being a couple and having friends

[halfarock]

There is this woman who is married who I have been good friends with for almost three years. Actually we are more than just friends. We know each other through our respective professions and typically only see each other in that capacity. For the sake of this discussion, let’s call her Bea. By what I read, we must be having an emotional affair, though I’m not convinced that there is such a thing.

 

Anyhow, the other day I was talking with a mutual acquaintance and she started telling me about Bea and her husband. That he controls every aspect of her life. That she eats nothing while at work because when he comes to pick her up he smells her breath and she gets “in trouble” if he smells anything on her breath. She doesn’t drive as he won’t let her, preferring to drive her everywhere. And now the kicker; she is not allowed to have friends. This is entirely believable as Bea often acts, with me, as if she is starved for a friend.

 

This comes after a comment my Trialbyfire on another thread got me to researching on the internet about what normal healthy marriages are suppose to be like. Quite confusing to me is the idea that it is common and quite acceptable, even desirable for married couples to not have any real friends outside of their marriage, other than other couples. One marriage “expert” was even saying that friendships with others can often be seen as cheating. The idea being that anything said in confidence, to anyone other than one’s spouse, is to deny the spouse that confidence. That one can only share their secrets with their spouse. IMO this is all messed up.

 

Even with non-married couples I’ve seen this pattern that as a couple grows closer, they tend to grow distant from all others. I don’t understand why this must be so. My friend, the mutual acquaintance that I mentioned earlier, was telling me that she is going to break up with her boyfriend precisely because he has such a problem with her having friends, and especially friends like me. As for Bea, I’m going to continue being her friend.

 

I just don’t understand why so many people think that to be a couple requires the distancing or shedding of friends.

[lonelybird]

Depend on how much they trust their partner and their relationship.

 

If they trust their relationship and their partner deeply, let's say 100%, they probably will not mind their partner have friends; if they don't trust so much, like 1%, then they will fear and try to control.

 

why are they insecure? there are many reasons: could be their partner cheated before; could be they themselves have issues. but one sure answer is their relationship has problems.

 

It is hard to tell if you just listen one side story, isn't it?:confused:

[Trialbyfire]

There is this woman who is married who I have been good friends with for almost three years. Actually we are more than just friends.

I rest my case. Btw, I'm not your Trialbyfire...

[halfarock]

I rest my case. Btw, I'm not your Trialbyfire...

Okay, "by Trialbyfire"

[Trimmer]

I think one useful dividing line of what is a safe or healthy friendship in a case like this is whether you can be a "friend of the marriage" as well as a friend of the person. I am friends with one couple - with each person individually, as well as feeling like I am a friend of the family and a friend of the marriage. I see nothing wrong with this. I am also friends with another couple where I am much "closer", if you will, with the woman than with her husband, however, I still consider myself a friend of the marriage as well.

 

It's a little subtle what I mean by this, but what I think it boils down to is that in both people's minds and hearts, the marriage comes first. The marriage takes priority. It doesn't mean a married person can't have friends, but they need to keep their priorities straight, and that can be hard to do, especially if a married person is getting some emotional needs met through the friendship which are lacking in the marriage.

 

Here's another dividing line that I think is important: is the friendship, or any significant part of it, being kept a secret from the married partner? Again, in a normal healthy married relationship, I don't see why you can't have friends, but I think secrecy is a warning sign. Now, you may say "well, she's got a controlling husband, so that's why she has to keep it a secret..." which is an understandable rationalization, but isn't it a little like playing with matches in a dry forest? If there is a pathology within their marital relationship, is having a "secret" friend to fill that void going to be any contribution toward a healthy solution, or is it just building up tinder for the eventual firestorm?