My Wife found out about me

[frannie]

What the OW get upset about is exactly what they are doing to Matty here. And you're right, very few MM post to begin with, but it does seem when one does, they all treat him like he was their MM and are giving their opinion with loaded questions and comments.

 

Anyway, as for the email suggestion I wrote for Matty, it was an example of what I thought he should write. Again, he chose to send it more or less as is. He could have added more feeling to it, personalized it, but he didn't.

 

Sorry, but matty is nothing whatever like my MM

 

And my opinion is that he should focus on his marriage, and on himself, and why he needs all this external drama and knights in white action rather than a real relationship. And the only way he can do that is to accept his own actions, end it decisively with his OW, and think about the people who should matter in his life right now. I even thought that in my OWN situation three months in, so it's a breeze in someone else's.

[Ladyjane14]

Then why leave him alone with NC to sort out his M? She hasn't contacted him until the email he sent to her. If she was that desperate to land her MM, why not tell his W that he slept with her when he visited, force his W's hand to end the M and then try and land Matt?

 

Two days doesn't impress me much in the "leaving him alone" column.

Let's see if she can do it for 2 months... or two years.

 

And I'm not convinced she won't eventually tell his wife everything she knows.

You and I both know that there are LOTS of OWs who do, and even more who spend an inordinate amount of time thinkingabout it. We've all seen their threads.

 

Usually though, they don't do it until AFTER the affair is over and they're looking for revenge. Otherwise, 'spilling the beans' is a double-edged sword and she knows it. Because more often than not, it causes a MM to get pissed off enough he drops the OW due to her betrayal of his trust.

 

Witness H2T's story.

[frannie]

As does the OW for falling for someone who was married, who had kids. Can go both ways...Noone was holding guns to heads here - BOTH made choices and allowed this to happen.

 

Only matt has a W and children he's letting down. The OW is just making a mess of her own life, not everyone elses...

[whichwayisup]

he should focus on his marriage, and on himself, and why he needs all this external drama and knights in white action rather than a real relationship. And the only way he can do that is to accept his own actions, end it decisively with his OW, and think about the people who should matter in his life right now

 

I agree with ya 100% there.

 

Matty, how old are your kids? How long have you known your wife? Remember the stuff that brought you two together, and how you both created children together....That in itself should put the OW out of your mind...Think of your kids.

[whichwayisup]

Only matt has a W and children he's letting down. The OW is just making a mess of her own life, not everyone elses...

 

Yes, but she is helping HIM mess up his family life, helping him betray his wife and kids. Ofcourse, in her mind she was picturing herself as his wife, being stepmom TO kids, even before the topic of him leaving came up. She brought it up first and he never did anything to stop her from fantasizing about it. ANYONE with a clear thinking level head would see that creepy and want to protect their kids...

[frannie]

Two days doesn't impress me much in the "leaving him alone" column.

Let's see if she can do it for 2 months... or two years.

 

And I'm not convinced she won't eventually tell his wife everything she knows.

You and I both know that there are LOTS of OWs who do, and even more who spend an inordinate amount of time thinkingabout it. We've all seen their threads.

 

Usually though, they don't do it until AFTER the affair is over and they're looking for revenge. Otherwise, 'spilling the beans' is a double-edged sword and she knows it. Because more often than not, it causes a MM to get pissed off enough he drops the OW due to her betrayal of his trust.

 

Witness H2T's story.

 

Oh how awful of the OW to come clean about what MM did...

 

Would it be far, far better for the W to know absolutely nothing about matt and his exploits..? Personally I don't know... probably she would be better of knowing. But I'm thinking of matt here, since it's his thread and he asked for the advice. For him, I think he'd better make a good job of cutting off the OW, get to therapy, and hope his W still has goodwill towards him. Because I just don't see anything else here other than his W throwing him out if this continues the way it's going.

 

What the OW does or doesn't do is her story, and personally I can't say I blame her for whatever she does. I hope any married man thinking he can mess around and make suggestions of marriage to other women he's not married to learns a lesson in playing with fire. Women aren't playthings, durr

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

As does the OW for falling for someone who was married, who had kids. Can go both ways...Noone was holding guns to heads here - BOTH made choices and allowed this to happen.

 

Agreed WWIU. Which is why I dont agree with your "What the OW get upset about is exactly what they are doing to Matty here." statement. The OW has to accept the responsibility for being in an A, so the statements about her being so guilty for being a homewrecker, I dont buy.

 

I dont see how, by telling Matt to salvage his M, by looking within for the problems HE has that causes him to cheat, I am trying to propagate an OW agenda? Certainly, I've given an OW's perspective once Matt started to place the majority of blame onto her. Anyhoo, this is about Matt, not OW vs MM vs BW. I'm not thinking of my MM. I'm thinking about Matts situation and the unbelievable mess that has been caused in a mere 3 months and the very real possibility that Matt fails to realise he's in danger of losing the one thing he apparently wants to salvage - his M - and he continues to run this risk the more he places blame on the OW (which will probably turn into guilt and then re-establish contact) and he fails to really acknowledge the lack of respect he has for the second chance his W has given him.

[frannie]

Yes, but she is helping HIM mess up his family life, helping him betray his wife and kids. Ofcourse, in her mind she was picturing herself as his wife, being stepmom TO kids, even before the topic of him leaving came up. She brought it up first and he never did anything to stop her from fantasizing about it. ANYONE with a clear thinking level head would see that creepy and want to protect their kids...

 

Well who knows the intricate workings of this situation. We know next to nothing of anything other than OW's actions, her past relationships (in fairly good detail), what she was doing this weekend, how much she drinks and goes out... all through matt's eyes. It's easy to criticise her, but we've heard nothing whatever of matt's wife, her past, matt's past, where matt is all the time when he can be basically writing off a whole day when he was with the OW AFTER his W discovered what was going on.

 

Finger pointing, fine. But what does that all matter..? This is a married man, with a wife and two children he's basically not mentioned anything about for who knows how many pages of thread... it's almost impossible to believe they exist, and we're casual bystanders, not the OW he's been wining, dining and screwing for months now. Who knows what words he weaved and how much he wrote out his family life, his regard for his wife (if he has any, I don't see much), his care for his kids future..? Has he mentioned them to the forum, where he claims he is 'truthful'..? umm... not that I've read.

 

They're written out of the picture...

 

Just a few observations.

[Ladyjane14]

Oh how awful of the OW to come clean about what MM did...

 

Yeah... I always get a good chuckle out of it when they do. BTW, have you told your MM's betrayed wife yet, or is she still in the dark?

And if not, why not?

 

Would it be far, far better for the W to know absolutely nothing about matt and his exploits..? Personally I don't know... probably she would be better of knowing. But I'm thinking of matt here, since it's his thread and he asked for the advice. For him, I think he'd better make a good job of cutting off the OW, get to therapy, and hope his W still has goodwill towards him. Because I just don't see anything else here other than his W throwing him out if this continues the way it's going.

 

I think you're probably right. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like he's really prepared to focus on what he's about to lose. Norajane just rolled on an interesting post... and she's right, he's STILL not asking us how to fix the marriage. He's STILL paying more attention to what the OW is doing than what his WIFE might do.

 

Big Mistake.

 

As far as the wife knowing... Yeah, I think it's in her best interest to know the truth. It allows her to make the best choices for herself and her children. But, as you say, this thread is about Matt.

[Tomcat33]

JNRN Excellent post re the OW being a human being!!

Frannie I agree with your posts as well, I have to go back and copy them can't right now. But in particular the post about how you predicted he would be back to OW time and time again DESPITE what strangers want him to do here, I totally agree with that theory no matter how many letters he sends on LS people's behalf he is still the one who holds the key to his actions the conviction comes within no matter how many "rules" he follows here and it looks like Matt is not there yet, he has not accepted that self conviction, because as you said Frannie only he know the truth of what happened with this OW

 

 

Like many WS, you conveniently gloss over one important fact. Regardless of how lonely, loving and sharing your OW is, she shouldn't steal you from your wife and family to meet her needs. The fact that she is trying to get what she wants by taking you from your marriage makes her, in my eyes at least, a bad person.

 

Look at it this way - like anyone else, I have a need for financial security. Is it OK with you if I meet my needs by breaking into your house and taking what you have ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Oh gimme a break, no one is stealing anything. Matt is not foreign peice stitting on the mantle at the neighbour's home, he is a person with free will and the ability not only to say NO but to make changes.

It really bothers me when people use the example of stealing like the poor little married guy has no choice, he is just a little statue of a man put in the evil OW's purse and snatched off into far away lands. :laugh:

 

Sorry but particularly in this case there is absolutely no stealing going on. Matt admits he lead a woman on, he admits he lied to her to get what she wanted, and the OW bought it. That's not stealing that's called misleading. And Matt is well aware he did it WHY IN THE WORLD are some people trying to talk him out of that?

 

WWIU I am in a rush and can't find the quote now but you asked how many of us tried to commit suicide and called our MM at 3am, I do have to agree with that a lot of us would never cross that line. I for one had my guy's home # he did not hessitate to give it to me and the only time I used it was to call his W on D-day. Otherwise that number does not exist to me, it seems like a HUGE invasion of privacy on another life.

But this OW has her issues and I cannot speak for her, she sounds unstable in some ways but who knows why she is like that. Much like my exe's W. and he told me about her upbringing and why she was the way she was. But unlike my example, the unstable person for MAtt is not in the house it is the person outside the house...which is more reason why some of the cookie cutter advice that is given here might not be best for MAtt's example, he needs to proceed with caution.

 

 

Matt, I really think you should stop focusing on what the OW is doing with her free time, a lot of people go into drinking binges when they deal wih pain or the loss of a loved one. And it's like someone else said (frannie or JNRN) you are not rebuilding your marriage you are obssessing on the OW.

 

I personally think you should not hide the cellphone from your W, it's not you who is making the calls it's the OW. And your W might think you are up to no good by hiding it. Furthermore I think you hide your cell because you don't want your W to take action against the OW, then that would mean she cuts all ties for you...? just a thought...

 

I disagree you should tell your W about the last sex meeting with the OW, that would destroy her more.

 

I'm sorry but after writing everything I just did it just manages to convince me even MORE of the theory that Matt is not a "stolen object" it is so clear what his doing in it is yet some people just want to victimize the poor cheater into being the one who is being taken away by force..I think his contribution and free will choices are demonstrated quite clearly here, to not see that is to be blind to the truth.

[frannie]

Yeah... I always get a good chuckle out of it when they do. BTW, have you told your MM's betrayed wife yet, or is she still in the dark?

And if not, why not?

 

--

 

I think you're probably right. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like he's really prepared to focus on what he's about to lose. Norajane just rolled on an interesting post... and she's right, he's STILL not asking us how to fix the marriage. He's STILL paying more attention to what the OW is doing than what his WIFE might do.

 

Big Mistake.

 

As far as the wife knowing... Yeah, I think it's in her best interest to know the truth. It allows her to make the best choices for herself and her children. But, as you say, this thread is about Matt.

 

Why haven't I told my MM's W what he's up to..? Why WOULD I..? Answer me that one

 

If you check out my earlier posts on this thread it's no surprise to me that matt is still not worrying about his W... he's never worried about her, only ever about his OW, and all he came here to ask was the same question he's asked over and over and over for how many other pages since: what is in the mind of his OW. That's all he's ever asked, really... what's she up to, and what does she want..? WHY is she out with her exes, why is she drunk and happy while I'm in this mess. Did you once see him asking what his W wanted, or what she was thinking..? Me either.

 

If matt's wife was posting, I'd tell her to ditch him right now and focus his mind. If matt's OW were posting, I'd say to give him time to sort his head out, and don't let him come and stay with you because he's a volatile loser kind of MM who leaps out of a marriage at the drop of a hat.

 

But it's matt posting, and like I said in my first post.. he needs to ask himself why he can't be a partner to just one woman, but needs all this attention. And he needs to end it with his OW immediately and properly, hope his W still wants him, and realise that hopping from one woman to another is never going to solve his inner misery...

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Two days doesn't impress me much in the "leaving him alone" column.

Let's see if she can do it for 2 months... or two years.

 

And I'm not convinced she won't eventually tell his wife everything she knows.

You and I both know that there are LOTS of OWs who do, and even more who spend an inordinate amount of time thinkingabout it. We've all seen their threads.

 

Usually though, they don't do it until AFTER the affair is over and they're looking for revenge. Otherwise, 'spilling the beans' is a double-edged sword and she knows it. Because more often than not, it causes a MM to get pissed off enough he drops the OW due to her betrayal of his trust.

 

Witness H2T's story.

 

Two days in the eye of the storm is a real start, LJ, especially after they slept together and he fuelled further hope for her. I'm not convinced she wont tell his W everything either. Thats the risk Matt took when he revisited something he should have left well alone.

 

There are lots of OW who do tell the W's, agreed. There are lots who dont. I think it has a direct relation to the way the R was ended, and in this case, it wasn't ended in a way that the OW wasn't going to gracefully bow out - we both know that - sending an email at 3am after an alcohol fuelled night?

 

It doesn't matter if OW contacts after the A if Matt tells the truth. Matt should be focussed enough on losing his M that he cuts all contact with OW and is truthful with his W about his meeting with OW. Otherwise, that invisible wall between him and his W will remain. No secrets after an affair, right? Isn't honesty about the A the first step to recovery after an affair on Marriagebuilders?

 

He's just not scared enough IMO. The reality hasn't yet bit.

[smoochygirl]

I know seriously!!! What is wrong with the W that she trusts like that automatically after everything that has gone down, sounds exactly like my exe's W who plays a blind eye. This all sounds so messed up to me...it's no wonder Matt is torn, furthermore Matt is his own worst enemy, he will stick to his guns as longs as the OW does but I sense that as soon as she shows signs of wanting more he will be right there again, sneaking and lying. Why? Because there will always be a justfication and he knows he can get aways with it it's tried and tested and the sole reason why in some cases trying to trust a cheating spouce is just asking for more grief. This can go on for a very long time I'm afraid...

 

You can't compare MATT's W to your MM's W because this is a different situation. all i can think about is his W and kids who is obviously a victim of selfishness of lovers who needs to just take off and just leave this poor wife and kids alone so they can start a good life without drama.

[smoochygirl]

To be honest ( and this seems to be the only place I actually AM honest!) I think I have more respect for her post-affair than before

 

I always knew, deep down, that she'd find out about me. When you live with someone their behaviour betrays them, as mine did. Anyone with half a brain recognises small changes in behaviour. I was hiding my phone, 'popping out' for a 10 min errand and returning 2 hours later after a marathon phone call to OW. She's sicne told me she suspected for a long time, but never had proof until she found the text messages

 

I always had visions that when she found out there would be horrendous fall-out. And yes, there were lots of tears, but she has been incredibly dignified, far more than I would have been in her shoes

 

She sat me down last week and without emotion said ' Look, if you want her , go and be with her. I don't want you here just for the kids. You can still see them whenever you want. If we're not enough for you, and not enough for you to be happy, then go to her'

Of course I told OW this and her only reply was ' All I keep hearing is about how understanding your W is. That tells me a lot. You don't want me'

 

Your wife will not be in the market for a long time when you leave so don't feel guilty in leaving her, she's a very good person who will be rewarded by her kindness. It is really hard to wonder "WHAT IF" if you don't take off with your OW. VERY SOON after leaving your family for your OW i will guarantee you that you will REGRET it. Maybe this is the best revenge for your wife to see you miserable living with a controlling and manipulative person.

In making decision there is a saying "BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY"

[smoochygirl]

She's calling my mobile phone. For some reason, throughout our entire relationship, I never divulgd my home number. I always blocked it, thinking 'what if one night it all goes wrong and she gets drunk and rings it?' - How right I was proved!

 

Infact the other night, when she was suggesting she'd end herself, she said ' I wish I had your home number - you are so lucky I don't because I'd be calling your wife now, to tell her it's all my fault. That she can trust you because I'm just a slut who has been crapped on again' - again all the self-pity and booze talking I guess

 

She's a real animal lover, and you know, I've noticed a lot of animal lovers are very empotional people. Maybe it's something to do with animals giving them unconditional love. Just an aside there...

 

Nice that I'm here trying so hard to rebuild things, and she's out getting drunk and partying

 

Oh, did I mention...she was out at ( i recall her planning it now) - her EX-BOYFRIENDS birthday? The one she got pregnant by??!

He's having GF troubles and confides in her apparently...

 

Now is it me, or is that just a little weird?

 

This is really funny, matt i think she is trying to make you jealous. She know she can, and you are.

[bestadvisor]

I'd hurt her (Matt's wife) terribly and I felt as though I did not deserve to live.

 

This is one of the biggest lies on this board, because after he wrote that, days later he wrote "As i spent time with her (the other woman), I began to doubt how I felt again and didn't want her to leave. We had dinner together, and drank together ...and the inevitable happened. We had sex."

 

You obviously didn't feel that bad when you "spent time" with the other woman again and more.

[Tomcat33]

You can't compare MATT's W to your MM's W because this is a different situation. .

 

 

I can do whatever I want actually, and yes they do both seem similar to me in that they both seem very laid back about the betrayal and about how easy it is for both men to keep lying to them after they were caught. How could matt be able to practically spend the night with the OW after getting caught once? where could he possibly say he was all night and how did he come home smelling of sex and possibly booze (they were drinking) with the OW and not have his W get suspiscious? His cell is still ringing off the hook and his W has no clue? C'mon!!

Hello 2x4 anyone?

 

I insist some people just dont'wanna see. My ex's W is the same, mind I was not the one calling him nor did I have sex with him or even want to see him after we were done but he has done 1,001 things to continue to lie to her and still gets away with it. Basically the same thing that was going on when I first met him. I was afraid of his W knowing I was talking to him and he would call me from their very house and she would come and and ask him to dinner WHILE he was talking to me....he wasn't concerned at all I was the one who was uncomfortable and wanted no part of that. Gimme a break,. There'a reason why these men are so comfortable with the idea of getting caught. The interpretation is left up to each individual.

 

Mine is: his W like my ex's are too laid back.

[Tomcat33]

And again by telling MAtt "go ahead and be with this OW if I and the children can't make you happy go and be with this OW" while the sentiment is a good one in that she is making him see that she is on to his absence, she is once again putting all the power in him.

Why doesn't she just kick him out? That would shake some sense into him NOT telling him "well if you want do X then do it" all that does is give Matt some more power to sit on the fence. He seems to feel no real urgency for loss. That's not threatening in any way. And the reality is this nice guy approach with him is NOT working, for whatever reason he says he respects her actions but shows otherwise.

[smoochygirl]

And again by telling MAtt "go ahead and be with this OW if I and the children can't make you happy go and be with this OW" while the sentiment is a good one in that she is making him see that she is on to his absence, she is once again putting all the power in him.

Why doesn't she just kick him out? That would shake some sense into him NOT telling him "well if you want do X then do it" all that does is give Matt some more power to sit on the fence. He seems to feel no real urgency for loss. That's not threatening in any way. And the reality is this nice guy approach with him is NOT working, for whatever reason he says he respects her actions but shows otherwise.

 

Ok if you are so sure to yourself that your MM's W is as bad as you portrayed her to be here and in your head why is your MM(exmm) is still MARRIED to her? Don't give me financial reason crap, there is no reason to stay married if one's is not happy. SO IT IS THE WIFES FAULT? is that what you are saying here? OMG i should never ever be laid back on my marriage Im too afraid my husband would strayed if trust him too much, Most MM strayed because they are selfish, they need ego boost, they want to feel young again, they want to feel the attention of a single person. I notice that you are so IN to matt's situation because maybe you can see you're previous situation in matt's OW.

MATT wife already offer, OFFER him to leave, OFFER HIM TO LEAVE IF HIS FAMILY IS NOT ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE HAPPY. MATTS WIFE NEVER BEG HIM TO STAY, EVEN OFFER HIM TO BE WITH HIS OW IF THAT WILL MAKE HIM HAPPY.

Just those words tells me a lot what kind of WIFE SHE IS. i don't know your married man's wife but there is for sure something that made him stay with her or else he is DIVORCE BY NOW.

[smoochygirl]

I do believe matt respect and love his wife but he just don't respect his marriage with her, so the best solution is divorce.

[bestadvisor]

The reason that makes me believe that Matt will do it again is because this recent event (sex with OM) didn't make him feel as bad as what he did before when his wife first found out (when he talked about he doesn't deserve to live, etc.). He's becoming more shameless now. He is going to do it again and he will eventually stop posting here. That's my prediction.

[whichwayisup]

I do believe matt respect and love his wife but he just don't respect his marriage with her, so the best solution is divorce.

 

And, what bout their kids? What about marriage counselling, atleast TRYING to give it their best. . They both OWE it their kids...

 

He is going to do it again and he will eventually stop posting here. That's my prediction.

 

Even if he does have sex with her again, which I doubt he will, he'll still post here because he IS getting good support. And is thankful for it.

[smoochygirl]

Anyway how do you know his wife is laid back? MATT already stated a few days ago or a week ago that he caught his wife watching the space and his wife loose her appetite, she is in SHOCK!! poor women. now you are just going to say she is laid back? very cold.

[bestadvisor]

 

Even if he does have sex with her again, which I doubt he will.

 

You're so naive. Even after being found out by his wife, he cheats again and probably lied to her about where he was and (definately lied about) what he did. The only difference between him and a serious cheater is that he is doing it with the same woman again and again.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I do believe matt respect and love his wife but he just don't respect his marriage with her, so the best solution is divorce.

 

Smoochygirl, I dont believe you can respect and love a wife and cheat on her with thoughts of leaving her and two little babies after 3 months with an OW. If I was his OW I would seriously be thinking how easy it has been for himself to detach himself from his W and family and that would be a red flag to me, no matter how in love I was with him.

 

The best solution in my mind would be for Matt to work on his M, see if it is salvagable. If that works, great, for him, his W, the kids and the OW (who can move on). If it doesn't at least he tried with all his might to save his M - he doesn't realise he will have just as many "what ifs" if he tries to forge a relationship with OW. "What if...I had stayed...would I have been able to make it work...would W still love me...would my kids turned out the way they turned out...would I be happier...".

 

I feel for Matt. We all make mistakes and at least he's been honest, no matter how awful the truth sounds, on this forum. I just think he's failing to notice the increasingly rapid massive juggernaut heading towards him called "reality"