My Wife found out about me

[herenow]

Precisely. While you may not be a serial cheater, the grass will always be greener until you fix yourself.

 

Right, and soon he will find that neither woman can make him feel "alive", and it's possible he will become a serial cheater always looking for the fix.

 

Matt, we are not trying to be harsh with you, but your wife does not deserve to be a casualty in your search for excitement. You need to figure out what is missing in you and fix it before you can honestly love anyone including yourself.

[mattym]

I know, I know. Some of these comments are painful to read, not nice being criticised, but I can see the truth in them, so thank you

 

It wasn't that I didn't love my wife, I just felt unappreciated, and this girl was kind to me and seemed to need me in her life - I didn't feel that at home?

 

Again not saying it was a correct reaction, just being honest with you all.

 

Do you think I am right to have suspicions about OWs past? I feel annoyed at myself that I risked so much while she risked nothing

[mattym]

Right, and soon he will find that neither woman can make him feel "alive", and it's possible he will become a serial cheater always looking for the fix.

 

Matt, we are not trying to be harsh with you, but your wife does not deserve to be a casualty in your search for excitement. You need to figure out what is missing in you and fix it before you can honestly love anyone including yourself.

 

You are right, I know that

 

God what a mess

[sandim]

Sandi

 

Just want to thank you for that post. It's taken my breath away. Like a mirror of what's happening here

 

I tried to talk to my wife about how I'd felt over OW and how it had happened. i told her it wasn't because i didn't love my wife, - but inevitably in her eyes OW is just a 'sl*t' so that chat has just kind of dried up

 

I feel so low at the moment. I catch my wife staring into space and can tell it's on her mind. She's not eating properly and for my sake hasn't told anyone else.

 

Often i think i just deserve to be dumped and left on my own for what I've done to her.

 

I'm thinking of talking to OW tomorrow and ending it- any ideas how i do that with the minimum of distress to her? I have no desire to hurt her either

Matt,

You're welcome. I just popped back in to see if you had responded. I'm glad that you did.

I expect you do feel pretty low, and I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't, my friend.

Of course, it's on your wife's mind, how could it not be? She is asking herself how she failed you, what she did that drove you to cheat. She's in a bad spot and only you can fix that.

I think that you should end it, not just because you are married, although that is one big , huge factor, but because no matter what Matt, you made the wrong decision in welcoming someone else into your marriage. If you honestly want out, then by all means go, but if you don't, if you love your wife and children, then you owe it to all of you, the OW included to end this now, before anyone else gets hurt more than they are already.

If you are going to end it with the OW, then do it directly, honestly and with no turning back. No phone calls to check to see how she's doing, no calls to tell her how much you miss her, or love her....no contact = no new hurts......for all of you.

As far as the discussions with your wife go, hon, that is going to take some time before she can see her as anything but how she sees her now.

The one difference between your wife and I was that I could easily see how someone else could love the same man I did.....he has some wonderful qualities. I put the blame solely on his shoulders, where it belonged. Your wife will get there too but it's going to take some time.

When she stares off into space, quietly walk up to her and put your arms around her and tell her how sorry you are....but only do that if you genuinely mean it Matt.

I know that you are in a tough spot, and any road that you take is going to be tough going....but if you really want your marriage, you will do whatever it takes to help both of you heal from this...

And you will start to figure out why you allowed this to happen....and what you will do to prevent it from ever happening again.

Good luck Matt....I'm here if you need to talk. I wish you both the best.

Sandi

[herenow]

I know, I know. Some of these comments are painful to read, not nice being criticised, but I can see the truth in them, so thank you

 

It wasn't that I didn't love my wife, I just felt unappreciated, and this girl was kind to me and seemed to need me in her life - I didn't feel that at home?

 

Again not saying it was a correct reaction, just being honest with you all.

 

Do you think I am right to have suspicions about OWs past? I feel annoyed at myself that I risked so much while she risked nothing

 

My H said the same thing about the OW. That she made him feel needed. It was a big stroke to his ego. Got old fast. She demanded too much from him and that is what eventually lead to d-day.

 

As a matter of fact, your OW sounds exactly like his complete with the past relationship history. Be very careful, and look up borderline personality traits. My H broke off with the OW immediately and she didn't like it. Listen to others here, you don't know what you are getting you family involved in.

 

Moving on, the fact that you care about the OW's past makes it clear that you care more about that then your wife and the pain she is going through. Please don't hurt her anymore than you already have. You owe it to her to be honest. She is living in a lie and can't make her own choices until she knows exactly what is going on. If you love her at all, you should be thinking about that.

[sandim]

I know, I know. Some of these comments are painful to read, not nice being criticised, but I can see the truth in them, so thank you

 

It wasn't that I didn't love my wife, I just felt unappreciated, and this girl was kind to me and seemed to need me in her life - I didn't feel that at home?

 

Again not saying it was a correct reaction, just being honest with you all.

 

Do you think I am right to have suspicions about OWs past? I feel annoyed at myself that I risked so much while she risked nothing

Matt,

Real life, real family, is not conducive to feeling appreciated every day.It's easy when you are dating, you are full of compliments about one another, you love her laugh, she makes you feel alive, she completes you.....all of that stuff that is so romantic, so heartfelt.......well, after you get married, kids come along, accompanied by sleepless nights and days, work, family commitments, in laws and outlaws, friends become less of an everyday occurrence and more of a happenstance.....in other words, the real world steps in and shows us just how selfless we need to be when we have our children...

Unless we make the time for friends, for outside interests, for dating our spouses, for making sure that we spend the time and the energy to remember to tell our spouses how much we appreciate what they do, we can all feel neglected, unappreciated, frustrated that there is no "me" time with our spouses...but we also have the obligation to make that time, to tell our spouses how much we appreciate what they do.....I learned that lesson the hard way.....and now you are too.

I never stopped appreciating the things that my husband did, but I did stop telling him as often as I could have. The responsibility for that lay with both of us, me for not making the time, and him for not telling me that he was feeling unappreciated. See how that works?

You have a golden chance here my friend to rebuild what you have torn down, with a new, honest, marriage as the reward if you take the chance to start over with your wife. That choice is in your hands.

Hang in there Matt, as hard as this is for you, the uncertainty for your wife is just as hard, maybe even more so....

Sandi

[ThumbingMyWay]

I felt like I loved 2 people at once and the decision was an awful one

 

Matt

 

 

Hello

 

What your are feeling is giddy LUST for the OW. The same you felt for you wife in the first years of your relationship. if thats all we wanted to feel, then we would jump from person to person every few years.

 

NOW.....think of this.

 

You divorce and shack up wiht OW. A few years down the road, she wants a baby. Now you have 3 kids, 2 mothers. Mix in REAL LIFE wiht the OW. Becuase right now, you dont have REAL LIFE wiht her. You have excitement and good sex all in secret....NO one knows. You dont have a teething baby waking you up at night....you dont have a leaky faucet to fix, you dont have a insurance rate increase to deal with. You dont have a mortgage payment with her, you dont have fights over whos doing the dishes or folding the laundry...you have not had to ask her if its OK you miss her friends wedding becuase you want to go fishing with your buddies instead, etc etc.....

 

once you get with the OW....you WILL have all the things you have had with your wife....REAL LIFE. issues you and your wife have found a way to work thru. If you think this excitment stage will last with OW....think again....over time, just like any other relationship....REAL LIFE enters at some point.

 

NOW....looking at what you said about OW past relationships....seems to me she doenst know how REAL LIFE and LONG term relationships are spose to work. You dont just jump off when the fun weres off...you handle it and compromise. Love is not a feeling, it is a verb, it is something you DO. Lust is just chemicals in your mind....and those will wear off sooner than later.

 

Honestly....I hope your wife has the strenght to make it work with you.....I would hate to see you make a decision out of lust....

 

you may not see it that way....but you are in FOG land....your mind is clouded by excitment and lust for OW.....remove those things and were do you think your mind will be?

 

it will be in deep remorse for being so selfish and dening the promise you made to your wife....and you...ONLY you will be the person who denied your kids from having a daddy that lives in the same house.

 

You have lots to think about.....my only adivce is to cut ALL contact with your OW...ALL OF IT. Work on your marriage...regain the trust from your wife....build your marriage relationship back to what it used to be before kids....and then if you still feel bored and complacent....THEN leave. Because if you leave now....you will always wonder "what if"

 

last thing you want, is to be with OW for a few years and then be stuck in the same situation....where OW lost her spark for you because of REAL LIFE issue you both will have to deal with. The track record of the OW past relationships speak volumes to me.....slippery slopes my friend....

 

you are now added to my prayer list....

[herenow]

I have a question. If you left your wife and went to be with the OW as a single man, would it still be exciting? Or, did the fact that the affair was illicit and dangerous make it exciting?

[OpenBook]

OW was fun, single so never tied up doing other things, and more adventurous sexually so ( as my friend put it) she was like a mermaid luring me to the rocks!

 

Not her fault though, I'm responsible for my actions. I can't stop thinking about her though, but alarm bells ring too at the same time

 

These things made me wonder if this girl is selfish and would I suffer the same, after I've potentially given up EVERYTHING?

 

I guess you're right, I know everything isn't right with OW, or I wouldn't be here

 

When I met OW, she seemed vulnerable, and told me how she was in an unhappy relationship, how her ex had dumped her which had forced her to stop eating and seek counselling. At first I guess I wanted to rescue her - trouble is I wasn't available

 

I think I thought 'if she met a good guy she'd be happy' and wanted to be her white Knight

 

If this had made me happy I'd be on my way round to the OWs with my cases. It hasn't

 

It wasn't that I didn't love my wife, I just felt unappreciated, and this girl was kind to me and seemed to need me in her life - I didn't feel that at home?

 

Do you think I am right to have suspicions about OWs past?

 

Matt, I think you already know the answers...

 

If you really loved your OW, you wouldn't have all these doubts. And you would be describing how wonderful she is, instead of saying she's fun, unencumbered, and has a sketchy past with men. These are NOT the words of a man in love.

 

It sounds more like you have a sexual obsession with her. The new, unfamiliar territory is turning your rational self upside down and putting it through the spin cycle.

 

If this is the case, I hope you will be able to discern the difference, and realize that THIS ISN'T THE REAL THING. It's a mermaid fantasy. And it's all blowing up in your face. Kind of like the real-estate bubble.

 

You're risking your M to a good woman (from your own description) for the sake of a fantasy. Is it worth it??

 

Another consideration about the OW -- since you're co-workers, there is a chance she may go ballistic and sue the pants off of you. It could involve the company in a nasty mess, you could get fired, and forever lose your reputation. (This actually happened recently to a guy who was separated from his W... multiple women at the company sued him... it was big news on the financial websites a couple of months ago.) So if I were you -- for YOUR sake more than anyone else's -- it may be time to move on professionally.

 

My hope for you is that you will eventually be able to experience the same excitement with your W, as tommyr has -- that your W will become your mermaid once again. But it looks like there's a long road ahead of you before that happens.

 

Fortunately, it sounds like your W could be one of those absolute champs that will remain by your side and do her part to help you both get there.

[norajane]

I know, I know. Some of these comments are painful to read, not nice being criticised, but I can see the truth in them, so thank you

 

It wasn't that I didn't love my wife, I just felt unappreciated, and this girl was kind to me and seemed to need me in her life - I didn't feel that at home?

 

Again not saying it was a correct reaction, just being honest with you all.

 

Do you think I am right to have suspicions about OWs past? I feel annoyed at myself that I risked so much while she risked nothing

 

It's all about you, isn't it?

 

Where are your worries about your wife? She's in the most devastating pain of her life right now, and you're more anxious about whether you were taken in by the OW. Why aren't you anxious that your wife is going to change her mind and decide she really can't trust you anymore and divorce you and take the kids with her? Why aren't you asking questions on how to help her through this, and how to help re-establish trust in your marriage?

 

You're worried about what you risked...do you realize that YOU ARE STILL RISKING IT every minute that you don't break up with OW, and every minute that you let your fantasy take over your life?

[herenow]

It's all about you, isn't it?

 

Where are your worries about your wife? She's in the most devastating pain of her life right now, and you're more anxious about whether you were taken in by the OW. Why aren't you anxious that your wife is going to change her mind and decide she really can't trust you anymore and divorce you and take the kids with her? Why aren't you asking questions on how to help her through this, and how to help re-establish trust in your marriage?

 

You're worried about what you risked...do you realize that YOU ARE STILL RISKING IT every minute that you don't break up with OW, and every minute that you let your fantasy take over your life?

 

I may be wrong, but I don't get the feeling that Matt really thinks his marriage is at risk. You are correct, if he did, he would be thinking about his wife and not care about what the OW did in her past.

 

If he is completely honest with his wife, then he may realize what is truly at risk. He is still lying to his W, the OW and himself. Nothing can be done until he is ready to be honest to everyone.

[mattym]

I have a question. If you left your wife and went to be with the OW as a single man, would it still be exciting? Or, did the fact that the affair was illicit and dangerous make it exciting?

 

herenow, to answer you completely honestly- I liked the attention i got - i felt like casanova/james Bond etc all rolled into one. This girl couldn't get enough of me - would text me 20 times a day 'just woken up, thinking about you' etc etc, really 'full on' - of course i reciprocated, it felt great

 

As I said, always my gut told me ' no way would I leave home for her'

 

I can't work it out myself TBH

[Trialbyfire]

Nothing can be done until he is ready to be honest to everyone.

And especially, to himself...

[herenow]

herenow, to answer you completely honestly- I liked the attention i got - i felt like casanova/james Bond etc all rolled into one. This girl couldn't get enough of me - would text me 20 times a day 'just woken up, thinking about you' etc etc, really 'full on' - of course i reciprocated, it felt great

 

As I said, always my gut told me ' no way would I leave home for her'

 

I can't work it out myself TBH

 

OMG, she is my H's OW! Trust me, it's the ego stroke you are reacting to. Please look up borderline personality. I think it will help you see what type of woman you are dealing with.

 

Yes, it feels good to have someone put you on a pedestal, but realize you are in love with the feeling you get, not the woman.

[mattym]

Matt, I think you already know the answers...

 

/quote]

 

Youve given me lots to think about there

 

I'm so glad I found this site today

[herenow]

Matt, I think you already know the answers...

 

/quote]

 

Youve given me lots to think about there

 

I'm so glad I found this site today

 

Matt, seriously, this woman has gone as far as saying that she wants to raise your kids.

 

Please remove your ego from the situation and look at who this OW really is.

 

I'm pretty sure this is either the same OW, a twin or a clone. Get out now. Even if you decide to leave your marriage, this OW is trouble. Trust me, I've been there as a BW with a OW just like this, and it's scary for you, your wife and your kids.

[sandim]

herenow, to answer you completely honestly- I liked the attention i got - i felt like casanova/james Bond etc all rolled into one. This girl couldn't get enough of me - would text me 20 times a day 'just woken up, thinking about you' etc etc, really 'full on' - of course i reciprocated, it felt great

 

As I said, always my gut told me ' no way would I leave home for her'

 

I can't work it out myself TBH

Matt,

Please don't take this the wrong way, but everything you have said has been said by thousands of other spouses who cheated before you. You liked the attention....she texted you to tell you how she'd been thinking about you. At work, I am going to hazard a guess, but you do well, you get acknowledged but not to the extent you would like? You'd like more recognition of your hard work and value to the company? At home at the end of a hard day, you get hit with what the kids did that day, what your wife did that day, and family calling, etc......talk about the bills, the groceries, what you are having for dinner and almost as an afterthought how your day went?

Do you see how you are seeking validation outside yourself? You are looking for someone else to acknowledge Matt? Not Matt the dad, or the husband, but Matt the man? That kind of validation hon has to come from within...you have to know your own worth as a man, as a husband, as a father...that comes from inside you. In a healthy person anyway. I'm not saying that there is anything hugely wrong with you, other than seeking outside validation for who you are and what you believe yourself to be....

I hope that you end the affair.......for all of your sakes. You can't move forward until you stop spinning your wheels in the dirt.

When my husband ended the affair or claimed that he did, he went to see her.....she cried, begged, pleaded, and all of that good stuff, how she couldn't live without him, she loved him....what about the plans they made. Well, if you are anything like my husband, he really couldn't see himself leaving for her, or leaving period but he told her he would because that was what she wanted to hear and she made him feel soooo good.....so he told her. She of course, went off the deep end.....and harassed me for months, including but not limited to stalking me, following me around, following him, paging him, calling both of us....it was ugly for months...

If you do end it, then I suggest that you do it today, right now....and make sure that it is over. Then go home and tell your wife. Begin to become that couple you were when you were dating and start to show her that she can trust you again by being honest with her and starting to rebuild your marriage with nothing being hidden.

Good luck.

Sandi

[IWALH]

 

I am the OW and I know my MM is in a very similar situation to yours. I also know that he pines for me a lot but that he thinks he has to do the honourable thing and try to make his M work - which I agree with. I'm sticking around (or should I say moving on slowly) whilst he tries to fix his M. I owe him that opportunity, he owes his W and family that opportunity, but I truly believe in sticking by someone you love, even if in the end you know that your dreams of being together wont materialise.

 

But why put yourself through that? If you know your dreams of being together are never going to materialize, why stick around? Why stick by someone you love's side when they aren't sticking by yours? Why not find yourself someone out there who WILL stick by your side and only your side? Someone who is unattached that you DO have a future with. Doing what you are doing is only setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartbreak.

 

I say get out there and find someone who will love and treat you the way you deserve to be loved and treated. I understand where you are coming from... but at some point you have to cut your losses and get on with your life so you can be truly happy.

[herenow]

If you do end it, then I suggest that you do it today, right now....and make sure that it is over. Then go home and tell your wife. Begin to become that couple you were when you were dating and start to show her that she can trust you again by being honest with her and starting to rebuild your marriage with nothing being hidden.

Good luck.

Sandi

 

Sandi, all good advice, but I would suggest that he tell his wife before he confronts this OW. They need to be on the same page and handle this woman carefully.

 

I don't want to sound like a broken record, but I know this type of woman and they don't react well to rejection. His wife needs to know what type of woman he is involved with and both Matt and his wife need to be prepared for the fall out. If that is what he chooses to do.

[Trialbyfire]

Also, much of your inquiry and concern surrounds the OW. Why are your children invisible to you?

[mattym]

 

Matt, seriously, this woman has gone as far as saying that she wants to raise your kids.

 

Please remove your ego from the situation and look at who this OW really is.

 

I'm pretty sure this is either the same OW, a twin or a clone. Get out now. Even if you decide to leave your marriage, this OW is trouble. Trust me, I've been there as a BW with a OW just like this, and it's scary for you, your wife and your kids.

 

Ok, you're scaring me now!

 

Things have rung alarm bells with me, as I said :

 

She told me after a few weeks meeting me had made her 'so happy' and she felt she'd been given ' a second chance at happiness'

 

I guess after that I felt awful letting her down- I guess I thought things would naturally fizzle out over time , and didnt want to be like the stereotypical MM

[herenow]

Also, much of your inquiry and concern surrounds the OW. Why are your children invisible to you?

 

Trail, I don't think Matt will be able to focus on what he has to lose (wife and or kids) until he sees the reality of it.

 

He is still mesmerized by a woman who has basically opened up the buffet for an all you can eat and is willing to pay the bill. He is still living in the fantasy of a woman that make him feel like a super hero. Reality will hit when he is knocked off his pedestal and her true colors come out.

 

It won't be pretty.

[IWALH]

I guess after that I felt awful letting her down- I guess I thought things would naturally fizzle out over time , and didnt want to be like the stereotypical MM

 

 

I have learned that all MM who have affairs are typical/stereotypical.

[herenow]

 

Ok, you're scaring me now!

 

Things have rung alarm bells with me, as I said :

 

She told me after a few weeks meeting me had made her 'so happy' and she felt she'd been given ' a second chance at happiness'

 

I guess after that I felt awful letting her down- I guess I thought things would naturally fizzle out over time , and didnt want to be like the stereotypical MM

 

OMG, this is so familiar. I'm sure she says that you are a good guy and that she loves how much you care about your family. Probably doesn't want to hear anything about your wife. Bet she sometimes ignores the fact that your wife exists. She doesn't want you to feel guilty because just like her, you are just looking for happiness. She's always there for you no matter what. Right?

 

Beware Matt, it's not like that when you disappoint her.

[fisherfool]

I liked the attention i got - i felt like casanova/james Bond etc all rolled into one. This girl couldn't get enough of me - would text me 20 times a day 'just woken up, thinking about you' etc etc, really 'full on' - of course i reciprocated, it felt great

 

As I said, always my gut told me ' no way would I leave home for her'

 

You have found yourself in a fantasy. It is time now to awaken and see the real world. You have a wife with whom you have a life and children. Your fantasy is that you are exciting bold desirable to many women. The other woman has fulfilled that fantasy for you telling of her constant infatuation. Wanting your love and commitment to her as that is her fantasy probably that she is lovely and exciting and so desirable that a man will leave his family leave everything behind for her.

 

Two fantasys do not make a life. Leave behind the fantasy of the child and hold fast to your real life. You are lucky that your wife is willing to work to forgive you not all persons get that chance. You act like a child wanting a candybar when a large delicious meal awaits. Grow into your long pants and be the man who married the woman. Explain to your wife that the children may be important but you must be more important and first in her care and attention. Together you will raise children but to each other of you must be your first thought and action.