My Wife found out about me

[Hurt & Alone]

I can see what you're saying, but wouldn't it better to have some sort of closure, rather than just putting it off? I want to get this over with so we can both on.

 

Well, you did attempt to meet her face-to-face so either phone her, or text her. i highly doubt that anyone crashed at her place though, it sounds like she is avoiding you at the moment she has gone on the defensive. But hell I could be wrong.

 

She will still be very hurt when you do this, be prepared for some insults and questions on why you had put yourself in this positon to start with etc.

[Hurt & Alone]

 

As to the OW, this is where I really wish I could bitch-slap you in person.

 

Was this intended for the OP your H had an affair with or are you speaking in general terms?

[Tomcat33]

I can see what you're saying, but wouldn't it better to have some sort of closure, rather than just putting it off? I want to get this over with so we can both on.

 

Well, you did attempt to meet her face-to-face so either phone her, or text her. i highly doubt that anyone crashed at her place though, it sounds like she is avoiding you at the moment she has gone on the defensive. But hell I could be wrong.

 

She will still be very hurt when you do this, be prepared for some insults and questions on why you had put yourself in this positon to start with etc.

 

I agree with this and H&A's earlier take on why people go out on benders after a break up, yes even in their 30's.

 

I think Matt you did your best to try to end this thing in a civil manner and you tried to that. I think you should call her and tell her it is through and get closure that way. Sounds like she put off meeting you because she wants to make you pay for dumping her by showing you her life/time is important too but I don't think at this point if your decision is to move on that it would be healthy to be at her beck and call. You did your part now she needs to know that was the chance and you are moving on.

 

 

What you said about focusing only on her negative aspects yes would work in getting over her. Careful however that you don't end up convincing yourself of things that will in turn make you think that what happened was ok because you were the victim in all of this. It's funny how the brain will play tricks on you given the things you feed it.

Part of maturing is accepting your role in all of this, THAT will help you move on.

 

Unfortunately there is no quick fix answer to getting over the feelings you have for her I can imagine no matter what tricks you play it is not going to happen over night so don't expect that, time will help wash the feelings away but you can't force it and to fight or supress what you feel today only prolongs it. Ride out you emotions be it sadness, anger, the fact you miss her whatever. The only way to get through the break up is through the purging of all your emotions.

 

I feel for you Matt, if there is one thing the OP has to their advantage after the breakup that the person in the WS shoes doesn't, is the freedom and solitude to go through these emotions on their own. Unfortunately you have to go through all of that PLUS you need to focus on how you will win your W back and put her mind at ease with all the questions she has etc. I don't know how WS's do it but man it seems like it will take a LOT out of you emotionally. I think writing your feelings out will help too, I highly recommend journalling. It helps purge the many thoughts that run around in your head that hold you down.

[Tomcat33]

The one on one is within this thread. I recommend you read it.

 

 

1:1 means one person to one person. That implies you had a private conversation.

[whichwayisup]

Besides the fact that she's avoiding me, I almost feel like pointing out to her that at 30 years of age, going out and getting drunk for all the fairweather friends you've picked up to use your place to crash out at is something you're only supposed to do for PART of your life, not at her age

 

You're still focussing too much on the OW. What she does and how she is in her life isn't your concern. If she wants to party/drink all night long, have people sleepover at her house, that is her decision, not yours. She is immature and has chosen NOT to grow up and be an adult with responsibilities....BECAUSE of this, it should be MORE reason for you to just END IT with her. She isn't giving you the time of day as she knows it's over, so someone said to send her an IM or an email...Do that. Just tell her that you've been wanting to talk to her and she's put you off time and time again so now it's come down to saying officially it's over, don't contact me ever again. Make your own closure, you do not need her to do that.

 

Still, not my problem. Thank God my family life has ( so far) remained intact - I think she needs to grow up (as do I)

 

Again, who cares if she needs to grow up. Focus on yourself, get some counselling in to help you cope with the loss of the OW, and go to marriage counselling with your wife.

[whichwayisup]

think writing your feelings out will help too, I highly recommend journalling. It helps purge the many thoughts that run around in your head that hold you down.

I agree with this, but do NOT leave any journals around in your house....Burn it as soon as you've finished writing it. Last thing you need is your wife to read it.

[luvstarved]

Was this intended for the OP your H had an affair with or are you speaking in general terms?

 

This question is directed at me but I don't get it...? What OP? My H has not had an affair...are you confusing me with someone else?

[Hurt & Alone]

You made a comment about b-slapping the OW, I was just wondering where that came from?

[Tomcat33]

You're still focussing too much on the OW. What she does and how she is in her life isn't your concern. If she wants to party/drink all night long, have people sleepover at her house, that is her decision, not yours. She is immature and has chosen NOT to grow up and be an adult with responsibilities....BECAUSE of this, it should be MORE reason for you to just END IT with her. She isn't giving you the time of day as she knows it's over, so someone said to send her an IM or an email...Do that. Just tell her that you've been wanting to talk to her and she's put you off time and time again so now it's come down to saying officially it's over, don't contact me ever again. Make your own closure, you do not need her to do that.

 

 

 

Again, who cares if she needs to grow up. Focus on yourself, get some counselling in to help you cope with the loss of the OW, and go to marriage counselling with your wife.

 

I agree with all of this but in all fairness he is still trying to figure out how to close the chapter and the OW is not making it easy by postponing it. So he is at a crossroads with what to do.

And she didn't put him off time and time again,. he called her friday to see her saturday and she is suppposed to drop everything she is doing to see him saturday because now he has time to see her? C'mon let's be fair here. Everyone is givning this woman a worse name and using the same overly critical comments to make assumptions on this woman as is happening with the assumptions on MAtt and what he feels and how he is.

 

 

General comments:

 

Can we not keep emotion out of this for one second to see that there are three adults in a lot of pain trying to deal with a situation that is not easy for either?

 

Every move the OW does in favour of what people's preconceived notions is amunition for more put downs, and any move Mattt does in favour of the same preconceived notions elicits put downs as well.

 

The situation is fresh and this the critical point of the break up and possible loss off the marriage, we are all sitting here advicing things on our fresh minds and without trauma in our lives, these people don't have the same luxury.

 

So let's cut them slack shall we? Once they are recovered then give them with a 2x4 all you want at least they will be in the right frame of mind to take it :laugh:

[whichwayisup]

The focus once again is TOO MUCH ON THE OW and that is why he just needs to either send her an email or talk to her on phone to end it. The sooner the better for his own sake, let alone his wife's sake.

[luvstarved]

I meant that I wanted to bitch-slap HIM to get him to wake up and look at the OW situation more realistically, for all of the reasons I then described.

 

I just think it is unfair of him to talk about the OW's faults and lack of maturity when he is so openly displaying his own.

 

He's a flawed human, she's a flawed human. He needs to keep things in perspective and not expect everyone else to act all mature and adult when neither is he equipped to do so at this time.

 

I might sound harsh but I really do think that Matt needs to have some sort of light bulb go off and that once it does, he will be a lot clearer on how to handle this situation...and so I am trying to present information that might help in that process...that's all...

[Hurt & Alone]

I meant that I wanted to bitch-slap HIM to get him to wake up and look at the OW situation more realistically, for all of the reasons I then described.

 

I just think it is unfair of him to talk about the OW's faults and lack of maturity when he is so openly displaying his own.

 

He's a flawed human, she's a flawed human. He needs to keep things in perspective and not expect everyone else to act all mature and adult when neither is he equipped to do so at this time.

 

I might sound harsh but I really do think that Matt needs to have some sort of light bulb go off and that once it does, he will be a lot clearer on how to handle this situation...and so I am trying to present information that might help in that process...that's all...

 

I understand now. But in all reality, Humans are flawed in general. Mistakes are made and hopefully learned from.

[Trialbyfire]

I recognise this next comment makes me Evil incarnate with some, but nevertheless - thoughts of OW continue to enter my mind, I guess almost like withdrawal symptoms from some drug or other. What I'm trying top do is to focus on all her negative points, to convince myself I've had a lucky escape, so that I won't feel so confused. I won't pretend it's easy though and obviously I can't talk about that to my W

If you think about the composition of the affair, it's about feel-good hormones and the unhealthy excitement of something forbidden. Think about what you're going through right now, which is difficult times. Of course you're going to crave the same feel-good hormones. It's exactly what an addict goes through while attempting to detox. It's like an alcoholic being thrown in the drunk tank for 40 days and having to do without his precious bottle of poison.

 

As for the OW, she's playing passive-aggressive mind games with you. The less available she appears to you, the more you want her. Think back to your dating games or read up about them on this site. It's a form of sick control over another person.

[OpenBook]

I agree with this, but do NOT leave any journals around in your house....Burn it as soon as you've finished writing it. Last thing you need is your wife to read it.

 

I'm a little confused about this advice, when compared to others' advice for the MM to be a complete "open book" with their BS as one of the ways to mend the M.

 

I saw another post earlier in this thread (from Hard2Think, I think) with the same advice NOT to share his feelings about the OW with his W.

 

So does the MM have to filter everything through some kind of sieve before sharing it with his W??

 

If so, what are the filtering "rules"?? Don't say anything to the W that will hurt her feelings?

[luvstarved]

ANother point I cannot remember reading (which seems impossible, you'd think we'd have covered it all by now) is that the thing with the OW does not indicate one way or the other by itself whether Matt loves his wife nor whether he can ever achieve a happy marriage with her.

 

Going with the addiction analogy, plenty of people have addictions that they have trouble overcoming, and it doesn't mean they don't love their spouses, etc.

 

This is muddier because it IS another person and he has to wonder whether that person is a better match, etc.

 

He has not given us anything here to indicate what in his marriage was lacking that might have contributed to this situation.

 

Clearly, he was missing something in his life. But...is that something that has to be repaired in the marriage, or something that has to be repaired within himself?

 

His head is on the addiction part and that will take time to overcome. But it is a good idea for him to work on trying to figure out how he got here. It is entirely possible that there is a dynamic between him and his W that needs working on as a couple. Or it could be all about him - well-hidden low self-esteem for example...

 

He should not ignore or beat himself up about the addictive pull...but if it WERE crack cocaine, we would not be telling him to go ahead and dwell on what he misses about it, etc. We would say, we know it's tough, but one day at a time, focus on your real life, and FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT if you have to.

[lostboy60645]

Hi Matt,

 

Seems like there are some pieces of the puzzle missing here.

 

It always seems, ostensibly, that an affair starts right when you see the attractive OW and then there's some initial conversation that leads to more, etc...

 

However, those who work in the counseling arena, particularly amongst 'sex and love addicts' have learned that the affair usually starts much earlier--in your mind.

 

In other words, there likely was some lustful looking on your part at other women at some point before you met this OW.

 

Another question, which may sound absurd, but is quite possibly directly related to your issues.

 

Do you masturbate to porn? How often? Did you still masturbate while in the relationship with OW (and your wife, for that matter).

 

All of this stuff can more easily be sorted out by a counselor trained in this arena. It just seems that you have to give more respect to yourself regarding your motivations.

 

As a cheater who's been in recovery for over a year, I can tell you the infidelity was just the teeny-weeny tip of the iceberg.

 

Check out the books Don't Call it Love, Lonely All the Time, and Out of the Shadows. You may identify yourself in there.

 

Getting in touch with these issues is likely the only way you'll find serenity in your life, if you at all resemble one who feels he loves OW and his wife, but is feeling 'torn inside'.

 

Feel free to peak into my disaster of a life on the blog listed below for more insight.

 

Good luck

 

Lostboy60645

http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com

 

http:

[luvstarved]

I'm a little confused about this advice, when compared to others' advice for the MM to be a complete "open book" with their BS as one of the ways to mend the M.

 

I saw another post earlier in this thread (from Hard2Think, I think) with the same advice NOT to share his feelings about the OW with his W.

 

So does the MM have to filter everything through some kind of sieve before sharing it with his W??

 

If so, what are the filtering "rules"?? Don't say anything to the W that will hurt her feelings?

 

I think it is the difference between honesty and brutal honesty. Between tact and diplomacy and blunt oafishness. You can tell someone they have spinach in their teeth but you shouldn't laugh at them while you are doing it.

 

You can tell your wife that you are trying to make sense of what you have done and that you are going through a lot of conflict and confusion without saying that you tend to think she is a bore and that you resent at least a little not being able to go bang the other woman any more.

 

I think that he needs to be honest with his wife about his intentions and true feelings only insofar as he knows what they are. As he seems entirely unclear on what those are, it would be BEST if he had time to sort all of that out. Sadly, there isn't time for that...But, he can't just tell his wife nice things about loving her and being committed to her that aren't really an accurate reflection of his feelings.

 

Letting her read a journal? No.

Telling her he's clear on his love and devotion to her? No.

Admitting that his thoughts are "constantly" on the OW? No.

 

Admitting that he is confused and conflicted and can't think straight enough to even know what he wants? Yes

Telling her that he admires her strength and appreciates her tolerance and hopes that he turns out to be deserving of them? Yes

[whichwayisup]

I'm a little confused about this advice, when compared to others' advice for the MM to be a complete "open book" with their BS as one of the ways to mend the M.

 

It isn't fair for him to cry to his wife about the loss he is feeling about the OW. She doesn't need to be exposed to that, let alone read his feelings about it. He can deal with that aspect here, doing his journaling or seeking counselling to help him cope.

 

I saw another post earlier in this thread (from Hard2Think, I think) with the same advice NOT to share his feelings about the OW with his W.

If your H cheated on you, would you really want to read his private thoughts, hurts/feelings about the OW? My guess would be no...That will only make things worse.

 

So does the MM have to filter everything through some kind of sieve before sharing it with his W??

 

Well, if his wife asks the questions or if she DOES want to read, wants to know all the intimate details, then yes, he can tell her - But I think those details will do more harm than good. I could be wrong, though. I don't know.

 

If so, what are the filtering "rules"?? Don't say anything to the W that will hurt her feelings?

 

I don't know the answer to that one, but if his wife walks by and sees him looking sad, what is he supposed to say? Yes honey, I am thinking how much I miss the OW, the feel of her body next to mine, how she made me have that orgasm, how hot she made me....I think not.

[OpenBook]

If your H cheated on you, would you really want to read his private thoughts, hurts/feelings about the OW? My guess would be no...That will only make things worse.

 

But I WOULD want to know his private thoughts, etc. About EVERYTHING. Because I would be in evaluation mode, to determine if I should stay with this man or not.

 

Seems to me, if this information was hidden from me, I would be making life decisions based on false premises. "False" meaning having a distorted and incomplete picture of who my partner really is.

 

I ended up divorcing my ex-husband for precisely this reason. I kept catching him continuing to lie to me. He couldn't be honest with me to save his life. That was the deal-breaker for me. Although the issues weren't about fidelity... that was the one area of our marriage that worked. Everything else was a disaster!

[Tomcat33]

It isn't fair for him to cry to his wife about the loss he is feeling about the OW. She doesn't need to be exposed to that, let alone read his feelings about it. He can deal with that aspect here, doing his journaling or seeking counselling to help him cope.

 

 

If your H cheated on you, would you really want to read his private thoughts, hurts/feelings about the OW? My guess would be no...That will only make things worse.

 

 

 

Well, if his wife asks the questions or if she DOES want to read, wants to know all the intimate details, then yes, he can tell her - But I think those details will do more harm than good. I could be wrong, though. I don't know.

 

 

 

I don't know the answer to that one, but if his wife walks by and sees him looking sad, what is he supposed to say? Yes honey, I am thinking how much I miss the OW, the feel of her body next to mine, how she made me have that orgasm, how hot she made me....I think not.

 

 

I have to agree with all of this. There is a line to the honesty one shares in order to spare our mates more hurt. It's like anything in life, do we wanna hear "that top looks like $ht in you" or "I like that top but you look better in a green top"

And he should communicate to his W as much as she wants to hear anything beyond that is unecessary and would only cause her more pain. Besides it would make him feel better for being completely honest but at what price to make his W suffer more? I think tThat's not fair at all.

 

 

Lostboy:

 

you have touched on many things I have often wondered about my ex, I even talked to him about a few things you mentioned ie. the part about him looking before I even came into the picture. He offered me that information without me having to ask, by the time he met me it appeared he must have been on the verge it could have been me like any other woman really. I just happened to captivate him enough emotionally to make him want to cross over, but I am certain this had been on his mind for a while. In fact when we first met he approached me to work with him. After the second time we met for cofee to plan out our project, he told later in the rel. that he had gone back to a good friend of his and told him "my god what am I getting myself into, I am so extremely attracted to and captivated by this woman" Unbeknownst to me until two months after I find out this man was developing feelings for me. I had no idea and at that point the feelings were not exactly mutual beyond a friendly admiration. I was strictly work but in his mind it was much more than that.

 

I wondered about the whole porn and fantasy thing as well. I never discussed this with my ex but I wondered if that could have something to do with things. His W was out of town a LOT due to work and he spent many weeks alone and had way too much time on his hands for fantasy and what have you...

[OpenBook]

Another question, which may sound absurd, but is quite possibly directly related to your issues.

 

Do you masturbate to porn? How often? Did you still masturbate while in the relationship with OW (and your wife, for that matter).

 

I thought this was normal and typical behavior of all men, even married ones. EVERYBODY masturbates. Are you saying this isn't natural and shouldn't be happening?

[East of Jupiter]

I thought this was normal and typical behavior of all men, even married ones. EVERYBODY masturbates. Are you saying this isn't natural and shouldn't be happening?

 

Yes. But often the masterbation becomes excessive and it signals something else.

 

It sure happened in my experience with my H. And it wasn't for lack of sex or intimacy between us. It was desperate and singleminded. I could be laying next to him sleeping (or not) which was unusual as I'm always involved. This was a red flag for me. One of many.

[East of Jupiter]

I can see what you're saying, but wouldn't it better to have some sort of closure, rather than just putting it off? I want to get this over with so we can both on

 

Matt, I'm certain that in all other respects, you are a fine person and that you do love your family.

 

Having said that ...

 

You are still bull****ting yourself as you are still bull****ting your wife.

 

You go on about how you are thinking of the OW while your wife is agonizing before your eyes. You are no where near the truth.

 

You don't "need" to see the OW in person for closure. Closure will come when you start being honest with yourself then in turn with your wife and the OW.

 

But if you follow the usual trajectory, it will take your wife getting that knife twisted further in her heart and seeing you as you are right now before you get there. You appear to be running on time.

 

The train has left the station ... next stop Second Discovery Day station.

[Tomcat33]

Yes. But often the masterbation becomes excessive and it signals something else.

 

It sure happened in my experience with my H. And it wasn't for lack of sex or intimacy between us. It was desperate and singleminded. I could be laying next to him sleeping (or not) which was unusual as I'm always involved. This was a red flag for me. One of many.

 

 

Hi EoJ sorry to hear you have been feeling down lately (in response to one of your earlier posts)...on the upside there is always an upside to those days you feel like the world is caving in. Sort of like a renewed sense of reality and, personally I have now become accustomed to seeing these down days as a step towards a more positive one, and the downs seem far and few apart. Hope you experience the same... :-(

 

Anyhow thanks for sharing this information regarding mastrurbation and porn, I often suspected about my ex's sexual life. I have a feeling he spent a LOT of time in fantasy land before he took the leap, it is just a gut feeling and I dunnow the more I read this kind of stuff the more I can peice my own puzzle together. Just things to consider I suppose...

 

Sorry Matt for the somewhat off topic stuff but we all benefit from these threads and the type of information that is shared here...and it is hard ot pass up comments that are certainly within the realm of what the topic is.

[East of Jupiter]

Hi EoJ sorry to hear you have been feeling down lately (in response to one of your earlier posts)...on the upside there is always an upside to those days you feel like the world is caving in. Sort of like a renewed sense of reality and, personally I have now become accustomed to seeing these down days as a step towards a more positive one, and the downs seem far and few apart. Hope you experience the same... :-(

 

Anyhow thanks for sharing this information regarding mastrurbation and porn, I often suspected about my ex's sexual life. I have a feeling he spent a LOT of time in fantasy land before he took the leap, it is just a gut feeling and I dunnow the more I read this kind of stuff the more I can peice my own puzzle together. Just things to consider I suppose...

 

Sorry Matt for the somewhat off topic stuff but we all benefit from these threads and the type of information that is shared here...and it is hard ot pass up comments that are certainly within the realm of what the topic is.

 

Thanks TC. I am a bit better today. I couldn't even walk without crying yesterday. I took a couple of pills and zombied the rest of the day. I think I am finally strong enough to face the truth and to do something about it. I didn't even recognize until yesterday, that I was such an enabler. I thought I was being loving and supportive. What a kick in the teeth.

 

It seems to me that the more loved and secure a man is with his marriage, the more likely he is to think he deserve more.