how to put up with?

[jamieileana]

i know and i accept the fact that people have moods, they get cranky, irritable, etc...

 

but how much do you think is too much and if one wants to leave someone because of it, does that show lack of support for that person?

 

i'm really confused about this because he get's cranky then acts like everything is okay just a second later.

 

this hurts me and confuses me to the point that i feel like smacking him!

 

i try to remind myself that there is so much good in him when he get's this way but at times i just feel that his moods and or words and or sarcasm that come's along with him when he get cranky are a direct attack on me.

 

even if i know it has nothing to really do with me directly, maybe it is work, family, he's hungry, tired etc...

 

i still take it as a personal attack, so maybe that is part of the problem and if i did not feel that way, it would be okay.

 

otherwise i feel like he is always attacking me even when he is just having a bad day.

 

i think when people are cranky they need not take it out on loved one's but should just go off by themselves until they have settled down.

 

so what do you think? do you i am wrong when i want to leave and show's no support of him?

 

or how much should one put up with?

[Tony T]

You don't support someone by putting up with their crap to the point that your life is unpleasant. Immediately eliminate all people from your life when the aggravation they administer outweighs the joy or is so overwhelming that your life is not a happy one.

 

Do this for yourself...not someone else. If you aren't happy with the way you are treated, get away. If this guy hurts your feelings on a frequent basis, being around him is not worth it...no matter how nice he is after these episodes.

 

It sounds like he has a real problem and it shouldn't be yours.

[Just A Girl2]

You wrote:

 

but how much do you think is too much and if one wants to leave someone because of it, does that show lack of support for that person?

 

Where is it written that a partner in a relationship has to "support" someone's crankiness and rudeness? If his crankiness and sarcasm and whatever else is making you so unhappy that you're here writing about it, admitting that when he gets like this you want to "smack him" (that shows it obviously bothers you tremendously), the fact that the thought of leaving him has entered your mind....don't you think that's ample proof that you don't have to take this?

 

So what if someone has many good qualities. That's fine and dandy, but if their negative qualities make you miserable and nothing ever changes and it gets to the point where you contemplate leaving them, then don't you think that's a big neon sign telling you that you're not in the right relationship/not with the right person?

 

I personally would never put up with someone who was moody and cranky and easily irritated, or however you describe. Doesn't sound like a very even-keeled relationship to me. Sounds like there's lot of tension and stress on your part. So it's totally up to YOU to do something about it. You have to be the one to weigh the good and the bad. Can you continue in a relationship like this for the next 5, 10 or 25 yrs? There's a very good chance he's never going to change...so can you accept that? If not, then you have to make the choice to either stay and deal with it, or have some self respect and get out. It's totally up to you and there's no reason you should have to 'support' someone whose moodiness and sarcasm and crankiness makes you unhappy.

[jamieileana]

this is a scenario that played out today and i need to see if i am/was wrong with this:

 

i have a cell phone with verizon and one with voicestrea, (long story), my daughter uses the v-stream, i used the verizon.

 

my contract is up on my verizon the end of april, so i am going to switch both of us to my v-stream account to eliminate one bill.

 

so, i work two parttime jobs, and i pay the utilities, however my hours at one job were drastically cut the last two weeks and in fairness or the goodness of his heart, he paid the high heat bill of $184.00 because he knew i really didn't have the money.

 

to yesterday i bought a v-stream phone for $49.00 to change over to v-stream as i had told him i was going to do soon.

 

i told him about it last night and he didn't say much about it, then this a.m. he totally went off on me about so many things i had no idea he was even thinking about or mad at me about!

 

i am very hurt by things that he said and i understand his positiion on buying this phone and not paying the utilities, but he totally offered to pay the heat bill and that was a week ago so i obvioiusly was not even thinking about that.

 

i am going to take the phone back to make him happy so he wont be mad at me.

 

so he said somethings that had nothing to do with the phone, like that i have not even cleaned the house in days, and that is such BS, and that all i do is complain, i don't see that either, and that i am NOT his mommy nor his queen and all i do is tell him what to do!

 

i was so shocked by all these acussations that i didn't even know what to think.

 

he left these as messages on my cell phone because i did not have my phone turned on and he could not reach me anyway.

 

i feel so angry yet hurt. seems he is having a bad day? i don't know.

 

do people speak their true feelings when they are angry?

i wish i knew.

 

any advise here?

[Just A Girl2]

I don't see this situation you've posted being all that different than the thread you recently posted, something along the lines of "How do I put up with?"......my response to you there applies to this post here. You are in the driver's seat and have to decide why you put up with this and what you're going to actually do about it.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Well, which was more important? Getting the heating bill paid or getting a new phone? I understand that you want to have just one cell phone company to deal with, but could that new phone have been purchased at a latter time when you heating bill wasn't so high? Was the cost of the phone more than the cost of one of your monthly phone services?

 

As far as people saying things when they are angry, very much so. It seems like he (whoever he is, I'm assuming this is your mate) was holding alot of things in. Some people do that until they can't take it anymore and they blow up. Some people are always very vocal about how they feel. Whatever he said, it needs to be addressed. All the things he said you do or do not do, you need to sit down and talk about them. Because even if he were in a bad mood and just blew up and let it go when he's in a good mood, it's how he feels secretly, and it bothers him.

[jamieileana]

the continue saga of our fight over my getting the new cell phone because i was switching cell phone carriers to a better cost plan one.

 

well that day he was extremely pist at me for it because i pay utility bills and my hours had already been cut to a minimal parttime.

 

i fully understand his point on the phone and i even returned it. but before that he had said some really very very hurtful things to me.

 

well i had decided that i had had enough of his remarks so i was determined to leave the state and move back home with my neice.

 

so i did not call work, i was going to get on a grey hound bus that evening at 6:00, i was to be to work at 4:00.

 

instead i did not care, i did not call nor go in. i just did't even care.

 

so in the end i chickened out, and didn't leave him. so the consequences of my own actions costed me my job!

 

a job i enjoyed, but did not like the late evening hours.

so now i amdown to one job, which i am thank ful for just the same.

 

now i feel that i quit my job for nothing, and that if i don't leave then it was really all for naught.

 

then again i watch all this war stuff, and i feel thankful for what i have, that ihave a home, a family, and someone who really does love me, but says mean and hurtfull things from time to time.

 

he knows i lost my job because of all this and is deeply remorseful, he has apologized again and again for this.

 

i know he feels very bad about it all and about allthat he said, still i have a lingering feeling of wondering if i lost my job for nothing does it make sense to stay still?

 

would it be justifiable to leave someone because ilost my job?

i don't know, i'm so very confused right now.

 

he was such an angel this morning, made breakfast for all of us, my granddaughter spent the night, so he made us all breakfast, and that was so very sweet.

 

i would like to hear some opininos on all of this, please?

[Ally Boo]

I'm just goin on a hunch here, but you seem to react instead of act. You need to think long and hard before you make a decision. Weigh out the pros and the cons and then go with the right decision. Don't let other things distract you from doing the right thing.

 

If moving with your niece was something you really wanted to do, you probably would have saved some money (since you obviously don't have enough for bills....its ok neither do I) to actually leave this guy.

 

In my opinion, you had no intention of leaving him, and were just playing a game. Probably telling him you were leaving....then when he didn't react how you wanted to, you decided to stay. This is very immature. Actually, a lot of what I've read that you've done is immature.

 

It doesn't make you a bad person, just kinda flighty. So instead of acting on emotions and responding, sit, let things settle, and after you've calmed down, calmly speak to each other and work out your problem.

 

This isn't the 5th grade.

[jamieileana]

i never said a word to him about any of this.

i was so mad at him that i was just going to

leave.

 

since he had such a high opinion of me, i felt

he would then be better off without me anyway.

 

so i felt too that i would be doing him a favor by

leaving him.

 

i don't know what is so immature that you said i am doing?

i didn't really do anything that immature.

 

i'd be interested in knowing which part you think is immature.

i'm very open to growing and learning and some of our

best resources to help us with that is un-biased opinions.

 

so please tell me what you think was so immature in this post or the other one's.

 

perhaps you've mis-understood some things in them too.

[Ally Boo]

1) Neglecting a utility bill in order to get something extra (a cell phone) is immature. I understand that in the end it was to save money, but since your hours are cut, (and now gone) it would have been ideal to make sure you had enough money saved for the utilities, before you made an extra purchase.

 

2) Throwing yourself a pity party and neglecting the job that is already precious to you...and not calling in...says that you have no respect. You don't respect yourself by making a decision and sticking to it, and you don't respect your precious job, or your man for that matter.

 

3) How mature is it for you to just pick up and leave this man who was JUST complaining that you weren't going to be able to put up your half of the bills....so you just LEAVE?

 

4) How mature is it to just decide to leave on a whim? Even roommates have agreements to let the other person know 30 days ahead of time that they are going to leave...and if they can't give you 30 days, they at least give you their half of the money so you aren't totally screwed over.

 

I'm not saying you are a bad person, I just question your judgement skills. Don't worry, I'm not perfect either. I make dumb decisions every day. I'm just trying to point out to you that maybe you should put a little more thought in your actions, instead of just REACTING. ....which is immature.

[midori]

Wise, kind & insightful.

 

Jamieileana, I agree with Ally Boo that your behavior, as described, sounds a bit flighty. Grown-ups have to pay their bills. I would be highly annoyed with anyone -- roommate or boyfriend -- who irresponsibly left me paying more than my share of the bills. And I think it's a bit of a stretch to say that the fight with your boyfriend made you lose your job. That implicitly puts some of the blame on him ... when it does sound like it was 100% your choice to blow off work without calling in. Sure, you had your reasons -- which you later decided not to follow through on.

 

We all make mistakes, all the time. But if you're hoping to learn from yours you need to fully own them, rather than attributing them to circumstances or other people's actions.

[jamieileana]

i appreciate all the time you all took to reply to my pathetic plea.

i re-read all the most starting with mine and they do sound kind of flighty and flimsy.

 

you know when he gets mad at me about things, that is when i he says all these things like he did the other day.

 

he just really let's it all out. i wish he would just tell me what is on his mind instead of letting it build up.

 

half of what he said is not even true and that hurt most of all.

i didn't really totally blame him for losing my job, i think i said because of our fight.

 

i know i made the stupid choices which at the time seemed so ligitimate to do because i was so fed up with his hurting me verbally that i was really determined to go.

 

what stopped me more was knowing the pain that would follow. dumb reason to stay though.

 

the actual cost of the phone was only $49.00 versus $182.00 heat bill.

 

i know i should of waited and that was why i took it back. still he did not need to say all that other stuff to add fuel to the fire, did he?

 

i was thinking to that what people say when they are mad is what they really feel, which really bothers me alot!

 

if that is his case too, then he has such a low and distorted opinion of me that it will be so hard to redeem myself to his liking which is what i feel that i always have to do.

 

he is somewhat controlling in the fact that he uses anger such as with this situation to get me to do what he wants me to do or what he thinks is the right thing to do.

 

anyway, thanks to all of you who posted to me on this. i've got some things to think about here.

 

i just don't know how much more thinking i can do anyway, it hurts, but thanks so much for the honesty and respect for not chewing my head off!

[Ally Boo]

Originally posted by jamieileana

i was thinking to that what people say when they are mad is what they really feel, which really bothers me alot!

 

 

Jamieileana, I don't agree with this statement. I know for me, if I get angry, I have to work really hard at not saying or doing things out of anger. As a kid, did you ever get mad at your family, or one of the members and told them you hated them...even though you knew you didn't? It's the same concept.