looks vs confidence

[warpSpider]

Hi

Ive been reading these forums for a while now, on and off, so I may have missed this if it came up before...

Im 17 and in college. Some people say im attractive, id say im average maybe, sometimes more, sometimes alot less. An 'aquired taste', but not at all confident, infact im cripplingly shy.

I do realise this may be my problem with finding girls. Ive seen many, many guys that I wouldnt touch with a barge pole, but who are considered 'hot'. Im thinking this is all down to their self confidence, the fact that theyre jocks or whatever.

So my question to you is, how important would you say confidence is compared to looks?

Feel free also to differentiate between confidence derived from genuine good looks, natural popularity, working out or such like.

Im wholly interested in peoples opinions.

thanks!!

[luvstarved]

Hi warpspider, welcome to loveshack.

 

I am happy to give you my opinion. I am a48 year old female who has lived a very rich romantic life. I have been married twice, lived with 5 different men, and had probably right around 100 lovers (lost count!)

 

The qualities you speak of are door-openers, for sure. I would describe the magical triad as looks, confidence and charisma. To cut to the chase, I would say that confidence is the number one of these in terms of success with getting and keeping women.

 

My opinion is based on having dealt with men who have had various combinations of these traits...or none of them. But it is just my experience and one thing I have learned is not to judge any individual by their "cover".

 

What has been GENERALLY true in my experience is that looks alone will make you more successful at getting into bed with women. It will not make you more successful at keeping them. In general in my experience really good looking guys tend to be worse lovers. My theory is that they don't have to try harder, so they don't. So this trait alone will only take you so far...and for me personally, by itself is not much of an attraction.

 

How to differentiate confidence and charisma? Well, confidence to me is about self-esteem and inner strength. Charisma is some "je ne sais quoi" thing that some people have that just draws people to them and can be for any of a multitude of reasons. Not all confident people have charisma, but it does seem that people who have charisma also have confidence.

 

I have not seen any correlation, direct or inverse, between looks and the other two. But confident guys do seem to attract more women, however they look, and the top getters are those that also have charisma.

 

I also have not observed any correlation between charisma and innate quality as a human being. I have known really nice guys who were charismatic and guys that were major d**ks who were charismatic. They all get girls, anyway.

 

My first husband was confident and charismatic but nothing special to look at. He was utterly fantastic in bed...but knew it and insisted on an open marriage. One of my friends actually came and told me one time that he overheard two women in town talking, where one was recommending my husband to the other as a lover. So apparently word was spread. He was in the major d**k category of charisma so I eventually left him.

 

Having said all that, I repeat that you can't judge any individuals on first impressions. I would say that chances are, women whom you encounter who are super hot, and/or vain, dressed to the nines, all made up, supermodel wannabe types are probably not looking for your shy ass. And you probably wouldn't be happy with them anyway since your making this post is an indicator that you are not a shallow superficial jerk looking for arm candy.

 

However, people do have different tastes and just because you might not be "classically handsome", if you are in the range of average, there will be people out there who find you particularly attractive, because they like your kind of smile or hair or butt or whatever. These will probably also be people in the range of average, and I presume that there are physical characteristics within that range that you too find particularly appealing. Those are your targets, dude.

 

Anyway those are my observations, such as they are. It is okay to be shy, but it is very hard to be noticed that way. That's the truth. You have to be true to yourself for the most part, but there are ways that you can increase your confidence. I will also add that quiet confidence works as well as the loud variety, although again it is harder to get noticed!

 

Look inward and reflect on your strengths. Do things to highlight them, to yourself as well as others. Remember it is your inward view that creates confidence the most. Push yourself a little, take a class that has a lot of interaction or pushes you to put yourself out there, like writing...speech, drama, art, or anything you can think of that will help "display" you more.

 

Buy some books on how to win friends and influence people and all that crap. They might sound like psychobabble crap but many of them have good food for thought and suggestions. You want to be who you are, but a more confident you is even better.

 

My last thought to share is this: the overriding rule of thumb here is that if you come across as happy and confident with yourself, people can see themselves being happy and secure to be around you. If you act like you don't think much of yourself, then they won't think much of you either.

 

"What Women Want" is an impossible question to answer, there's just too damn many of us. But no matter what, your best shot at success with finding women you want to be with is to work on becoming a man that you want to be with. Unless you are buttugly or stupid, the rest will follow!

 

PS I think using the 'net is a good way to talk to people anonymously, let them get to know you, etc. Even if you don't find someone that way, it is good practice. The world is full of resources. Go get you some.

[monkey00]

I think one's confidence can easily be altered by the state of mind they're in...While it's possible to have a general certainty of confidence daily there are occasions where we might not.

 

For example: you can be confident in playing basketball, but have lack of confidence while playing soccer. Or you can be confident talking to an average looking person but not so much if that person is someone you find attractive - in this instance fear of rejection comes into play.

 

I think to attain an overall sense of confidence, is to stay well-rounded as a person. That way in any kind of environmental situation, the chances of you being stressed mentally will likely be slim.

 

As for looks, people assume good looking people are confident - which isnt always the case. I've met all types of people in all forms of shapes and sizes who had differing levels of confidence and self-esteem.

[JCD]

I noticed that a lot of girls that act that they're confident and have that tough front actually are quite shy once you get to know them. I think deep down inside I realized that the reason I was shy with certain kind of girls is because I did not want to be with them eventhough I found them attractive. I had no problems talking with other girls that I found somewhat attractive but their personality meshed with mine and that's why I felt at ease around them. Again, you kind of have to observe a girl and see how she behaves and then if you want to get to know her better, it won't be a problem for you since you want to be with her. My shyness was probably a gut instinct to stay away from certain women.

[yongyong]

Good Looking people might have more confidence than average people.

But I don't think those hot, cocky girls are necessarily more confident than others.

 

I think confidence can give you a premium on the top of looks.

(there is a limit in chaning looks but for confidence? sky is the limit)

If you are 300lbs fat guy, you can either hate yourself and staying home,

or you still can have many friends around you by changing attitudes. (it might be hard to get a hot girl though,realistically)

I think it's important to keep it at medium level

If you don't groom yourself at all but still think you are the best, that's over confidence.

 

When people say you are just fine but if you think you are a ugly loser, that's no confidence.

[halfarock]

When I was 17 I was also incredibly shy. However, I was good looking enough (I was also a jock, if that matters) that there were several girls who liked me, who had crushes on me. It didn’t take long to realize that many girls would just naturally like me. It gave me a great deal of confidence in approaching girls, and later women.

 

Confidence comes with successes. Whatever anyone is truly confident in, it is from the firm knowledge that they can do it well. Daily, I can go out and get women to like me. In this respect my confidence is through the roof, but it is a result, in large part, because of my looks - also possibly that I look confident.

 

Shyness is a form of emotional armor and there is a great deal of comfort in that protection. In many ways it defines who we are, our level of shyness. But shyness doesn’t let others in, not really. But, you know, there is a comfort with certain women that far exceeds the comfort of receding. So while many people may characterize me, in part, as being shy, I’m very confident my girlfriends, potential girlfriends, and want to be girlfriends never would.