My Wife found out about me

[mattym]

My behaviour has been terrible

 

My Wife and i have been together 7 years, married last 3 and have 2 wonderful young children

 

We have a nice house, kids are great and I am in a well-paid job with responsibility

 

For the last 3 months I have been having an affair with a co-worker, who is 6 years younger than my W and has no kids etc

 

Like all things, I never intended this to happen- the attraction for this woman made me feel so alive - like watching a B&W movie and someone turned the colour on. It's hard to describe, but it became addictive

 

When I met the OW she had a boyfriend. She told me there was no spark with them, nothing sexual ever happened and she was unhappy. A month or so after meeting me she dumped him, and kept mentioning all the things she was thinking about us - a future together where my kids came and stayed with us, where we had great holidays..even marriage for us.

 

I was having my cake and eating it, so i went along with it. On the way home i would always tell myself ' no way could I leave my W and Kids'

 

I still went back for more though

 

My friends told me that this woman would get P** off waiting for me and would put pressure on me to make a decision, which she did by withdrawing affection and suggesting she 'walk away' - by then though I was hooked on the good feelings of feeling like Casanova so tried to keep both happy

 

2 weeks ago my W found out by checking my phone and finding a text message from the OW. I'm not sure why I left my phone lying around- either I became complacent or maybe i wanted her to find it

 

I don't want or expect sympathy, but this double life has been exhausting and I feel I have physically aged in appearance. I've never lied to my wife before and I would buy her things or take her places to almost compensate for being the complete a**hole I have been

 

When my wife found out it was like I'd snapped back from being drunk to being sober. I begged her to forgive me, and assured her that i loved her

 

I'd hurt her terribly and I felt as though I did not deserve to live. Thankfully the kids are too young to realise what's gone on.

 

She has offered to make another go of things, and forgive me, but wants me to move jobs. Things are understanably tense at home

 

Now the problem - the OW is still on my mind

 

Constantly.

 

I was terrified when I thought my life with my W might be over, but even now it seems humdrum copared to the excitement I had. yet, I cannot see myself ever leaving my Wife and not seeing my kids grow up day by day

 

What do I do? Leave my Wife so she can find someone who deserves her trust? Make a go of things with the OW as she's on my mind?

 

If I'm honest having both in my life made me feel complete. I'm not justifying it, just saying how it was. I love my wife, but how can i really love her when i have behaved like this?

 

I'm disgusted with myself for being so shallow, for causing hurt to others and for being so weak and indecisive

 

any advise would be appreciated

 

Matt

[Balalaika]

Sorry to be so blunt... but if what's lacking within yourself and your life is excitement, then take up bungy jumping, skydiving, snowboarding, swimming with sharks, bomb making....

 

Coz that's the only lack I heard this OW is providing for you:

 

the attraction for this woman made me feel so alive

like watching a B&W movie and someone turned the colour on

it became addictive

I was having my cake and eating it, so i went along with it

I was hooked on the good feelings of feeling like Casanova

I'd snapped back from being drunk to being sober

even now it seems humdrum copared to the excitement I had

 

[LucreziaBorgia]

If you are choosing to remain with your wife, the OW has to be utterly and completely out of your life. No contact with her whatsoever, preferably including not even laying eyes on her. That is the only way you will get over her. It will take some time and patience, though. Not to mention some heavy counseling, I'm sure. Have you and your wife talked about the possibility of seeing a counselor together?

[Hard2Think]

Yeah. I sure as hell have been there myself. It's not an easy situation you're in. Not by a long shot.

 

I know your wife said she's ready to make a go of this and all that, but the reality is that she's going to spend quite a bit of time dealing with this. There will be times where she's going to want to divorce you. So the issue of staying vs. going may not necessarily be entirely in your own hands anyway. You'll really need to be 100% engaged with her and the OW is going to have to be completely out of the picture.

 

As to the humdrum of your marriage with your wife. I understand that too. That issue needs to be resolved at some point. Because even if you succeed keeping things together, your life will, at best, be back to what it was .. the same humdrum except maybe now you'll be a year older and you'll be carrying that extra piece of baggage because of what you did.

 

What specifically was the issue with your marriage that made it seem like watching black and white TV?

[mattym]

Thanks for the replies

 

There is no specific thing that made the marriage complacent. I guess just the fact of having 2 young kids close in ages, working long hours and both being tired all the time meant we stopped being a couple. Plus of course relationships don't stand still and what starts as a passionate relationship inevitably moves to something closer to friendship I guess?

 

This other girl is on my mind - when i go to sleep, when i wake up, I wish sometimes I'd never met her.

 

Is it possible that i love them both?

 

I feel like a lovesick kid and that it turn makes me feel pathetic

[OpenBook]

Like all things, I never intended this to happen- the attraction for this woman made me feel so alive - like watching a B&W movie and someone turned the colour on. It's hard to describe, but it became addictive...

 

I was having my cake and eating it, so i went along with it. On the way home i would always tell myself ' no way could I leave my W and Kids'...

 

I was hooked on the good feelings of feeling like Casanova so tried to keep both happy...

 

When my wife found out it was like I'd snapped back from being drunk to being sober. I begged her to forgive me, and assured her that i loved her...

 

Now the problem - the OW is still on my mind

 

Constantly.

 

I was terrified when I thought my life with my W might be over, but even now it seems humdrum copared to the excitement I had. yet, I cannot see myself ever leaving my Wife and not seeing my kids grow up day by day...

 

If I'm honest having both in my life made me feel complete...

 

First of all Matt, THANK YOU SINCERELY for your honesty in "laying it all out on the line" here. Many OW's struggle to understand the MM's thought process in the course of an A, and since there are so few CH's posting on this site, we end up just guessing and pondering and bouncing questions and assumptions back & forth amongst ourselves.

 

Your post provides rare (and much-needed) insights for us, and I hope you will continue to post here.

 

I myself struggle with our society's current expectations of marriage. Is it possible - and fair - to expect both partners to handle the grueling day-to-day responsibilities of a shared life, while also expecting them to keep the passion & attraction alive with each other?

 

Or should we not expect anything more out of M than the "comfortable old shoe" feeling that a successful long-term relationship invariably falls into?

 

So my question to you specifically is this: Is there anything that your W could do to turn on the colors in your black-and-white world?

 

And if she could, would you WANT her to?

 

On another tack, I do believe that if you left your W and took up with the OW, eventually it would settle down into the same humdrum day-to-day routine that you currently have with your W. The excitement just doesn't last - no matter who you end up with.

[tommyr]

Or should we not expect anything more out of M than the "comfortable old shoe" feeling that a successful long-term relationship invariably falls into?

 

So my question to you specifically is this: Is there anything that your W could do to turn on the colors in your black-and-white world?

 

I am pleased to report that it IS possible to recover from a state of "comfortable old shoe" in a long term relationship. I am married 10 years and just a year ago the passion was totally gone... friendly roommates (who frequently argue) would be a good description of where we were. Had sex twice in the prior year.

 

But today I am back to the feeling of goosebumps... excitement... color... and not with another woman but with my very own wife! Let me tell you it is pretty awesome. It feels like I am in a new relationship with a new girlfriend. A flirtateous girlfriend. Who likes sex.

 

How to get here? Well it is mostly in my own HEAD.. Mostly being able to forget all my old resentments and focus on TODAY. Lucky for me, my wife also is willing to put in this effort to rebuild our relationship because it really does take 2. But man it really is worth it.

[OpenBook]

I am pleased to report that it IS possible to recover from a state of "comfortable old shoe" in a long term relationship. I am married 10 years and just a year ago the passion was totally gone... friendly roommates (who frequently argue) would be a good description of where we were. Had sex twice in the prior year.

 

But today I am back to the feeling of goosebumps... excitement... color... and not with another woman but with my very own wife! Let me tell you it is pretty awesome. It feels like I am in a new relationship with a new girlfriend. A flirtateous girlfriend. Who likes sex.

 

How to get here? Well it is mostly in my own HEAD.. Mostly being able to forget all my old resentments and focus on TODAY. Lucky for me, my wife also is willing to put in this effort to rebuild our relationship because it really does take 2. But man it really is worth it.

 

You GO tommy!! I wish your W could post here and share some of HER secrets... (hint hint)

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I have to agree with OB, thanks for the honesty Matt.

 

From an OW point of view...

 

I am the OW and I know my MM is in a very similar situation to yours. I also know that he pines for me a lot but that he thinks he has to do the honourable thing and try to make his M work - which I agree with. I'm sticking around (or should I say moving on slowly) whilst he tries to fix his M. I owe him that opportunity, he owes his W and family that opportunity, but I truly believe in sticking by someone you love, even if in the end you know that your dreams of being together wont materialise.

 

You dont know anything until you've tried, and you certainly dont seem ready to leave your M. You will need to build a lot of trust back up with your W. But if you love her and you want her then you will MAKE it work somehow. How would you know you honestly could move on with the OW if you hadn't tried every avenue of reconciliation with your W? How could your OW trust that you weren't pining for the life you once had?

 

Saying that, it sounds like its going to be a long road ahead of you and you need to be able to be strong enough for both you and your W. Your W will undoubtedly have problems trusting you, will probably fluctuate to wanting to save the M to separating, but these emotions and feelings are what you have brought on her from your A and you need to help her deal with them by being as honest as possible. Marriage counselling could be an ideal arena to discuss these problems.

 

Be honest with your OW too. Some OW have the capability to stretch our understanding, as long as there is honesty involved. Tell her you need to figure out whether your M can still work and tell her you cant figure that one out with her in the picture. Tell her that you love her but that without knowing whether you put 100% into your M or not, you wouldn't be able to move into a new relationship with you. Remember, this OW has been basing her dreams on you - Marriage, Kids, etc. She needs to know where she stands so she can make a decision for herself as to whether she will wait with NC while you reconcile or whether she will move on. She needs closure from you.

 

The question that you need to figure out is a hard one. Was it excitement or was it love? In that you sort of need to figure out what love is to you. If you look into your future, the kids are grown and you and your wife are there, what does that picture look like to you? Alternatively, if you look ten years in the future and your together with OW, what does that picture look like to you - be honest with yourself on this one as that pic will be a "comfortable" relationship by then not a "Cant wait to see you I'm dying of passion" relationship.

 

I'm trying to be as unbiased as poss, but I've never married and those who have will give you a better insight into what you need to think about. But I truly understand the turmoil you are in, I see it in my MM's eyes too.

[mattym]

Thank you for the replies, i have been genuinely bowled over by the compassion here - I never expected that, i expected to be hounded with abuse. I don't deserve compassion. I never meant to hurt anyone, but that's what i'm about to do- whatever happens next

 

I've been thinking about this for months. I love my W and the OW, and how to choose what to do?

 

OW was fun, single so never tied up doing other things, and more adventurous sexually so ( as my friend put it) she was like a mermaid luring me to the rocks!

 

Not her fault though, I'm responsible for my actions. I can't stop thinking about her though, but alarm bells ring too at the same time

 

My W has always been so kind and compassionate- caring and a great Mother to the kids

 

OW told me after several weeks she loved me, wanted to marry me etc. then said if I left W we shouldn't make it known about us for a while

( i guess so she's not seen as a homewrecker)

 

On a related note - do you think ( as I did) these are alarm bells?

 

OW has told me -

 

Every man she's ever been with has left her

 

She left her fiance after falling for someone at work a few years ago( this guy got what he wanted and went back to his long-term GF)

 

Moved in with a guy who'd split from his ex and 8 month old baby only to then get pregnant and have a termination as she wasn't ready to have a child

 

These things made me wonder if this girl is selfish and would I suffer the same, after I've potentially given up EVERYTHING?

 

Matt

[Road Rage]

Matt

 

 

I think your OW has a fear of commitment and intimacy. She is always reaching for the something but not wanting to commit once attained. she has determined the outcome by chosing the wrong men.

 

Look at it this way. You are being taken for a fool. She has nothing at stake to play this game, you do. You are caught up in her big game and the day she thinks she has you is the day she will cange her mind.

 

She is not really selfish, just damaged goods. And she is drawing you and your wife and your two wonderful children into the vortex.

[whichwayisup]

These things made me wonder if this girl is selfish and would I suffer the same, after I've potentially given up EVERYTHING?

 

Ask yourself this. IF the OW wasn't in the picture AT ALL, you two never had an affair...Would you be considering leaving your wife anyway?

 

Sounds like you're suffering from the "grass is greener on the otherside of the fence" syndrome...Yes, the OW met many of your needs - The fantasy and fun side. She is younger, hotter, brings out alot of sexual passion, and lust in you! ALL based on good feelings and fun. You're thinking with the WRONG head, allowing yourself to fall deeper in the hole.

 

Your gut KNOWS this OW isn't the "one" for you long term. Her past relationships show you this. I mean, she's cheated on her boyfriend, dumped him so she could continue an affair with you. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.

 

You don't know this girl at all. You two are lovers and caught up in the good stuff. How do you know if she will be able to care, love and support you down the road. Is she going to be a good stepmom to your children...Will she dump you for the next hot guy that turns her head...Or once you leave your wife, will she realize you're not what she thought you were after it becomes a 'real' relationship filled with the good, the bad and the ugly....What then?

 

One day you could look back and realize that you let someone else come between you and your wife, ruin ALL that you've worked for. You created a family unit, a home and a wonderful future with the woman you married...Are you willing to give that ALL up for someone you barely know? 3 months of fun and hot sex?

 

Get to a therapist, sort this out NOW. Quit your job, go NC (no contact) with the OW as she is a cancer to your marriage. Fix yourself, understand why you put yourself in that situation to cheat and couldn't say no. THEN, get to marriage counselling with your wife...She is willing to give you a second chance, don't blow it. DO EVERYTHING possible to show her (in words and in actions) that you will be an open book.

 

Another suggestion, read Dazed's thread in this section, click on the link I provided inside his thread - That is his story. Read the pain he went through, caused by his wife's affair...Maybe if you 'see' the consquences and fallout, the pain and devastation that an affair does to innocent people, it'll stop you from contacting the OW. The pain your wife is feeling now is undescribable (is that a word? Anyway, you know what I mean) and she is hurting so bad right now...

 

Sucks that this has happened, but now you have the option of making it right.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[corazoncito]

Matt,

 

From what you've said here, the OW sounds like a person who has a proven track record of making very significant life choices extremely impulsively and dealing with the consequences poorly and as an after thought. This doesn't make her a bad person, but she is irresponsible and immature. Do you want to be the next man on that list?

 

I think you need to ask yourself whether this is about choosing between two women, or choosing between two situations. With your wife you have stability, which seems a little scary and boring to you. Your wife is probably not the same woman she was before she had children. She must split her attention between you and them, especially when they are so young. She has responsibilities that she cares for on her own. You may not feel that she needs you as much anymore. The OW, on the other hand, doesn't have those responsibilities and can devote more attention to you. Everything is more relaxed and the future is not restricted. Also, she sounds like a woman who has some problems and you probably feel like she "needs" you more than your wife does. It can feel good to help someone, but sometimes that help can cross a line where you become their "rescuer". Those relationships are very one-sided and the bond in them is one person constantly creating drama for the other to resolve. And if you can't keep up with the drama, she may just find someone else who can.

 

I think, with work, you and your wife could bring some of the healthy elements of what attracts you to the OW into your marriage. You don't need to swap women to have that.

 

IMO your marriage is so young, you haven't really had time to truly give it an honest effort. If you (and your wife) really want to try, you have to let go of the OW and seek outside help, such a marriage counseling. You both will have to work to improve your relationship.

 

Harsh as it may sound, your OW will survive, probably by finding another man to rescue her. It would be good for her to find some counseling help too.

[mattym]

Wow, there is a lot of common sense among people here - I should have come to this site 3 months ago!

 

I guess you're right, I know everything isn't right with OW, or I wouldn't be here

 

To answer the question, if I'd never met OW, I'd never be considering leaving here. Over the past 7 years W and I have built a good life.

 

When I met OW, she seemed vulnerable, and told me how she was in an unhappy relationship, how her ex had dumped her which had forced her to stop eating and seek counselling. At first I guess I wanted to rescue her - trouble is I wasn't available

 

As time went on, she told me about her abortion a few years back

( she's 30 now by the way), about how she'd finished with her Fiance after she became attracted to a guy at work ,and so on & so on

 

I think I thought 'if she met a good guy she'd be happy' and wanted to be her white Knight

 

As someone said here, I had everything to lose, she had nothing to lose

 

My phone bills have been astronomical last few months, hd to shred those as soon as they were paid so my W didn't find them.

 

I also worry as she's called a couple of times late at night after she's been out with friends - she knows I'm here with my W and it could have caused problems

 

I know I'm to blame, not her - I encouraged it, and let her believe we'd get married etc.

 

Oddly, when we'd go out places, I'd see families together and think 'what the hell am i doing here?'

 

I'm going to re-read all the reply posts here - I can't live like this anymore

 

I'm not proud of myself and have become someone I don't particularly like

[sandim]

Thanks for the replies

 

There is no specific thing that made the marriage complacent. I guess just the fact of having 2 young kids close in ages, working long hours and both being tired all the time meant we stopped being a couple. Plus of course relationships don't stand still and what starts as a passionate relationship inevitably moves to something closer to friendship I guess?

 

This other girl is on my mind - when i go to sleep, when i wake up, I wish sometimes I'd never met her.

 

Is it possible that i love them both?

 

I feel like a lovesick kid and that it turn makes me feel pathetic

Matt,

I registered just to respond to you. I hope that I can help you and save your wife a lot of grief. My husband had an affair almost 9 years ago now, and we are still together, so the good news is that there is happiness after an affair. The bad news depending on how you want to view it is this. You must make a decision. One way or another.

The truth of the matter is this, you have been together 7 years, you have two small children. You work long hours. So does your wife. I don't know if she works outside the home but even if she doesn't, she is at home with two small children all day , every day. She works just as you do, but for far less compensation if you will.

We had two small children at home too......one was just 22 months old at the time of my husband's affair, and I can promise you that the worst thing that he did was to drag it out. He , like you didn't want to loose me or our children, but at the same time, he didn't want to give up the "feelings" he got from being involved with a young, twenty something young woman who had no commitments other than work each day.....sound familiar? They also had it all worked out, how she and he would raise our children together, and they would be one big happy family....guess they thought that I would just leave my children and let them live their merry little lives. Well, as much as I hate to burst any pipe dreams, you will still have to deal with your ex wife for many, many years, and you will have weekends if you are lucky with your kids.......just how romantic and carefree will you both be while you are picking your kids up every weekend and dropping them back off? How much time will you have for dating then? Or going out to clubs or whatever every weekend? Not to mention the child support or maybe the alimony depending on your states statutes? And the rent for your new apartment or furnishings?

I'm not being funny and I'm sincerely not trying to ride you, but trying to get you to think......

You say you love your wife and don't want to loose her.....well, I can tell you this much, if you continue to waffle or eat your cake, you are going to loose someone......there are no winners in affair my friend.....there are lots of losers though. Your children for starters.....

If you want more romance or more attention from your wife, then make the effort to wine and dine her as you did before you married. Make arrangements for a sitter, take her out to dinner or the movies.....make a regular date night....show her you care about her.....I can promise you that you will get those things you found in the attention of another woman in your own wife...if you are willing to work for it.

Marriage is work.....it doesn't end with the signing of a marriage license. That is just the beginning.....marriage is compromise, it is forgiveness, not harboring resentment, it is hard work my friend, and it is so worth it.....just ask my husband.

I don't doubt that you care on some level for the OW, but love? I don't think so....at least not the kind that is borne out of deep commitment and caring....not the kind that your wife is offering you....the kind that forgives even the most painful of transgressions.

That gift she is offering you, you would be a wise man to take it and make an appointment with a good marriage counselor as fast as you can.

I won't kid you, it was a long, difficult journey and there were times when I was tempted to throw him to the curb, but his commitment to our marriage, despite the affair, and mine to our marriage has given us almost 9 years that have been the happiest of our lives. We are best friends again, ones that love and laugh and enjoy each other and the time we have together... I hope you get the same.

Take care Matt.....whatever decision you make, I hope it's the right one for you and for your family. Just do all of you a favor, don't lie to your wife......each lie , when found out and they will be eventually, just adds more pain.....and more devastation. It's better to be upfront and honest now, today....then to be caught later.

Good luck,

Sandi

[whichwayisup]

If you want more romance or more attention from your wife, then make the effort to wine and dine her as you did before you married. Make arrangements for a sitter, take her out to dinner or the movies.....make a regular date night....show her you care about her.....I can promise you that you will get those things you found in the attention of another woman in your own wife...if you are willing to work for it.

 

Yup, you have to do this.

 

Remember what it was that brought you and your wife together in the first place....

 

Your OW is the devil in diguise, so to speak...You only 'know' what she's told you and honestly her past isn't much to go on. I mean, if you end it with her - HOW do you know she isn't going to go fatal attraction on you? By allowing her into your life, she can do ALOT of damage - Not only to you, but to your wife and children...(Not saying she WILL do that, but since you are letting her believe that you're going to leave your wife and marry her - That's false information and when you don't follow through on that, SHE could DO something to mess you up even more. Just keep that in mind. No more promises to the OW that you KNOW you're not going to keep!)

[mattym]

Good luck,

Sandi

 

Sandi

 

Just want to thank you for that post. It's taken my breath away. Like a mirror of what's happening here

 

I tried to talk to my wife about how I'd felt over OW and how it had happened. i told her it wasn't because i didn't love my wife, - but inevitably in her eyes OW is just a 'sl*t' so that chat has just kind of dried up

 

I feel so low at the moment. I catch my wife staring into space and can tell it's on her mind. She's not eating properly and for my sake hasn't told anyone else.

 

Often i think i just deserve to be dumped and left on my own for what I've done to her.

 

I'm thinking of talking to OW tomorrow and ending it- any ideas how i do that with the minimum of distress to her? I have no desire to hurt her either

[bish]

When I met the OW she had a boyfriend. She told me there was no spark with them, nothing sexual ever happened and she was unhappy.

 

Uh huh...likely story. If she was so unhappy and they never had sex, why was he her boyfriend?

 

AShe has offered to make another go of things, and forgive me, but wants me to move jobs. Things are understanably tense at home

 

Now the problem - the OW is still on my mind

 

Constantly.

 

Well, I started to have a little, and I do mean little, sympathy for you....until you said that.

 

What the hell is wrong with you? In my opinion, cheaters do not deserve a 2nd chance. But here you have one, and still wanting to be with this OW? someone needs to slap the piss out of you.

 

I was terrified when I thought my life with my W might be over, but even now it seems humdrum copared to the excitement I had. yet, I cannot see myself ever leaving my Wife and not seeing my kids grow up day by day

 

Then get your head out of your ass and be a husband and a father. Of course its exciting. After you are with the same person for years, the excitement does wear off. But thats what being in a loving, long-term marriage with children is all about. The love for your family should replace your desire to shoot your load in another woman.

 

What do I do? Leave my Wife so she can find someone who deserves her trust?

 

Well I won't argue that she deserves someone who won't f#ck her over like this. But you may leave the ball in her court.

 

But if your selfishness is not going to go away and you just can't shake the desire to stick it to this other woman, then maybe you do file for divorce and do right by her in the process.

 

 

Make a go of things with the OW as she's on my mind?

 

I can't even believe you have the nerve to ask that question.

But since you do...yes go ahead and hook up with the other woman and divorce your wife so she can find a decent man.

 

 

If I'm honest having both in my life made me feel complete. I'm not justifying it, just saying how it was. I love my wife

 

The hell you do.

 

 

, but how can i really love her when i have behaved like this?

 

You can't...I don't care what anyone says about that either.

 

 

I'm disgusted with myself for being so shallow, for causing hurt to others and for being so weak and indecisive

 

any advise would be appreciated

 

Matt

 

Ok...now that the harsh words are over, which you do need to hear, here it goes.

 

It sounds as if you won't be able to be happy unless you are cheating. So maybe the best thing is to divorce your wife and let her move on.

 

She bore your children for gods sake, and you do this to her? Just let her go. She deserves better.

[whichwayisup]

I'm thinking of talking to OW tomorrow and ending it- any ideas how i do that with the minimum of distress to her? I have no desire to hurt her either

 

Your OW will be hurt but it is better to hurt your OW than your wife. The OW doesn't "owe" you anything, just like you really don't owe her much either. BOTH of you went into the affair willingly, she knew you were married, you knew she was with someone else at the time (even though that is over now).

 

Tell the OW you made a big mistake, it was inappropriate and wrong of you to have the affair in the first place, that you now realize it has to end. Tell the OW to respect your wishes and never to contact you again. IF you DO talk to her at work, it's ONLY business related conversations...Or, go look for another job. (I'm sure your wife will be asking you to find a new job anyway.)

 

Then, do everything possible to show your wife that SHE did nothing wrong. She WILL blame herself for your affair. She probably feels you don't love her, aren't sexually attracted to her anymore, that you don't need her anymore...

 

Please, go read dazed's thread, read the link I put in there about his story...UNDERSTAND the pain you've caused your wife. Then, see how much you want to 'not hurt' your OW....YOU married your wife. SHE is more important than the OW's feelings.

[Trialbyfire]

I'll side with bish. Your wife deserves the opportunity to find someone she can trust. Let her go now before you find greener grass, whether it's with the existing OW or a new one. If you can't appreciate your beautiful family even after the discovery of your affair, I don't think it fair that you continue your marriage as a consolation prize.

 

In your actions of infidelity, you have emotionally scarred your wife, the woman you vowed to love, honour and cherish. I'm not certain she deserves to be forced to live with looking at your face daily and being reminded of it, until you opt out of the marriage, one more time.

 

If you honestly love your wife and family, beyond your own selfish needs, you will put them before all else. This means a definitive arse-whooping on the OW, so you can prove to your wife that she's gone for good. If you can't do this for your wife and family, get a divorce because you're only allowing a door to be kept open with the OW.

[Hard2Think]

WWIU is right .. you really do need to quit your job today. Not tomorrow, but today. Your wife is likely agonizing at the thought of you being anywhere near the OW, which won't help things at all. You're in for a rough ride for the next 6 to 9 months, so fasten your seatbelt. How well it goes depends alot on how you act from here on in. She'll be looking for signs of sincerity behind your words which right now only hold power when they are backed by action. I think that doing something as dramatic as quitting your job today will send a powerful message to your wife that goes beyond words. LS is great in that people here will go through alot of effort to help you out during the trying times to come. It credit the people here for keeping me on the right track for the better part of a year.Also, get ready for the mindless insults coming from former BS's here on LS. Just don't let it get to you, it's not a big deal.

[mattym]

I realise you only know what you know of me via these posts but I am not a serial cheater.

 

If this had made me happy I'd be on my way round to the OWs with my cases. It hasn't, and no one can call me any names I haven't already called myself.

 

I just thought if I'm going to bother posting on here I might aswell be honest, which is not something I've been the past few months

 

I wish I didn't have feelings like i do, but i do and that's why I came on here to try and make sense of them. I felt like I loved 2 people at once and the decision was an awful one

 

Matt

[herenow]

Hey Matt -

 

First of all, you can take what the BS's here say as mindless insults or as a view into what the betrayed is feeling. I would think that if you chose the later, you could get great insight to how much you have hurt your wife.

 

The fact that you have not broken if off with the OW makes me believe that you really don't know what you have to lose or you really don't think you are at risk of losing anything.

 

There is something missing in your life, but I'm not sure that either woman is going to fill that need. Sounds like you miss the carefree days that you had when you were younger and the feeling you get with this OW (who has no responsibility in life) is giving you that feeling. Does that mean you love her? I don't think so. You love the way she makes YOU feel.

 

Your wife represents the real life adult responsibilities that you have. Kids, house, bills, etc. She can't be that free spirited person she was when she was younger. Neither can you, but there are other ways to bring excitement into your life than finding it in an OW. You are the only one that can find what works for you.

 

However, if you decide that you need this OW to get that rush, your wife deserves to be told the truth so that she can have the chance to make her own choices based on what she feels is best for her. You owe her that truth.

[Trialbyfire]

There is something missing in your life, but I'm not sure that either woman is going to fill that need. Sounds like you miss the carefree days that you had when you were younger and the feeling you get with this OW (who has no responsibility in life) is giving you that feeling. Does that mean you love her? I don't think so. You love the way she makes YOU feel.

 

Your wife represents the real life adult responsibilities that you have. Kids, house, bills, etc. She can't be that free spirited person she was when she was younger. Neither can you, but there are other ways to bring excitement into your life than finding it in an OW. You are the only one that can find what works for you.

 

Precisely. While you may not be a serial cheater, the grass will always be greener until you fix yourself.

[smoochygirl]

Matt please leave your wife, i really feel bad for her. She deserve a lot better than this.