My Wife found out about me

[troutie jr]

Dude... she reeled you in like a big mouth bass.

Oh well, you get what you pay for I guess.

 

I never could understand how you couldn't see through the manipulations... "a week's worth of tears in a day". That's gold, man! :lmao:

 

Did you tell your wife yet, or are you just hoping she'll get a clue when you stop turning up for dinner?

 

Considering this is an infidelity forum, I would think many have cried a week's worth of tears in a day. I don't think that is a form of manipulation as much as it could very well be possible or even a figure of speach.

 

I also don't think she reeled him in. He wouldn't have gone back if he didn't WANT too.

 

Emotions are not monetary value, so I don't think he's paid for anything.

 

He's doing what he "feels" he wants to do.

[Ladyjane14]

Considering this is an infidelity forum, I would think many have cried a week's worth of tears in a day. I don't think that is a form of manipulation as much as it could very well be possible or even a figure of speach.

 

I also don't think she reeled him in. He wouldn't have gone back if he didn't WANT too.

 

Emotions are not monetary value, so I don't think he's paid for anything.

 

He's doing what he "feels" he wants to do.

 

If you've read the whole thread, it's been pretty obvious that the OW has worked him from every angle. But, I think you're right... he did what he wanted to.

 

And so what? He might have wadded up his family dynamic and wiped his ass with it... but hey, they can always get a new husband and father. Afterall, he's got to be fair to the OW, right? I mean... THAT's what really counts here. We can't have the poor pitiful thing "crying a week's worth of tears in a day". She might dehydrate.

[Tomcat33]

If you've read the whole thread, it's been pretty obvious that the OW has worked him from every angle. But, I think you're right... he did what he wanted to.

 

And so what? He might have wadded up his family dynamic and wiped his ass with it... but hey, they can always get a new husband and father. Afterall, he's got to be fair to the OW, right? I mean... THAT's what really counts here. We can't have the poor pitiful thing "crying a week's worth of tears in a day". She might dehydrate.

 

 

NO he has to be fair to himself and his W. He doesn't want to be with her. Should we tie him to the kitchen sink so he can never leave her? C'mon!! What's the point of having a go at a marriage that is a sham. Then we'd have to endure YET ANOTHER BS coming in here pertending to be happy after taking back the betraying spouse. What he is doing is fair for all.

 

After his W gets over the initial shock of being alone she will see the light and see that she is better off to start a life on her own with a new go at happiness with someone fresh.

[reboot]

start a life on her own with a new go at happiness with someone fresh.

Based on what I read here, the "someone fresh" will just cheat on her too.

[Tomcat33]

Based on what I read here, the "someone fresh" will just cheat on her too.

 

 

I don't get it!!?!?

 

I was talking about Matty's wife, why would another person cheat on her too?

[reboot]

I don't get it!!?!?

 

I was talking about Matty's wife, why would another person cheat on her too?

Because everyone cheats.

[Tomcat33]

Because everyone cheats.

 

 

Says who? C'mon you don't really believe that Reboot do you?

[reboot]

Says who? C'mon you don't really believe that Reboot do you?

I *know* not everyone cheats. But it's pretty politically incorrect to say that here.

[Tomcat33]

I *know* not everyone cheats. But it's pretty politically incorrect to say that here.

 

 

C'mon Reboot.

[bestadvisor]

Matty, you love this OW, we get it, but do you still love your wife?

 

Does your wife know that you're still seeing her?

[Tomcat33]

Matty, you love this OW, we get it, but do you still love your wife?

 

Does your wife know that you're still seeing her?

 

no he already said he feels terrible about that but that his W does not know. Hence he is thinking of leaving her.

[OpenBook]

I love my family but I think I must love OW too, to have risked it all over again

 

This is what Matty said. It doesn't sound like he is convinced that he loves the OW.

 

Matty, you sound really confused. I hear ya, man. It also seems like you're wanting the women in your life to call the shots for you. Is this the case?? If so, I don't understand why you wouldn't want to take that bull by the horns yourself.

[bish]

no he already said he feels terrible about that but that his W does not know. Hence he is thinking of leaving her.

 

I hope he seriously is thinking of leaving her. She needs someone who won't betray her. She deserves better.

[Triarge]

Mattym..

 

I know what your going through so I wont judge you. I had an affair for a year, got caught, and ended it about 10 months ago. Since then I've ended it 5 times!! Why?

 

Everytime we split I didnt break NC but she did and I wasnt strong enough to turn her down. She has tried every trick I can think of to get me back. She told me (almost exactly to the word) the things your OW told you. That she'd never met anyone like me; that she'd never meet anyone else ever the same; that it would take her 2 yrs to get over me. Blimey, my ego was huge. I had this image of me through her eyes and I was this amazing guy who could have any woman of his choice.. lol right.

 

She tried other things. Told me she'd been on a date. Sent me nasty mails. Sent me nice mails. Letters. Emails etc.. I dont blame her for any of it. She left her husband for me (despite me telling her not to) and from her perspective had nothing to loose. I did though. A beautifull wife and 2 kids.

 

Each time we got back together it would temorarily lift the pain. But then something else followed. Guilt. More pain of a different sort. I would start thinking about ending it again. Waiting for a chance, an argument to give me the excuse to end it. Like I say, this has happened 5 times. I'm 99% sure that it wont happen again.

 

I've lost nearly all those addictive feelings I once had for the OW. I see her around the building and its still hard, but its getting easier. My wife is finally coming out of the shadow and is starting to be more herself. She's lost weight (positively, not through lack of eating) she looks gorgeous, our sex life is fantastic, we behave like we used to before we had kids. I sent her a text this morning saying 'I Love you' and it felt great, it felt real, it is real.

 

I know alot will slate me for this but I think that something very positive has come out of the A. I have learnt alot about myself, about relationships. I still have a long way to figuring out why I did what I did. I somehow know I'm still vulnerable.

 

I hope you stay around to talk. Some people will give unconditional advise and thats what you'll need either way you choose.

[whichwayisup]

I'm 99% sure that it wont happen again.

 

I hope it will be 100% sure soon. Sounds like you have a great wife who gave you a second chance. Don't let the OW reel you back in, otherwise all this My wife is finally coming out of the shadow and is starting to be more herself. She's lost weight (positively, not through lack of eating) she looks gorgeous, our sex life is fantastic, we behave like we used to before ... Will disappear.

[bish]

I'm 99% sure that it wont happen again.

 

99% sure? What?...do you have the itch or something here and there?

 

If you are not 100% sure, then maybe you need to divorce your wife before you DO do it again.

[whichwayisup]

I see her around the building and its still hard, but its getting easier.

 

So, you work with her? Is it possible for you to find another job? This OW will always 'be' in your head if you have to see her daily. ... If I were your wife, I'd be strongly suggesting you quit that job and find another one.

[Scrivdog]

99% sure? What?...do you have the itch or something here and there?

 

If you are not 100% sure, then maybe you need to divorce your wife before you DO do it again.

Maybe she doesn't want a divorce. Ever think of that?

[bish]

Maybe she doesn't want a divorce. Ever think of that?

 

Well if thats the case, then she is just going to have to settle for a guy who is only 99% sure that he won't f#ck her over again.

 

If she's happy with that....then so be it.

[whichwayisup]

it's called "love"

 

Actually, if he really did "love" his OW, he would have come clean with his wife and as much as it would have hurt her, and been hard for him to do, that is what people do when they fall for someone else. They end the marriage and go be with that person...They don't continue to lie, betray and sneak around, hurting both women. Sorry, I doubt that he "loves" his OW. More like sexually attracted, inlust with her. Her actions and behaviour have shown she's unbalanced, the threats, the mind games, the 'ohhh, I'm gonna off myself if you don't come to me..." crap. People really "inlove" don't do that sh.it to eachother! They're obsessed with eachother, addicted to the rush and excitement.

 

If I were his wife, I would NOT want my children around OW. She's a child herself - Mentality wise.

[Tomcat33]

I don't think the act of love is based on whether he comes clean to one or the other, based on the predicament he has gotten himself into the reason he is dragging his feels and taking longer than usual to come clean with either party is not for lack of love or for overpossession of it, it is because it is a darn hard decission to make. Plain and simple he is about to embark in one of the toughest decisions a human being has to make in his life .A decision that not only will affect him and will also affect other people, mainly his W and children. It's not cut and dry as to say "well then just get out" No relationship that has been meaningful and long term is just ended on whym.

And yes we all know that what he is doing is wrong and blaaaah blaaah but rather than pointing the finger at him for what he should be doing why not accept what IS happening in his situation rather than finding a solution based on something that is NOT happening.

 

I don't think who he chooses to stay with is the act of love, I think what transcribes beyond his decision is the telltale sign of what he feels for either woman. In fact it seems Matt's heart is not into trying to work things out with the marriage so above and beyond that whatever happens once he is outside of there is irrelevant.

 

First things first

 

1. can he move forward with his W and try to salvage the marriage?

2. can he put his foot down and maintain NC with the OW and really focus on the marriage for a substancial amount of time to be certain he is not acting out of a knee jerk reaction and he is indeed making the right choice to move on?

3. can he accept the idea that no matter which woman he chooses he has to lose the other in order for it to happen?

 

Once he can answer any of those questions truthfully and let his actions match his words, then that's the answer to the whole LOVE question.

 

for the time being what Matt knows is the deep feelings he has for this OW and the non-feelings he has for his W. what either one of those means only he knows, we can speculate til the cows come home but only time can tell and only he knows what he feels.

[reboot]

3. can he accept the idea that no matter which woman he chooses he has to lose the other in order for it to happen?

I think this is the main problem.

[mattym]

It's kind of been like this, the past few weeks...

 

OW coming on strong, I mean really strong. She says things like ' I just love you so much, and I know I'm not strong enough to not be around you or have you in my life'

Also

"I've cried a weeks worth of tears today"

"The thought of you with your wife makes me feel physically sick"

"I would love to have your babies"

 

and thats just the stuff I remember

 

All day long over the past few weeks she's been texting me stuff like that

 

I was gentle at first and said ' Look, find someone who can make you happy, someone with no baggage who you can start fresh with, and experience kids etc with for the first time'

 

She says ' I would love to get to know your kids, you won't give me the opportunity' (I've never let her meet my kids for some reason)

 

The more I said this stuff, the stronger she came on, crying down the phone saying ' I am just overwhelmed with love for you'

 

To be honest I had visions of her either killing herself or me ruining her life forever by rejecting her, that's how strong it felt

 

But, at the same time, it made me feel like the most desired man on earth again

 

Anyway, this week she's flip-flopped. Work for her has been busy so she hasn't called

 

I called her this morning and she hung up without answering, then called back, spent half an hour talking about work and no mention of me or us or any of that other stuff

 

Then she said ' My friend said I should ignore you, and leave you to deal with things with your wife'

 

In a few days - complete change of attitude. I know women can be hormonal, but WTF?

 

Anyway, this will sound pathetic, but I felt a minor panic like ' she doesnt want me now' and started to praise her on the phone

 

Do you think it's deliberate? Jesus my head is screwed up

 

Life with my W may have seemed dry but when we first met we never had any of this...

[Tomcat33]

Matty C'mon buddy, if this is a total rollercoaster for you imagine how she feels not knowing what will happen next. She loves you and wants to be with you and she is at your mercy to decide who you get to keep.

 

Can you empathise with that at all? that's not to say your task is any easier than that of having to choose, you have a full plate to deal with yourself so there is a pitty party for all to be had, but her ups and downs are not because she is a nutty "woman", it's because this is emotionally very trying on her too.

 

I just think you are a bit caught up in the power you feel and really neglect to see that you have two people hanging on a thread waiting emotionally at your beck and call. Now I can imagine how this must make you feel so good, but c'mon matty it's nothing to be proud of to feel loved in this way, you are manipulating women to feel this way and it is not the kind of love or admiration you want. Or is it? it seems cheap to want love in this manner.

 

Having said that, please read back what you just wrote. Please read your reasoning and how your thought process flows. Look at the reasons you state for staying with this OW are you really that weak that you are letting this woman call the shots? I see a sense of blame in your tone, like if she would back off you would be ok to focus on your W. If that is what you are implying then ASK FOR SPACE and focus on your W and marriage.

 

You can't stay with someone because they are threatening to commit suicide, you are not responsible for another human being's life. You are responsible for doing everything you can of course not to help someone die but if they choose to die it is THEIR choice.

 

C'mon Matty, you are totally on the fence. which is it, do you love this woman and not love your wife anymore or do you just love how this woman makes you feel?

 

And I know it's tough and confusing when you have a woman begging you stay with her, it makes you feel wanted and loved and so powerful to have this kind of pull on someone, it is an IMMENSE ego stroke. what happens when you start to date this woman and her true self comes out she doesn't need you as much as you thought she needed you, she needs her space and her life back on her own times, then what? Then go off to feel needed again by someone else?

 

You need therapy URGENT. I rarely tell people to seek therapy it's not for everyone and quite frankly it won't work unless you want a true change to your situation. But in your case the solution seems pull away from it all let someone else guide you. It's too many things to deal with in this fine mess you managed to get intertwined. You have a family to lose and the life of an unstable human being to cope with and that's just too much, either the $hit hits the fan and all the chips fall where they may or you take action and get some help. You have to pull your head out Matt, what you feel is 1/10 of the big picture. Come up for air for a second and look at the big picture because you are in for a huge mess of a let down unless you look at things from another prespective other than "this makes me feel again after all this time"

 

Good luck!

[NoIDidn't]

"I would love to have your babies"

 

 

This made me LOL!! Not a reflection on her at all. But any woman that would say something like that to MY H, is likely to be coughing on a lot of dust as he runs away! Even with the A fog clouding his vision, he would run so fast he'd beat a world record!

 

Okay, we can go back to being serious again.

 

<snicker>