My Wife found out about me

[OpenBook]

Make yourself believe that you don't NEED that thrill outside of the marriage, that you can find it within yourself, within your marriage and your wife! Spice it up, DO fun stuff together, don't just fall into the "roles" of hubby and wife, daddy and mommy to the kids...You two need to be friends and lovers, as well as husband and wife...All rolled into one.

 

Yes, just as long as you don't tell your W about your thrill-seeking tendencies, or your sociable interactions with the OW. Dishonesty is the best policy. Have fun faking it.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

You know, I guess you could be right. Nicely put. That probabl IS what I wanted, if I could achieve that I would have it all

 

Sadly, this isn't just about me though, is it?

 

Sadly, no it's not Matt, I'm glad you stated that - I was beginning to wonder...

 

On the one hand I have a dedicated, caring Wife, who I guess (in my eyes) got so wrapped up being a Mother that she stopped being a Wife. We had several years together, I felt it was monotonous, and the 'thrill ' had left. However she is just about the only partner who I ever had who provided stability in my life, and was elxible, preventing the need for constant battle to get something my way

 

You know, have you ever thought, your W might want a little excitement in her life too? She will have her own list about all of the things she dreamed you were going to be, and all of the things that may be lacking in her life, especially after looking after two small children. Have you ever asked? Or do you assume she is dutiful, holding it together, happy with monotony too? Do you think she might want the thrill back in her life too? And do YOU think YOu could provide it for HER?

 

On the other hand is OW, who provided excitement, sexual thrills, danger, compliments and the prospect of a thrilling future. However this prospect never seemed realistic. She was emotional, over -reacted, deceptive and in many ways controlling, wanting either things 'her way' or not bothering

 

There's nothing dangerous about an OW who wants to settle down, be a mother to your children and stay in every weekend looking after the kids. Its not going to be dangerous. Its going to be mundane. Not once have I noticed that you love your OW, that your heart really yearns for her, as a person, as someone you want to share your life with? You dont want to discard her because you dont want to discard the feelings you're getting from her - she is your MIRROR. You're looking at her, seeing how she wants you and it reflects the feelings of validation for your ego. But that doesn't make a relationship, honey.

 

 

My W and I chatted again tonight about things. Thats every night now for a month. I was home on time, as i always used to be before all this

 

Progress...did it make you feel good to be back on the right side of the tracks?

 

OW called my phone today. I saw it was her though & didn't answer

 

My stance on that differs from some other posters. Its fair to let her know. Send her a letter that your W helps you to write maybe? But otherwise, I really dont think the OW will stop calling you until she's had some kind of conclusion from you. Before you ask - dont go to see her. Look what happened last time? You're just going to prolong her pain.

 

For the first time in months I actually focussed at work today, which was a pleasant change. No secrets to think about hiding when I got home I guess

 

Well...there is that one little secret of sex the other day Matt, sorry, but I dont think that should be simply brushed under the carpet.

 

Do you think there's anyway for OW and I to at least be sociable when we see each other? To put it all down to life experience?

 

And you were doing so well. No. There's absolutely no way in the world that OW will happily be relegated to a fond afterthought. These are real feelings you are dealing with. The kindest thing to do would be to leave work. Then OW can get on with her life and W will not have to worry about every possible exchange that you and OW could be having during your time at the office.

 

Why would you even want to be friends with OW? You dont sound like you're her friend? There sounds like there is little actual love for her, little appreciation, more an appreciation for how she makes you feel. There's a big difference. There's no friendship there, Matt. Leave it, be a gent, let her move on with dignity if she can and stop forging hope for her with every crumb of communication she gets from you.

 

Also, is there any way to stop the thrill-seeker in me going out looking for this again?

 

I think that's something you need to deal with in individual counselling Matt. IMO, replace the word "thrill-seeker" with "attention-seeker" and you're half the way there.

 

I really hope this works out for you Matt, I know some posters have been harsh but its only because we're all vying for you - many know the problems you face because they themselves have faced them.

[bestadvisor]

 

Well...there is that one little secret of sex the other day Matt, sorry, but I dont think that should be simply brushed under the carpet.

 

 

 

And you were doing so well. No. There's absolutely no way in the world that OW will happily be relegated to a fond afterthought. These are real feelings you are dealing with. The kindest thing to do would be to leave work. Then OW can get on with her life and W will not have to worry about every possible exchange that you and OW could be having during your time at the office.

 

Why would you even want to be friends with OW?

 

 

He said he talked to his wife every night for the past month...I wonder what he told her right after he slept with the OW.

 

You really think this OW will leave him alone....after all, she was a slut....she offered him sex only knowing him for a short period of time and continue to offer it after he rejected it first. What kind of woman is that...especially knowing she was dealing with a married man.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

He said he talked to his wife every night for the past month...I wonder what he told her right after he slept with the OW.

 

You really think this OW will leave him alone....after all, she was a slut....she offered him sex only knowing him for a short period of time and continue to offer it after he rejected it first. What kind of woman is that...especially knowing she was dealing with a married man.

 

I dont come from the same standpoint from you regarding the OW, bestadvisor.

 

I dont know if OW will leave Matt alone or not. But I think Matt gives himself the best chance of cutting all contact by offering her closure through a letter, which Matt's W could also help write - maybe a cathartic experience for them both. I'm advising this based on Matts situation in particular, as his OW sounds relatively unsteady and still holds a secret about him which Matt has yet to disclose to his W.

 

Matt, as you sent OW an email has she responded to it? Is she using all lines of communication to get to you, or is she just using the phone? You see, if she really WAS desperate to get in contact, she would exhaust every opportunity including talking to him at work, emailing, phoning. She doesnt even appear to be leaving voice messages? So maybe she does have some control and just wants to say her piece to Matt before moving on?

[JamesM]

Sadly, this isn't just about me though, is it?

 

On the one hand I have a dedicated, caring Wife, who I guess (in my eyes) got so wrapped up being a Mother that she stopped being a Wife.

 

 

Do you think there's anyway for OW and I to at least be sociable when we see each other? To put it all down to life experience?

 

Also, is there any way to stop the thrill-seeker in me going out looking for this again?

 

Matt

 

 

Sadly, this whole affair WAS about you. That is why you had an affair. If you had sat down as WWIU has already said and complained to your wife...and then did it again and again, then maybe you would not have needed an affair. Having gone through four pregnancies and births, I know what it is like. And truthfully, telling your wife may not have solved the problem immediately, but hey, marriage has its ups and downs. So, this affair is not about your wife or the sexuality of the OW. it is simply about you wanting your needs to be fulfilled...and who cares how the others feel. THAT is why you now have a mess to deal with.

 

The pleasure of your illicit affair has resulted in a painful reality. Nothing can completely take the pain away, but the pleasure you so much desired is becoming a faint memory.

 

What I don't get is why you want to be social with the OW. You need to move on from her. Period. Can you be social with her? Highly doubtful, because there will always be an awkwardness that cannot be erased. If this had been a slight affair (if there can be such a thing), which did not result in such a mess, then it is actually possible. But in this situation, I do not think you can or should you want to be social with her in a friendly way. Crossing paths with her and being friendly? Maybe, but not in a "let's sit down and have coffee/drink" kinda way.

 

Also, is there any way to stop the thrill-seeker in me going out looking for this again?

 

This is the biggest question that we all have here. That is why so many posters here want you to leave your wife before she is hurt again. They have seen this pattern repeated many times. And in your case, you seem not ready to commit to your wife. There is a saying..."Once a cheater. always a cheater." While this definitely is not 100% true, it is quite often the case, because once we have crossed that line we feel comfortable doing it again. Even though you feel all of the pain today, this too shall become a memory to a degree. Then you will be in a frustrating marriage and wonder if she is worth it. Then an opportunity will arise. Perhaps another sexy woman will cross your path and smile at you. The statistics say that there is a greater chance of you repeating your affair because you have had one than there would be if you had never had an affair.

 

But....the reality is that the answer to this question is totally in YOUR control.

[Jinnah]

save your wife the heartache and leave her for the other woman than you can get bored with her after shes not forbidden anymore and move on to a new one every few months or so...great way to show your poor children how NOT to be a man! way to go...

 

Doesn't that just seem like the typical cheating man?

[bestadvisor]

So maybe she does have some control and just wants to say her piece to Matt before moving on?

 

This could potentially be bad advice. Your question (or is it a statement) could encourage Matt to hear what the OM has to say and he will be in la la land again and arrange to see her ONE MORE time and bang.....

[JamesM]

Also, is there any way to stop the thrill-seeker in me going out looking for this again?

 

I had to say something about this again. Is there a way? Yes, but you have already cheated again after you told her you were done with the OW. How do you really think you can avoid cheating in the far future when you cannot even control your urges in the present when the pain is so fresh?

 

As I said before though, the real answer lies within you. Can you control your urges? Can you remind yourself that an affair will result in pain for everyone involved? And if you wife does give you a second chance, is the affair and thrill worth the disgrace and loss of respect from your children? Unfortunately, if you get caught up in the thrill, I doubt your brain will even be thinking of the future...that will be your downfall.

[JamesM]

This could potentially be bad advice. Your question (or is it a statement) could encourage Matt to hear what the OM has to say and he will be in la la land again and arrange to see her ONE MORE time and bang.....

 

 

I agree. There is no reason that matty should see the OW. And if he does, he has proven that he has no control over himself with her. He has said goodbye...leave it at that.

[bestadvisor]

What I don't get is why you want to be social with the OW.

 

 

Isn't it obvious? He wants to have that thrill again by having her around and deep down, he wants that opportunity to do her again when the time and place is right.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

This could potentially be bad advice. Your question (or is it a statement) could encourage Matt to hear what the OM has to say and he will be in la la land again and arrange to see her ONE MORE time and bang.....

 

More of a question, bestadvisor. I dont think Matt should call OW without his W there now, hence why I said to my post to him "Remember what happened last time".

 

I was wondering if Matt was actually getting hounded by OW or whether she was calling him intermittently. I'm just concerned that OW has one big old secret on Matt in the fact he recently slept with her.

 

Does Matt use protection with the OW? Has that been mentioned in the thread? Again, just wondering.

[annabelle75]

This could potentially be bad advice. Your question (or is it a statement) could encourage Matt to hear what the OM has to say and he will be in la la land again and arrange to see her ONE MORE time and bang.....

 

I don't think so. The more I read of this the more I don't think she is as "obsessed" or "unstable" as Matt has tried to portray her. She just sounds like any woman going through a painful break up.

 

I am starting to think that matt wants to think of her as being obsessed and trying to get to him becasue it feeds his ego. Anytime he sees evidence to the contrary (her going out and having fun, hanging out with her ex, not contacting him for days) he gets upset becasue she is trying to move on and then does something (send an email, call, stopping by to see her) to reel her back in and give her hope. In my opinion its gotten really kind of sick.

 

I think the last email he sent was really only just becasue he was upset she had not contacted him in 2 days and was out having a good time. I really don't think this girl is as unbalanced or pathetic as he has made her out to be. I'm starting to think he is the one that won't let go.

 

And ..... if a guy slept with me than dumped me AGAIN via email .... you bet I'd call and give him an earful. Just sounds to me like a girl that got dumped and wants to say her peace.

[whichwayisup]

Not once have I noticed that you love your OW, that your heart really yearns for her, as a person, as someone you want to share your life with?

 

That's the thing, he was 'inlove' with how she made him feel, not her as a person, as a woman who can make his life better. The small amount of time they were together wasn't 'talking' it was all about sex and feeling good.

 

Matty, get yourself checked for STD's. And, don't have sex with your wife until you get the results.

[JamesM]

I don't think so. The more I read of this the more I don't think she is as "obsessed" or "unstable" as Matt has tried to portray her. She just sounds like any woman going through a painful break up.

 

 

 

Your point is very valid, but this is not about the OW. It is about mattym. He has proven that he cannot be trusted to say goodbye with just words...he needs to express himself physically. To me this is understandable. The feelings of being with her are fresh. Based on that, it is best that he does not meet her in person. Besides, I think the person he should really ask is his wife. If she says he could, then he can, but if she cautions against it, then he should not. If he ever wants a marriage with is wife, he will need to feel as free and honest with her as he is with us.

[bestadvisor]

I'm starting to think he is the one that won't let go.

 

This is very obvious because there are things from her that he wants. He didn't beat himself up much for the last encounter he had with this OW, because it's almost becoming habitual.

[JamesM]

 

Matty, get yourself checked for STD's. And, don't have sex with your wife until you get the results.

 

Good point.

 

Since she has been angry at matty, it is possible that she has been with other men during and after his affair. His latest tryst with her may be after some other men. Not putting her down, but he is cheating on his wife, she could be cheating on him.

[annabelle75]

Your point is very valid, but this is not about the OW. It is about mattym. He has proven that he cannot be trusted to say goodbye with just words...he needs to express himself physically. To me this is understandable. The feelings of being with her are fresh. Based on that, it is best that he does not meet her in person. Besides, I think the person he should really ask is his wife. If she says he could, then he can, but if she cautions against it, then he should not. If he ever wants a marriage with is wife, he will need to feel as free and honest with her as he is with us.

 

I agree that he needs to stay as far away from her as possible. I think it is best for all parties involved. He can't seem to control himself with her, his W doesn't deserve to be treated like this any longer and the OW needs to be allowed to just move on (how ever she needs to do so).

 

Above all else, matt needs to SNAP OUT OF IT and come completely clean to his W. This has all just gotten out of control.

[whichwayisup]

Since she has been angry at matty, it is possible that she has been with other men during and after his affair. His latest tryst with her may be after some other men. Not putting her down, but he is cheating on his wife, she could be cheating on him.

And, let's hope she doesn't get pregnant. Try to trap him. NOT saying that is going to happen, but it is a possibility.

[bestadvisor]

Good point.

 

Since she has been angry at matty, it is possible that she has been with other men during and after his affair. His latest tryst with her may be after some other men. Not putting her down, but he is cheating on his wife, she could be cheating on him.

 

Before, during, and after the affair are very possible. Isn't she this girl who like to go out have some drinks and fun...while she's drunk and simi-drunk, it's not that hard to imagine that she hook up with her male friends or some guy at the bar.

[Tomcat33]

This is very obvious because there are things from her that he wants. He didn't beat himself up much for the last encounter he had with this OW, because it's almost becoming habitual.

 

 

Exactly. He already admitted he is doing what he is doing with his W because he HAS to not because he wants to.

 

 

BUT

 

I think it is still too soon, it's only been two weeks since his first post and I think there is still room for recovery, he is going through all the withdrawl symptoms and his head is still in the clouds. If this was two months post then I'd be worried. The thing is we get the benefit of seeing how his mind works during this period, somthing that porbably goes a LOT like this with some other cheaters who are trying to do the right thing and get out.

I think there is still hope once he comes down a bit from the clouds...

[whichwayisup]

Exactly. He already admitted he is doing what he is doing with his W because he HAS to not because he wants to.

 

 

BUT

 

I think it is still too soon, it's only been two weeks since his first post and I think there is still room for recovery, he is going through all the withdrawl symptoms and his head is still in the clouds. If this was two months post then I'd be worried. The thing is we get the benefit of seeing how his mind works during this period, somthing that porbably goes a LOT like this with some other cheaters who are trying to do the right thing and get out.

I think there is still hope once he comes down a bit from the clouds...

Good post TC.

 

Give Matty credit too - The OW called again and he ignored the call. He could have answered, or called her back...He hasn't and that is a positive step in the right direction.

 

Matty, I would like to see you seek that therapy you said you were interested in doing. Call your Dr for a referral or start googlin' therapists in your area.

You CAN get through this, if you really want to.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Isn't it obvious? He wants to have that thrill again by having her around and deep down, he wants that opportunity to do her again when the time and place is right.

 

Sorry JamesM, there seems to be a bit of a misunderstanding as to my posts. I was responding to bestadvisors question as to whether I thought the OW would really leave Matt alone, I dont think any communication with the OW is necessary unless Matt was getting hounded. I certainly didn't advise Matt to contact OW unnecessarily. However, Matt appears to be portraying the OW as calling and he is ignoring her calls. Thats not going to stop unless Matt eventually answers - and his W should be there if he does.

 

Saying that, Matt has already shot himself in the foot by sleeping with OW after his second chance with his W was already on the table. How can he be sure this wont be mentioned in the phone call? Thus, how will Matt stop the phone calls? Just hope she goes away and forgets about it?

 

How can Matt remain calm and focus on his M when his phone rings with the OW who knows he slept with her after his W had offered a second chance? Maybe if Matt had a clean slate he wouldnt need to worry about his OW telling his W about this because he could defiantly deny it. But he did - so maybe he can deny it, but his W sounds a pretty clued up lady.

 

Can he concentrate on his M when there's a secret out there that could destroy all of the work of reconciliation? By not telling his W he slept with OW, the wall of deceit remains, unless Matt denies all, if confronted in front of his W by the OW - even then, that seed of doubt will be placed in his W's thoughts.

 

That phone call isn't going to magically go away.

[whichwayisup]

Well, after they slept together, 2 days went by with NC by both of them. It was Matty who decided he wanted to make sure the OW knew NC meant forever and that is why he asked his question on what to say to her in the email...Hense me giving him a quick draft of what to say...Then, he decided to send it...That's when the calls started at 3am and she's continually calling him now.

 

I'm sure she's hurt and pissed off but now it's over and she can call him all she wants to, he made it clear in his note to her that he will not be responding back to her. She'll stop eventually. (I hope)

[Tomcat33]

Sorry JamesM, there seems to be a bit of a misunderstanding as to my posts. I was responding to bestadvisors question as to whether I thought the OW would really leave Matt alone, I dont think any communication with the OW is necessary unless Matt was getting hounded. I certainly didn't advise Matt to contact OW unnecessarily. However, Matt appears to be portraying the OW as calling and he is ignoring her calls. Thats not going to stop unless Matt eventually answers - and his W should be there if he does.

 

Saying that, Matt has already shot himself in the foot by sleeping with OW after his second chance with his W was already on the table. How can he be sure this wont be mentioned in the phone call? Thus, how will Matt stop the phone calls? Just hope she goes away and forgets about it?

 

How can Matt remain calm and focus on his M when his phone rings with the OW who knows he slept with her after his W had offered a second chance? Maybe if Matt had a clean slate he wouldnt need to worry about his OW telling his W about this because he could defiantly deny it. But he did - so maybe he can deny it, but his W sounds a pretty clued up lady.

 

Can he concentrate on his M when there's a secret out there that could destroy all of the work of reconciliation? By not telling his W he slept with OW, the wall of deceit remains, unless Matt denies all, if confronted in front of his W by the OW - even then, that seed of doubt will be placed in his W's thoughts.

 

That phone call isn't going to magically go away.

 

Yeah I think Matt needs to put his foot down firmly with the OW, tell her I love my W I want to be with her I want it to wprk, I love my family and I want it back. That should be clear enough for the OW. I don't know too many cheaters that have the cojones to say that though...unfortunately...

 

I don't think telling his W about the last sexual encounter with the OW

is going to help.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Well, after they slept together, 2 days went by with NC by both of them. It was Matty who decided he wanted to make sure the OW knew NC meant forever and that is why he asked his question on what to say to her in the email...Hense me giving him a quick draft of what to say...Then, he decided to send it...That's when the calls started at 3am and she's continually calling him now.

 

I'm sure she's hurt and pissed off but now it's over and she can call him all she wants to, he made it clear in his note to her that he will not be responding back to her. She'll stop eventually. (I hope)

 

I hope so too, WWIU. I just think it's food for thought that this OW still holds something over Matt in the fact that he slept with her - she still has one final card to show, and if I was trying to salvage my M, I wouldn't want the last card to be held by an OW who has been ignored.

 

Its tricky.If Matt had told his W (and his wife was still willing to give a second chance or does that become third?) he could quite easily answer the calls in full view of his W and tell the OW that it was over. End of phone calls - or at least end of hiding his phone, end of worrying about the post, end of jumping when the doorbell goes etc.

 

It would have been a lot less complicated had Matt not slept with the OW one last time. I suppose hindsight is a wonderful thing.