My Wife found out about me

[michaelk]

His big mistake was having the affair. Leave, then screw. Simple. If your family means so little that you would even entertain the idea of cheating,then mentally you have already left. Just be a man and make it official.

 

Marriage isn't just based on love,(very important component)but love without commitment is just involvement.

 

People cheat for different reasons, and it's not as simple as saying that the mere thought of cheating should cause you to end your marriage. The effect that cheating has on a relationship will depend on the underlying problems that motivated the affair, the attitude of the spouse regarding what is and is not forgivable, the state of the family as a whole, and even the couple's unique understanding of what the boundaries of their commitment are.

[reboot]

People cheat for different reasons, and it's not as simple as saying that the mere thought of cheating should cause you to end your marriage.

The thought of cheating shouldn't cause you to end your marriage, but the act of cheating should.

[bish]

I thought you said you ended it...doesn't sound like it to me.

 

 

Anyway it's weird but I had a dream that my wife was in bed with someone else and it really affected me. When i woke up i couldnt get this idea out of my head, and it drove me crazy with jealousy.

 

Good!...now you know how it feels. But as I read on, one would think since you were crazy with jealousy that you'd try to drop thoughts of your OW and focus on your wife....but I can see that isn't the case.

 

 

How do I remain focussed on my family now and not get nostalgic or sad for what's passed with me & OW?

 

 

You grow a set of balls and man up. You have a responsibility to your family to act like a father and a husband. So man up and focus on that.

 

Be a man.

[mattym]

Hi all

 

Just a quick post to say I phoned OW yesterday in a very low moment and made a bit of a fool of myself - then instantly regretted it

 

I know now that I cannot do this on my own & i should have taken the advice here sooner

 

I've spoken to my W today and booked an appointment to have an intial chat with a local therapist next week.

 

Matt

[norajane]

Hi all

 

Just a quick post to say I phoned OW yesterday in a very low moment and made a bit of a fool of myself - then instantly regretted it

 

I know now that I cannot do this on my own & i should have taken the advice here sooner

 

I've spoken to my W today and booked an appointment to have an intial chat with a local therapist next week.

 

Matt

 

What did you speak to your wife about? Going to marriage counseling together? Did you tell her the truth that you have continued your affair?

[Ladyjane14]

I've spoken to my W today and booked an appointment to have an intial chat with a local therapist next week.

 

 

Good deal. Glad to hear it.

 

I was concerned when you hadn't posted in a day or two that you'd gone off "mining for silver" again. But at least it didn't take quite so long for you to realize you need some support in order to meet your goals. Hey, booking an appointment is a start. It might be a baby-step, but EVERY step counts.

 

Sometimes you've got to be thankful for the small victories, bud.

If 'falling off the wagon' caused you to finally reach out for help, then you've made lemonade out of lemons.

[michaelk]

The reasons for cheating, don't change the outcome. BETRAYAL of the marriage. I am sure that people can come up with hundreds of excuses, for being unfaithful, but they are just that excuses. There is always a reason to justify our choices,( good and bad)so to say she's not meeting some need that should come from within me is a cop out. Or to say he isn't meeting some fairytale life that I had in my head is a load of crap.

 

When the vows were said, what did they mean. Do we even think about them or do we just recite them. They do having meaning and SHOULD be worth defending from all outside and inside threats.

 

I realize that there will always be people who are going to look for reasons to cheat, and that there are people who make one bad decision, but the consequences and repercussions for those decisions will effect more than the body part that was used in the deed.

 

I agree with what you're saying. I wasn't defending cheating. I was taking issue with the statement "If your family means so little that you would even entertain the idea of cheating, then mentally you have already left. Just be a man and make it official."

 

You're saying that at low points in a marriage, when things are on the rocks and one spouse is tempted, they should just throw in the towel at that moment. That the mere thought of being with someone else is betrayal enough to warrant divorce. Even if there are children involved. Sorry, but this kind of black and white thinking doesn't hold water.

 

We're all human. Human beings do incredibly stupid and hurtful things sometimes. Things which can't be justified. The person who can see the worst in their spouse, whatever that may be, and still love him or her, has a marriage that's far more worthy of saving than the person who'd leave at the first sign of infidelity.

[whichwayisup]

Glad you now realize that your life is heading down the toilet faster than you can say GO.

Therapy is a good start and talking to your wife is also good - Though, I have to ask, did you confess wtf has been going on with the OW, or did you glossover it? you don't have to answer if you don't feel comfortable, I'm just wondering where you are at when it comes to how much or how little you open up with your wife now.

 

OK, do yourself a big favour now - NEVER call the OW again. You will always regret doing so and honestly, everytime you call her, reach out to her, YOU feed HER ego! She knows it's over and now it's a waiting game to see what happens next. Do ALL that you can to get her OUT of your mind, your blood. She's bad news and will only mess you up if you continue down that path, so do the OUT of sight, out of mind thing.

 

Good luck with counselling and remember what your goal is. Fix things within yourself, learn to BE a better person, a husband and father...You CAN have it all Matty, a good marriage (because your wife keeps giving you chances) you just have to be willing to work your @ss off to do get there...

[mattym]

Thank you for the supportive comments, I thought I would get slammed for phoning OW

 

I just feel so depleted. My wife wants reassurance, she wants the loving husband she had before all this started, she wnats me to be thinking solely of her & the kids, she wants normality, and she has every right to want that, I just have no energy because I feel so low about everything and am mentally replaying things all day long

 

I have tried to talk to my W about how my feelings for OW have messed me up, but I hold back because I can see it's going to hurt her thinking I was in love with OW. It may not be honest, but I see so benefit of hurting her more than i already have, so I hang back

 

This is why I did a stupid thing. All day long I force my mind to think of things other than OW, then last night when i was alone for a while my thoughts got the better of me. I called OW, and it shocked me

 

She was very cold, I think my ego wanted her to be as broken up s I was. She said ' I've been dessimated once over you, I'm not doing it again. We are over, I'm not changing my mind. Even if you left your wife tomorrow, I'd always be No.2 in your life because your family will still be around'?! ( that shocked me, did she think I was going to forget I'd had a family?)

 

Anyway the conversation ended and she said ' 'well I'll see you whenever' and after I'd gone I felt pathetic for even calling her

 

For her to have gone from ( a few weeks ago) 'Im not strong enough to live without you- ou are the love of my life' to how she was tonight, how can both be right? In a matter of weeks? I wonder which one was the correct way she felt

 

I came online and found a local therapist - emailed her and explained a brief outline of what i wanted to discuss, and I'm off to see her next week

 

This morning W and I were talking, nd I explained that when i was out with oW I always saw familes and thought 'what am i doing?' - to try and show her that I hadn't forgotten my family. She said ' that means you're only here for the kids' - I tried to reassure her but nothing i say really helps - I hope that time will help solve things

 

Matt

[frannie]

She was very cold, I think my ego wanted her to be as broken up s I was. She said ' I've been dessimated once over you, I'm not doing it again. We are over, I'm not changing my mind. Even if you left your wife tomorrow, I'd always be No.2 in your life because your family will still be around'?!

 

matty you ask how she can go from being dessimated over you to wanting you out of her life because she will no longer put up with being second? I'd like to think that she came to the conclusion, based on your actions that you were never going to put her first, and seeing how low she'd got and how dependent on you, she realised that the best thing to do would be to cut you out of her life.

 

Others may claim that she's 'playing a game' to trap you, but I don't think so. Not every woman wants to wait around for a MM to make up his mind and come to them. I think you've lost her, and I think that's for the best, since you don't really respect her. I think you just need her... you need her to need you. Which is why you're shocked that she is saying she doesn't. It's what you've always been talking about every time you talk about her, and her seeing her ex, and going out with the girls and how apalling all that is (for a single girl?). It all boils down to this, you're only interested in whether she does or doesn't depend on you to make her life worth living. Evidently she doesn't. But your talking that way all the time says more to me about you than it does about her.

 

Why do you need her to need you? I think that's the key.

 

And now you're on the verge of losing your W too. Because concentrating on how loved your OW made you feel (because you needed to be needed in order to feel loved... jmho), you've forgotten all about this other woman you live with. The one you're married to... she's not just the mother of your children. She doesn't want to be that. She wants to be your full, romantic partner. And from what she said to you about it sounds like you're staying for the children..? How do you think that makes her feel? Unloved that's how.

 

matty I am glad you've made an appointment to see a therapist (I'm in the UK too and I know it's not so big over here as in the US). I just hope that it's not all too late for you. Take care.

[Ladyjane14]

Even if you left your wife tomorrow, I'd always be No.2 in your life because your family will still be around'?! ( that shocked me, did she think I was going to forget I'd had a family?)

 

Do you see how unrealistic her expectations were? You're a married man for pete's sake, with children to consider.... and she KNEW all that going in. What?... did she think you were going to wave your magic wand and your family was going to just suddenly disappear?

 

Nope. IMO, one doesn't go from "I can't live without you" to "We are over. I'm not changing my mind" in that short of a time span unless one is either playing games or has such an ego-based view so as to be completely unable to sort out REALITY.

Although, there is a third and more probable alternative. It's possible she's moved on to another man.

 

Any way you slice it though, you've missed the bullet on this one. Regardless of how things turn out with your wife, you are better off without this sophomoric drama in your life.

 

This morning W and I were talking, nd I explained that when i was out with oW I always saw familes and thought 'what am i doing?' - to try and show her that I hadn't forgotten my family. She said ' that means you're only here for the kids' - I tried to reassure her but nothing i say really helps - I hope that time will help solve things.

 

This is something that's going to take time. I've asked you in the past to really try to visualize what it must feel like to 'have the shoe on the other foot'. The betrayed spouse is sooooo demoralized. The blow to her self-esteem has been tremendous. It's better if you look at comments like this as a chance to offer her much-needed reassurance, rather than to internalize them as being insurmountable obstacles to recovery.

 

View it as you would a woman who's asking you "How do I look? as a means of fishing for compliments. In this case though, she's fishing for reassurance. Weirdly, even though you're the one who hurt her, she can draw more comfort from you than from anybody else.

[bestadvisor]

 

This morning W and I were talking, nd I explained that when i was out with oW I always saw familes and thought 'what am i doing?' - to try and show her that I hadn't forgotten my family. She said ' that means you're only here for the kids' - I tried to reassure her but nothing i say really helps - I hope that time will help solve things

 

Matt

 

Did you come clean with your W telling her that you slept with the OW even after she found out?

 

After your wife found out the first time, how do you have all these free time to hang out with this OW without your W getting suspicous? She must have known that you continued to cheat after her finding out.

[Ladyjane14]

View it as you would a woman who's asking you "How do I look? as a means of fishing for compliments. In this case though, she's fishing for reassurance. Weirdly, even though you're the one who hurt her, she can draw more comfort from you than from anybody else.

 

Remember... even though she argues back during these kinds of interchanges, she does hear you. Repeating your message of reassurance is a balm to her wounds. View it as medicine that doesn't work overnight, but over TIME.

[michaelk]

I have tried to talk to my W about how my feelings for OW have messed me up, but I hold back because I can see it's going to hurt her thinking I was in love with OW. It may not be honest, but I see so benefit of hurting her more than i already have, so I hang back

 

It's hard to say how open you should be. I was very honest with my wife, but when it came to how I felt for OW, she said she could have done without knowing about that. And understandably so. I think that seeing the love that used to be yours going to another person must be the hardest part of an affair.

 

For her to have gone from ( a few weeks ago) 'Im not strong enough to live without you- ou are the love of my life' to how she was tonight, how can both be right? In a matter of weeks? I wonder which one was the correct way she felt

You'll never know exactly how she felt, nor do you know whether she's telling you the truth now or merely protecting herself from further hurt. Does it matter? You've chosen to end that relationship, and so what's done is done. It's time to move on. Dwelling on how OW feels now, or what she's doing, or whether she's with someone else is not constructive.

 

I came online and found a local therapist - emailed her and explained a brief outline of what i wanted to discuss, and I'm off to see her next week

Great! I wish you the best. This should give you the outlet you need for your feelings about OW, allowing you to focus more on your marriage when you're at home.

 

This morning W and I were talking, nd I explained that when i was out with oW I always saw familes and thought 'what am i doing?' - to try and show her that I hadn't forgotten my family. She said ' that means you're only here for the kids' - I tried to reassure her but nothing i say really helps - I hope that time will help solve things

Try to focus on the positive with your W. Don't lie of course, but emphasize the reasons you're glad to be home and working on the marriage. In time, once you've demonstrated your new committment, she should become more secure in the fact that the A is behind you.

[norajane]

Try to focus on the positive with your W. Don't lie of course, but emphasize the reasons you're glad to be home and working on the marriage. In time, once you've demonstrated your new committment, she should become more secure in the fact that the A is behind you.

 

The problem is he IS lying to his wife. Because he continued the affair for months after it was supposedly 'over' and he is STILL calling the OW.

 

His wife may not KNOW that he is still lying and cheating behind her back, but I'm certain that he cannot possibly be demonstrating any 'new commitment' to his wife and family while he is still involved in his affair, and still mired in his thoughts of the OW.

 

How is his wife supposed to become more secure in the fact the the affair is behind him when IT IS NOT? Like I said, he may hide from his wife that he is still involved with OW, but his head and heart are not in the game at home, and I'm sure that shows in some way, and I'm sure that's feeding his wife's insecurity.

[child_of_isis]

Magnify that by about a million.....that is how your wife is feeling about now.

 

Matty, you are ****ed and don't even know it.

 

Your head is so far up your ass, you can't see the train barrelling down on you.

 

Splat!

 

For her to have gone from ( a few weeks ago) 'Im not strong enough to live without you- ou are the love of my life' to how she was tonight, how can both be right? In a matter of weeks? I wonder which one was the correct way she felt

[child_of_isis]

He already has lost everything. He just doesn't know it.

 

Call it poetic justice I guess, because he is in the dark now.

 

He is living in la la land, not having a clue as to what W is up to.

 

He hasn't gotten away with anything. He only believes that he has. There is nothing done in the dark that won't eventually come to the light. And when the light is shown on it, he may loose everything that was worth having in the first place. It is clear that what he believed about the ow was not true(thought she should come before his family. Why did she feel that way? You made her believe she was more important.) She was rather nasty in the end. But guess what, you ain't in the clear.

[michaelk]

The problem is he IS lying to his wife. Because he continued the affair for months after it was supposedly 'over' and he is STILL calling the OW.

 

His wife may not KNOW that he is still lying and cheating behind her back, but I'm certain that he cannot possibly be demonstrating any 'new commitment' to his wife and family while he is still involved in his affair, and still mired in his thoughts of the OW.

 

How is his wife supposed to become more secure in the fact the the affair is behind him when IT IS NOT? Like I said, he may hide from his wife that he is still involved with OW, but his head and heart are not in the game at home, and I'm sure that shows in some way, and I'm sure that's feeding his wife's insecurity.

 

Agreed, he is still lying. That's baggage that can bite him later, for sure.

 

As for it being behind him, I think where the affair is an emotional one, you can't expect him to flip a switch and suddenly be 100% focused on his marriage and family again. Just as his W needs time to put her emotional loss behind her, so does he. And I'm not asking you to sympathize with his situation - just recognize, from a purely pragmatic viewpoint, that it will take time for their marriage to recover from this. Months, maybe years.

 

As I understand it, he saw OW a few times after 'ending' the affair. Now that seems to have stopped. He did fall off the wagon with this phone call, but it seems like he's starting to come around, and hopefully with the help of a therapist, transgressions like these will be a thing of the past. And his heart and head can become increasingly engaged at home, if he continues to work at it.

[norajane]

Agreed, he is still lying. That's baggage that can bite him later, for sure.

 

As for it being behind him, I think where the affair is an emotional one, you can't expect him to flip a switch and suddenly be 100% focused on his marriage and family again. Just as his W needs time to put her emotional loss behind her, so does he. And I'm not asking you to sympathize with his situation - just recognize, from a purely pragmatic viewpoint, that it will take time for their marriage to recover from this. Months, maybe years.

 

As I understand it, he saw OW a few times after 'ending' the affair. Now that seems to have stopped. He did fall off the wagon with this phone call, but it seems like he's starting to come around, and hopefully with the help of a therapist, transgressions like these will be a thing of the past. And his heart and head can become increasingly engaged at home, if he continues to work at it.

 

It wasn't just a 'few' times. He carried on the affair, had sex with her, the whole bit. In this thread, he stated that the 2 or 3 days of NC they had was the longest ever. He didn't even end it because he chose to work on his marriage, because he chose his wife and family. Things are at the state they are with OW because SHE stopped feeding his ego, stopped with the sex, and SHE backed off.

 

And I understand, repairing a marriage after an affair takes a long, long time, IF EVER. He can't even begin to fix it, though, when he's still in the affair. He's still calling her, still seeking his ego boost. And yet he wonders that his wife can't believe him when he says he's staying for her and not the kids...

[michaelk]

And yet he wonders that his wife can't believe him when he says he's staying for her and not the kids...

 

Well, chances are that at this point, he's NOT staying for her. After falling in love with OW, he's going to have to rediscover his feelings for his W. He wasn't clear in his post how he 'reassured' her, but I hope he isn't lying and telling her that he's staying solely because of her. More lies are not going to help at this point.

[child_of_isis]

Yup! He ended nothing...OW did.

 

In all likelihood, she came to the conclusion that she didn't want what his wife has.

 

I bet if Matty gave it all up, OW would run!

 

She doesn't want it.

 

 

 

He didn't even end it because he chose to work on his marriage, because he chose his wife and family. Things are at the state they are with OW because SHE stopped feeding his ego, stopped with the sex, and SHE backed off.

 

[Ladyjane14]

... I hope he isn't lying and telling her that he's staying solely because of her.

 

I certainly wouldn't recommend he give her any further reason to doubt his feelings, Michael. If I had put up with this much bullsh*t and my spouse couldn't even be bothered to reassure me of his love... well, let's just say it would get ugly after that.

[mattym]

LJ14 - just a thought - what makes you think OW has found someone else? I wondered the same thing as the old phrase goes ' nothing like getting ove the old one as starting with the new one' or something - I wondered about that towards the end

 

In many was, thinking of her with someone else makes things easier for me, as it turns me straught off her

 

As for my wife, well we had a lovely family day out today - just like old times and things were really nice. I even forgot all this for a while

 

I have messed up for sure. Therapist emailed tonight saying my first visit we can discuss all the isues and start working out some strategies to start helping. My W thinks its expensive, but is willing to support me if it will move us all on away from this hole

[Ladyjane14]

LJ14 - just a thought - what makes you think OW has found someone else? I wondered the same thing as the old phrase goes ' nothing like getting ove the old one as starting with the new one' or something - I wondered about that towards the end

 

Do you remember in your last thread when I told you that her next moves would be X, Y, and Z, in no particular order? And then, as time passed by, it was so.

 

I believed then, based on your posts that this girl is a bit of a Drama Queen, and nothing you've posted since then has changed my opinion. Toward that end, I think it's likely she's getting her "drama fix" from somewhere. Her history suggests that traditionally she seeks out MEN in order to meet that need.

 

That said, there's still the outside chance that she's feeding her craving for drama by hanging with her girls and watching you squirm. As I said earlier, NC as a means of bringing the MM to heel is a well-known tactic in OW circles. It could be that she's set some kind of an arbitrary time-limit whereby she expects you to respond by leaving your wife and family.

 

Honestly, as mean as it sounds... I just don't think her motives are altruistic or emotionally self-protective. That hasn't been her previous MO.

[bestadvisor]

matty, you still did not or refused to answer the question: Does your wife know that you've been seeing this OW even after discovery day?