My Wife found out about me

[pollywag]

Too much thinking and not enough depth does lead to insanity.

 

Aint that the truth!!!!

[milx]

What is this? I keep reading French. Or shall I say, people who keeps going roundabout about this whole issue speaks French? Is it really hard to understand??

[Bobby NoBrains]

It's kind of been like this, the past few weeks...

 

OW coming on strong, I mean really strong. She says things like ' I just love you so much, and I know I'm not strong enough to not be around you or have you in my life'

Also

"I've cried a weeks worth of tears today"

"The thought of you with your wife makes me feel physically sick"

"I would love to have your babies"

 

and thats just the stuff I remember

 

All day long over the past few weeks she's been texting me stuff like that

 

I was gentle at first and said ' Look, find someone who can make you happy, someone with no baggage who you can start fresh with, and experience kids etc with for the first time'

 

She says ' I would love to get to know your kids, you won't give me the opportunity' (I've never let her meet my kids for some reason)

 

The more I said this stuff, the stronger she came on, crying down the phone saying ' I am just overwhelmed with love for you'

 

To be honest I had visions of her either killing herself or me ruining her life forever by rejecting her, that's how strong it felt

 

But, at the same time, it made me feel like the most desired man on earth again

 

Anyway, this week she's flip-flopped. Work for her has been busy so she hasn't called

 

I called her this morning and she hung up without answering, then called back, spent half an hour talking about work and no mention of me or us or any of that other stuff

 

Then she said ' My friend said I should ignore you, and leave you to deal with things with your wife'

 

In a few days - complete change of attitude. I know women can be hormonal, but WTF?

 

Anyway, this will sound pathetic, but I felt a minor panic like ' she doesnt want me now' and started to praise her on the phone

 

Do you think it's deliberate? Jesus my head is screwed up

 

Life with my W may have seemed dry but when we first met we never had any of this...

 

I read this and it still hits me straight in the face and I wonder why no one else asks this question to you : What exactly are you looking for from LS ?

 

Do you want advice about whether to go with the OW, or with your Wife and kids ? Do you want to end the affair or do you want a solution about how to have them both in your life ? Do you want to hear that you're doing the right thing ? Or do you want to hear what people think is the right thing to do ? Or do you just want to tell everyone your story and you're not really looking for any advice about what they think you should be doing ?

 

WTF are you really looking for here ?

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[Ladyjane14]

It's kind of been like this, the past few weeks...

 

OW coming on strong, I mean really strong. She says things like ' I just love you so much, and I know I'm not strong enough to not be around you or have you in my life'

Also

"I've cried a weeks worth of tears today"

"The thought of you with your wife makes me feel physically sick"

"I would love to have your babies"

 

and thats just the stuff I remember

 

All day long over the past few weeks she's been texting me stuff like that

 

I was gentle at first and said ' Look, find someone who can make you happy, someone with no baggage who you can start fresh with, and experience kids etc with for the first time'

 

She says ' I would love to get to know your kids, you won't give me the opportunity' (I've never let her meet my kids for some reason)

 

The more I said this stuff, the stronger she came on, crying down the phone saying ' I am just overwhelmed with love for you'

 

To be honest I had visions of her either killing herself or me ruining her life forever by rejecting her, that's how strong it felt

 

But, at the same time, it made me feel like the most desired man on earth again

 

Anyway, this week she's flip-flopped. Work for her has been busy so she hasn't called

 

I called her this morning and she hung up without answering, then called back, spent half an hour talking about work and no mention of me or us or any of that other stuff

 

Then she said ' My friend said I should ignore you, and leave you to deal with things with your wife'

 

In a few days - complete change of attitude. I know women can be hormonal, but WTF?

 

Anyway, this will sound pathetic, but I felt a minor panic like ' she doesnt want me now' and started to praise her on the phone

 

Do you think it's deliberate? Jesus my head is screwed up

 

Life with my W may have seemed dry but when we first met we never had any of this...

 

Of course it's deliberate. You just said so YOURSELF. She's taking her friend's advice right here in this very example.... and it's working gangbusters too... because next thing out of the box, you're kissing her ass again.

 

Matty, I just don't know how you can read your own posts and not SEE what the payoff is that's keeping you two involved with one another. Again, you said it YOURSELF.... "it made me feel like the most desired man on earth again".

 

Let me share with you something Gunny said on another thread earlier this week:

Men "score" when they become physically intimate with a woman, women "score" when they've got some guys heart in their hand!

 

Believe what you will... but there's been no evidence here in your thread, despite the OW's wailing and protestations, that she's not feeding her ego at your family's expense. For some of these girls, it's about WINNING.

 

You know, I put things in very succinct and ugly terms in my last couple of posts. But what you're doing IS ugly. And that's something you're going to have to eventually face and live with. You can either do it now, while you've still got time to make better choices. Or, you can wedge your head firmly in the sand, allowing for even more chaos... but the chickens WILL come home to roost before it's all said and done.

 

You're already dealing with BIG PROBLEMS. If you continue to escalate your situation, they'll only grow that much bigger.

[NoIDidn't]

Unfortunately, some people are going to see only what they want to see, no matter common sense. If you have any houseplants, I would suggest talking to one of them instead. You'll get about the same result.

 

Thing is, if I don't want something I want a REFUND!!!

 

Divorce creates the very thing that the person divorcing doesn't want: more ties to the spurned partner. Splitting of retirement accounts, sharing of SS in long term marriages, and if there were children involved you could have spousal support, child support, visitation, request permission to take the kids out of state to see other family without the other parent's being there, college funds, grandkids. You name it.

 

A divorce never really severs ties between a once married couple unless one of them is a deadbeat.

[pollywag]

It just sounds like you don't respect marriage in general when you call the spouse a 'baby sitter'. Would you say the same thing to a female employee? calling her spouse a babysitter?

 

It was both men and women who were pestering about this. Lady, it's a company event that requires staff only and it happens to be somewhere fun. Can a person not have fun without a mate for one evening? Out of the 200 people invited a select few (predictable who I'm surprised even go to work alone) were the ones harping on why they could not bring their spouses. How am I disrespecting marriage? be married and love each other to peices, but don't be so up each other's keister that you cannot have a fun night in the absense of the other. Some day you may have to face life alone and it's not the end of the world to have to face life alone. People become dependent on their mates to have fun and that's not what life is about.

[Treatment]

From the story that you told, it wasn't the spouse who was not invited that was objecting it was the spouse who was invited. Maybe the problem that you see is not the problem at all. Maybe the fact is that many married people would prefer being with their mates than with their co-workers.

 

Also a night out that includes drinking and excludes mates creates an environment that fosters extra-marital affairs. Some people are smart enough to know they do not want to be involved in that situation. It is not that their mates do not trust them nor is it that they do not trust themselves. It is knowing that if one plays with fire one may get burned. Some people are not smart enough to know that until after they have played with fire but others have that intelligence from day one.

[RecordProducer]

Mattym, I really do feel for you. I always give people some opinion. You know what they say: an opinion is like a butt hole - everyone has one.

 

But I can just say I understand your feelings and hope you can find the solution and that it will be best for everyone, especially for your kids. Good luck!

[mattym]

Hi all

 

Just went to update the old thread from August but it's been closed

 

Just felt typing here would be a catharis, and boy could I use some support- I'm feeling pretty low

 

My now 6 month-long A with the OW officially ended today

 

the past few weeks she's gone from 'I cannot live without you' to ' there is no point us carrying on, you obviously want to be with your W' and ' I know now I'm fighting a losing battle'

 

Anyway she's been progressively more distant, so much so I've even wondered if she started seeing somebody new. I caught her out about calling a recently-seperated work colleague. In a nutshell, she called him from her private phone, told me she called him from a work phone regarding a work matter. Couple of weeks later she mentioned he had text her 'good luck' for a work project. i said ' That's odd, he hardly knows you, yet he thought of you and text you on your own number, thought you'd called him from work the other week?'

She said ' I didn't tell you it was my own phone because I knew you'd get the wrong idea'

I said ' Oh, can i see his text msg?'

She said 'I deleted it' - yet she's kept all her others from other people, why delete that one?

 

Anyway it's weird but I had a dream that my wife was in bed with someone else and it really affected me. When i woke up i couldnt get this idea out of my head, and it drove me crazy with jealousy. Also I've been seeing less of OW and spending more time with the kids. They really are fantastic- hard work as they're both so young, but such great company, and for the first time in months we've started connecting again

 

It was my birthday this week and my W spent all day baking for when i got home. She'd made a real effort and I looked at my family and thought 'what the hell have I been doing?'

 

OW called me and said ' happy birthday, cant see you as I'm so busy at work'- when I eventually saw her for 10 minutes she gave me a card & a gift which (i'm not saying this because I'm materialistic) cost next to nothing- she hadn't even wrapped it, just left it in the plastic bag

 

I called her yesterday and she didnt answer her phone. I text & said ' we need to talk, this has gone on too long'

 

She answered 'I'm busy but I keep thinking we should have ended things by now, I'm tired of this'

 

I said ' we need to speak to do this properly'

 

She said ' I have no problem with that, will call you later'

 

She didnt

 

Or today

 

By this evening I was p*ssed off she still hadn't called, so i called her. She didnt answer. So I re-read dozens of the old posts on the other thread for willpower & then sent the following text:

 

"Sorry I have to do this b text msg, but you havent called as promised and so obviously don't wish to talk. i respect that but things need to be said . It's time for us to part, I have behaved badly and led you on. I apologise for that, it's all my fault, i should not have done this, but we need to move on and you need to find someone unattached who can make you happy'

 

10 mins later my phone rang, she made small talk and I said ' did you get the msg?' she said ' yes' then said she agreed with it all! No emotions, no 'why are you doing this?' - Nothing - just agreement!!

 

I honestly expected a battle after her emotional outbursts a couple of months ago. I asked her if she was seeing anyone else, she said 'No' but then later said ' Who knows what's going to happen in our lives, maybe I'll meet someone' - then that was it, convo dried up, we said goodbye and 'take care of yourself' and that was it! Do you think she has found someone else? She did after all start with me while seeing her BF & he was none the wiser since they didnt live together

 

what struck me though was the complete lack of emotion - after all these months

 

Anyway I have mentally told myself that's it, NC from today. From now on my family gets 110% of me, if it's not too late- & I hope to God it isn't

 

Family worries aside, I'm scared I'll be tempted to call OW or lose myself mentally by missing her. Alread tonight I'm thinking of the good times we had

 

It may seem like a small step to some, but sending her that msg would have been unthinkable for me before now

 

How do I remain focussed on my family now and not get nostalgic or sad for what's passed with me & OW?

 

thanks

 

Matt

[reboot]

If you want it to end, why are you so focused on if she found someone else?

[mattym]

Curiosity,and I have feelings for her, so I guess jealousy also. I know I need to leave, but doesn't stop my emotions

 

But I know what i did was wrong, to allow myself to develop feelings for someone else other than my W. All along my instincts told me this was wrong, but I've been addicted to her, and now I'm trying to break free

 

I dont know, maybe my ego wanted her to find this as tough as I have?

[mattym]

Too many names to mention, but if it were not for the advice I received here at LS on my old thread I think I would have thought with another part of my anatomy and left home for OW

 

She was desperate for me to do that, and I was soo tempted, but something stopped me. I come from a d#family background where couples stayed together - never been a divorce in my family, and I guess that grounded me, but i couldnt see straight- still can't at times, and the advice here and kick up the backside was what i needed - thank you so much - i think those who helped me may have honestly saved my family

 

I just hope I haven't damaged things here too much....

[reboot]

You do realize that had you left your wife the odds are really against you having a continuing relationship with this woman? Looks like she's done now. What if you'd left your wife yesterday? Some would call that poetic justice.

[Cobra_X30]

Too many names to mention, but if it were not for the advice I received here at LS on my old thread I think I would have thought with another part of my anatomy and left home for OW

 

You knew at the start that the OW was not someone who would be even remotely good in a LTR.

 

You said as much earlier, that her past with relationships was very dicey.

 

Matty, I think you did a very bad thing for a very dumb reason.

 

Truth time!

 

Was this A about your wife? Or was this A about you?

[mattym]

You knew at the start that the OW was not someone who would be even remotely good in a LTR.

 

You said as much earlier, that her past with relationships was very dicey.

 

Matty, I think you did a very bad thing for a very dumb reason.

 

Truth time!

 

Was this A about your wife? Or was this A about you?

 

I think the whole A was about me

 

I have 2 young kids, under 5, work long hours, never had many sexual partners before marriage as i was always in long term BF/GF relationships, and honestly, i think I got to 36/37 and thought 'christ this is hard work. is this IT?'

 

OW came long, she was slim, good looking, younger, no ties and had the hots for me! Been a long time since that happened. i was flattered and being around her made me feel like Superman

 

But yet, when I was with her, I always thought 'My W would never do that' - OW would swear more, she'd smoke which my W doesn't, she'd be crude about something, and often be more selfish that my W - example if OW wanted to go out, we'd either go where she wanted or not at all - my on the other hand is so relaxed she'll always 'go with the flow' - all qualities i didn't like in OW

 

so I guess yes the A was about me, mid-life crisis? I wish I knew - I dont ever want this to happen again - how do I prevent that? or prevent the NC breaking?

[whichwayisup]

Tell your wife everything you've done with the OW and why. That will stop your affair completely.

 

Honestly Matty, I don't see the A actually over. In the past your words have not matched your actions and same goes for the OW. She KNOWS she has you by the balls, she knows she gives you hot sex and that is what drives you to go back and be treated like a piece of poo. You're the OW's little pawn, her toy and until you take control and really stop this by sticking to NC, then the game will stop. That is, if you truely want it to stop, still not too sure about that.

 

Also I've been seeing less of OW and spending more time with the kids. They really are fantastic- hard work as they're both so young, but such great company, and for the first time in months we've started connecting again

 

Yet, you're still so bloody obsessed with the OW, you've missed out on so much. Mentally you've not been involved with your own children, let alone your wife. And life goes on, your wife is with your kids, taking care of them, and you're off playing with the OW.

 

I wish you luck and once again, I'm pushing the therapy thing. Until you actually get some counselling, NOTHING will change.

[mattym]

Tell your wife everything you've done with the OW and why. That will stop your affair completely.

 

Honestly Matty, I don't see the A actually over. In the past your words have not matched your actions and same goes for the OW. She KNOWS she has you by the balls, she knows she gives you hot sex and that is what drives you to go back and be treated like a piece of poo. You're the OW's little pawn, her toy and until you take control and really stop this by sticking to NC, then the game will stop. That is, if you truely want it to stop, still not too sure about that.

 

 

 

Yet, you're still so bloody obsessed with the OW, you've missed out on so much. Mentally you've not been involved with your own children, let alone your wife. And life goes on, your wife is with your kids, taking care of them, and you're off playing with the OW.

 

I wish you luck and once again, I'm pushing the therapy thing. Until you actually get some counselling, NOTHING will change.

 

Thank you WWIU, you were one of the ones I wanted to thank from before.

 

I really want this to work out. I do love my wife, despite my behaviour

 

I had every opportunity to leave, but chose not to, because I knew my family were more important to me

[Ladyjane14]

I dont ever want this to happen again - how do I prevent that? or prevent the NC breaking?

 

We've been discussing the merits of NC on Triarge's thread. Maybe you might want to give it a read:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t135068/

 

He posted a link on Kittycats2's thread of '31 tips on why to end the affair', which she seemed to find helpful:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t135434/

 

You might also check out Bodhisattva' thread as well. He is also working to end an affair.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t134718/

[imstunned]

Hi Matty M - you dont know me but I have read through all those pages of the last postings you did in the summer and found some comfort in them (i know - weird). I'm glad to see you posing back here. I live on the OW thread usually, but read here too.

 

I hope things work out for you. And by the way - just my opinion, but I doubt your OW has taken it as easily as you think.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you WWIU, you were one of the ones I wanted to thank from before.

 

I really want this to work out. I do love my wife, despite my behaviour

 

I had every opportunity to leave, but chose not to, because I knew my family were more important to me

 

You're welcome Matty. I want to see you work things out too, but you need to be 100% sure it's your wife and children, that life, you actually want. Again, let your actions match your words...That is what counts. It's easy to say you want your wife, but as soon as the OW comes to talk to you, you cave and rollover, letting her take control over you again. Start thinking with your head, NO emotions, no cock. Just your mind. Sorry to be crass/blunt, but get tough on yourself!

 

You need that counselling because something is broken inside you.

[Ladyjane14]

Tell your wife everything you've done with the OW and why. That will stop your affair completely.

 

I dunno, WWIU.

As always, I'm all for honesty.... but I think Matt needs to understand that there's a very real possibility his wife will check out of the marriage if she finds out this affair has continued past D-Day.

 

There are some HUGE positives to be had in honesty. Because if she knows everything and still elects to stay, she'll be worth her weight in gold in terms of bolstering his resistance to returning to the affair. There's also the added benefit to emotional intimacy as the two of them face these challenges together, creating a bubble of 'we two against the world'. And Matt will gain in confidence knowing that there are no more skeletons in the closet, that even at his worst... he still had the love and support of his mate. Altogether good stuff.

 

On the flipside, what he's done by continuing the affair past the point where he's witnessed his wife's pain, her tears, her confusion...and past the point where he's witnessed her honest efforts... well, it's horribly damaging to his wife's self-esteem and confidence. Do you remember how it was for ThumbingMyWay? The pain is terrible for the betrayed spouse.

 

This is a big risk, and he needs to weigh the pros and cons of it well. In that way, if everything goes to pot, he'll at least know that he made an educated choice, one that he's given a great deal of thought to. He and his wife are the ones who have to live with the consequences either way.

[mattym]

Having ended things tonight, I'm sitting here feeling remorseful, almost mourning the loss of that illict fun and excitement. I know i did the right thing, but it feels like all I now have ahead is struggle to regain trust and normality at the end of it

 

How long does that last, and how do I get over that?

[whichwayisup]

How long does that last, and how do I get over that?

 

Counselling, and really wanting to live the life you have with your wife and kids. You gotta let the OW go from your heart, mind and soul, otherwise your marriage doesn't have a shot.

 

As always, I'm all for honesty.... but I think Matt needs to understand that there's a very real possibility his wife will check out of the marriage if she finds out this affair has continued past D-Day.

 

I do agree with you LJ, but I also believe that his wife probably knows that he was messing around after D-Day.

[Cobra_X30]

Having ended things tonight, I'm sitting here feeling remorseful, almost mourning the loss of that illict fun and excitement. I know i did the right thing, but it feels like all I now have ahead is struggle to regain trust and normality at the end of it

 

How long does that last, and how do I get over that?

 

 

Matty,

 

Look buddy, you did this to fill a hole in your own ego. No woman can give you self worth. Sure this OW made you feel good about yourself for a moment, but its a false high.

 

You need to start working on your self esteem.

 

Yes, you do have a long road to hoe! You should be prepared to spend the rest of your life doing everything possible to make this up to your wife and kids. That idea should excite you!

[Ladyjane14]

Having ended things tonight, I'm sitting here feeling remorseful, almost mourning the loss of that illict fun and excitement. I know i did the right thing, but it feels like all I now have ahead is struggle to regain trust and normality at the end of it

 

How long does that last, and how do I get over that?

 

That's withdrawal, and it lasts for as long as you keep FEEDING it. Read Triarge's thread.

 

 

 

And to WWIU... Yeah, you're probably right about that. Then again, there's sometimes a bit of a "fog" surrounding the betrayed spouse too. Mrs. Thumb had him in the dark for 8 months if you'll remember.