My Wife found out about me

[norajane]

Not at all you are comparing apples and oranges.

 

I am just going on what Mat is saying here, he feels bad and he should. I am just reinfocing what he says is feeling, I won't jump on the brush it off ban wagon neither towards his OW or his W.

 

If I play devil's advocate to the BS comments is beacuse the BS comments are totally slanted towards treating the OW like she is a grown woman who should take FULL responsibility for being lied two, I am simply trying to demonstrate the same can be applied to the W, if it is that cut and dry, she should also face the music and deal with the sitiuation and face up to fact that her H is not who she thought he was. But we all know it is NOT that simple, why should it be that simple for the OW, she is an adult just as the W is why the double standard?

 

Personally, I think his wife should kick him out of the house until (and IF) he ever grows up.

 

But his wife was the one who was blindsided by this affair, and she's been with matty for 7 years and they have two small children. Yes, he most definitely owes his wife more consideration than a woman he had an affair with for 3 months.

[Tomcat33]

Really? Because honestly, sometimes the way you talk, it seems if given the chance, you'd try to push Matt to choose the OW over his wife...

 

 

Well that is your perception, ink blotters represent many different things to each individual given their pscychological state. A statement is no different than an ink blotter. I see was a butterfly you see the statue of liberty. But according to you people are wrong or right and that's that.

 

 

Mat has made his choice no one is asking him to renag his choice, and I respect his choice. He would be a fool to leave his W for someone he met only three months ago, to me there is no competition there especially since he has kids etc. In all honesty I think the OW is better off without him simply because she fell for someone that did not think of her at all, he only thought of himself. BUt given how fragile the state of the breakup is (for anyone let alone someone in her shoes) and whatever the mess this woman already carries around in her head, I just don't think turning his back on her in full on NC with nothing more to explain is healthy for him or her (who clearly cannnot cope) OR his W.

 

 

Everyone is an arm chair psychiatrist and even psychiatrists don't have the right answer on how to deal with other human beings most psychiatrists can't even hold their own families together let alone fix other people's problems. The only good purpose they serve is to treat severe mental disorders, that to me is a better form of practicing their experteise. For matters of emotional well being in day to day human to human problems they know JACK. SO sometimes rather than throwing the cookie cutter answer that should work for ALL human beings because we are clones of one another right? maybe explore the possibility that NOT ALL answers work for everyone.

 

Mat is concerned and he should be at least until this woman is safe from her own harm.

 

I've worked with suicidal people turning your back on someone who is suicidal is possibliy assisting them in their own doing. The key is to get them back into the safe zone. IF mat is not willing to take that on that's his prerogative. I am just offering a different take from the trite crap that gets thrown around here like we are all dating and married to the same person.

 

 

NO ONE said he should go back with her but if he feels he should assist her in getting her out of the danger zone even if it means by not closeing the door on her completely until she is a bit better why in the world would any of you discourage that? What kind of humans are you?

[silktricks]

Oh being sucidal after two years is ok then?

I don't think anyone said there was a timetable to when it would be OK to be suicidal, but as I recall, when your MM's wife threatened suicide you were all over her as being manipulative, unstable and certainly not someone he should return to - it seems that your point of view is quite different for an OW.

 

 

Clearly she has HUGE issues, that Mat did not know of given how little time he has spent with her, but that's neither here not there now the reality is he DId get involved with her and he lead her on without knowing how unstable she was of without wanting to know, and he made certain promises for his own selfish needs.

Yup, he did. But frankly everyone does that at some point in there life. It's just a little bit of what makes people people. We all make really bad mistakes at times. When we find out that we've made a mistake, though, if we are adult people, we don't compound them.

 

When I was younger I had a relationship with a young man. He had every reason to believe that I would accept his proposal of marriage. I didn't. When I didn't accept, he threatened to commit suicide. I told him that I hoped he wouldn't do that, but that whether he chose to end his life or not that would be his decision. I couldn't marry him as I didn't love him in the way he wanted me to and I was not ready for marriage.

 

He didn't commit suicide, but instead got his life together and went on and fell in love and married someone else.

 

If, however, I would have flown to his side to "help him through" the problem he would not have recovered as well and I would have shown more commitment to him than I felt. He would have been encouraged in his manipulating actions and that would not have been good for either me or him. Encouraging manipulation by allowing it to alter your behavior is not healthy for anyone.

 

but of course according to you all he should pull a woody allen holliwood movie move and have her killed so that the movie cna end in an a happy way, so that he can no concentrate on the woman he JUST NOW realised he really cares about.

oh for gawd's sake, TC. Let's just cut the melodrama, OK?

 

The fact is he recognizes what he did wrong and he is trying to own up to it even in a small way and everyone is advicing him to ignore what he did so that he can focus on his W.

Yeah, he did something wrong. He did something wrong to both his wife and the OW. But you want him only to concentrate on the OW and her problems, totally dismissing what he did to his wife. He led the OW on, yup. He also lied to his wife.

 

He has to make a choice. He simply cannot resolve two problems, because they are diametrically opposed to one another. He can go running to the OW everytime she calls, in fear that she's going to hurt herself, or not. He already told her it was over. Is running to her everytime she calls going to help her get over him? No, it's going to make her continue to think that she has a possibility of a future with him. In the long run is that good for her? I submit that it's the absolutely worst thing he can do, not only for his wife, but also for the OW.

 

Everyone has an agenda

including you, TC. It would be nice if you would own up to that one.

[Tomcat33]

TC, his wife is a special person. She chose to forgive him, to give him a chance to make it right...He's in process of doing this and yeah, it will a rollercoaster ride for a while...She has the patience? Good for her!

 

FACT that he was OPEN AND HONEST with his wife about the OW and all that she's pulling right now, is A GOOD THING. Give her credit for that.

 

 

Well you seem to think she is more special than mat thinks, she is so special he forgot he was with her when he was asking another woman to marry him. DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH.

 

I am not discrediting her actions at all. I give her all the credit you want, it's her heart she is setting up to be destroyed again, if she does not want to see that then she is a grown woman and knows what she is getting herself into. Im afraid now she knows what she is up against so really she is no different than the OW on that she is a big girl and she should know what to expect. Right? Isn't that your arguement OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER again to justify how much lies OW also put up with.

 

NOw the W and OW are on level playing field. So no more victims to be had. sorry

[norajane]

NO ONE said he should go back with her but if he feels he should assist her in getting her out of the danger zone even if it means by not closeing the door on her completely until she is a bit better why in the world would any of you discourage that? What kind of humans are you?

 

TC, you persist in believing this woman is in some danger to herself.

 

Every one of her actions was predicted by everyone here. She MANIPULATING matt. She is not suicidal, she is not sick, she is not anything but manipulative.

 

And if he continues to fall for her attention-seeking behavior, he is going to put his marriage at further and further risk. His wife's patience and attempts to reconcile cannot withstand months of matt catering to the OW's attempts to make him feel guilty and get his personal attention.

[Tomcat33]

I don't think anyone said there was a timetable to when it would be OK to be suicidal, but as I recall, when your MM's wife threatened suicide you were all over her as being manipulative, unstable and certainly not someone he should return to - it seems that your point of view is quite different for an OW.

 

 

 

First of all DON't MAKE COMPLETE $$$HIT up ok?

 

When my ex's W called him threatening to kill herself, we were hanging out watching a movie at his place and I TOLD him to answer her calls because she was going balistic an he did NOT want to deal with it and I PUSHED HIM to go to her house to make sure she was ok. I even told him to spend the night with her to ensure she would come out of her state. INSTEAD he went over made sure she stopped acting up and pawned her off on a family member of hers, who basically said "she'll get over it"

 

SO BEFORE YOU GO OFF AND INVOLVED personal details about my life which you know DIIICK All about, get your facts straight.

 

His was was just as emotionally unstable as this OW. I never said otherwise learn to read.

 

And I could care less he stayed with her just as I could care less Matt chose not to stay with his OW. I know that when people get into that state it's best to be safe than sorry, who wants to live with the guilt of knowing they caused someone so much anguish they took their life?

[Tomcat33]

Every one of her actions was predicted by everyone here. She MANIPULATING matt. She is not suicidal, she is not sick, she is not anything but manipulative.

 

.

 

Yeah and I predicted that he Mat felt he owed her something because there was more than meets the eyes to his involvement. He started off by saying she was the one who would talk of marriage now as it turns out he had said that amongst other things to lead her on and it was him who was making the empty promises there is a reason people feel guilt towards another person and it's ususally when they feel they wronged another person. Listen once you've been lied to by a man in an A you see the signs from a mile away.

 

Im shocked that for a bunch of betrayed women you don't see the lies and what behaviour the lies cause. But then again a lot of BSs who choose to forgive and forget wouldn't see another lie if it had a huge purple and pink neon sign pointing down that said ""WARNING LIES BENEATH"

 

And I never said he should allow this for months. But is is all to soon and it just happened, I simply offered the idea that it might be good to make sure she is out of the danger zone to talk some sense into her to make her understand and accept IT'S DONE. Then he can tell her to seek help and she might actually listen and get off his case

[Tomcat33]

When I was younger I had a relationship with a young man. He had every reason to believe that I would accept his proposal of marriage. I didn't. When I didn't accept, he threatened to commit suicide. I told him that I hoped he wouldn't do that, but that whether he chose to end his life or not that would be his decision. I couldn't marry him as I didn't love him in the way he wanted me to and I was not ready for marriage.

 

He didn't commit suicide, but instead got his life together and went on and fell in love and married someone else.

 

 

Congratulations ond the hollywood ending to your suicide story.

 

A good friend of mine was having problems in the rel and theis problems came to a head, and they fought pretty hard one night ending in them breaking up. My friend went out to stay with another friend and his partner had tried to reach him to talk and work things out but my friend was adamnt on breaking up. When he showed up at home days later to collect his stuff to move out his partner had hung himself from the stairwell.

 

 

Every suicide attempt is a Russian roulette that's my point. What's yours?

Some do it to manipulate some do it for a cry for helpe, others do it because they just don't see another way out of their lives. Every case is different but NO ONE knows how a threat might end NO matter how much you can predict a person's manipulative actions, if you have loved someone or even remotely cared about them, it is going to make you think.

 

That's how I'm wired not sure how the rest of you are....

[whichwayisup]

Congratulations ond the hollywood ending to your suicide story.

 

Nice reply there TC...

 

You have to look at the time frame of this OW's reactions. She knew it was over and he was trying to get intouch with her. One night she blew him off, ignored him and hung out with afew guys...Another night she had a cold...Then ALL of a sudden she's more or less saying she's gonna off herself?

[Mr. Lucky]

What I am encouraging is a man who was selfish and used TWO women to his benefit who has also now come to terms with his despicable actions and hence is taking responsibility for what he OWES both women. Plain and simple.

 

In my mind, what Matt owes both women differs based on his original "contract" with each one:

 

Wife - I will put you before anyone else, forsake all others for you, love you forever, be committed to you and our family.

 

OW - I'll sneak around to see you, betray my wife to have sex with you, risk destroying my children's home, lie to you, myself and others.

 

TC, since the agreements are different, why are the "debts" the same?

 

Mr. Lucky

[smoochygirl]

I know it's easy for your W to say let her kill herself but it would be you who would live with that on your conscience, I don't expect your W to understand that but I do understand your concern.

 

If the W threaten him that she will kill herself do you think the OW would care?

 

 

 

I think she might just need to have you there for a bit be it in attention until she can accept the reality of the situation it sounds like she is no where near acceptance and I am not sure how you are going to deal with that but you most definitely have a full plate on your hands.

 

She is manipulating him BIG TIME, His W and KIDS needs him more than this manipulating mentally unstable women. Not all of OW are like this but this one is different.

 

'What amazes me is how many men think that when they are done with the OW they think that she will vanish into thin air, and move aside so that he can continue on with his life. Sometimes it does not happen that way, in fact it just prompts the OW to want them even more. These are all things to consider when getting involved with somenone outside of the marriage, not trying to regurtitate the obvious but you will really need to find a balance in how you will handle both women. And you unfortunately are responsible for her state to a certian degree because you did lead her on, contrary to what you W might think in that trite comment of "She knew what she was getting into" that's not true, if you had told the OW right from the get go she would get dumped in three months and that you would never leave your W the OW prob woould not have gotten involved with you, and that's the bottom line. It was your rel and it was your doings that got you to where you are today.

 

He is trying to broke it off with her, I don't think she will accept the fact that he cannot be with her. He even want to see her and broke it off face to face considering his W might not approve this. He is been giving her attention more than his W. Honestly i care to both OW and BS because in some situation they are both vicim, but this situation is different.

[smoochygirl]

Ahh no he is taking ther responisbilty that is due. He lead her on he is facing up to that.

 

It amazes me how many cold answers come back telling him to basically wash his hands of the whole thing, that is so cold!

 

Why doesn't his W back off she chose to eat up his lies about why it happened, what kind of advices is that?

And his W is not a kid either, is she is just as adult as the OW than she should understand the severity of his involvement with this OW.

 

All the advice given to brush off the OW can just as easily be given to brush off the W. C'mon!

 

WHY doesn't the OW back off she chose to eat up his lies?

His W is not a kid but a Mother of his KIDS. The OW should understand the severity of his involvement to his MARRIAGE.

All your advice makes no sense to me. sorry to be blunt.

[smoochygirl]

Really? where is your Ws self respect when she took you back?

Ahh the same way your W trusts you won't stray again after knowing you already are well capable of it.

 

 

Looks like you are bieng manipulated from both ends.

 

Really? Where is the OW self RESPECT for threatening to Kill herself? getting drunk? sleeping with a married man?? Wife accepted him because they are MARRIED, they have commitment. They take Vows, they have KIDS. this OW of his had done nothing in his life but pain for every body, pain for his WIFE AND KIDS.

 

the OW is being manipulative by threatening to kill herself, she has no dignity at all. calling a W manipulative in this situation is just Cold.

[smoochygirl]

Exactly, is she in any sate to ask why the OW doesn't have any self respect to back off quietly? your W took you back that doesn't say much for self respect either. I am not saying she should not be appreciated for putitng up with the betrayal that's between you and her, but for her to use the self respect card on your doesn't really such much about her now does it?

 

Define self respect?

[smoochygirl]

Reading this thread makes me realized who really has an Agenda.

[chimuffin]

Why is your marriage so boring? Why don't you take some responsibility for it and spice it up rather than cheat on your wife? You took vows ..you had 2 children. Dont say you should leave your wife so she can find someone better. Thats a cop out. Its the easy way out. your kids deserve better than that. There will ALWAYS be someone that catches your eye but its all about choices. I hope that you put this OW out of your mind and work on your family. Trust me its worth it.

[wreckedhorse]

you've been irresponsible, as we all have in our lives. you can beat yourself all day if you want to, but there's work to be done. take responsibility.

 

a lot of the times we say to ourselves and to those we hurt, i didn't intend. i just made such an apology a week ago, a little too late. but that's part of the problem. what are your intentions with your life? where did your intentions go?

 

why is it that this prospect of an affair appealed to you? why was it that you gave in? what is it in your life that you weren't getting- why did you need the fantasy? figure these things out so that you can better explain to your wife what happened. tell her you'll do anything. going to couples counseling. and also, recommit. whatever it is you were going through on your own, you cannot keep it to yourself. and sounds like you miss the fantasy - - - be open and honest with her. maybe she or a counselor can help you understand why you're looking elsewhere. do not do the whole "she deserves better so i'm going to run from the situation." your wife is giving you a chance to make this work, make it better. if it is beyond your capabilities right now, then seek outside help/resources.

 

and let me tell you, my dad cheated on my mom for six months over 12 years ago, and i felt the repercussions although i didn't know about it until much, much later. it affects the whole household, and it'll affect the children without their knowledge as they depend on the health of the parents.

 

see, you can end the extramarital affair. but you are not changing what it is about your life that led you there. that led you to say yes. that's a big part of why this is so hard.

 

time for you to open up. not just confess your actions, but your motivations, desires, fears.

 

best of luck! btw, my parents are still together after 28 years of marriage. and they have been through rocky times, more than once. and it's not just out of complacency that they are together now, maybe it was a few times back in the day. you're not the only one to go through this, and yes you might end up divorcing, but you have to do some major thinking/exploring to come to a good decision.

 

My behaviour has been terrible

 

My Wife and i have been together 7 years, married last 3 and have 2 wonderful young children

 

We have a nice house, kids are great and I am in a well-paid job with responsibility

 

For the last 3 months I have been having an affair with a co-worker, who is 6 years younger than my W and has no kids etc

 

Like all things, I never intended this to happen- the attraction for this woman made me feel so alive - like watching a B&W movie and someone turned the colour on. It's hard to describe, but it became addictive

 

When I met the OW she had a boyfriend. She told me there was no spark with them, nothing sexual ever happened and she was unhappy. A month or so after meeting me she dumped him, and kept mentioning all the things she was thinking about us - a future together where my kids came and stayed with us, where we had great holidays..even marriage for us.

 

I was having my cake and eating it, so i went along with it. On the way home i would always tell myself ' no way could I leave my W and Kids'

 

I still went back for more though

 

My friends told me that this woman would get P** off waiting for me and would put pressure on me to make a decision, which she did by withdrawing affection and suggesting she 'walk away' - by then though I was hooked on the good feelings of feeling like Casanova so tried to keep both happy

 

2 weeks ago my W found out by checking my phone and finding a text message from the OW. I'm not sure why I left my phone lying around- either I became complacent or maybe i wanted her to find it

 

I don't want or expect sympathy, but this double life has been exhausting and I feel I have physically aged in appearance. I've never lied to my wife before and I would buy her things or take her places to almost compensate for being the complete a**hole I have been

 

When my wife found out it was like I'd snapped back from being drunk to being sober. I begged her to forgive me, and assured her that i loved her

 

I'd hurt her terribly and I felt as though I did not deserve to live. Thankfully the kids are too young to realise what's gone on.

 

She has offered to make another go of things, and forgive me, but wants me to move jobs. Things are understanably tense at home

 

Now the problem - the OW is still on my mind

 

Constantly.

 

I was terrified when I thought my life with my W might be over, but even now it seems humdrum copared to the excitement I had. yet, I cannot see myself ever leaving my Wife and not seeing my kids grow up day by day

 

What do I do? Leave my Wife so she can find someone who deserves her trust? Make a go of things with the OW as she's on my mind?

 

If I'm honest having both in my life made me feel complete. I'm not justifying it, just saying how it was. I love my wife, but how can i really love her when i have behaved like this?

 

I'm disgusted with myself for being so shallow, for causing hurt to others and for being so weak and indecisive

 

any advise would be appreciated

 

Matt

[mattym]

Why is your marriage so boring? Why don't you take some responsibility for it and spice it up rather than cheat on your wife? You took vows ..you had 2 children. Dont say you should leave your wife so she can find someone better. Thats a cop out. Its the easy way out. your kids deserve better than that. There will ALWAYS be someone that catches your eye but its all about choices. I hope that you put this OW out of your mind and work on your family. Trust me its worth it.

 

Hi all

 

My wife isn't 'boring' as such, but we have 2 kids under 5 and as anyone in a similar position knows, that is hard work. Particularly for the Mother as I'm out at work a lot

 

I guess things became humdrum and there was little excitement left. We were tired all the time, it seemed like we never had any money and I didn't feel good about myself much anymore - just a means of paying the bills etc

 

Then along comes OW - younger, blonde, no kids to focus on so she lavishes all her attention on me, and I was flattered. I knew I was flirting and should have stopped it, but I didn't. I encouraged it

 

2 weeks later and OW is telling me she can't stop staring at me at work, and I'm always on her mind. After 2 weeks? Maybe I should have seen red flags

 

2 weeks after knowing her she was offering me sex. I resisted until a month later - I thought somehow that not actually 'doing it' meant I wasn't being unfaithful. I justified my behaviour in that way

 

Once I'd slept with her, I'd passed the point of no return, so it happened more easily after that

 

Another month and she was telling me I was the love of her life, her 2nd chance at happiness

 

She was making me feel terrific - I felt like a movie star or something. How could I tell her ' well actually, I don't think I'd ever leave my wife'?

 

Also selfishly, I knew that by telling her that chances are she'd stop maing me feel so great, and by then I was addicted to her. She was sharing her dreams etc with me and to have destroyed her was just too hard so things continued until I got discovered.

 

Now all the cards are up in the air...my fault...

[wreckedhorse]

ah matty. sounds like you wanted to be wanted. but in your marriage, you felt like you were just needed, as a means of paying the bills. why did you feel that way? was it because there was, with the children and long work hours, little to no time/energy for excitement? why did the excitement go away? have you shared this with your wife? if you havent and you do, stress that that is not an excuse for the affair - your actions are your actions and you take responsibility for them. but if you two are to make this marriage work - then the circumstances before the affair are really reallly important here. you can not have affairs with others, but if your emotional needs don't get addressed (and that must be difficult to express with all the guilt) then maybe you'll not have affairs but you'll also disengage from your wife and family in other ways and form other addictions to cope with the loneliness/lack of self worth. and trust me, your kids will suffer for those more.

 

yeah you were addicted to the OW because you WANT to be CASANOVA but you just felt like the dude who works a lot who foots the bills for the house.

 

the cards are up in the air, true. it's up to you and your wife to catch them and play your hands together.

[herenow]

Matt,

 

I would take any suicide threat seriously. I agree with the person that said call 911 if she talks about killing herself. If that should happen and you didn't take the threat seriously, you would never forgive yourself.

 

You don't have to run to her ever again, just call the police once and you will either save her life or, if she is playing a sick game, she will know that you are not going to play.

[wreckedhorse]

also. don't say "i was past the point of no return." unless you mean to say, i gave up. stop giving up. incessant self-deprecation and blame/also repeating that the future of this is just up to you and you alone, is giving up. the affair was giving up. giving in was giving up. don't give up!

 

marriage isn't one-sided. even after an affair.

[herenow]

TC,

 

Isn't it possible that Matt's wife took him back for the sake of the kids? Wouldn't that make her a good and devoted mother willing to try to make her marriage work so that she can keep her family together?

 

Or, if she really does love Matt and is willing to give him a second chance, isn't that a sign of someone willing to forgive?

 

Also, the difference between the OW and the BW is that the BW didn't know he was lying. The OW knew that he was lying to his wife and there was always the possibility that he was lying to the OW as well. It's not fair to compare the BW to the OW because they were playing different games with different rules. It's apples to oranges.

 

If Matt has made the choice to work on his marriage, then he needs to put his wife first no matter what. The problem is, it doesn't seem to be very clear that he has made that choice. He talks about his love for his wife and then again about his feelings for the OW. He's still has one foot in and one out of his marriage and nothing will get better until Matt faces his own problems.

[smoochygirl]

Matt you have to read this. This might open your eyes in the reality of the Affair. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t38727

[smoochygirl]

Matt you have to read this. This might open your eyes in the reality of the Affair. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t38727

 

Read GARCIAGIRL comment. It is very heart breaking and very real.

[whichwayisup]

My wife isn't 'boring' as such, but we have 2 kids under 5 and as anyone in a similar position knows, that is hard work. Particularly for the Mother as I'm out at work a lot

 

I guess things became humdrum and there was little excitement left. We were tired all the time, it seemed like we never had any money and I didn't feel good about myself much anymore - just a means of paying the bills etc

 

Matt, life sometimes sucks, marriage isn't great during the first bunch of years with little kids. MANY people feel undesired, feel neglected because the kids just take over your life...That doesn't mean it's forever, it just means that being good parents, putting your kids first is more important than your own happiness. It isn't easy...This is why everything you said about the OW - how addicted you got to the way she made YOU feel, desired, wanted, put up on the pedistool like a king...It did your ego in, and the thing is, I think the sexual lust and desire has confused you. I honestly don't think you are inlove with the OW. You are infactuated with her, inlust with her - It's all based on how she makes YOU feel. That isn't forever love, that's in the heat of the moment LUST.

 

I hope you get some one on one counselling to help you sort through this stuff.