My Wife found out about me

[child_of_isis]

I have a sinking feeling that this is exactly where Matty's wife is. She made a remark about "MY children" which threw up major flags to me. She feels her children are in danger...that OW wants them. So, she will stay...for now. But she is planning her escape. I don't see her forgiving the person (Matty) who she perceives as putting her children in this position.

 

I think it is over. I don't think a true reconciliation is possible. She will play the game for a while though.

 

Matty, no offense...but you really need to get over yourself. Just by the above statement, one can come to the conclusion that when your wife is going off into staring mode, you and the OW are the farthest thing on her mind....she is more likely to be thinking about HER children, herself, and THEIR future.

 

This is just the saddest thing ever. 2 small babies caught in the middle.

 

I really wish you luck. And I hope I am wrong. But don't be surprised when her anger toward the OW is turned toward you. Also, another line that caught my eye was when your wife referred to you (and the lies you told OW) as a "typical MM".

 

Not good Matty, not good at all.

 

Read GARCIAGIRL comment. It is very heart breaking and very real.

[annabelle75]

I have a sinking feeling that this is exactly where Matty's wife is. She made a remark about "MY children" which threw up major flags to me. She feels her children are in danger...that OW wants them. So, she will stay...for now. But she is planning her escape. I don't see her forgiving the person (Matty) who she perceives as putting her children in this position.

 

I think it is over. I don't think a true reconciliation is possible. She will play the game for a while though.

 

Matty, no offense...but you really need to get over yourself. Just by the above statement, one can come to the conclusion that when your wife is going off into staring mode, you and the OW are the farthest thing on her mind....she is more likely to be thinking about HER children, herself, and THEIR future.

 

This is just the saddest thing ever. 2 small babies caught in the middle.

 

I really wish you luck. And I hope I am wrong. But don't be surprised when her anger toward the OW is turned toward you. Also, another line that caught my eye was when your wife referred to you (and the lies you told OW) as a "typical MM".

 

Not good Matty, not good at all.

 

I agree with everything you just said. All signs point to Matt thinking that his W is going to stay with him no matter what. Odds are she is already planning her exit strategy. By the time he realizes what is really going on, it will probably be too late. He just keeps digging his hole deeper and deeper.

 

I personally am having a hard time understanding why there is so much emotional investment between Matt and the OW. Correct me if I am wrong but didnt, this whole A last only a few months? And even though he was wrong to tell her he would marry her...I am having a hard time mustering a great deal of sympathy for a woman that would believe any man (let alone a married one) would want to marry them after only a couple of months. The OW must have been living in some sort of "la la" land. I am one of the first people to stand up an acknoweldge that some long term affairs are real relationships with genuine feelings, but I didn't see that in this case. This just seemed to be some sort hyped up fantasy land filled with lust and neediness.

 

If I was Matt's W I would leave. His still obvious attachment to a woman that he was only involved with for a short period of time shows how little he values her and the marriage. She deserves better than that and I suspect she knows it.

 

I'm really not convinced that Matt would even really care if she left. Even though he professes to love her, he doesn't repsect her. He's not behaving like a man that even wants to be married.

[silktricks]

I personally am having a hard time understanding why there is so much emotional investment between Matt and the OW. Correct me if I am wrong but didnt, this whole A last only a few months? And even though he was wrong to tell her he would marry her...I am having a hard time mustering a great deal of sympathy for a woman that would believe any man (let alone a married one) would want to marry them after only a couple of months.

Exactly. I could understand someone being in despair at the death of a long standing relationship, but 3 months? Gimme a break. Anyone who threatens suicide after that is stricly in manipulation mode - or else just a total whack job. He was obviously wrong to string her along, but anyone who has made it past the teen years has got to know that just because a guy says "I love you and want to marry you" doesn't mean a thing while he's still in the throes of lust.

 

If I was Matt's W I would leave. His still obvious attachment to a woman that he was only involved with for a short period of time shows how little he values her and the marriage. She deserves better than that and I suspect she knows it.

 

I'm really not convinced that Matt would even really care if she left. Even though he professes to love her, he doesn't repsect her. He's not behaving like a man that even wants to be married.

 

Again, total agreement from me. There is no way that I would stay with him if I was Matt's wife. The very first time that he put her needs in front of mine in any way or shape, his fanny would be out the door. It's hard enough to recover when it is OVER. If there is any vestige of doubt then recovery isn't even in the cards - how can you recover from something that is still going on?

 

I'd tell him to get his a$$ out the door. If he got over this lust thing with the OW, then he could come back and see if I was willing to consider any relationship with him. But for now? No.

[chimuffin]

I know its hard. I think that most ppl have been there. I could say that i dont mean to be harsh but that would be a lie.

#1 youre an adult. You must realize that its not possible to be in love with someone is 2 weeks...2 months or even 6-9 months. Its called LUST. It the case of your OW she sounds like she was pretty desperate for attention. Also many woman ( and men) like the challenge of taking something that isn't theirs to take.

I have been married. I am divorced. Its prob my biggest regret that i gave up. Its also why i try so hard to get ppl to try to work it out. It also seems like you truly do love your wife..i didnt hear anything "bad" about her. Just that you felt bored and possibly overwhelmed with responsibility of the family. When your with someone and feel comfortable you DO take them for granted and you dont tell them that your happy for the clean house or you look nice today....or thanks for taking the garbage out. It all matters so much. As far as no money..well thats not a good excuse. You don't need to go to a 5 star diner..or a cruise ..or Disney. The park.....a walk..a bike ride, a rented movie are all great ways to spend together. Even working on a project together. Life is as exciting as you make it. Good Luck! i wish you the best with this.

[Tomcat33]

I know its hard. I think that most ppl have been there. I could say that i dont mean to be harsh but that would be a lie.

#1 youre an adult. You must realize that its not possible to be in love with someone is 2 weeks...2 months or even 6-9 months. Its called LUST. It the case of your OW she sounds like she was pretty desperate for attention. Also many woman ( and men) like the challenge of taking something that isn't theirs to take.

.

 

 

WHAT? says who you can't be inlove with someone after a month or even three weeks?

 

 

If in 6-9 months two people are not inlove I don't know what the HECK they are even doing together?????LOL

of course you can, you may not believe in it but people DO fall in love as quickly as after seeing someone on a second date. You can't control how people feel things, the fact you can't understand it or you don't adhere to it does not mean it doesn't happen.

 

it's like telling someone, "that shouldn't make you mad" who is anyone to tell another human being how they should feel? What nonsense!!

[Tomcat33]

All your advice makes no sense to me. sorry to be blunt.

 

 

I am not here for your approval. So frankly I don't give a damn what you think of my advice.

[Tomcat33]

TC,

 

Isn't it possible that Matt's wife took him back for the sake of the kids? Wouldn't that make her a good and devoted mother willing to try to make her marriage work so that she can keep her family together?

 

 

Nah those kids will suffer more to see the disunion of their folks under their own roof, than to suffer the absense of one parent.

 

 

Or, if she really does love Matt and is willing to give him a second chance, isn't that a sign of someone willing to forgive?

 

 

Yeah sure, whatever. As I said before everyone has an agenda.

 

 

Also, the difference between the OW and the BW is that the BW didn't know he was lying. The OW knew that he was lying to his wife and there was always the possibility that he was lying to the OW as well. It's not fair to compare the BW to the OW because they were playing different games with different rules. It's apples to oranges.

 

 

That's most definitely true POST D-day now she knows exactly who she is dealing with, so technically she is on even playing feild as the the OW, because according to some ideologies here in this thread a woman who stays with a man who is a liar is asking for trouble, a grown woman should know better than to deal with a known liar so she should be woman enough to put up with the consequences accordingly.

 

 

If Matt has made the choice to work on his marriage, then he needs to put his wife first no matter what. The problem is, it doesn't seem to be very clear that he has made that choice. He talks about his love for his wife and then again about his feelings for the OW. He's still has one foot in and one out of his marriage and nothing will get better until Matt faces his own problems.

 

He's made his choice wordswise but is leaving a lot to be desired in actions and let's face it his head is not around his promise, he is still thinking of himself. this will stay like this for a while to come, these men can pretend to turn it off but the reprecutions of their lack of devotion to their promise comes out in many ways and forms, only to remind the BS they are not indeed ready for the responsibility of their promise.

 

Just face it, for a lot of marriages trying to recover from an A it is next to impossible, it only prolongs the agony of what should have happened when lines were crossed. I guess some people feel they have to at least try, and that's good because if you didn't you would always kick yourself thinking what if...but for a many marriages it's a uphill battle that does not get any easier evern years after the fact. If you have time in your life for that kind of crap then yeah by all means proceed and have fun.

[silktricks]

Just face it, for a lot of marriages trying to recover from an A it is next to impossible, it only prolongs the agony of what should have happened when lines were crossed. I guess some people feel they have to at least try, and that's good because if you didn't you would always kick yourself thinking what if...but for a many marriages it's a uphill battle that does not get any easier evern years after the fact.

 

What do you base these statements on?

[bestadvisor]

mattym,

 

1) Even IF the OW is great and your W is horrible in everyway imaginable (which is not true at all based on what you have wrote and probably the other way around), at the end of the day, how do you feel about yourself as a human being for leaving your wife and home for the OW?

 

2) If you think this newness with the OW will last when you actually move in together, handling bills together, everyday problems, etc., you are an idiot.

 

3) How do you feel if it was your W who met some guy and slept with him once a while at a motel or at his place while you're at work?

 

4) When you're cheating on your wife, you're cheating on your children. You're taking away the best mom your W can be with all these emotional problems you're given her. You are not only hurting your W, who gave birth to your two children, but you are also depriving your kids by doing this to their mom and their home!

 

5) Seriously, do you really believe that this OW will love and care about your kids (for a long time) as much as your wife?

 

6) ( Deleted by moderator)

 

7) Your W didn't give up on you yet...and there you are repaying her by not making the best (it's bull if you think what you have done so far is the BEST you can do) effort to avoid this woman and yet visited her.

Read number 3 and 4 again and think whether or not you should making it up to your wife for the rest of your life for what you have done. If the answer is "yes", how are you going to do it? Do the right thing, morally, logically, and financially and cut the OW out of your life completely.

 

I might have taken out number 6 if she didn't know you're married AND you were the one who initiated the whole thing, AND she was unaware of the marriage during the affair. But, that's not the case.

 

By the way, I'm a guy and you and I can only imagine what other pain your wife is feeling right now.

[herenow]

As a BW, the worst thing for me would be if I stayed married to my H only to find that he stayed out of guilt, for the kids, or for anything other than he loves, and wants to be married to, me. I would never want to be married to someone who had trouble seeing, that after D-day, he had to be loyal and honest to me.

 

I'm one of those BW that actually asked my H to leave. If my H wanted to be with an OW, that's where I wanted him to be. Not with me because of an "obligation".

 

I don't see Matt as someone that can put his wife first in his life at this point. He is still talking about feelings for the OW. Until Matt figures out what he really wants, he will not be able to commit or be faithful to anyone.

 

I agree, if I was his wife he would be gone. But, we don't know the reason that she stays.

[JamesM]

Nah those kids will suffer more to see the

 

 

He's made his choice wordswise but is leaving a lot to be desired in actions and let's face it his head is not around his promise, he is still thinking of himself. this will stay like this for a while to come, these men can pretend to turn it off but the reprecutions of their lack of devotion to their promise comes out in many ways and forms, only to remind the BS they are not indeed ready for the responsibility of their promise.

 

Just face it, for a lot of marriages trying to recover from an A it is next to impossible, it only prolongs the agony of what should have happened when lines were crossed. I guess some people feel they have to at least try, and that's good because if you didn't you would always kick yourself thinking what if...but for a many marriages it's a uphill battle that does not get any easier evern years after the fact. If you have time in your life for that kind of crap then yeah by all means proceed and have fun.

 

There is a third option. The children would be better off with parents who have reconciled after an affair. And yes, it is possible. For the sake of the children (and I know that is not necessary to do because our feelings matter more), I think it is definitely the best way to go. There is an opportunity to reconcile, but it takes a lot of dedication and commitment from both parties.

 

Yes, for many if not most marriages it is very difficult to reconcile after an affair, but this does not mean that ALL will end because of an affair. And yes, I know of a couple that have survived and become stronger. But yes, I know of many that have never gotten beyond the hurt and anger. It is an uphill battle, but it will work.

 

Here is the best statement that indicates how many people feel today...."If you have time for that crap..." And that is why most won't make it. Just because a man or woman has been cheated upon and he or she decides to reconcile...this does not mean he or she has done so because he or she feels less than confident. This does not mean that it is a forced decision. Instead many do it for their family. And yes, love and trust can be part of that marriage again. However, if either party loses the commitment and begins thinking selfishly...no time for this crap, then the marriage is over.

 

This statement you made can be applied to many situations we encounter in marriage...a paralyzed spouse, a mentally unstable spouse, or a lazy spouse. As soon as we begin saying that life is short, and I am living a lousy one, then we begin looking for an out. BTW, this type of thinking LEADS to affairs, too.

[chimuffin]

true love?? nope!!! It takes more than 2 dates to KNOW someone enough to honestly say that you LOVE them. It take at least one year..maybe more to know someone to know if you truly love them. Why do you think that at about 6-9-12 months so many ppl break up?? its cuz they got to know the person well enough to know that they didnt like them.

yes..you can LOVE the way someone makes you feel after one hour but i sure hope that you dont base love on that.

[Tomcat33]

true love?? nope!!! It takes more than 2 dates to KNOW someone enough to honestly say that you LOVE them. It take at least one year..maybe more to know someone to know if you truly love them. Why do you think that at about 6-9-12 months so many ppl break up?? its cuz they got to know the person well enough to know that they didnt like them.

yes..you can LOVE the way someone makes you feel after one hour but i sure hope that you dont base love on that.

 

 

Fair enough two dates is not apropriate to base love on, however people know right away if they click or not. To say it takes a year to know if you love someone seems like a gross estimate of how long it takes people to love one another. A year is a VERY long time, if by the third month mark you don't know if you are falling in love with the person you are absolutely forcing it. You are hoping to love the person in time. That to me is not falling in love that seems more like agreeing to love someone, VERY different thing. It's calculated at best...maybe that's why so many people complain they never really fell in love, because they just grew to love.

 

At any rate I you can't put a shelf life on the falling in love process it is different for everyone.

 

Yes, for many if not most marriages it is very difficult to reconcile after an affair, but this does not mean that ALL will end because of an affair. And yes, I know of a couple that have survived and become stronger. But yes, I know of many that have never gotten beyond the hurt and anger. It is an uphill battle, but it will work.

 

Here is the best statement that indicates how many people feel today...."If you have time for that crap..." And that is why most won't make it. Just because a man or woman has been cheated upon and he or she decides to reconcile...this does not mean he or she has done so because he or she feels less than confident. This does not mean that it is a forced decision. Instead many do it for their family. And yes, love and trust can be part of that marriage again. However, if either party loses the commitment and begins thinking selfishly...no time for this crap, then the marriage is over.

 

This statement you made can be applied to many situations we encounter in marriage...a paralyzed spouse, a mentally unstable spouse, or a lazy spouse. As soon as we begin saying that life is short, and I am living a lousy one, then we begin looking for an out. BTW, this type of thinking LEADS to affairs, too.

 

I respect this point of view, I never said it will NEVER happen there are many exceptions but the reality is that if the couple drifted apart before an A and did not find the time to work hard at it pre A, I doubt one can put THAt much more effort into the whole other mess of reconcilliation that is left after the hurt of an A. More often than not couples do not recover, yeah they stay together maybe but do they actually recover?

 

The example of a paralized spouse or a mentally unstable one of or any example where one partner changes due to health reasons is NOT a comparable example to betrayal. Betrayal is calculated and it is one partenr inflicting pain selfishly and mercilessly onto the other partner where as the above examples often are out of a persons's control. A human being is more inclined to forgive a crisis situation inflicted by a health issue, that's life and no one has the key to destiny in that respect , for better or worse covers that nicely but and A is 100% chosen by the cheater. To have the attitude that it should be looked at as the example of not abandoning a paralize partner, means to accept less than what someone is worth when signing up for the commitment that marriage entails. Very different things. If a person is not willing to demand monogamy from their partner and expect in return as well as expect nothing less of themselves to be played out to fruition, then why even make a commitment to another human being? Have an open rel, that is the perfect clause.

 

There is a third option. The children would be better off with parents who have reconciled after an affair

 

I totally agree, IF/WHEN it gets to that point of the two being stronger. In the meantime and during the uphill battle which many abandon ship because it is just too hard, the kids absorb all the negativity that they see their parents live through. We can't deny that.

 

What do you base these statements on?

 

what do you base your opinions on when you say it is otherwise?

[Tomcat33]

As a BW, the worst thing for me would be if I stayed married to my H only to find that he stayed out of guilt, for the kids, or for anything other than he loves, and wants to be married to, me. I would never want to be married to someone who had trouble seeing, that after D-day, he had to be loyal and honest to me.

 

I'm one of those BW that actually asked my H to leave. If my H wanted to be with an OW, that's where I wanted him to be. Not with me because of an "obligation".

 

I don't see Matt as someone that can put his wife first in his life at this point. He is still talking about feelings for the OW. Until Matt figures out what he really wants, he will not be able to commit or be faithful to anyone.

 

I agree, if I was his wife he would be gone. But, we don't know the reason that she stays.

 

Well you are def one of the exceptions to the failed success of reconcilliation. Your H, according to what you say here on LS and what I have read, has done everything to win your trust back and to show you that not only he had made a huge mistake, but that his place is and will be by your side. Not only because he chooses it this way but because he is convinved that the only one that matters to him is you. He does love you, and I think it takes a certain amout of self love from your part to allow him realise that with power of conviction, something that some BSs fail to do and so they never really gain a renewed partner back they just gain a washed up mess to clean up.

[bestadvisor]

I would like to change number 3) to the following:

 

3) How would you feel if it was your W who met some guy and slept with him once a while at a motel or at his place while you're at work? How would you feel even after you find out and decided that you want to give her a second chance and work on the marriage, she continues to have thoughts about the possibility of having a future with this man and actually visit him at his place because she not only had sex with him but cares about his feelings.

 

 

You have no idea the countless damages you're doing to your children.

[smoochygirl]

WHAT? says who you can't be inlove with someone after a month or even three weeks?

 

 

If in 6-9 months two people are not inlove I don't know what the HECK they are even doing together?????LOL

of course you can, you may not believe in it but people DO fall in love as quickly as after seeing someone on a second date. You can't control how people feel things, the fact you can't understand it or you don't adhere to it does not mean it doesn't happen.

 

it's like telling someone, "that shouldn't make you mad" who is anyone to tell another human being how they should feel? What nonsense!!

 

Thats why Most people who think they are "in love for a short time" don't even last.

[smoochygirl]

I am not here for your approval. So frankly I don't give a damn what you think of my advice.

 

I'm not here to know if you are approving it. It is my own opinion. I definitely know you don't give a damn. Being an OW yourself i don't wonder.

[whichwayisup]

WHAT? says who you can't be inlove with someone after a month or even three weeks?

 

Yes, and most of those feelings are based on the honeymoon stage...

 

Let's put it this way, two single people meet - Within afew months they want to marry eachother...All they do is have sex, not too much else...How many of their friends/family would HONESTLY say GO FOR IT, get married. I think many would say, get to know eachother more before jumping in and getting married.

[smoochygirl]

Nah those kids will suffer more to see the disunion of their folks under their own roof, than to suffer the absense of one parent.

 

Yeah those kids will suffer thats why matt should leave his M and family so he could be with his OW.

 

Yeah sure, whatever. As I said before everyone has an agenda.

 

I don't have an agenda, I am not an OW nor a BS. If you read your post you might realized who really has an agenda.

 

 

 

That's most definitely true POST D-day now she knows exactly who she is dealing with, so technically she is on even playing feild as the the OW, because according to some ideologies here in this thread a woman who stays with a man who is a liar is asking for trouble, a grown woman should know better than to deal with a known liar so she should be woman enough to put up with the consequences accordingly.

 

Yeah specially if his W takes a vows and have a family, kids with this liar, But isn't it more crazy to KILL yourself for this kind of man?

 

 

He's made his choice wordswise but is leaving a lot to be desired in actions and let's face it his head is not around his promise, he is still thinking of himself. this will stay like this for a while to come, these men can pretend to turn it off but the reprecutions of their lack of devotion to their promise comes out in many ways and forms, only to remind the BS they are not indeed ready for the responsibility of their promise.

 

Thats why he should leave his M. He might realized what his missing.

 

Just face it, for a lot of marriages trying to recover from an A it is next to

impossible, it only prolongs the agony of what should have happened when lines were crossed. I guess some people feel they have to at least try, and that's good because if you didn't you would always kick yourself thinking what if...but for a many marriages it's a uphill battle that does not get any easier evern years after the fact. If you have time in your life for that kind of crap then yeah by all means proceed and have fun.

 

[Then why this OW put up inhis crap? would even kill herself just to trap him? what a L.[/i]

[smoochygirl]

Fair enough two dates is not apropriate to base love on, however people know right away if they click or not. To say it takes a year to know if you love someone seems like a gross estimate of how long it takes people to love one another. A year is a VERY long time, if by the third month mark you don't know if you are falling in love with the person you are absolutely forcing it. You are hoping to love the person in time. That to me is not falling in love that seems more like agreeing to love someone, VERY different thing. It's calculated at best...maybe that's why so many people complain they never really fell in love, because they just grew to love.

Would you MARRY a person you just meet in a month? sorry this is not a movie.

 

 

 

 

I respect this point of view, I never said it will NEVER happen there are many exceptions but the reality is that if the couple drifted apart before an A and did not find the time to work hard at it pre A, I doubt one can put THAt much more effort into the whole other mess of reconcilliation that is left after the hurt of an A. More often than not couples do not recover, yeah they stay together maybe but do they actually recover?

 

Well if you actually read MATT story in the first page, he said he doesn't have a problem in his marriage, we are talking about MAtt here not your MM.

 

The example of a paralized spouse or a mentally unstable one of or any example where one partner changes due to health reasons is NOT a comparable example to betrayal. Betrayal is calculated and it is one partenr inflicting pain selfishly and mercilessly onto the other partner where as the above examples often are out of a persons's control. A human being is more inclined to forgive a crisis situation inflicted by a health issue, that's life and no one has the key to destiny in that respect , for better or worse covers that nicely but and A is 100% chosen by the cheater. To have the attitude that it should be looked at as the example of not abandoning a paralize partner, means to accept less than what someone is worth when signing up for the commitment that marriage entails. Very different things. If a person is not willing to demand monogamy from their partner and expect in return as well as expect nothing less of themselves to be played out to fruition, then why even make a commitment to another human being? Have an open rel, that is the perfect clause.

 

Again we are talking about MATT. Im sure his W doesn't want her husband f****** OW.

 

 

 

 

what do you base your opinions on when you say it is otherwise?

 

I base my opinion by matt, because we are talking about his situation with his OW, W and his kids.

[Tomcat33]

Yes, and most of those feelings are based on the honeymoon stage...

 

Let's put it this way, two single people meet - Within afew months they want to marry eachother...All they do is have sex, not too much else...How many of their friends/family would HONESTLY say GO FOR IT, get married. I think many would say, get to know eachother more before jumping in and getting married.

 

 

I agree!! Which is why I said earlier, for Matt to leave his W for a woman he only met three months ago seems preposterous to me. So it's really a no brainer why he stayed with his W. I think we are mixing concepts here. One thing is Matt's situation another is the general concept of how love happens.

 

On the other hand to those who say you can't love someone in 6 7 8 9 months, I beg to differ that's what my comment was intended for.

 

I base my opinion by matt, because we are talking about his situation with his OW, W and his kids.

 

That question was not inteded for you Smoochy, it was intended for the person who asked that. I really don't care on what you base your opinions.

[silktricks]

At any rate I you can't put a shelf life on the falling in love process it is different for everyone.

This is undoubtedly a true statement. I do by and large, though agree with the poster who said it's unrealistic to say that two people are truly in love within as short a period of time as 3 months. If the two people are constantly together during that time, possibly, but having only surreptitious meetings and occasional work contact it is almost impossible to have true love for another person. Lust yes, of course, Love?? I dunno, seems pretty doubtful to me.

 

And as far as the OW in mattym's case, I'd say it's fairly obvious that she doesn't love him, but rather is infatuated and wanting. She wants what she wants, and I'd say that mattym pretty much is the same - he wants what he wants. Neither show much depth of emotion for anyone but themselves.

 

 

 

I respect this point of view, I never said it will NEVER happen there are many exceptions but the reality is that if the couple drifted apart before an A and did not find the time to work hard at it pre A, I doubt one can put THAt much more effort into the whole other mess of reconcilliation that is left after the hurt of an A. More often than not couples do not recover, yeah they stay together maybe but do they actually recover?

Well, like everything else, it depends. It depends upon the two people, their overall relationship, what caused the affair, the depth of commitment of both partners to fixing the problems, the depth of love they have towards each other, etc. etc. etc.

 

And yes, TC, they often do actually recover and have very strong relationships post affair. I personally know a few recovered marriages and am in one myself.

 

what do you base your opinions on when you say it is otherwise?

My life experience. But I don't actually say it's otherwise for all people, I just wanted to know what you based your opinion on.

[Jinnah]

If you are choosing to remain with your wife, the OW has to be utterly and completely out of your life. No contact with her whatsoever, preferably including not even laying eyes on her. That is the only way you will get over her. It will take some time and patience, though. Not to mention some heavy counseling, I'm sure. Have you and your wife talked about the possibility of seeing a counselor together?

 

 

She's right.

 

Plus, why would you want a woman who is so selfish and uncompassionate that she would do that to another woman and her children? She is filthy. You aren't off the hook either. What you did is horrid and you should be thankful your wife even considered giving you another shot. It's disgusting that you are then thanking your wife by thinking about the OW. Worry about God, your soul, your wife and kids... not the OW. Or tell your wife what you are thinking so she will run from you as fast as she can.

[mattym]

Wasn't sure whether to update this thread, but though may as well put it all out there, so it's over with in my mind

 

OW called day after the big scene with her, saying she still felt the same, and thought maybe I should work things out with W. 'Tell her its a mistake, blame me, and you can go on and have more kids. Go running back to her, have a happy life. Nobody ever wants me, just as a substitute that's all'

 

I felt bad for making her feel so low about herself, so arranged later in the convo to meet with her one more time, so we won't end on bad terms

 

Bad move on my part

 

Spent the day with her, no affection as she kept saying ' there's nothing going on, we're just friends' but she kept making references to the situation, such as 'so are you still torn between wife and lover?' and so on

As i spent time with her, I began to doubt how I felt again and didn't want her to leave. We had dinner together, and drank together ...and the inevitable happened. We had sex.

 

She left and a few mins later called me saying ' You need to resolve this. how do u think I feel, knowing you're going back to her after we've made love?'

 

I haven't heard from her for 2 days now, except 1 text to say ' I will leave you to talk things over with W'

Got home and to make matters worse, my W keeps saying she wants to overcome this and stay together, but feels my head is in the clouds

 

I just wanted to see her one more time- to make sure I had made the right decision and that I wouldnt spend my whole life wondering 'what if?'

 

what do I do?? what is she playing at??

 

Matt

[Lyssa]

I just wanted to see her one more time- to make sure I had made the right decision and that I wouldnt spend my whole life wondering 'what if?'

 

Wouldn't you be afraid that you might end up making love to her again and complicate things even more it already is?