Depressed regarding story about ex-boyfriend

[uniqueone]

There's a guy I was involved with for a long time awhile back....we lived together too. At one point, I thought he was the one. It was good at times and very rocky at others and the rocky times became more often. It turns out he was an alcoholic and his behavior changed for the worse when he drank. He cheated on me several times and when I finally caught him, I ended it. That's the short version.

 

A few years later he looked me up and we became friends. He was seeing a girl he met online and she was only 17 (he was 32). Not long after, she turned 18. Her parents thought he was great. She idolized him. He told me one day (after seeing her for 3 months) that he was going to break up with her because she was too young. Right after that, she told him she was pregnant. I think she sensed he was going to end it and forgot to take the ol' pills. When I told him this, he told me he had a hunch about that too.

Her parents were thrilled (weird parents, huh?) and pushed for the wedding and so they got married. Then she got pregnant again (neither had very good jobs either). The last I saw him, he'd shown me pictures of the new baby. Then we lost touch. I think I was going through a down time and that's something he could never handle.

 

I think that was about 4 years ago.

 

I was reading the paper yesterday and saw his name. It was listed in an article on people caught for child pornography recently. Now I know him and he's no child porn kind of guy. So I researched it more online and found out that he'd met a 16 year old through MySpace and had sex with her so was being charged with statuatory rape. Apparently he'd also made a video of it once. The paper said that making a production carries a sentence of 15 years minimum.

 

I feel so depressed now. He's not a child porn criminal. He's stupid and he's a drunk and he's got mental problems....but he's not a child porn sicko.

 

She was 16 and there are 16 year old girls on MySpace that are pretty aggressive. (I just had an instance at work where this young girl had taken some very, very pornagraphic pictures of herself and was sending them to people on MySpace--and she had stored the pictures on her computer at work!)

 

Yes, he is the adult and he's supposed to know better and not go out meeting a 16 year old but I think that in some ways, he's a 16 year old himself. I think that the reason that he meets the teenagers is because they're the ones who look up to him. He knows that other women don't.

 

I feel like I should do something....speak up and say that he's no sex offender. But I don't know if that would do any good and would that make things worse for me? I could call his brother and see if there's anything I could do but in a way, I'm afraid to, because the more details I know about this, the more depressed I get about it.

 

He tried to kill himself a few times before--at least once when he was dating me. He spent time in a mental institution because of it and because he did it in a way that was public..and also illegal.

 

Basically what happened was that wanted to die and he was driving around and someone he knew told the police so they went after him...and he tried to outrun them. And he was drinking. And there was a car chase and he got out and held a gun to his head and pulled the trigger but it didn't go off--it got stuck. Then a cop jumped on him. They took him to a hospital. I visited him everyday. They were going to move him to jail. I knew he couldn't handle jail so I did everything I could to get him into a different mental health facility and have him do community service. I succeeded.

 

Anyway, this guy shouldn't be in a jail. He should be in a mental institution. I wonder if I should do anything to help.

[starlite]

Ok, he was 32 so now he must be at least 36...sleeping with a 16 year old is wrong, immoral and disgusting for a man his age to do. He is a pervert. No matter what you say to any authority it wont matter. They will just look at you and think "this poor girl is in love with a perv". Which he is!'

 

Stay away. I do agree he has mental problems, and they stem way beyond suicide...they involve a grown adult needing intamacy with a child. Here that...A CHILD!!!!! And taping it, he belongs in jail. I would be sick if I had a 16 year old child who slept with a almost 40 year old. Or even 30!

 

And i dont care if she begged and danced naked for him...An adult says no...go home, do your homework.

 

Stay away from this sicko!

[uniqueone]

Ok, he was 32 so now he must be at least 36...sleeping with a 16 year old is wrong, immoral and disgusting for a man his age to do. He is a pervert. No matter what you say to any authority it wont matter. They will just look at you and think "this poor girl is in love with a perv". Which he is!'

 

Stay away. I do agree he has mental problems, and they stem way beyond suicide...they involve a grown adult needing intamacy with a child. Here that...A CHILD!!!!! And taping it, he belongs in jail. I would be sick if I had a 16 year old child who slept with a almost 40 year old. Or even 30!

 

And i dont care if she begged and danced naked for him...An adult says no...go home, do your homework.

 

Stay away from this sicko!

 

He's not really a pervert....he's mentally their age. Well, not mentally but developmentally. Psychologically he's a teenager in many ways.

 

You mentioned if you had a child who was 16......

 

When he was dating the 17 year old a few years ago, you should have heard what he told me about her parents. First of all, the mother didn't care how old he was...she thought he was great. Can you believe a mom being all for a 32 year old dating her 17 year old?

And one time, the girl had on this fancy dress because they were going out somewhere and it was sleeveless. The mom said "Now he's got more places to give you hickies." My ex was shocked that a mom would say this. I was too.

 

That 17 year old had already slept with 12 guys when he had met her. My ex had told me that she thought they really liked her and that she wasn't a sl*t. I got to know her and she didn't seem like one. I have to admit that my ex was the first guy who didn't just sleep with her and dump her right away.

 

(Just to be clear, the person I was just talking about was not the current person--two different girls. The 17 year old is the one who got pregnant and he ended up marrying.)

 

Anyway, my point is that not all parents think it's awful. There are enough parents out there that actually encourage this kind of behavior in their kids. And it's because of this that the kids aren't always so innocent.

 

Still, he's the adult and is supposed to know better. But....he's really not an adult....

[starlite]

He's not really a pervert....he's mentally their age. Well, not mentally but developmentally. Psychologically he's a teenager in many ways.

 

You mentioned if you had a child who was 16......

 

When he was dating the 17 year old a few years ago, you should have heard what he told me about her parents. First of all, the mother didn't care how old he was...she thought he was great. Can you believe a mom being all for a 32 year old dating her 17 year old?

And one time, the girl had on this fancy dress because they were going out somewhere and it was sleeveless. The mom said "Now he's got more places to give you hickies." My ex was shocked that a mom would say this. I was too.

 

That 17 year old had already slept with 12 guys when he had met her. My ex had told me that she thought they really liked her and that she wasn't a sl*t. I got to know her and she didn't seem like one. I have to admit that my ex was the first guy who didn't just sleep with her and dump her right away.

 

(Just to be clear, the person I was just talking about was not the current person--two different girls. The 17 year old is the one who got pregnant and he ended up marrying.)

 

Anyway, my point is that not all parents think it's awful. There are enough parents out there that actually encourage this kind of behavior in their kids. And it's because of this that the kids aren't always so innocent.

 

Still, he's the adult and is supposed to know better. But....he's really not an adult....

 

Her parents have issues. That girl has issues. I guess I am speaking for parents and people who raise/or will raise there kids right.

 

And, although i understand he has the mentality of a child...he is an adult, which makes him a child molester and a pervert. I agree that he belongs in a mental facility...but he's still a perv.

 

You need to stay away i think. This is a mess that i just, well, sickening! To me atleast. Dont defend him. I know you care for him and you feel you want to help...but there is nothing you can do.

[woodsfield]

just to reiterate:

he is sick

he should go to jail and/or mental hospital

YOU will only lose if you get involved

i don't think you can help any of these people (victims or the accused)

you need not to be labeled as a defender of a child rapist, NO MATTER WHAT, in this day-in-age.

run, don't walk, away from this one!

[Ssheena]

I understand you wanting to do something and feeling bad for him. However, even though he may only be 16 or 18 or whatever mentalitywise, it doesn't in anyway make what he did inexcusable.

 

I agree he needs to be in a mental institute or be getting some serious therapy for all his issues. Attempted suicide, drinking to excess, fasination with younger girls.

 

At some point, people have to accept responsibility for their own actions.

 

Perhaps you could be a character witness in his trial and explain what you know about him and his behavior/mental state.? I am not suggesting coming to his rescue or getting involved with him in any way at all but at least you would be shedding light on his personality/him to people who are only going to get presented with the "facts".

[uniqueone]

I understand you wanting to do something and feeling bad for him. However, even though he may only be 16 or 18 or whatever mentalitywise, it doesn't in anyway make what he did inexcusable.

 

I agree he needs to be in a mental institute or be getting some serious therapy for all his issues. Attempted suicide, drinking to excess, fasination with younger girls.

 

At some point, people have to accept responsibility for their own actions.

 

Perhaps you could be a character witness in his trial and explain what you know about him and his behavior/mental state.? I am not suggesting coming to his rescue or getting involved with him in any way at all but at least you would be shedding light on his personality/him to people who are only going to get presented with the "facts".

 

 

That's exactly what I meant.....a character witness. That's the only kind of involvement I was talking about.

Although, I wonder if the prosecuting attorney would just refute what I say. If they investigate things, they'd find out that he cheated on me, was abusive, etc....and then they'd say how could you defend this persons character?

 

Another reason I'm afraid to is that if I contact his brother to find out if I could do any good, I'm going to find out more details about what he's going to face and that will depress me more. On the other hand, I don't want to live with the idea that I could have done something.

[uniqueone]

Her parents have issues. That girl has issues. I guess I am speaking for parents and people who raise/or will raise there kids right.

 

And, although i understand he has the mentality of a child...he is an adult, which makes him a child molester and a pervert. I agree that he belongs in a mental facility...but he's still a perv.

 

You need to stay away i think. This is a mess that i just, well, sickening! To me atleast. Dont defend him. I know you care for him and you feel you want to help...but there is nothing you can do.

 

If he was 18, would he be considered a child molester and a pervert?

[uniqueone]

You know, this situation is interesting because we have a thread on here about a 40 year old woman and an 18 year old boy and, while several people say that her situation is wrong, no one was calling her a pervert or a child molester.

 

(yes, I know one was 16 and one was 18 but that's not much of a difference).

[Ssheena]

All the things you know about him would be going into what you say about him and it wouldn't be defending his character it would be explaining how you view his character which if I'm not mistaken, is kinda messed up and not "normal" .

[uniqueone]

What people don't understand is how the mentally ill get to be this way. What happens to the mentally ill whose families turn their backs on them?

 

I hate to think about this because it's painful to me but I will to type this out. When I first met him he lived with someone out in the country but he was from the city and his family was here and that's where he worked. So he only went to his country home sometimes (he lived with another person). He spent some nights in his car during the winter and it was bitter cold. I lived with my folks at the time so I couldn't always let him stay at my house.

 

Then, after we broke up and I told him to leave, he couldn't afford the apartment that he had gotten anymore and once again ended up spending the winter in his car. He parked in front of his parents house and they knew he was out there but ignored him. It was freezing outside.

 

He started cutting himself. He had no insurance to get mental help so I got him into a place that took people without insurance but it was a lengthly process. Sometimes he'd miss appointments....he wasn't good at remembering as he had ADD as well. I couldn't be there all the time.

They got annoyed when he'd forget appointments since they had other people who wanted to use their services.

 

Then, they found out he drank a lot. They told him that they couldn't treat the depression until he stopped drinking because they don't know which is the drinking and which is mental. Well how does he stop the drinking when he's depressed and obviously using alcohol to self-medicate? If he tries to stop drinking, he get depressed and not only that, is going through withdrawal too. There were times that a dr. would give him antidepressants but then he'd drink too and it seemed like it made him worse. I don't know if it was the added alcohol or if it was just that they had him on the wrong type of medicine.

 

When I saw him a few years ago, he seemed pretty good and he was on a few types of medicine that he told me about.

 

People don't realize how it's not so easy for some people to get help. Had he not had me to try to cut through all the red tape involved, there would be no way he would have gotten anywhere with treatment at all.

[sb129]

Uniqueone, I agree with Ssheena.

 

While I don't condone his behaviour at all, I do know how many underage girls are on myspace who either lie about their ages, or look and 'act' much much older than they are.

 

But if these girls are contacting grown men, it is up to the men to extricate themselves from these sticky situations.

Personally, I can't see the appeal of a teenager. My BF is a high school teacher, and the girls he teaches (whilst dressing and trying to act like they are 30) are irritating more than anything! the boys are even more so- an 18 year old doesn't appeal whatsoever!

 

I can however see that a troubled person such as your ex would fall into the trap of having a young girl looking up to them.

He really does sound like he needs professional help, not jail. Maybe there could be some sort of plea bargain?

 

If you are comfortable with being a character witness, then i think you should look into it. As sheena says, you aren't defending his actions, you are simply portraying him in a different light.

 

i agree that there are double standards re: may-december relationships.

Sad, but true.

[uniqueone]

Uniqueone, I agree with Ssheena.

 

While I don't condone his behaviour at all, I do know how many underage girls are on myspace who either lie about their ages, or look and 'act' much much older than they are.

 

But if these girls are contacting grown men, it is up to the men to extricate themselves from these sticky situations.

Personally, I can't see the appeal of a teenager. My BF is a high school teacher, and the girls he teaches (whilst dressing and trying to act like they are 30) are irritating more than anything! the boys are even more so- an 18 year old doesn't appeal whatsoever!

 

I can however see that a troubled person such as your ex would fall into the trap of having a young girl looking up to them.

He really does sound like he needs professional help, not jail. Maybe there could be some sort of plea bargain?

 

If you are comfortable with being a character witness, then i think you should look into it. As sheena says, you aren't defending his actions, you are simply portraying him in a different light.

 

i agree that there are double standards re: may-december relationships.

Sad, but true.

 

 

Yeah, I think the appeal is that they look up to him. The one I knew from a few years ago adored him. At that age, all they have to be is good looking (which he is). Plus he had his own place, his own car and they got to feel like an adult.

 

He's never been a horn-dog. In fact, if he's still on antidepressants, it's unlikely he has much of a sex drive. But he does have the sexual mentality of a teenage male. I saw the movie "Knocked Up" last week. BIG MISTAKE! It seems like it was made by 14 year old boys. That's the kind of humor--sexual humor--that was in it. Well, he'd probably think it was funny (then again, so did the critics somehow).