My Wife found out about me

[whichwayisup]

And I hate to say this Matty, but I'm pretty sure people at work have figured out you're banging the OW. People aren't stupid and they can pick up on what goes on around them. Trust me, I'd bet ya 100 bucks that most know 'something' is going on.

[amnesia]

Here are some thoughts from someone who's been there (and I realize some of this duplicates advice you've already gotten):

 

1. Get into counseling. Just talking to someone who listens nonjudgementally, and will keep things confidential, WILL help.

2. If possible, get your doctor to prescribe an antidepressant, like Prozac.

3. End your relationship with the OW. The relationship is clearly making you miserable, so you won't be any worse off. Yes, there will be some withdrawal but you'll get through it (the antidepressant will help with that; see #2).

4. Don't make any decisions about your marriage now; you're not thinking clearly. Wait a few months for the fog to lift, then decide. And for God's sake don't go back to the OW if your marriage ends; find someone new.

5. Get into some new activities to distract you (like taking up a hobby or joining a community service organization).

6. DON'T confide in your friends, no matter how trustworthy you think they are. Sooner or later they'll blab. Some of them probably suspect anyway; don't verify it.

7. Don't confess to your wife unless you're positive it will help. A counselor will help you make that decision. I realize a lot of people on this board are very rigid on this issue, but the "confess, you sinner" crowd won't be there to help you if things blow up in your face.

 

Good luck!

[reboot]

"confess, you sinner" crowd won't be there to help you if things blow up in your face.

It doesn't have anything to do with sinning, or God, or bible thumping. It has to do with his wife should have the same information to base her decision on that he does. She should have the opportunity to decide if she wants to stay with someone that can't keep his penis in his pants. We're talking simple "right and wrong" here and it has nothing to do with "burning in hell".

[norajane]

7. Don't confess to your wife unless you're positive it will help. A counselor will help you make that decision. I realize a lot of people on this board are very rigid on this issue, but the "confess, you sinner" crowd won't be there to help you if things blow up in your face.

 

His wife has been trying to swallow the bitterness of learning that her husband has been screwing around on her, the betrayal of discovering he had been lying and deceiving her, and trying to overcome all that pain in order to save their marriage.

 

And what has matty been doing? He's been going back to the OW AFTER telling his wife his affair was over and he wants to work on the marriage, and he has continued lying and deceiving and cheating on his wife.

 

Don't you think his wife should know who her husband really is and how he's really treating his marriage and her?

 

If matty continues to deceive his wife by hiding that he's been in this affair the whole time, then he gets to continue manipulating and controlling his wife's actions, reactions, and choices. If that's the road he chooses, then he is hardly a man who wants to have a healthy relationship with his wife, and isn't likely to develop one based on respect and honesty. Manipulation is the choice of a controlling ass, or a cowardly man trying to save his ass. Either way, he has no respect for his wife.

 

If only the OW had been a bit more doting on matty, a bit more adoring and accepting of his need to have his ego fed; and if only she had made him feel just a bit more like Superman, we wouldn't be having this discussion. He'd have shortly left his wife. His wife should know THAT's what her husband has been thinking about - instead of about how to rebuild their marriage together - so his wife can choose if she wants MATTY and not the man he is PRETENDING to be.

[OpenBook]

If only the OW had been a bit more doting on matty, a bit more adoring and accepting of his need to have his ego fed; and if only she had made him feel just a bit more like Superman, we wouldn't be having this discussion. He'd have shortly left his wife. His wife should know THAT's what her husband has been thinking about - instead of about how to rebuild their marriage together - so his wife can choose if she wants MATTY and not the man he is PRETENDING to be.

 

I don't get all this "Either-Or" thinking. It is not how Matty is thinking; nor is it how he has been conducting his life. And we are assuming an awful lot about what the W knows about Matty and what he's done. He has been able to have his cake and eat it too. I do not see a compelling reason to believe that he cannot continue to do so. His W won't leave him. The ex-OW didn't want to give up on him (though she finally did - and good for her, I say!!). So what's to stop Matty from repeating the same scenario over and over again??

[reboot]

So what's to stop Matty from repeating the same scenario over and over again??

Well, his wife, if she knew the truth. That's kinda the point.

[OpenBook]

Well, his wife, if she knew the truth. That's kinda the point.

 

And how do we know she doesn't already know the truth? And that she is not familiar with her H's weaknesses?

[reboot]

And how do we know she doesn't already know the truth? And that she is not familiar with her H's weaknesses?

We don't "know". But matty seems to think she doesn't, and that's all we have to go on.

[OpenBook]

We don't "know". But matty seems to think she doesn't, and that's all we have to go on.

 

Well, what I'm "going on" is the fact that even after his W found out the first time, it didn't stop Matty from going back to the OW. The only reason why it ended is because the OW moved on.

[reboot]

Well, what I'm "going on" is the fact that even after his W found out the first time, it didn't stop Matty from going back to the OW. The only reason why it ended is because the OW moved on.

Yes, you're right. But (again, according to matty) his wife is busy "fixing" her marriage, while matty just went right back to boinking the OW. I guess your point is, are we really sure his wife doesn't know this, and you may well be right.

[OpenBook]

Yes, you're right. But (again, according to matty) his wife is busy "fixing" her marriage, while matty just went right back to boinking the OW. I guess your point is, are we really sure his wife doesn't know this, and you may well be right.

 

And I agree that it's up to the W to put her foot down, so all this will stop. (A crying shame, since it REALLY should be up to Matty to stop his own behavior!) I just don't think she will. And I think Matty knows that.

[NoIDidn't]

A wife cannot "put her foot down" to stop her H's A. That's really funny that anyone would think that. Unless the MM is 16 or something.

 

But seriously, I doubt Matty has been bonding hysterically with his W. I don't think that she completely believes his little act. Not to mention, when you first find out, its hard to come out of the state of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

I don't think it matters if Matty tells his W it continued or not. Truth is, it WILL all come out whether he wants it to or not. This was conducted at work. Co-workers ALWAYS know. And the ones that know the W ALWAYS find a way to work it into conversation.

 

Therapy is not for crazy people. Its just the opposite. Choosing therapy, instead of having it chosen for you, is a sign of responsibility and a willingness to get ready to do some hard work on yourself. Running away from therapy is a sign of weakness (IMO) and fear. My biggest fear was that the therapist would tell me that my H was an idiot and that I never should have married him. Never happened. Not even close.

 

If you don't want to go to a therapist, Matty, try a hotline and call one. You owe it to yourself and your family to find some willpower.

[Triarge]

Hi Matt

 

I followed your original thread very closely because it was so close to home, so I can really appreciate how your feeling right now.

 

10 months ago, I myself came here reading the advice on these forums. It was all logical, it was all good advice. I'd read posts, gain strength, leave the forums and then falter at the first chance of communication with the OW.

 

What you read here is like food for the soul; It's good food but it doesnt last long before you need to come back and feed again. You cant stay here and read all day and you ultimately have to leave and do some living. Then its just you, and what you remember being told.

 

You need to find a way to feed yourself. You have to work this out in your own mind and 'know' whats right rather than being 'told' whats right. Thats why councelling will help.

 

A counceller may help you figure out whats going on in your own mind. A good councellor will ask questions that will help you look inside yourself and maybe realise what it is you need from yourself and your relationship/s. Do it quickly! I'm going to (soon hopefully) and I might add I'm British too

 

Its a good thing its ended with the OW for sure. I do worry though about the circumstances. It seems to be all 'reactive' to the OW's actions and behaviour around you. Your email almost has the tone of "Is she going off me?" Thats not good. Maybe she is moving on with her life; she has every right to. Maybe this is another weapon in her arsenal of her finally 'landing' you and (to quote Ladyjane) "poaching" you like a piece of easy meat.

 

Its a scary thought when someone who you believe to love you starts to move on. You feel like your loosing something of value. You suddenly start to question if your as good as she really said you was. Why would she be leaving if so?

 

That to boot and your also losing one of your 'safety nets'.. Damn! Better start putting all those eggs back into the other basket. The ****s falling out of the bottom of this one!!

 

That dream you had. Scared you didnt it? Imagine that one day, when you no longer have any more chances left - Thats where your wife *will* end up. It will be you looking at your ex-wife though some other guys eyes. He'll noticie how beautiful she is. He will look at her adoringly. He'll be in her bed.

 

I'm not trying to be nasty. I'm trying to shock you into seeing what your risking. At the moment your out looking for silver. What you dont realise is that at home, under the stairs, in that dusty old box you never opened, theres a whole worth of gold!!

[mattym]

Triage,

 

I wanted to post today to say a huge 'thank you' for taking the time to post your message to me. I've read it 3 or 4 times over now, it's so helpful to me to know that I'm not the only one that's been through this situation.

 

You sound very similar to me - normal guy, who hadn't even contemplated doing what he's done, but is now in a situation that seems so painful to climb out of

 

II've read posts, like those from yourself, and LadyJane and many others that have offered real insight.

 

I'm reading through Shirley Glass's book at the moment ( was shocked to see she'd died in 2003 BTW) and some of the scenarios could almost BE me

 

It's now 3 days since NC began - this is the longest time I have not spoken with OW since things began. 3 das sounds like nothing, but this is a relationship where we'd talk constantly, all day long

 

My mobile phone bill has not been below £400 a month since I met her, just to give you an idea of how deep a hole I'd dug. On top of the emotional crisis this has caused, I am now also in debt - the cost of living this double life all these months

 

I think I am going to take up the counselling suggestion. I have to verbalise what's going on, typing here helps, but I realise I come across maybe as self-pitying. I don't mean to, i just cannot confide in my W obviously and I need to get rid of this baggage before I can re-build

 

I speak to a couple of trusted male friends. Their attitude is ' Oh well, you had your fun, back to real life'

 

It's not as simple as that though - over these past months I've become emotionally attached to this woman. I've shared in her life, talking and being with her became a daily occurence. Now she's silent. Gone. It feels like a bereavement

 

As I've said before, throughout the A I never gave her my home phone number, she doesnt know my address, and I never let her meet the kids. I'm hoping that means that my instincts told me this was all wrong

 

I tell myself that, but why does it hurt so much? I'm ashamed to say this, but I'm checking my phone to see if she's called, I'm thinking about her at work, and keep trying to think of reasons of phone her. I know I must not, but the urge is there and very strong

 

People will tell me ' think only of your W' but this is how I honestly feel at the moment - it's clouding my head

 

I think she'd been worn down by my fence-sitting, and finally decided to move on. I made it easier and daid ' let's part' - she told me on the last day she was tired of it, that she'd always love me, but that she was wrong to get involved when my family must come first and that she should have let me arrange things with my W before getting involved with me - all true but now for her to hve vanished from my life hurts so very much. Like being on a high and crashing to earth

 

My intellect tells me my search for excitement comes 2nd- the kids need me, my W needs me, and I have a duty to give them the best life I possibly can. I had every chance to leave my W, I chose not to. Now I must deal with the consequences. I want to be with my family and not feel this 'empty space' that needs filling, if that makes sense

 

My Wife has been so fantastic, it just adds to the guilt. She told me she loves me, that if she wasn't enough for me, she'd step aside. She works so hard looking after the home & the kids, this is how I repaid her, with someone who cheated on her BF while I cheated on my W.

 

My W is easy-going, OW is demanding. My W would happily do what I wanted, OW usually wanted to do what she wanted or nothing at all. My W was patient, OW not so...why wasn't what I had enough for me?

 

Anyway, guess I'm rambling now..too much emotion & too much alcohol at home tonight....

[Ladyjane14]

I think she'd been worn down by my fence-sitting, and finally decided to move on. I made it easier and daid ' let's part' - she told me on the last day she was tired of it, that she'd always love me, but that she was wrong to get involved when my family must come first and that she should have let me arrange things with my W before getting involved with me - all true but now for her to hve vanished from my life hurts so very much. Like being on a high and crashing to earth...

 

Matt, for all you know your feeling of "crashing to earth" is the intent of her NC with you. A sudden withdrawal of emotional support works gangbusters, even when applied to wayward partners in marriage. Don't assume that you know the OW's motives here.

 

Look, I'm not saying this is the only possibility... but you have to bear in mind that ALL people manipulate others to one degree or another. Some more than others. It's how we get what we want afterall. It's only natural to believe the best of somebody you have these "in love" feelings for, but I think you need to be aware... the current buzz in OW forums is that 'NC is how you bring your MM to heel'.

 

Be wary is all I'm saying.

[michaelk]

It's now 3 days since NC began - this is the longest time I have not spoken with OW since things began. 3 das sounds like nothing, but this is a relationship where we'd talk constantly, all day long

 

My mobile phone bill has not been below £400 a month since I met her, just to give you an idea of how deep a hole I'd dug. On top of the emotional crisis this has caused, I am now also in debt - the cost of living this double life all these months

 

I've been exactly where you are, and not so long ago, either.

 

I think I am going to take up the counselling suggestion. I have to verbalise what's going on, typing here helps, but I realise I come across maybe as self-pitying. I don't mean to, i just cannot confide in my W obviously and I need to get rid of this baggage before I can re-build

 

I speak to a couple of trusted male friends. Their attitude is ' Oh well, you had your fun, back to real life'

You definitely need someone to talk to about this. I was in therapy before my A ended, so it was natural for me to use that outlet. I don't know that I would have made it through without it.

 

It's not as simple as that though - over these past months I've become emotionally attached to this woman. I've shared in her life, talking and being with her became a daily occurence. Now she's silent. Gone. It feels like a bereavement

That's exactly what it is. You've become attached emotionally to her, and now you're going to grieve her loss. I think most people (your friends included) don't understand that an A can involve the same kind of bonding that occurs when you first meet your mate. If it had been merely a sexual dalliance, you might be expected to set it aside and put all your attention on your family. But as an emotional affair, you're going to go through a difficult transition period before you're 100% available to them again.

 

I tell myself that, but why does it hurt so much? I'm ashamed to say this, but I'm checking my phone to see if she's called, I'm thinking about her at work, and keep trying to think of reasons of phone her. I know I must not, but the urge is there and very strong

 

People will tell me ' think only of your W' but this is how I honestly feel at the moment - it's clouding my head

It will put your willpower to the test, but be strong. The more time passes, the easier it will get. In a few months, you may feel much better.

 

My intellect tells me my search for excitement comes 2nd- the kids need me, my W needs me, and I have a duty to give them the best life I possibly can. I had every chance to leave my W, I chose not to. Now I must deal with the consequences. I want to be with my family and not feel this 'empty space' that needs filling, if that makes sense

"Duty" and "consequences"? You make this sound like a self-imposed prison sentence. If you went back solely for duty, then I'm concerned for your long-term prospects. You're not a martyr, so what positive is in it for you? The love and affection of your children? The chance to spend more time with a woman you love? Or at least who's your friend and companion? Because if you're there only out of obligation, then your heart's not in it and you're not really going to be any good to your family anyway (outside of the monetary sense).

[mattym]

"Duty" and "consequences"? You make this sound like a self-imposed prison sentence. If you went back solely for duty, then I'm concerned for your long-term prospects. You're not a martyr, so what positive is in it for you? The love and affection of your children? The chance to spend more time with a woman you love? Or at least who's your friend and companion? Because if you're there only out of obligation, then your heart's not in it and you're not really going to be any good to your family anyway (outside of the monetary sense).

 

hmm, bad choice of words there maybe on my prt- I think that's how it feels now as I'm comparing everything, work etc to the giddy excitement of the last few months, the 'infatuation' I suppose - and everthing else seems dull. I think it's my head playing tricks with me, putting her on a pedestal

 

Like I said, throughout the I never wanted to leave home. I just couldn't do it to my family

[LifesontheUp]

Like I said, throughout the I never wanted to leave home. I just couldn't do it to my family

 

Wow.........YOU JUST COULDN'T DO IT TO YOUR FAMILY?

 

You didn't mention you love them, you love your wife and want to be with her, to me that speaks volumes.

Just "you couldn't do it to my family" So is it because you are frightened of what people will think of you? You left your family for an OW? You left your family because you had an affair? Is it that you don't want your image "tarnished" by such scandle??

 

You've been posting on here for a long time now and there has been so much good advice but lets get real here you are not really any further forward. If the OW came to you today and offered you sex then I'll make a bet that you wouldn't refuse. Sorry but nothing you have done so far will make me think otherwise.

 

I gave you some advice a few days ago about getting counselling as I'm also from the UK. Others have offered advice too. You've not acknowledged it nor have you said "yeah I've done something about getting some counselling". If you have started the ball rolling then I'll apologise. But if you haven't then it speaks volumes and you are wasting your wifes and your kids life whilst you continue to be selfish and sit on the fence.

 

I'm beginning to think that you are going to go back to the OW very soon. In my opinion she's playing you Matty, just like a cat does with a mouse, and you'll be caught very soon.

 

Sorry to seem harsh but for goodness sake wise up before its too late.

[Triarge]

Hi Mattym,

 

Your own story has helped me too so the thanks is mutual

 

I think I am going to take up the counselling suggestion. I have to verbalise what's going on, typing here helps, but I realise I come across maybe as self-pitying. I don't mean to, i just cannot confide in my W obviously and I need to get rid of this baggage before I can re-build

 

Exactly!! Like you probably read in the 31 Reasons, you cant leave that baggage behind; It goes with you. You need to figure out whats gone wrong.

 

Think of it this way. If you followed a receipe to bake a cake and messed it up big time you wouldnt just go bake a second one without figuring out what you did wrong. That would be madness wouldnt it? Dont we humans have the capacity to be able to learn?

 

Please do the coucelling

[abeliever]

Mattym,

 

You sound a lot like my soon to be ex H. He said the same thing to me. He has always said he never intended on leaving me. It was never his plan. But yet I wasn't told about the A. I had to discover it, then he still didn't come clean. But Mattym, now I am leaving him! The pain from his back and forth with these women pushed me over the edge. Not purely your situation but close to it. He couldn't decide if our M was what he wanted. I moved out 4 months til he begged me to come home. I did but not for him (financial reasons, paying rent/mortgage in two places- very hard).

 

A lot of it is selfishness. (not trying to be mean) I see him so differently now. Love has a way of blinding you. So that can be a bad thing or a good thing. He worries about himself first, then work, then money,and then me and then our family! We really do not fit into his world, unless it's on his terms. Sound like you? You may not be that extreme but in a way you are.

 

Don't look to your wife to fulfill your happiness. That comes from inside you! Nothing to do with W or OW! What is inside of you that you are not happy with? That should be your question. Fix that first. Give it 6 months to a year after you have found that out. I did this. I found out I did liked who I was, he made me forget about that. In fact I love me! Sure I had to change some things, but well worth the work. But then I put him first, then my child, then me. I had it all backwards, but I learned what was important to me and how I can keep me happy.

 

I recently discovered I lost the love I had for him. I never thought I would say this but I actually did stop loving him. There is something there but its not love. We have been together for 13 yrs. But love, nah it left me in April it took 3 more affairs. Sad but true. I lost respect for him, even feel sorry for him. He doesn't know how lucky he was. He had a wife who adored him, loved him unconditionally, and would have walked thru fire for him. He instead wanted a OW. A few months ago he discovered she only wanted him on her terms. She could care less about his feelings as long as hers was met. Now he wants to work things out here with me. Mattym, I can't do it. Don't let this happen of your wife. I tell you its hard to think I have loved this man this long and this deeply only to lose all the respect and love I had for him? But he did that all by himself. All he had to do is put in the work, find out why he was unhappy and fix himself, I think we could have made it. Now he wants to try sooooo bad and I just can't do it. This is where your heading if your not careful.

 

 

Don't fall into this trap, help yourself first, then see where your head is at. Then make your decision about you not OW. Good luck!

 

Hope this helps.

abeliever

[amnesia]

It doesn't have anything to do with sinning, or God, or bible thumping. It has to do with his wife should have the same information to base her decision on that he does. She should have the opportunity to decide if she wants to stay with someone that can't keep his penis in his pants. We're talking simple "right and wrong" here and it has nothing to do with "burning in hell".

I'm sorry. "Sinner" was a poor choice of words on my part and I apologize. I didn't intend to imply that people had religious motivations for urging him to confess.

[amnesia]

I don't know why you think that we all aren't sinners, including those of us who believe he should confess. We are all sinners, no ifs, ands, or buts.

You are right. That was a foolish thing for me to say and I apologize.

[bestadvisor]

I think Matt broke NC. Either, he contacted her or he returned her contact.

[Jojo_2007]

Your big mistake was going into an affair for reasons other than sex. If you want to fall in love you have to leave your wife. Otherwise sooner or later your lover is going to get pissed off because you are not spending enough time with her. Affairs where there are serious feelings involved just turn into one big pain in the butt for all concerned. Affairs are for sex, marriage is for love.

[Scrivdog]

His big mistake was having the affair. Leave, then screw. Simple. If your family means so little that you would even entertain the idea of cheating,then mentally you have already left. Just be a man and make it official.

 

Marriage isn't just based on love,(very important component)but love without commitment is just involvement.

Not to oversimplify, right? What, are you a teenager?