My Wife found out about me

[norajane]

I have messed up for sure. Therapist emailed tonight saying my first visit we can discuss all the isues and start working out some strategies to start helping. My W thinks its expensive, but is willing to support me if it will move us all on away from this hole

 

Yeah, and your wife doesn't really know how deep the hole is, does she? She has no idea you've been having sex with the OW for the last few months, does she? And your wife has no idea that you've been calling your OW and - in your own words - making a fool of yourself - does she?

 

My point is, you can't move away form this hole that you have created until YOU CHOOSE to. And you haven't yet chosen to, have you?

[LifesontheUp]

LJ14 - just a thought - what makes you think OW has found someone else? I wondered the same thing as the old phrase goes ' nothing like getting ove the old one as starting with the new one' or something - I wondered about that towards the end

 

In many was, thinking of her with someone else makes things easier for me, as it turns me straught off her

 

As for my wife, well we had a lovely family day out today - just like old times and things were really nice. I even forgot all this for a while

 

I have messed up for sure. Therapist emailed tonight saying my first visit we can discuss all the isues and start working out some strategies to start helping. My W thinks its expensive, but is willing to support me if it will move us all on away from this hole

 

How sad that yet again your the post starts about the OW. Not your wife and how you want to make this work and want to make up to her for what you've put her through. Oh no, Matty is yet again thinking about the whys and wheres of the OW.

 

I think you should do your wife a favour here. You are no way over the OW, she ended the affair, not you. Be honest with your wife about what you've been doing and LET HER DECIDE if she wants to work on the marriage or not.

 

A bit of warning Matty, I divorced my xH for his "lack of effort" to help repair the marriage. You are going down the same path. Your wife will not put up with you forever. I will assure you that you will soon come to the end of the rope with her and it will be bye bye Matty.

[michaelk]

I certainly wouldn't recommend he give her any further reason to doubt his feelings, Michael. If I had put up with this much bullsh*t and my spouse couldn't even be bothered to reassure me of his love... well, let's just say it would get ugly after that.

 

After an emotional involvement with OW, he may not be feeling love for his W. This doesn't mean that he can't regain it, though. So what does he do? Tell her the truth about his present feelings and risk his W giving up and losing the chance to salvage the marriage? OR does he save her feelings by lying and saying he's there because of his love for her, a lie which is no better than hiding his continued meetings with OW, and which perpetuates the burden of deception in the relationship?

 

I'm not pitching either approach. I'm just pointing out that the right choice isn't entirely obvious.

[michaelk]

LJ14 - just a thought - what makes you think OW has found someone else? I wondered the same thing as the old phrase goes ' nothing like getting ove the old one as starting with the new one' or something - I wondered about that towards the end

 

In many was, thinking of her with someone else makes things easier for me, as it turns me straught off her

 

Get your head out of that place, man! I already told you you can't be worrying about what OW is doing and with whom. That relationship is over, and you know it needs to stay over and why.

 

If your mind needs something to latch onto, imagine that she's found the perfect man for her, that she's very happy, and be happy for her. She's not pining for you, wishing other men were you, or waiting for you. She's moved on. End of story.

 

Now what are you going to do with your life?

[norajane]

Get your head out of that place, man! I already told you you can't be worrying about what OW is doing and with whom. That relationship is over, and you know it needs to stay over and why.

 

If your mind needs something to latch onto, imagine that she's found the perfect man for her, that she's very happy, and be happy for her. She's not pining for you, wishing other men were you, or waiting for you. She's moved on. End of story.

 

Now what are you going to do with your life?

 

I would suggest changing a couple of words in that thought:

 

If your mind needs something to latch onto, imagine that YOUR WIFE found the perfect man for her, that she's very happy, and be happy for her. She's not pining for you, wishing other men were you, or waiting for you. She's moved on. End of story.

 

NOW what are you going to do with your life?

Because that is how your story will end if you don't focus your energy and thoughts on your marriage and your wife instead of OW.

[mattym]

I know I seem selfish, I am just hurting at the moment. I feel such a profound sense of loss, like I am 15yrs old again & being dumped by my first girlfriend

 

I know what you are saying, and I do agree, and concentrating on my wife is exactly what I am trying to do. It's just that for months now on a daily basis I've had someone not asking me to wash up, bath the kids, remember to put the rubbish out etc etc, the normal things of life

 

I've had someone as you rightly say, 'feeding my ego' - I could do no wrong according to this girl. She wanted to be with me, kept telling me I was 'the one'...I led her along...because part of me also wanted that, the part that was not thinking of repurcussions, of what it would do to my wife who loved me, or my kids who adored me, or of anything other than my own needs

 

I would leave for work, and, now away from home, flip into 'ow' mode- be calling and talking to her, getting my ego boost. Then we'd steal time, meet, tell each other we loved each other, then have sex.

 

Then, I'd want to leave. I'd want my family. I'd go home to them, make extra effort, be the best dad and most attentive husband I could - OW had boosted my energy so much i could have run a marathon

 

I knew all along it would not last. And I always knew I'd never leave my family. Because I loved them

 

I have since doubted whether I do love my wife, because of what I've done. But love isn't just about going out for nice meals, having sex etc

 

Chatted with my wife today about the counselling. She said ' Go if you want, but you are a married man who was turned on by someone offering you sex. Hardly unusual, what can she tell you?'

 

I've explained that I want to understand why I need constant ego strokes, and change who I am, so this never happens again

 

I feel as though I am having to learn to love my wife again. My brain tells me that is what I shoudl do, it hs always said that. It's just that I allowed my heart to get involved with OW and I have to grieve the end of our relationship also

 

All my friends told me finish with OW and stay with my wife, so did my instincts...and so did all the good advisors here

 

If I'd never met OW, there's no way I'd have ever said there's anything wrong with my marriage, or have considered leaving it. This whole thing has put doubt into me, and my wife

 

Strange, but a woman at work has just been left by her H of 10+ years for an OW ( unlike me, he's done it before). They've been together a year and guess what, OW has finished with him and he's running around trying to win her back. A 50 yr old guy, now lost his family, his OW, his house, and living back at his parents! Maybe a lesson there for me...

 

If anyone ever came to me and said they were thinking of starting an A, I'd have some advice for them that's for sure. All it's done is cause hurt to 3 adults...

 

Matt

[bestadvisor]

Matt, the problem is that you're not remorseful for what you've done. All you did was making excuses and justifications for your actions.

 

It also seems that if the OW calls you now and wants you back, you're be running back into her arms.

[mattym]

You're right, chances re if she phoned now and asked to see me I might well do. The intellectual part of me doesn't want to , but there's this needy voice in me that says

' go for it, call her' etc etc

 

I am remorseful for the hurt I've caused, both to my family and the OW ( and to me) - do I regret that? yes of course. Do I regret the excitement I experienced? Not yet, if i'm honest - but maybe that will change

 

I feel vulnerable in the sense that I know I'd go back to her. I told her we're over as I knew that's what was on her mind too- to save her having to do it. But it's not something I can get over in one week, which is why i'm going to seek some help - so i never fall off that wagon again

[whichwayisup]

Matty, basically this goes for ANY type of therapy. What you put into it is what you get out of it. Remember that! If you want to get over the OW and have your wife and kids under ONE roof with you, then do everything possible to rid of the OW. All of this is in your hands - When you truly feel the life you want is with your wife and kids, then the OW can try every trick in the book to woo you back, it won't matter anymore. She won't matter anymore.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[JamesM]

I know I seem selfish, I am just hurting at the moment.

 

Strange, but a woman at work has just been left by her H of 10+ years for an OW ( unlike me, he's done it before). They've been together a year and guess what, OW has finished with him and he's running around trying to win her back. A 50 yr old guy, now lost his family, his OW, his house, and living back at his parents! Maybe a lesson there for me...

 

 

 

Matt

 

You KNOW there is a lesson there for you. Fact is...if you don't change, this man will be you because you WILL do this again...if you don't suddenly focus on your wife....AND she decides to refocus on you. From what you just posted, she may actually be already checking out of your marriage. If she thought you would change, then she would think counseling would be good for you. I wonder if she thinks it is too late for counseling?

 

You have made choices....you will have consequences. Now you have more choices...only you will face the consequences. As obvious as the choices seem to us...and sometimes even to you, nothing will change until you take action.

[4whatItsWorth]

If you truly loved your wife, you'd let her go. Because she deserves a man who isn't more concerned about another woman's whereabouts and life and emotions than hers...

 

If you two are meant to be, she'll come back. (your WIFE that is...)

 

I don't think this boy (yes, BOY) is ready to work on his marriage yet. Because he is not fully committed to it.

[LifesontheUp]

Your wife is or has already checked out of your marriage Matty. Her comment to you about the therapy is very revealing. It reminds me of how I became with my xH just before I started divorce proceedings.

 

Looking back at your previous thread I can see that nothing has really changed in the 3 months has it?

 

One very significant thing you said your wife asked you to do in your first post may be a big contributing factor to why your wife is checking out of the marriage. She asked you to change jobs.

 

For the last 3 months you have shown your wife that you are not willing to do something that will be so VERY important in her eyes. How do you think she feels about that?

 

You are being selfish and immature. I hope your wife throws you out because she deserves someone much better than you.

[luvstarved]

You're right, chances re if she phoned now and asked to see me I might well do. The intellectual part of me doesn't want to , but there's this needy voice in me that says

' go for it, call her' etc etc

 

I am remorseful for the hurt I've caused, both to my family and the OW ( and to me) - do I regret that? yes of course. Do I regret the excitement I experienced? Not yet, if i'm honest - but maybe that will change

 

I feel vulnerable in the sense that I know I'd go back to her. I told her we're over as I knew that's what was on her mind too- to save her having to do it. But it's not something I can get over in one week, which is why i'm going to seek some help - so i never fall off that wagon again

 

OMG this is like classic addiction and as such, I don't think that you will really start to regret the "excitement" until you have hit rock bottom. Right now, it seems that you are still unable to focus on anything whatsoever except your own needs, losses and feelings. You are stuck on the fix and have no empathy to offer others. It is like all of your remorse is really wrapped around the difficulties that this has presented for you, or from some notion of how you would consider yourself if you were to read about this situation as a third party. It doesn't ring true.

 

You are not able to commit yourself to your marriage because this is not who you are anymore, you have become something else and that something else is not admirable. It may be pitiable, but not admirable.

 

I think that you should read on addiction because that is really what you are going through. It might open your eyes. I feel bad that you have fallen into this trap and hope that you find a way out of it but as I said it is very common that this doesn't happen until the lowest of the low points occurs. I don't know how this might present itself to you, but it's out there and when you hit it, the regrets will start flowing soon enough.

 

Unfortunately, by that time, the people that you are agonizing over now are unlikely to care anymore. They will have rightly taken steps to protect themselves from the emotional damage you have willingly and knowingly dispensed to feed your addiction...

 

Have you checked out the "infidelity coach", Dr RObert Huizenga...there is a website "break free from the affair" or similar, google it. If you are interested truly in why you got here and what to do/expect now, that might have some good food for thought...

[Hard2Think]

Matt,

 

I'm curious to hear more about your wife's general attitude these days. Has she been angry with you yet?

 

I guess I would have expected that by now she would have had her extensive angry period and she'd be roasting you over the coals. If she hasn't, then I wonder if the reality of your affair has really "hit" her yet.

[bestadvisor]

I think Matt definately broke NC.

[michaelk]

OMG this is like classic addiction and as such, I don't think that you will really start to regret the "excitement" until you have hit rock bottom. Right now, it seems that you are still unable to focus on anything whatsoever except your own needs, losses and feelings. You are stuck on the fix and have no empathy to offer others.

 

There's a lot of truth to this. It's very similar to an addiction. The anticipation of seeing the OW, the excitement of sneaking around, the incredible sexual tension that is built up and released, and then a brief feeling of satiation - until you've been apart for a while, and it starts all over again. I sympathize with matty's situation. It's a hard transition to make.

 

However, that doesn't mean he won't make it. All the doom and gloom predictions don't have to come true, but it will require great effort on his part and incredible patience and tolerance on the part of his W.

 

I wish them both the best.

[michaelk]

I think Matt definately broke NC.

 

How about an update Matt?

[mattym]

Hi everyone - haven't had a chance to update as have been working

 

Thank you Michael for your posts - to read from someone who has 'been there' gives me real comfort & strength - and helps me to realise that I'm not going mad, and this does happen to other guys too

 

I just want the pain to stop. I pretend I don't, but the fact is I DO miss the OW. Maybe not just her, but the whole excitement of the situation. I agree, it IS an addiction, I've become addicted to her and I have to break from that. My family is where my gut always wanted to be ( couldn't trust my head as that justified what my heart was telling me!), my family is who I made a commitment to, and I should never have allowed all this to occur, but it did and now i have to make amends

 

My wife and I talk A LOT about the A, and over the past few days I've let other truths slip out. You know, it wasn't until the A that I realised what a decent person my wife is, how compassionate and kind she is in comparison to OW, who was impatient and self-serving. I think I risked the 'safe and comfortable' for the exciting and glamorous of a new love

 

We've had some real arguments too last few days. She's angry that I may have caught an STD ( no evidence of that ) which I could have passed to her. Today without her knowing I booked to get myself checked out. When/If I get the all-clear I will give her the report to allay her fears hopefully

 

Along with the anger she has moments of real self-doubt which just kills me to see. She feels unattractive ( she has no reason to, she's very attractive) and she feels inferior to OW as, in her words ' I guess she's more toned and slimmer as I've given birth twice' - of course, i reassure her but I guess this will be a long road. To my W, OW is a 'slut' who knew what she was going into but didnt care about her 'new mans family back home'

She's also angry as in her mind, OW wanted the 'perfect little family' using the kids she's given birth to, and she said today 'If you'd ever got with her, you could have seen the kids no problem, but not her, not for a long while at least'

 

I have explained that all along, I never wanted to leave her, not really. My mind played tricks, convinced me that OW and i could have our perfect life. OW was always saying ' sometimes you're with the wrong people, then you meet 'the one' - I dont believe there is any such thing, I realise now it's all down to how you treat another, and not some mystical force ( jmo)

 

As a family we are doing more now. Sundays are good at the moment, we make a big thing of having dinner together ( which we never did during the A as I was always off out). I make a concious effort to be more physiclaly closer to my W, holding her as we walk along etc as we did before the kids came along, and I keep telling her that I never stopped loving her ( true)

 

OW is still on my mind, I hope she's ok and I think about her everyday. I was toying with sending her a text, not to get her back, but just to aplogise for stringing her along, for making her believe we'd be together when we wouldn't and for hurting her. I was going to add that I wish her luck and maybe someday if we see each other we could at least be friends

 

haven't sent it, but thought it might 'put things to rest' ?

[whichwayisup]

No NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! You can NOT be friends with the OW EVER. You owe her nothing. You've already appologized to her, ended it and broken NC over and over again. SILENCE and NO CONTACT FOREVER is the key. Do not consider texting her and asking her how she's doing, or that you're thinking of her. NOTHING. Not a word.

 

Second thing - You should not be hiding the fact you're getting checked out (thought you did that already btw) for STD's. YOU BOTH have to get checked, so take your wife with you. Tell her you're doing this, don't go hiding it, you've done enough sneaking around already, so be upfront about everything now.

 

Focus on your family unit. It's great you're spending more time with your wife and kids, bonding. Now you need to learn to push the thoughts of the OW out of your head as it's POINTLESS now thinking of her. I mean, you more or less now have realized she isn't long term love material. She's not the type of woman you want around your kids, let alone the type of person who would love and adore you like your wife (for some reason) does.

 

Count your lucky stars Matty...You have an incredible wife who is willing to work WITH you to get past this so do your best to let go of the OW. Get to therapy, or continue with it if you're still going.

[mattym]

Thanks WWIU , I do appeciate it - just trying to come out of all this not feeling like the evil guy, that's all

 

Counselling is continuing - I'm back in a few days, and me getting checked for STDs in private was so i could give her the (hopefully) good news without making a big deal of it- thought it would be a considerate thing to do

[whichwayisup]

You're welcome.

 

Look, you're not an evil guy, you've just been doing an evil thing and it's messing up your life. If you don't stop, you WILL lose everything! Your wife, living in your comfy home with your kids, lifestyle, respect of those who you know, your own parents, siblings, friends...Sure, they may stick with you, but they won't like your actions one bit.

 

Good that you're doing the counselling. Though I still think you need to tell your wife you're getting checked out. She needs to be even if you come out clean. Certain STD's can be passed along even if you test negative now.

 

Another thing, try going elsewhere on the boards here, other sections and answer other people's threads. It could help you gain insight. Also, it will get your post count up so you can have private messaging enabled. There are some things I would like to say to you, but would rather discuss in PM mode.

[michaelk]

I agree with WWIU. Openness is the key to your future relationship with your W, and telling her about the STD tests is a must.

 

And I'm sure you're not evil. As long as you can own the bad thing you did, yet realize it doesn't mean you're inherently bad, you can become wiser as a result of this and learn some important things about yourself.

 

Best wishes!

[norajane]

OW is still on my mind, I hope she's ok and I think about her everyday. I was toying with sending her a text, not to get her back, but just to aplogise for stringing her along, for making her believe we'd be together when we wouldn't and for hurting her. I was going to add that I wish her luck and maybe someday if we see each other we could at least be friends

 

haven't sent it, but thought it might 'put things to rest' ?

No. You just want to contact her because you crave her attention. Remember the part where you said it was like an addiction? You contacting her is another way to try to get your fix. It's long past time you went cold turkey.

 

And No, because that's one more thing you'll lie to your wife about, on top of the huge heap of lies you already have amassed. How many lies and lies of omission do you think you can handle before you mess up and your wife finds out you kept seeing and contacting the OW looooong after you told her your affair was over?

 

And NO, because your OW already put it to rest. You keep contacting her and she might get so sick of you that she'll contact your wife and tell her EVERYTHING just to get you off her back.

[bestadvisor]

I think Matt definately broke NC.

 

OW is still on my mind, I hope she's ok and I think about her everyday. I was toying with sending her a text, not to get her back, but just to aplogise for stringing her along, for making her believe we'd be together when we wouldn't and for hurting her. I was going to add that I wish her luck and maybe someday if we see each other we could at least be friends

 

haven't sent it, but thought it might 'put things to rest' ?

 

I was not right, but it seems that I will be right eventually.

 

Matt, remember the last time you did that, you end up making her coffee and cheating on your wife again and it continues for a while after that.

 

You need to have "NC" stamped on your forehead.

[mattym]

I'm trying, and haven't broken NC, but it's hard work