My Wife found out about me

[whichwayisup]

Tell your wife everything NOW. Tell her you talked to the OW, ended up seeing her, talking to her and ofcourse, had sex with the OW.

 

It is now time for your wife to kick you out of the house, or you just need to leave. Separate. Matt, you need to 'feel' the consquences of your actions and for the past little while all you've done is ping-pong ball yourself between the OW and your wife because you can't decide WTF or WHO you want.

 

Your wife is trying her best to give you a second chance, and you continually are ruining it, taking advantage of it and putting your OW first, letting your OW control you.

 

I honestly don't know what else to tell you because I don't think you know what you want to do....Though your actions are showing you want BOTH women.

 

Get some therapy Matt, seriously consider it!

[IamASelfishSOB]

Wow, there is definitely a lesson here.

[Ladyjane14]

OW called day after the big scene with her, saying she still felt the same, and thought maybe I should work things out with W. 'Tell her its a mistake, blame me, and you can go on and have more kids. Go running back to her, have a happy life. Nobody ever wants me, just as a substitute that's all'

Laying it on a bit thick there, wasn't she? But that's okay... you lapped it up like a cat in the cream.

 

I felt bad for making her feel so low about herself....

If she feels "low about herself"... that's because she IS.

 

... so arranged later in the convo to meet with her one more time, so we won't end on bad terms

Nope. You arranged to meet with her so you could feed your "love addiction" one more time. "Bad terms" are inevitable when one chooses to commit adultery.

 

Bad move on my part

Ya think???

 

We had sex.

So... did you toddle off home and inform your wife??? Because... goddam it... you SHOULD. That woman has a RIGHT to make the best decision for herself and her children, and she should have ALL the pertinent facts with which to make her choices.

 

Face it.... you're not sorry for what you did. Otherwise, you wouldn't keep doing it.

 

She left and a few mins later called me saying ' You need to resolve this. how do u think I feel, knowing you're going back to her after we've made love?'

 

Pick her then. Anybody who's willing to f*ck somebody else's husband deserves to be stuck with him.

(Seriously, what a conniving, manipulative piece of work she is. And HOW is it possible that anyone with at least a room-temperature IQ couldn't see it? )

 

...my W keeps saying she wants to overcome this and stay together, but feels my head is in the clouds

She's more right about that than she knows, isn't she?

 

I just wanted to see her one more time- to make sure I had made the right decision and that I wouldnt spend my whole life wondering 'what if?'

Nope. Be honest for once. You wanted another "fix" for your manic little addiction. And you got it. I fervently hope your wife finds out about it too. She deserves a man who doesn't cheat and lie. She deserves a GROWN MAN, one with enough honor and integrity that his WORD means something.

 

what do I do?? what is she playing at??

Again, HOW is it possible that you could be walking upright without dragging your knuckles on the ground and not KNOW what's she's "playing at".

 

Go. Move in with your OW. Send child-support to your wife and lots of it. That way, you can enjoy Miss Thing and her psychotic manipulations for years to come. Your wife sounds like a gem. I doubt she'll be on the market for long.

 

And... if after you've told her you're still f*cking the OW, she still doesn't want to divorce you... send her here to LS. We'll help her see how much better off she can be without all this nasty drama in her life.

[frannie]

Wasn't sure whether to update this thread, but though may as well put it all out there, so it's over with in my mind

 

OW called day after the big scene with her, saying she still felt the same, and thought maybe I should work things out with W. 'Tell her its a mistake, blame me, and you can go on and have more kids. Go running back to her, have a happy life. Nobody ever wants me, just as a substitute that's all'

 

I felt bad for making her feel so low about herself, so arranged later in the convo to meet with her one more time, so we won't end on bad terms

 

Bad move on my part

 

Spent the day with her, no affection as she kept saying ' there's nothing going on, we're just friends' but she kept making references to the situation, such as 'so are you still torn between wife and lover?' and so on

As i spent time with her, I began to doubt how I felt again and didn't want her to leave. We had dinner together, and drank together ...and the inevitable happened. We had sex.

 

She left and a few mins later called me saying ' You need to resolve this. how do u think I feel, knowing you're going back to her after we've made love?'

 

I haven't heard from her for 2 days now, except 1 text to say ' I will leave you to talk things over with W'

Got home and to make matters worse, my W keeps saying she wants to overcome this and stay together, but feels my head is in the clouds

 

I just wanted to see her one more time- to make sure I had made the right decision and that I wouldnt spend my whole life wondering 'what if?'

 

what do I do?? what is she playing at??

 

Matt

 

Hmm... Matt... did you arrange to meet her 'so you could part on good terms' OR 'so you could be sure you made the right decision' (to stay married?).

 

Because you've said conflicting things here about your motives. I don't think you're being honest with yourself let alone anyone else here.

 

How on Earth can you ask 'what is she playing at?' when you're going round to see her, with questionable motives, having dinner and sex with her..?? That is supposed to sort the situation out, is it..?

 

No, it's not, and you know it. You are just dabbling with both women and being fair to neither of them. What is the OW 'playing at'..? she's responding to you, who's handing her all the chances she needs, spending the DAY with her and wondering why she 'still refers to the situation'... of course she will! What were you imagining you'd be talking about on this date?

 

I'd listen to what your OW said (amongst other things... but still): you need to resolve this, work things out with your W. That IS what you have to do, now OW isn't pestering you day in day out, she's more or less backed off. So do everyone a favour and sort out whether or not you want to stay with your wife.

 

What your OW does or doesn't think, or whether or not she's a good future bet for a relationship... you can't possibly consider those things while you have a marriage, and a wife who knows (some of) what you've been up to. Get your head out of the clouds before you lose everything.

[frannie]

What lies? So far what I have read is that this OW is the one that is expecting to be married. I haven't read where Mat promised her anything.

If I'm wrong...show me where he promised this OW anything...cuz out of all his posts I haven't seen it. I may have missed it...but I haven't seen it.

 

I can't remember the exact wording, and perhaps 'promise' is a bit strong. But matt said that he'd told the OW that he wanted to marry her, or words to that effect. Marriage was certainly mentioned by matt to the OW.

[smoochygirl]

Wasn't sure whether to update this thread, but though may as well put it all out there, so it's over with in my mind

 

OW called day after the big scene with her, saying she still felt the same, and thought maybe I should work things out with W. 'Tell her its a mistake, blame me, and you can go on and have more kids. Go running back to her, have a happy life. Nobody ever wants me, just as a substitute that's all'

 

I felt bad for making her feel so low about herself, so arranged later in the convo to meet with her one more time, so we won't end on bad terms

 

Bad move on my part

 

Spent the day with her, no affection as she kept saying ' there's nothing going on, we're just friends' but she kept making references to the situation, such as 'so are you still torn between wife and lover?' and so on

As i spent time with her, I began to doubt how I felt again and didn't want her to leave. We had dinner together, and drank together ...and the inevitable happened. We had sex.

 

She left and a few mins later called me saying ' You need to resolve this. how do u think I feel, knowing you're going back to her after we've made love?'

 

I haven't heard from her for 2 days now, except 1 text to say ' I will leave you to talk things over with W'

Got home and to make matters worse, my W keeps saying she wants to overcome this and stay together, but feels my head is in the clouds

 

I just wanted to see her one more time- to make sure I had made the right decision and that I wouldnt spend my whole life wondering 'what if?'

 

what do I do?? what is she playing at??

 

Matt

 

Matt thanks for keeping us updated, Anyway i do think that you should Leave you wife, start a new life with your OW, so your Wife can start to move on with her life. I know you keep hearing this from me but this is unfair. VERY UNFAIR TO YOUR WIFE. I feel bad for her. Tell her the truth of what is going on, no body deserve this. As far as your OW is concern it is better if you two are together, then you will know how she really is. You can be with OW and she got you and we know this but don't let her have your kids. It is your W kids and don't let them get close with this OW as she sound dangerous.

[smoochygirl]

MATT send your wife here in LS, she needs support right now. I can feel that she is in a lot of pain:(..

[annabelle75]

Reading this thread makes me sick to my stomach. Its just very very sad.

 

There is only one peice of advice I can give:

 

LEAVE YOUR WIFE NOW. She doesn't deserve this and you don't deserve her love and devotion.

 

I'll be honest with you and say that odds are in a few months things with the OW will end as well for one reason or another. You barely know each other and making these kinds of changes for some one so soon, will only lead to pain, resentment and regret. You'll be resentful of her and she'll resent anytime you have to spend with your W because of your children. If you felt bored with your life before, the problem has been solved. Welcome to the land of drama.

 

That may sound pretty bleak, but make no mistake I am telling you this to change your mind. I'm just preparing you for what is to come. You made your choice the second you chose to go back and screw the OW. For your W's sake you need to leave. You've lost the right to chose what you want, now you need to do what is best for her. She deserves better than to be with a man that sleeps with other women. Time to let her go and find happiness elsewhere. She derserves it.

[ookla_2]

Matt, I am in shock.

 

I have been keeping up with your thread and have had such high hopes for you and your W.

 

I'm so sad for everyone involved right now, mostly your W and kids.

 

I don't see how you can stay in your M now. And it's just so sad.

[IpAncA]

I just wanted to see her one more time- to make sure I had made the right decision and that I wouldnt spend my whole life wondering 'what if?'

 

See and that's where I think you should divorce your W. That right there. The choice you made to go back and make sure. You shouldn't have needed to do that.

 

Then you had to have sex with the OW. Was there a point to that or was it something stupid like goodbye sex?

 

As for what you should do, I don't know other then to let your W find happiness like she's intitled to.

[whichwayisup]

I can't remember the exact wording, and perhaps 'promise' is a bit strong. But matt said that he'd told the OW that he wanted to marry her, or words to that effect. Marriage was certainly mentioned by matt to the OW.

 

What it was - The OW said she wanted to be married to him, and be step-mom to his kids. HE didn't say yes or no - Which to an OW is a yes...He did lead her on, but didn't say it in so many words. He never told her I want to marry you.

[whichwayisup]

OW told me after several weeks she loved me, wanted to marry me etc. then said if I left W we shouldn't make it known about us for a while

( i guess so she's not seen as a homewrecker)

 

And the operative word is IF... (the above quote is from page one, post 10)

 

And: post 14, page one.

 

I know I'm to blame, not her - I encouraged it, and let her believe we'd get married etc.

 

Though, the OW already had it in her head afew weeks into the A that she was going to marry Matt. He just didn't do anything to tell her NO that isn't ever going to happen...Due to the affairyland fog he's in.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Matt, come on! Be honest with yourself. What is she playing at? What are YOU playing at more like.

 

What do you want? Honestly? What is the perfect scenario for you? W to provide M and OW on the side without W knowing? To leave your W and not see her but still have a great R with your kids? To have a great R with your W and kids and for your M to go back to normal? To have a chance to see what its like with OW but with the door always open to return to your M? To have a shot at your M but if it doesnt work to have a happy smiling OW waiting for you with open arms?

 

Because believe me, none of the above are going to happen. You've hurt your W. Scarred your relationship. Only real commitment to your M will mend it. Real commitment. Not shilly-shallying thinking "What if?". No contact with your OW at all. Showing your W you mean business by leaving your job and finally respecting the second chance she has given you. As for your OW, this is a 3 month relationship. In it, there already has been sex, arguments, broken promises, discovery, lies, a suicide threat, further lies, further confusion. After 3 months. Doesn't bode well, really, does it?

 

You should be without BOTH women. Your W certainly doesn't deserve your lack of respect. How would you feel if you had given your W a second chance and the first thing she does is break your trust?

 

Your OW went into this with her eyes open and after 3 months, she has no basis of what a R would be like with you. She doesnt know you well enough. You dont know her well enough. Regardless, she has at least given you some recent space to sort out your M - she could have easily called your W to tell her that you had just had dinner and sex with her in effort to force your W to kick you out (and end up with OW). She didnt. But I'm sure that you certainly confused matters by dining with her, having sex with her and then returning to your W.

 

Have you ever thought of being by YOURSELF to figure all of this out?

[mattym]

I've spent the last couple of hours talking with my W.

 

I DO want to salvage what I have here. I was wrong to meet or even speak with OW. I instigated it, I felt a withdrawal symptom when I spoke with her that made me want to see her again - if I'm honest the thought of 'just holding her one more time' appealed to me inside somewhere, so I'd have something to remember...I dunno. I can't justify it, only try & understand it

 

I was too weak to have seen her and behaved sensibly. Now I've compounded the problem

 

Good news is that OW has not contacted me now for 2 days as I said, to allow me time with W. She said that if I went to W, blamed her for everything and said 'it was a mistake, lets move on' she'd be happy with that, and wouldn't feel guilty for being a homewrecker. I sense somewhere though that she still holds out hopes that I'll leave and go to her

 

I told OW on the phone that this hasn't been easy for me, and I feel like a broken man. She said ' Yeah, it must be hard having 2 women love you' - I guess I shouldn't have expected sympathy!

[mattym]

Matt, come on! Be honest with yourself. What is she playing at? What are YOU playing at more like.

 

What do you want? Honestly? What is the perfect scenario for you? W to provide M and OW on the side without W knowing? To leave your W and not see her but still have a great R with your kids? To have a great R with your W and kids and for your M to go back to normal? To have a chance to see what its like with OW but with the door always open to return to your M? To have a shot at your M but if it doesnt work to have a happy smiling OW waiting for you with open arms?

 

Because believe me, none of the above are going to happen.

 

Thank you for this, I've read that paragraph over 3 times now

 

I guess my mind has fluctuated between several outcomes. please don't judge me, this is how I've thought at times -

 

1. Wouldn't life be great with OW - exciting passionate days and nights, and family times at weekends tc when the kids are over. Maybe we'd have our own. Wow, 2 women bearing my kids, what a stud! One big happy family...

 

2. Maybe W will say ' sure, go out & see her, just keep providing for us'

 

3. Maybe OW will say ' I'm happy for you to see me and for us to do whatever when it suits you. half a man's better than none'

 

4. OW will do/say something so terrible I'll finish with her and still have a loving W back home as sanctuary

 

5. Maybe W will do/say something & vice versa

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Thank you for this, I've read that paragraph over 3 times now

 

I guess my mind has fluctuated between several outcomes. please don't judge me, this is how I've thought at times -

 

1. Wouldn't life be great with OW - exciting passionate days and nights, and family times at weekends tc when the kids are over. Maybe we'd have our own. Wow, 2 women bearing my kids, what a stud! One big happy family...

 

2. Maybe W will say ' sure, go out & see her, just keep providing for us'

 

3. Maybe OW will say ' I'm happy for you to see me and for us to do whatever when it suits you. half a man's better than none'

 

4. OW will do/say something so terrible I'll finish with her and still have a loving W back home as sanctuary

 

5. Maybe W will do/say something & vice versa

 

I respect your honesty Matt, but its easy to be honest on an anonymous forum. Its not as easy being honest with your W, your OW, yourself. Why is that, do you think? Because you dont want to hurt their feelings? You dont want to burn any bridges? Or because you dont want to be the bad person in the situation?

 

Everyone of your answers more or less points to having OW and W in your life which contradicts your earlier statement of wanting to salvage your M. And each answer is pointing to you feeding your ego - being a stud, being accepted as a half-man, providing yet still having the excitement of OW.

 

It comes down to a simple question Matt. What do you want? Or would you prefer that decision was taken out of your hands and made for you by either W or OW?

[Mr. Lucky]

4. OW will do/say something so terrible I'll finish with her and still have a loving W back home as sanctuary

 

5. Maybe W will do/say something & vice versa

I think these 2 are true more than the first 3. That way you'd be off the hook as to making a decision - it would have been made for you.

 

Spent the day with her, no affection as she kept saying ' there's nothing going on, we're just friends' but she kept making references to the situation, such as 'so are you still torn between wife and lover?' and so on

As i spent time with her, I began to doubt how I felt again and didn't want her to leave. We had dinner together, and drank together ...and the inevitable happened. We had sex.

OK, here's what I don't understand. Your W found out about the affair, which must raise some red flags with her as to your conduct and whereabouts. And yet, you can still sneak off for what sounds like a day and most of a night to commiserate, court and screw the OW.

 

What have you told your W as to the up-to-the-minute status of the affair? Does she think it's over? Ongoing?

 

Mr. Lucky

[mattym]

IIt comes down to a simple question Matt. What do you want? Or would you prefer that decision was taken out of your hands and made for you by either W or OW?

 

I want to be married to my wife. i want us to be happy and fulfilled, and I want my children to grow up in a loving and secure home with us

 

My betrayal of my W has put her into a state of trauma. She loves me, and wants to believe it ws all this girls fault, but knows it wasn't all her fault. I have destroyed her faith in me, and because of me she now feels unattractive, threatened by a younger woman she's never met, and disillusioned with the future

 

I also want the OW to be alright. When I met her I saw a vulnerable person who wanted in life what i already had. In me she saw a fantasy that she could have those things, which I encouraged in order to get her into bed and get what i wanted. Within 2 weeks of seeing her she was telling me God had given her a '2nd chance at happiness' in the form of me. I thought I'd shatter her if I told her otherwise, and I was weak and enjoyed the ego-boost she gave me so I continued it, lied to her and encouraged her to get my own way.

 

My selfishness has probably destroyed her

 

I want all of that, but I fear that i will reasonably achieve is the broken hearts of 2 women who wanted nothing more than someone to love

 

If it weren't for my kids i think i would have taken off somewhere by now. I feel like a broken man

[whichwayisup]

I was wrong to meet or even speak with OW

 

Yes you were and I wish you had realized that BEFORE going to meet with her and have sex with you. You always seem to realize the OOPS afterwards, not beforehand.

 

Appreciate that your wife is loving and open enough to give you another chance! THINK of that next time (and there WILL be a next time) when the OW calls you to come talk to her again...Remember your wife. Remember that afterwards you'll wish you didn't see the OW.

 

I sense somewhere though that she still holds out hopes that I'll leave and go to her

 

Which is why when you say GOODBYE and IT'S OVER and DO NOT CONTACT ME, you need to mean it. Not just in words but in actions too. You tell the OW one thing and then you do the opposite! So yeah, ofcourse she has her hopes up. Start putting your wifes feelings ahead of your own, and ahead of the OW!!! The OW should come LAST here, not first.

 

I told OW on the phone that this hasn't been easy for me, and I feel like a broken man. She said ' Yeah, it must be hard having 2 women love you' - I guess I shouldn't have expected sympathy!

 

The only person who should be getting sympathy right now is your wife. YOU and the OW made the choice to have an affair and now you're both suffer the consquences of your choices and actions. To expect the OW to feel bad for you isn't going to happen... And, with that being said, I don't think you should worry so much what the OW thinks and feels now. FOCUS on your wife. ONLY your wife.

 

Question. Did you tell your wife about the sex with the OW afew days ago? If no, why not?

[mattym]

What have you told your W as to the up-to-the-minute status of the affair? Does she think it's over? Ongoing?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

She thinks its over. And it is. I was prolonging it. I haven't heard from OW for 2 days. That's never happened since I met her

[whichwayisup]

My betrayal of my W has put her into a state of trauma

 

Yet you continually are more concerned about the OW's feelings.....Sorry to sound harsh but you need to really see what you're doing to your wife. Your wife's feelings are more important than the OW so start showing yourself and your wife this!

 

I feel like a broken man

 

Then go to counselling.

[mattym]

Yet you continually are more concerned about the OW's feelings.....Sorry to sound harsh but you need to really see what you're doing to your wife. Your wife's feelings are more important than the OW so start showing yourself and your wife this!

 

I know you are right, I know that

 

This OW has been like a drug to me - I've literally been addicted to her, I can see why people call it love 'sickness' - that's what it's felt like

[whichwayisup]

Have you thought of this? What if the OW calls your wife and tells her about the recent sex you two had? Never say never...Your OW could go and pull a fast one behind your back. You need to own up to your wife what happened...If you don't and she finds out on her own, YOU will be out of the house for good... Then what? Go be with the OW and start a life with her?

 

Again, sorry that I am being harsh but I'm really trying to open your eyes. Seems ALL the wonderful and caring advice you got went out the window when you caved to be with the OW. NONE of it sunk in or made you think twice...Again.

[whichwayisup]

I know you are right, I know that

 

This OW has been like a drug to me - I've literally been addicted to her, I can see why people call it love 'sickness' - that's what it's felt like

 

Tell me what you are now going to do to prevent yourself from falling backwards. What preventive measures now are you going to take so you won't go back to the OW. No more affair means no more contact. No calls, no emails, no seeing her. NOTHING. Can you do that?

[mattym]

Ok, she hasn't contacted me for 2 days. How do I draw a line under it so she knows I don't want anymore contact? text message to avoid a discussion? If so what do I say?