My Wife found out about me

[Ladyjane14]

Just sent it. Pretty much word for word. Guess I have to wait for the repurcussions now.

God I feel like a cold-hearted b*st*rd for doing it via email though

 

We were posting near the same time and I missed this. Good for you, Matt. But DON'T YOU DARE feel bad about it. Take those feelings and transform them into feeling good about doing right by your wife and family instead. Feeling like a "cold-hearted bastard" is leaving her an inroad to your psyche. You can't afford the luxury of leaving those kind of openings.

[mattym]

Thank you all so much for your comments tonight

 

I didn't want to post what had happened this week, I felt like a failure even typing it and knew the flaming that might ensue, but this is the best place I could turn to

 

LJ14 - I know what you say about this girl is right, but to think of someone I had nothing but good feelings for in this way is a shock to my system and has made me question myself. I am normally a good judge of character - how could I have been blindsided and risked so much?

[mattym]

Answer me this Matty. Will you please consider some one on one counselling for youself?

 

Yes, i'd like that

[JamesM]

Thank you all so much for your comments tonight

 

I didn't want to post what had happened this week, I felt like a failure even typing it and knew the flaming that might ensue, but this is the best place I could turn to

 

 

You are welcome. Hopefully all of the great advice you have received will make a difference and "help" you save your marriage. Or rather motivate you to save your marriage.

 

And that is why I am glad you posted about your failures. You have actually shown more character by posting your failures than by hiding them.

 

how could I have been blindsided and risked so much?

 

For some reason this struck me funny.

 

As a guy, I KNOW how you could have been blindsided. As many sarcastic and cynical women say, "You were thinking with the wrong head." And they would be right.

 

Your thoughts were for today's pleasure and not about tomorrow's pain. If you had really been thinking about what your future would be and if she is what you really want, then you would never have been in the sack so quickly. If you had wanted her for a true partner, then you would have divorced your wife and then dated this OW. But no, you wanted to experience the wonderful pleasure (?) of an affair. But you did not count on the pain that inevitably follows the pleasure...and nullifies any pleasure that there was.

 

You are not the first and sadly will not be the last.

[whichwayisup]

I know opening up here, putting yourself in a vunerable state in a public forum isn't easy, so I commend you for that. And for being honest...So, keep on being honest, not only here but with yourself and to your wife. Love your family, work hard to keep what you have alive and well.

 

Yes, i'd like that

 

Definately look into that then, it'll help you understand all the why's and how's...

 

As a guy, I KNOW how you could have been blindsided. As many sarcastic and cynical women say, "You were thinking with the wrong head." And they would be right.

It's what I thought! Thinking with the wrong head...

[Mino]

 

OMG, this is so familiar. I'm sure she says that you are a good guy and that she loves how much you care about your family. Probably doesn't want to hear anything about your wife. Bet she sometimes ignores the fact that your wife exists. She doesn't want you to feel guilty because just like her, you are just looking for happiness. She's always there for you no matter what. Right?

 

Beware Matt, it's not like that when you disappoint her.

Your too funny, You must he watching fatal atrraction everyday. Why are you scaring him like this. Scare tactic is what I call it. Matt, I am an ow Believe me most ow want to end R themselves too. If my mm came to me and said he wants to work on M, I would respect that, I would do nc. We (ow) are not stalkers....... That can be said for some bw too. That is a personality disorder not to be given to a group. I have had a boyfriend that turned into one. So please dont catorgize us into this title. 99% of us would never even consider this, it is beneath us, thanks

[whichwayisup]

We (ow) are not stalkers.......

 

But, sadly many are. (And the OW in Matty's situation has shown her colours and done all the tricks in the book and played games with him. Her behaviour is questionable. Even he is worried she'll call him at home...Repricussions.)

 

I think anyone who is pushed past their emotional limit, been hurt badly, can do and say things they normally wouldn't do.

[Mino]

Matt, I think it IS a grown up thing to tell someone that you have shared your life with, some of your dreams with, to their face. I also think the MORE honest you are with the OW, the less painful it is for her.

 

You shared emotion with her. You were initmate with her. At your own admission, you agreed with her dreams and "strung her along" in a way, when really you knew you would never leave your W and family.

 

She knew she got involved with a MM, yes. So she has her part to play in the guilt. But she doesn't deserve to be thrown under a bus for it.

 

I LOVE my MM. With all my heart. Hearing honestly from him, knowing he resepcted me enough to tell me face to face, would deplete my initial anger and hurt, not increase it. Getting an email from him telling me this would have destroyed me - I put blind faith into him, while he helped me build my dreams of the future.

 

I think it shows compassion. You're on a forum for those who have had the pain of infidelity from the wayward spouses. Take a look over on the Other Woman board and see the pain inflicted on OW by their MM.

 

Tell her honestly and truthfully that you want to remain in your M and cannot contact her again. You've inflicted pain on both women - both have not known your real intentions and it is fair that you are now honest with them both. I really do think that it will help your OW move on with her life if you're honest and you end the relationship respectfully and with dignity.

 

Then apply that same dignity to your W and work on yourself and your M. I also agree that leaving work is your first priority. Working with an ex-OW does not give your chance to focus on healing herself. It just re-inforces the possible contact with OW.

Thank you JNRR, finally somebody told him that he is getting hit by bs who are pretty bitter, the do not see ow as a human being. He does owe it to the ow to be honest an not in an email. That would make me spit fire, Great post JNRR once again

[whichwayisup]

He does owe it to the ow to be honest an not in an email.

 

Coulda shoulda woulda. Sorry but the OW doesn't matter anymore. Matt has already sent her the goodbye email and this was after they went NC anyway...He just wanted to make sure SHE knew and understood NC meant forever and the A was over.

 

Please respect Matt in the sense of pushing him towards the OW or making things OK by her. He needs encouragement from everyone to focus on his wife, to stay strong and appreciate he's been given a chance to make things right with his wife.

 

Tell her honestly and truthfully that you want to remain in your M and cannot contact her again

 

Yup J, he's done that tonight. Let's just hope the OW respects this and stays away.

[Ladyjane14]

LJ14 - I know what you say about this girl is right, but to think of someone I had nothing but good feelings for in this way is a shock to my system and has made me question myself. I am normally a good judge of character - how could I have been blindsided and risked so much?

 

How could you have been so blindsided and risked so much???

 

Well, let's think it out. You're not unintelligent, so you knew the risks. And what that tells you is that, at least at the time, you considered those risks to be tolerable. Which means you wanted what you wanted badly enough to withstand those risks.

 

But you barely knew this girl, Matt. So... all we can conclude is that "what you wanted" really wasn't about her as a specific person. "What you wanted" was a something she could do for you, the way interacting with her made you feel about yourself.

 

It was coming from within YOU all this time. It still is.

 

There's a hole somewhere inside, a need you had. And this OW was filling it for you.

 

I'm not a professional, but I suspect it's some kind of self-esteem or anxiety issue where maybe you weren't feeling all that good about yourself. And here, somebody comes along and bolsters your ego, tells you what a great guy you are, gives you intimacy. It's heady stuff. And once Infatuation sets in, it's addictive.

 

The trick to overcoming all this and being your own man again, is to become whole on the inside. That's why counseling can be a great thing for you. A good therapist will be able to help you identify what was lacking inside so you can putty up that hole with something that's TRULY good and long-lasting for your self-esteem.

 

People tend to ignore that which they can't see and readily identify. Heck, if you were bleeding at the ears, you'd get yourself some medical attention, right?

This is no different. You just can't see the blood is all. But the injury is still there... whatever void that's inside you is still there.

 

Get it looked at, man. Not just for your own sake, but for your family's as well. They love you, and they're bound to feel helpless watching you slide down into a chasm of your own making. You've got to get in there, get help, dig deep, and pull yourself back out.

[sandim]

Matt,

I haven't been posting but following the thread to see what you have been up to. Here comes the 2x4 that I have withheld a few times while responding to you, but now, you get it, full shot......

I can tell you this much, if you were my husband and you had done a day with the OW after you told me that you were done and wanted to rebuild our marriage, you sorry butt would be out the door before you got home.

You went to see her, knowing that the door was still open. She's played her poor pitiful me cards and you bit, hook , line and sinker. What is wrong with you man? Are you pushing your wife to tell you to leave? If that is what you are doing, I can almost guaran-damn-tee that you are going to get it and much sooner than you think.

I have been waiting, knowing that you were going to do what you are going to do, despite all of the advice, and 2x4's, and the hand holding that you have been given here.

You seem to think that you can keep playing both women and I can almost guarantee you that now, when or if you decide to break it off with the OW again, she will either threaten to tell your wife, or she is going to be "pregnant".....If this weren't so damn sad to watch happen, it would be a poorly written soap opera.

Time after time, someone here has predicted what is going to happen next with the OW, and you still think that we are all just talking out of our collective rear ends and don't know or understand.......we do Matt. We have been there, done that and gotten the damn t shirts too.......yet, despite that, you continue on this self destructive path.

Your OW is just another manipulative woman who played with fire, but you are supposed to feel oh so powerful because you destroyed her??? I guess you must be a god too, being that you are so all powerful. She had a string of relationships that she got out of by cheating on the men in them...how exactly do you think that she got involved with the next one? Telling her "sob" story about all of her failed relationships, how neglected she was, or unhappy, or hurt by ( you fill in the blank).....she's just one freaking messed up woman and yet you keep jumping when she tells you too, just like a puppet on her string.

What price is too high for those you claim to care about to pay for your actions Matt? How many people can you continue to hurt that will be left in the trail of your actions?

You said when you first showed up here that you felt like a creep and a scum bag, well how do you feel now that you played right into the OW's hands? I know how your wife will feel when she finds out......but with a little luck on your side, you won't have to witness the aftermath that will have her sobbing in a corner on her knees while she tries to muffle the sobs as her tries to figure out what she is going to tell the kids, your families and friends...

I am so disappointed that you chose this path Matt......I feel for your wife and kids. Too bad you obviously don't feel the same.

Sandi

[frannie]

He does owe it to the ow to be honest an not in an email. That would make me spit fire...

 

To be honest, I think the wording of the email was somewhat too emotionless, sounds like it wasn't his real feelings, which is what would get to me too. It would be more likely to make me want further contact to get to 'the truth' than accept that it's over.

 

Actually the very same thing happened to me three months into my affair with MM. He broke it off with me, because he realised he couldn't leave his family. But he called me, was very honest about how he felt, and stuck to a determined line that it was over. I just accepted it, because I could tell there was nothing I could do and it was his considered response to our problem. So we split up.

 

If he'd emailed me in the terms matt just used... I'm not so sure I'd have laid down quite so quietly, but I would have accepted it eventually, probably after some more emailing for clarification. But then I don't know how different I am to matt's OW...

 

But the main point is that matt HAD TO break it off with the OW, for everyone's sanity. Nothing good was going to come of continuing this, and it might still be too late for his marriage. Just hope that he doesn't drop the ball again.

 

And matt, well done for keeping coming back here for help. Speaking from the OW's point of view, you ARE doing the best thing for her anyway in breaking it off. Just don't leave her wondering, but be clean about it. Please, no more goodbye dates and sex. You can't save her... certainly not by sacrificing your marriage and children.

[mattym]

As I thought would happen, got up today and sure enough - she's called my phone....at 3am!

 

I knew she would - she's probly been out with friends and the booze has given her some dutch courage

 

I anticipated it so the phone was on silent, but regardless of that, who calls someone at 3am knowing they have young kids asleep?

[smoochygirl]

To be honest, I think the wording of the email was somewhat too emotionless, sounds like it wasn't his real feelings, which is what would get to me too. It would be more likely to make me want further contact to get to 'the truth' than accept that it's over.

 

Actually the very same thing happened to me three months into my affair with MM. He broke it off with me, because he realised he couldn't leave his family. But he called me, was very honest about how he felt, and stuck to a determined line that it was over. I just accepted it, because I could tell there was nothing I could do and it was his considered response to our problem. So we split up.

 

If he'd emailed me in the terms matt just used... I'm not so sure I'd have laid down quite so quietly, but I would have accepted it eventually, probably after some more emailing for clarification. But then I don't know how different I am to matt's OW...

 

But the main point is that matt HAD TO break it off with the OW, for everyone's sanity. Nothing good was going to come of continuing this, and it might still be too late for his marriage. Just hope that he doesn't drop the ball again.

 

And matt, well done for keeping coming back here for help. Speaking from the OW's point of view, you ARE doing the best thing for her anyway in breaking it off. Just don't leave her wondering, but be clean about it. Please, no more goodbye dates and sex. You can't save her... certainly not by sacrificing your marriage and children.

 

This is a really the best OW point of view.

[Lyssa]

Matt, you really have to look deep inside yourself and ask yourself this - what is it that you really want or you really don't know??

 

Think really hard and make the decision.

[smoochygirl]

Matt, you really have to look deep inside yourself and ask yourself this - what is it that you really want or you really don't know??

 

Think really hard and make the decision.

 

His been thinking really hard like "should i leave my wife and be with my OW" or "Should i stay with my wife because there's no future with OW"

He's been thinking really Hard what is the best decision he will make for HIMSELF, for his benefits. Matt i sound like a broken record but i think you have to think first for your kids, your kids safety, and the feeling of every peoples involve (your wife and OW) The clock is ticking, if you don't get yourself straighten out you will loose everything, your family. Will you be really completely happy with your OW you just start to sleep with for 3 months or your family, your wife and kids who are truly devoted to you, the family you build.

You have to clear your head up and start to choose now so you can save time for your wife or OW.

[Tomcat33]

OK, here's what I don't understand. Your W found out about the affair, which must raise some red flags with her as to your conduct and whereabouts. And yet, you can still sneak off for what sounds like a day and most of a night to commiserate, court and screw the OW.

 

 

 

I know seriously!!! What is wrong with the W that she trusts like that automatically after everything that has gone down, sounds exactly like my exe's W who plays a blind eye. This all sounds so messed up to me...it's no wonder Matt is torn, furthermore Matt is his own worst enemy, he will stick to his guns as longs as the OW does but I sense that as soon as she shows signs of wanting more he will be right there again, sneaking and lying. Why? Because there will always be a justfication and he knows he can get aways with it it's tried and tested and the sole reason why in some cases trying to trust a cheating spouce is just asking for more grief. This can go on for a very long time I'm afraid...

[Tomcat33]

I anticipated it so the phone was on silent, but regardless of that, who calls someone at 3am knowing they have young kids asleep?

 

 

Someone who does not have a clear picture of what is expected of them. Let's face it Matt you have left a door open and you know why, until you close that door firmly shut you know VERY well why she is still coming around!!

 

If you want her out of your life for good make it clear and be firm and pull up your pants and commit to one side or the other, but this pussy footing around is for the birds. C'mon Mat!!!

 

And face it no matter which side you choose you will always wonder about the other side "what if" so accept that and make a decision and stick to it.

[Tomcat33]

How could you have been so blindsided and risked so much???

 

.

 

 

Because he is doing it because he HAS to not because he wants to. I don't believe for a second that he really wants to salvage his marriage, not for a second. Especially after sleeping with the OW again. Heck maybe he even wants his W to find out to make it easy on him so she does the dirty work and decides to kick him out. His guilt is eating away at him and he know he SHOULd work on the marriage but there is a whole part of him that is telling him otherwise.

[Tomcat33]

I know what you say about this girl is right, but to think of someone I had nothing but good feelings for in this way is a shock to my system and has made me question myself. I am normally a good judge of character - how could I have been blindsided and risked so much?

 

Because no matter what anyone says here or anywhere you know the reality of your situation no matter what it looks like from the outside. What you should beat yourself up for is not for falling in love with a woman, but for falling in love with a woman while married. You really have no clue how things would have turned out with her if you were in conditions to proceed with the rel so don't deny the feelings you do have for here, they are as real as what you feel. Yes you needed to learn more about here but while you were with her what you felt what you felt, why try to mess yourself up even more to think you totally went against your judgement on her, you lack of judgment was on falling for someone while still involved with a W, you have no clue about the rest as NO one here does.

[Lyssa]

His been thinking really hard like "should i leave my wife and be with my OW" or "Should i stay with my wife because there's no future with OW"

He's been thinking really Hard what is the best decision he will make for HIMSELF, for his benefits. Matt i sound like a broken record but i think you have to think first for your kids, your kids safety, and the feeling of every peoples involve (your wife and OW) The clock is ticking, if you don't get yourself straighten out you will loose everything, your family. Will you be really completely happy with your OW you just start to sleep with for 3 months or your family, your wife and kids who are truly devoted to you, the family you build.

You have to clear your head up and start to choose now so you can save time for your wife or OW.

 

I kinda left a few words out, it was intended to be sarcastic. I've read and yes, he has only been thinking of himself... and the OW.

[Lyssa]

Seeing your OW for the last time is really not going to make things better. Not for your, OW or your family. I really think you should let go of your marriage. Let your wife find someone else that would take really good care of her and kids. I doubt she would want that though because after giving you chances, you took the chance to sleep with your OW.

[mattym]

Because he is doing it because he HAS to not because he wants to. I don't believe for a second that he really wants to salvage his marriage, not for a second. Especially after sleeping with the OW again. Heck maybe he even wants his W to find out to make it easy on him so she does the dirty work and decides to kick him out. His guilt is eating away at him and he know he SHOULd work on the marriage but there is a whole part of him that is telling him otherwise.

 

You are right, tomcat3...I DO feel EXACTLY like that. There are 2 voices continually arguing in my mind. When I am with my W the voice for OW quietens, but reappears at times. When with OW, I see families etc and the voice for them is in my head. It has been this way for months, and trying to figure out the 'true' voice has driven me to despair, which is how I found myself here

 

Who of us doesn't look back on on something in our lives and think 'what if..'? That's how I have thought, and I know that by procrastinating I risk losing everything on both sides

 

I know it's 11.59 on the clock for this now and it's time to choose. As someone here said, I have been thinking all along of what's best for ME, and maybe that's the whole problem. This isn't JUST about me is it? It's about 2 women who for whatever reason love me. It's also about 2 young children who need me.

 

I care about both these women. Neither of them have done anything but show me kindness. However as I think you said, they have been playing by different rules

 

1 thought I was going to leave my W, that I 'really' wanted to be with her. I told her that, led her on so she would continue the R I had become addicted to. She made me feel on top of the world, and that's a huge thing to give up. It was fun, it was exciting and it was dangerous

 

It's not fun or exciting anymore, but it's sure as hell dangerous

 

The other woman is innocent in all this. She has never been anything but loyal to me, and is the Mother of my children. Even now, she says nothing to people about what I've done..to protect me and he family, while I walk all over her.

 

For that reason alone I have to try & make amends and put her FIRST. Perhaps then for the first time I will actually have acted in an UNselfish way

[Tomcat33]

You are right, tomcat3...I DO feel EXACTLY like that. There are 2 voices continually arguing in my mind. When I am with my W the voice for OW quietens, but reappears at times. When with OW, I see families etc and the voice for them is in my head. It has been this way for months, and trying to figure out the 'true' voice has driven me to despair, which is how I found myself here

 

Who of us doesn't look back on on something in our lives and think 'what if..'? That's how I have thought, and I know that by procrastinating I risk losing everything on both sides

 

I know it's 11.59 on the clock for this now and it's time to choose. As someone here said, I have been thinking all along of what's best for ME, and maybe that's the whole problem. This isn't JUST about me is it? It's about 2 women who for whatever reason love me. It's also about 2 young children who need me.

 

I care about both these women. Neither of them have done anything but show me kindness. However as I think you said, they have been playing by different rules

 

1 thought I was going to leave my W, that I 'really' wanted to be with her. I told her that, led her on so she would continue the R I had become addicted to. She made me feel on top of the world, and that's a huge thing to give up. It was fun, it was exciting and it was dangerous

 

It's not fun or exciting anymore, but it's sure as hell dangerous

 

The other woman is innocent in all this. She has never been anything but loyal to me, and is the Mother of my children. Even now, she says nothing to people about what I've done..to protect me and he family, while I walk all over her.

 

For that reason alone I have to try & make amends and put her FIRST. Perhaps then for the first time I will actually have acted in an UNselfish way

 

Thank you Matt, thank you for your honesty. I hear you speak and I hear EVERYTHING my guy used to tell me. The battle went on for months, he still hanging on to our memories to the hope of us and yet he stays with his W questioning why he doesn't have the guts to do it. It is a very complex situation you are in. My guy did not have children and it was not about sneaking around and exvcitement in that respect with us because we were out in the open, he was seperated and we never snuck around there was no secret except towards his W, everyone else knew. I had such a hard time understanding him for so long, I would dismiss everthing he would say to me and it is exactly what you just said, well the part about not knowing what to do. On the one hand he felt terribly guilty and sad to hurt his W to leave her because he would describe her as nice and not someone he wanted to hurt in any way, he would always repeat to me "I feel tremendous amount of guilt for leaving her because it's not her fault she doesn't excite me intellectually or in other respects" with us it was different we had a very strong intellectual connection something he had never had with another woman not as we share, and so the emotions were so itnense. Of course our sex life was just as intense, and we had just SO much fun togther, I mean everthing we did was fun. Was it spending the night out at dinner or live theatre it was laughs and fun the whole night long ending in marathon sex all weekend at times. I mean it was INTENSE and to go back to what he has now WOW, I mean he cares about her but not like that. And so now all he did was open this huge can of worms but his fear of losing the stability of his car/house.money etc. rreally freaked him out, and gambling on what would happened between us. SO he was torn between breaking the heart of someone who didn't deserve to chance it with me. Mind you we were together for a year so we had a good sense of what we would be like together, but honestly Matt this could plague you for many months to come.

 

My guy is still not over me and it's been 5 months post break up. And I don't see him getting any better, and he manges to lead his W on. It's just not fair Matt. sometimes you have to lose to gain. But if since what you really want is your W then please help yourself and put all your focus on your W. It's the only way. I don't know how you do that, but you start by closing the door for good on the OW. In my case I made it super easy on him I closed the door on him for good. But still it doesn't seem to work.

 

I really feel for you and now can understand how complext these situations really are. I regret the day I met my guy for, him for his W and for me. It is so messe up for all. Mind you I am fine now but it took a lot for me to get to this point, a LOT.

[Tomcat33]

The other woman is innocent in all this. She has never been anything but loyal to me, and is the Mother of my children. Even now, she says nothing to people about what I've done..to protect me and he family, while I walk all over her.

 

For that reason alone I have to try & make amends and put her FIRST. Perhaps then for the first time I will actually have acted in an UNselfish way

 

 

Can I ask you something? Do you respect your W?