My Wife found out about me

[whichwayisup]

Short and to the point.

 

ONE email saying : It would be best if you didn't contact me again. I'm asking you to respect my choice and if you contact me, be prepared to not hear a word back. I am going to fix my marriage and make things right with my wife. I am sorry I hurt you but you and I both made a big mistake by having an affair. Again, I'm asking you to please stay away and don't contact me.

 

Goodbye.

 

THERE. That is what you do. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

If she calls you or emails you after that note, ignore it. Put her email on block and same with your cell phone. AND, seeing as you two work together? Time to quit your job.

[JamesM]

First, I want to congratulate you for coming here and telling us that you cheated again. Yes, I was flabbergasted, but yet something said you need/want help. Nobody made you keep posting.

 

So, you talked with your wife and she STILL is taking you back after you cheated again? Hard to believe.

 

Do you know which woman you really want?

 

As for your scenarios, nothing like that will happen. The most likely scenario is that you will lose your wife, move in with the OW, find out that she is not nearly as good as you thought (all that great sex will disappear), and you will end up losing both women. Then your thoughts will be...what if I had stayed with my wife?

[mattym]

Short and to the point.

 

ONE email saying : It would be best if you didn't contact me again. I'm asking you to respect my choice and if you contact me, be prepared to not hear a word back. I am going to fix my marriage and make things right with my wife. I am sorry I hurt you but you and I both made a big mistake by having an affair. Again, I'm asking you to please stay away and don't contact me.

 

Goodbye.

 

THERE. That is what you do. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

If she calls you or emails you after that note, ignore it. Put her email on block and same with your cell phone. AND, seeing as you two work together? Time to quit your job.

 

Ok, I will send that tomorrow (it's late here)

 

Ordered a couple of books off Amazon just now about infidelity so i can try and make sense of why I did what i did and stop it happening again

[JamesM]

 

I also want the OW to be alright.

 

If it weren't for my kids i think i would have taken off somewhere by now. I feel like a broken man

 

Two things...one, it won't be YOU that makes your OW alright. She will be better when you stay with your wife, leave her alone, and let her move on. Trust me...whenever you contact her, you give her hope. This will never make her feel alright.

 

I wish you had thought of your kids before you began this mess. They are the ones who will lose in this situation. My suggestion is to rededicate your life to their mother and then maybe you will feel "unbroken" again.

[whichwayisup]

That's good. Read up and also do some writing for yourself. Journaling can help you figure out some things floating in your head, make some sense of it.

 

So what if it's late? It's an email! Send it Matt! You're procrastinating and tomorrow you'll find a reason NOT to send it, some excuse. DO IT and hit send. Then block her email. DO IT. I know it will hurt but you need to do this if you want to save your marriage.

[mattym]

First, I want to congratulate you for coming here and telling us that you cheated again. Yes, I was flabbergasted, but yet something said you need/want help. Nobody made you keep posting.

 

So, you talked with your wife and she STILL is taking you back after you cheated again? Hard to believe.

 

Do you know which woman you really want?

 

As for your scenarios, nothing like that will happen. The most likely scenario is that you will lose your wife, move in with the OW, find out that she is not nearly as good as you thought (all that great sex will disappear), and you will end up losing both women. Then your thoughts will be...what if I had stayed with my wife?

 

James, thank you.

 

I have not told my wife about the other night.

 

If I do, this will destroy her and any chance we have of salvaging things.

 

I am done with hurting other people

 

My family need me. My kids are just babies really

 

I may be a crappy Husband but maybe it's not too late for me to be a halfway decent Dad

[mattym]

That's good. Read up and also do some writing for yourself. Journaling can help you figure out some things floating in your head, make some sense of it.

 

So what if it's late? It's an email! Send it Matt! You're procrastinating and tomorrow you'll find a reason NOT to send it, some excuse. DO IT and hit send. Then block her email. DO IT. I know it will hurt but you need to do this if you want to save your marriage.

 

Only because it's Sat night and if I know her she's out drinking and partying. If she gets back and checks that while drunk I'll probably start getting calls in the night...thought it would be better for her to see sober?

[annabelle75]

Only because it's Sat night and if I know her she's out drinking and partying. If she gets back and checks that while drunk I'll probably start getting calls in the night...thought it would be better for her to see sober?

 

Stop making excuses.

 

Come clean to your wife and let her make the choice that is right for her. You have lost the righ tto make those choices for her.

[whichwayisup]

So what? Again, you're putting too much concern for the OW. She is a drinker and a party girl! THERE is NO good time to send the email...Just do it now.

 

Dammit Matt! You won't tell your wife the truth about your recent roll in the hay with the OW and now you won't send the goodbye email off to the OW because she may be drunk when she reads it later....WHO CARES???????? If she calls, tell her to never contact you again and then you hang up on her. End of story. Out of your hands and let the OW go heal herself....STOP being so concerned about her feelings! She isn't about yours, because if she calls you she'll be showing you how little respect she has for you, your marriage, your wife and your children. Calling you at home would be a BIG mistake and if she DOES call you, hang up on her immediately! Don't engage in ANY conversation with her.

[Ladyjane14]

Honest to God... it's like watching a slow-motion trainwreck!

 

I felt a withdrawal symptom when I spoke with her that made me want to see her again - if I'm honest the thought of 'just holding her one more time' appealed to me inside somewhere, so I'd have something to remember...I dunno. I can't justify it, only try & understand it

 

I was too weak to have seen her and behaved sensibly. Now I've compounded the problem...

 

Matt... if you were a crack addict would you load the pipe and then expect to just walk away without lighting it?

 

Face it... you gave yourself permission for another "hit". And set yourself back to 'Day One' in the process. But your addiction doesn't affect only you. It affects your FAMILY. It alters the outcome of their LIVES.

 

I think WWIU is right. You're not going to understand the seriousness of your situation until your wife gets fed up, tosses you out, and moves on with her life. You've said NOTHING which leads me to believe that you're ready to take the steps necessary for preventing future contact with OW. You need to NEVER see or speak to that woman again for the rest of your life. And that means... getting some counseling, changing your contact information, getting a new job, even moving to a new city if necessary, and above all prioritizing the needs of your wife and family as paramount.

 

You know, I've ridden your ass about all this... but in truth, that's because I feel sorry for you.

You just can't seem to SEE the manipulative behavior of this "Drama Queen". You're like a moth to the flame, never imagining you're about to be toasted to a crisp.

 

She said that if I went to W, blamed her for everything and said 'it was a mistake, lets move on' she'd be happy with that, and wouldn't feel guilty for being a homewrecker. I sense somewhere though that she still holds out hopes that I'll leave and go to her

 

You "sense" it? Dude... you better KNOW it. It's as plain as the nose on your face, and written right there in bold where she claims she doesn't want to "feel guilty for being a homewrecker".

 

C'mon. That wasn't bothering her too much when she thought you were going to leave your wife for her, was it? Because if it was... she wouldn't have been planning her life around the wreckage of your marriage and family dynamic.

 

I know we hear all that bullsh*t all the time from the OP about "feeling guilty"... but really, how "guilty" could one be feeling when they're still willing to f*ck up somebody else's life. We're talking crocodile tears here, man. Meaningless drivel. Words without action. Even the last time you saw this woman she hounded you about if you were "torn between your wife and lover". That's just her crankin' open the wound so she can gain access to your brain-space, pal.

 

Honestly, I don't know HOW you guys fall for some of this crap.

It's soooooo transparent.

 

I told OW on the phone that this hasn't been easy for me, and I feel like a broken man. She said ' Yeah, it must be hard having 2 women love you' - I guess I shouldn't have expected sympathy!

 

Another comment designed to access your guilt.

 

 

 

Matt, you're throwing all that's good and wholesome out of your life for the sake of an emotional vampire, someone who feeds on YOUR confusion and turmoil, someone who validates herself as important by the effect she has on other people's lives.

 

Can't you see how she manipulates empathy from you? Can't you see how that FEEDS her ego?

All the while, you're withholding that same empathy from your wife, your children, and even yourself. And I say "even yourself" because somewhere, way down deep, you KNOW the wreck and ruin your life will become if you end up in servitude to this woman's ego, always bolstering up her flagging self-esteem. That is, until your efforts aren't good enough anymore and she moves on to a fresher meat.

[whichwayisup]

If I do, this will destroy her and any chance we have of salvaging things.

Maybe by telling your wife is will actually FORCE something to actually happen. You and the OW will either be together shortly or it will free you of the OW.

 

Are you prepared for the OW to tell your wife that you two screwed afew days ago? Yes, it could happen if the OW is stalkerish enough and doesn't want to let go....Consquences...THAT is why you MUST end it with the OW now and send off that email. DO it Matty.

[smoochygirl]

Matt If you are going to email your OW tell her how you feel about her and how you feel about your wife (the truth), Tell her you both love them but choose to be with your family because you don't want to hurt your kids and everybody who's involve. She might understand this If you would tell her everything and the truth about how you feel.

 

I can understand why your wife feel this way. I think the reason why she's hanging on to you because she have a competition and she will hang on to you until she don't feel threaten anymore, when the time comes where she realized what you've done, you have to prepare yourself.

[whichwayisup]

Matt If you are going to email your OW tell her how you feel about her

 

NO, the whole point of the letter is to end the A completely and go No Contact! He doesn't need to tell the OW how he feels about her, alll that will do is feed the fuel to the fire and bring MORE on! THe OW needs to be swiftly and respectfully put out of his life for good.

 

Enough already, just send the OW the email Matt.

[whichwayisup]

Tell her you both love them but choose to be with your family because you don't want to hurt your kids and everybody who's involve. She might understand this If you would tell her everything and the truth about how you feel.

 

The OW won't "hear" that and it won't sink in either. She wants to be Matty's wife, step mom to his kids! BIG mistake by explaining himself to her...

[mattym]

Honest to God... it's like watching a slow-motion trainwreck!

 

 

Thank you so much Ladyjane - I wish I'd chatted on here BEFORE I let the affair in my head become the affair in her bed!

 

Everything you say is so right

[whichwayisup]

Then send the email Matt and be done with it. If you wait afew days to send it, you won't send it and the OW will call you.

 

Sure, right now you feel remorseful and sad, full of regret...But in a week from now when you need your "fix" aka "the OW" you will cave and go to her again when she calls. Sorry but I really think you need to let your wife know what happened, the truth, so you can FEEL consquences so you'll change your ways.

[mattym]

Then send the email Matt and be done with it. If you wait afew days to send it, you won't send it and the OW will call you.

 

Sure, right now you feel remorseful and sad, full of regret...But in a week from now when you need your "fix" aka "the OW" you will cave and go to her again when she calls. Sorry but I really think you need to let your wife know what happened, the truth, so you can FEEL consquences so you'll change your ways.

 

Just sent it. Pretty much word for word. Guess I have to wait for the repurcussions now.

God I feel like a cold-hearted b*st*rd for doing it via email though

[IpAncA]

God I feel like a cold-hearted b*st*rd for doing it via email though

Little late for that. Now lets see if you can do no contact (N/C).

 

I do think that you should come clean with your W. If you want to still be with her then no more lies and no more hiding things from her.

[whichwayisup]

Would you rather be standing between your wife and the OW, deciding who you want more? Or do you want to love your wife, be a husband and a good father UNDER the same roof all together?

 

I know that was hard to do, but you did the right thing. Sorry I pushed you so hard but you need that fire lit under your butt to DO it. Trust me, in afew weeks from now you'll thank me for it!

 

There should be no repurcussions...And, if the OW contacts you, ignore her. JUST like you said the email.

[whichwayisup]

God I feel like a cold-hearted b*st*rd for doing it via email though

 

Just keep this in mind.

 

-The OW knew you were married, had children and allowed the affair to happen anyway.

-The OW within 2 weeks in, pictured herself married to you, playing 'stepmommy' to your kids.

-You had gut feelings and saw BIG RED FLAGS ALL along, but let your emotions rule your good and better judgement.

-You KNOW that this OW is not a long term. It's an addiction, a habit, and very sexual and selfish. IT IS NOT TRUE LONG LASTING LOVE.

 

Matt, go back to page one and re-read all your posts. You know the OW was wrong for you, even if there were feelings there.

[mattym]

I've been blinded by my feelings for this woman. I have put her ahead of my own family and feel disgusted with myself that I've allowed someone to have this much control over me. I'm 37 FFS, not 17!

[smoochygirl]

Just sent it. Pretty much word for word. Guess I have to wait for the repurcussions now.

God I feel like a cold-hearted b*st*rd for doing it via email though

 

Hoy matt For the first time, you did the right thing.

[JamesM]

James, thank you.

 

I have not told my wife about the other night.

 

If I do, this will destroy her and any chance we have of salvaging things.

 

I am done with hurting other people

 

My family need me. My kids are just babies really

 

I may be a crappy Husband but maybe it's not too late for me to be a halfway decent Dad

 

Unless you tell her, unfortunately, you will always feel the guilt.

 

If you don't tell her, it is most likely she will find out one day, and it will begin this nightmare all over again. And then she will wonder if you have any more hidden lies.

 

If I only could believe that you are done hurting other people. Affairs are like addictions. The first one is the hardest, but after that, it is easier to start one and hide one.

 

Yes, your family needs you, but it is a little late to remember that now. You actually can still become a good husband and father, but the two are tied together.

 

I wish you the best, but you have an uphill battle.

 

Oh, I am glad you sent the email. Now you need to never meet this OW again. Having been addicted to a woman when single, I know that this is easier said than done, but it is also necessary. As soon as you meet her in person, you can very easily begin sex again. You have proved this already.

[Ladyjane14]

Within 2 weeks of seeing her she was telling me God had given her a '2nd chance at happiness' in the form of me. I thought I'd shatter her if I told her otherwise, and I was weak and enjoyed the ego-boost she gave me so I continued it, lied to her and encouraged her to get my own way.

 

My selfishness has probably destroyed her.

 

 

Matt, can't you see that YOU are the one who's emotionally vulnerable in this scenario?

 

Do me a favor... Draw an outline of a man on an 8 x 10 sheet of paper. Not a stick figure, but rather like a hand-puppet. Let's pretend he's an emotional voodoo doll. Now, divide his interior into categories thusly:

 

Comments which make me feel masterful.

Comments which make me feel guilty.

Comments which make me feel attractive.

Comments which make me feel confused.

Comments which make me feel sympathetic

 

Now, start filling in your voodoo man. You can put that..."God has given her a '2nd chance at happiness" comment in the "masterful" section.

 

I think what you're going to see as your voodoo man takes form, is that soooooo much of what you've heard from her has been designed all along to manipulate you emotionally. YOU are the guy who's in trouble here, Matt. YOU are the guy who's vulnerable.

 

JamesM had a defining comment earlier. You KNEW you'd catch virtual hell for coming back in here telling us you had sex with the OW again. But you MUST want the help. It would've been so easy not to post. Think about it. Underneath it all, you WANT intervention.

 

And take WWIU's advice about the NC letter. Do it today. Really. Your marriage CANNOT survive unless this affair ends.

 

Personally, I don't think it'll be the last you hear from the OW no matter what you say in that letter.... because I DON'T believe she has your best interest at heart. I think she's giving you lip service to that effect, but I think in the end you'll most likely find that she's one who serves HERSELF first.

[whichwayisup]

I'm 37 FFS, not 17!

 

And how old is the OW again? 30? She's not 17, she's an adult too so I'm sure she will be fine.

 

Funny how afew days ago she was ready to committ suicide and shortly after that she was fine...I'm just saying...

 

I've been blinded by my feelings for this woman. I have put her ahead of my own family and feel disgusted with myself that I've allowed someone to have this much control over me.

 

Answer me this Matty. Will you please consider some one on one counselling for youself?