's pretty shameful. Some leniency though please, it was my first relationship).

 

It's just a matter of time I guess. It's just hard. I can't stop my mind from filling with all these memories. She is still the only thing I think about. All day, every day.

[catrocks]

It's going to take time to get over it, and honestly I don't think she is helping that by initiating conversations with you. From your posts it seems that she is totally messing you around - she has a bf but then she still loves you but... blah blah. You seem like a nice guy and you deserve more than her.

 

She honestly sounds high maintainance, and selfish. Tell her to stop contacting you so you can get over her and find someone who will treat you as you should be treated.

 

I know breakups are tough, but you will get over it. Just give it time and I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Phumfeinz]

I've just been finding it really hard this past week, I have no idea why. When she first told me she was with someone else I took it really well. But... this past week I've been really down about it all.

 

I just find myself reminiscing over everything.

 

I just nearly, very nearly, sent her a message telling her I miss her and I love her. I came here instead though.

 

Sigh

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

You did the right thing to come here instead of sending that message.

 

This is how the break-up / healing process goes - unfortunately, there is no way to really take the sting out of it. It will hurt, it is part of the process of moving on. You will have these phases of relapse and remission. Just try your best to hold up during the phases of relapse, and not give in. Don't undo the progress you've made so far.

 

It's just been a month, and for that short time-frame, I think you're doing good. You don't have to reply to her messages to you, though. You're not obligated to do that in any way. You have to understand that her pinging you every now and then, is only to get you to pay attention to what she's upto.

 

About you having second thoughts: understand that we're all great at tricking ourselves into believing things that make us feel good. What has happened so far is NOT part of some great plan, and she is certainly not going to come back because one day "she'll be unable to hold back her feelings of love for you". If she comes back, it will be because of some other ulterior motive.

 

By the way, she's only 18 and she already has a daughter? Not to sound preachy and prejudiced, but that speaks a lot about the choices she's made in life.

 

Stay strong and move on.

[Road Rage]

Phumfeinz

 

The way this gal notified you she has a new boyfirend is the deal breaker. Just like that your are out and he`s in. Then in hindsight she tells you if you change maybe you are the one.

 

She is just messing with your mind now. You are out the picture and she nothing more than a girl playing emotional games. And 18 is so young it is not at all surprising. Don`t expect some level of maturity out of her anymore than yourself.

 

If she was really mature and handled it correctly, she would have been right up front about you neeing to change without another guy being in the picture. If she loved you she would have given you the chance to change.

 

This sort of mind game scenario is quite common and it would seem to me you need to go no contact with her or she may drag you around for a long time.

[HairMetalChik]

you know that song "headgames"?? it seems to me thats what she is doing with you,shes the one that wanted this other guy, shes the one that has to face the consequences. if you take her back b4 ya know it she will be going back and forth with this little game, its not worth it...there are plenty more fish in the sea out there thats even better for you, you just dont see it yet because your letting this little girl play and dance around in your head, its her fault for what she did, now she has to live with it, dont let her drag you down into it, and yes im sure you do love her, but remember what she said..."your too immature" shes the one thats immature. but newho just think about that one, dont let anyone change you, especially her.