My Wife found out about me

[mattym]

OW text me out the blue last night, saying she hadn't been in touch so that I didn't get the wrong idea and think there could be something between us anymore. She said we should ' be there for each other' and be friends, maybe meet up sometime

 

I deleted it but it's really brought me down this morning I was just getting used to NC

 

Off to the therapists today so at least I can talk that through

[LifesontheUp]

OW text me out the blue last night, saying she hadn't been in touch so that I didn't get the wrong idea and think there could be something between us anymore. She said we should ' be there for each other' and be friends, maybe meet up sometime

 

I deleted it but it's really brought me down this morning I was just getting used to NC

 

Off to the therapists today so at least I can talk that through

 

Damn thats a shame as you seem to be doing well. IMHO, I think she's been playing a game with you all along over the NC. She's showing her true colours here now Matt, so try and remember that......shes a game player.

 

Keep strong.......you can do it

[cj1988]

You see she is a game player and that is WHO she is......she cannot stand it YOU do not want her anymore for whatever reason.

 

Think about it Matt, YOU are in control now and have the upper hand within yourself now, you are in charge of your life and emotions now, NOT HER and she cannot stand it.

 

She is the one being rejected and that always freaks people out to think they want more or something they cannot have !

 

You should feel GOOD about yourself !

[JamesM]

OW text me out the blue last night, saying she hadn't been in touch so that I didn't get the wrong idea and think there could be something between us anymore. She said we should ' be there for each other' and be friends, maybe meet up sometime

 

 

My interpretation when I read that..."Let's be friends and meet for a drink sometime. And then because I know you so well, I will be able to persuade you to start something up with me. But it will then seem that YOU initiated the new affair, because i told you that I wanted to be just friends."

[Meaplus3]

OW text me out the blue last night, saying she hadn't been in touch so that I didn't get the wrong idea and think there could be something between us anymore. She said we should ' be there for each other' and be friends, maybe meet up sometime

 

I deleted it but it's really brought me down this morning I was just getting used to NC

 

Off to the therapists today so at least I can talk that through

 

Good for your deleting her text, that's a step in the right direction. I think it's a great idea for you to talk this over with your therapist. Talking and venting work's wonder's it's such a good way to put thing's back into perspective. Good Luck. Stay Strong!!

 

AP:)

[whichwayisup]

Matty!! Time to block her email address. Out of sight, out of mind! Remember that!

 

Hope you have a good therapy session today.

[michaelk]

OW text me out the blue last night, saying she hadn't been in touch so that I didn't get the wrong idea and think there could be something between us anymore. She said we should ' be there for each other' and be friends, maybe meet up sometime

 

I deleted it but it's really brought me down this morning I was just getting used to NC

 

Off to the therapists today so at least I can talk that through

 

Good way to handle the situation! Hope the therapy goes well.

 

Best wishes,

 

MK

[bestadvisor]

OW text me out the blue last night, saying she hadn't been in touch so that I didn't get the wrong idea and think there could be something between us anymore. She said we should ' be there for each other' and be friends, maybe meet up sometime

 

I deleted it but it's really brought me down this morning I was just getting used to NC

 

Off to the therapists today so at least I can talk that through

 

Keep NC! Also mentally prepare for her to want you back (she craves attention especially when you're not giving her any) and chances are she will start with the whole "crying 7 days of tears in one day" crap or something milder this time and then days later give you the cold shoulder. Then, the whole cycle starts again and if that happens, you can pretty much kiss your wife and family good bye. Remember the dream you had about your W with another man, that eventually will be a reality.

[mattym]

Keep NC! Also mentally prepare for her to want you back (she craves attention especially when you're not giving her any) and chances are she will start with the whole "crying 7 days of tears in one day" crap or something milder this time and then days later give you the cold shoulder. Then, the whole cycle starts again and if that happens, you can pretty much kiss your wife and family good bye. Remember the dream you had about your W with another man, that eventually will be a reality.

 

You're right, I will do. Thank you

 

Even in that short text, she also said she was 'run ragged' and ' oh I'm so busy' - as you say she's never just upset its 'crying days of tears' , 'im not strong enough to be without you' - always dramatics

 

Did I mention, she once told me about several guys she' met , who after 1 conversation started asking her if she was interested in casual sex with him

I said ' well a guy will only think that if you've given him a reason to - maybe its the way you talk?'

( she talks quite sexually in conversations, telling guys at work that she barely knows that she's had her waxing done last night, how painful it is, that she has sex toys for if there's no man around, etc etc etc )

 

She got quite angry over that and said ' You think I'm a slut' and started getting upset. With time away+distance I am starting to see how she works a little now...

 

Told my wife about it last night. She said 'Jesus the girl isn't normal. She talks to guys about that stuff then wonders why they hit on her? What a drama queen. She's heading for a sad life'

[cj1988]

Now you are starting to see the REAL person that she is and not the one she wants you see. Happens all the time, especially in A's......The old " I am such a good person and he or she treats me so bad, why I do not know" crap......I witnessed that first hand with my H and OW. He was perfect and I was EVIL she said one time to his own son.....why because my tire went flat at her house and my H knew for weeks it needed air.....I thought he took care of it like he said he would....well I looked at him and said," YOu did not put air in my tire" and I am evil for attacking him like that ! So, as you see the BS always has the issues and the WS does not....we all play games to get what we want, or should I say LIE our a--- off to get what we want.....

 

If more people would be their TRUE self, less A would happen, because you would see the flaws that we all have right off the bat.....then you might think twice about caring for someone you really DO NOT KNOW !

 

Who knows a S better....the NEW lover or the one they have shared a life, bed for YEARS???? Of course the S knows better.....so when your S leaves you and you tell the new one, you have no idea what he or she is like, they find out shortly after that the S was sooooo right !

 

People do not change very often....so if someone is verbally abusive in a relationship they will be the same way in the next.....so find out what you can before you THINK that you are MADLY in love with the OTHER....you will soon find out you were in love with what they claimed to be, not who they really are !

[bestadvisor]

Matt, does your wife have any knowledge about your continue involvement with OW even after discovery day?

 

Does your W still want another child with you?

[mattym]

BA -

 

Yes, on both questions

 

That's part of why recovery is that much harder. I told her that was it but went back again to OW, so she finds it hard to believe that I don't want OW and want the family

 

I have said we should hang fire on making a decision about children until this matter is in the past a little more and we're both recovered enough to deal with all the stresses that will bring

 

Matt

[mattym]

I don't usually post in here, but LS has really helped me in my situation, so I thought this may help any OW out there, who may be wondering when everything's going to 'come right' and you & MM will be together

 

Feel free to ignore what I have to say, it is only my opinion after all..

 

I am now a 'recovering' cheating MM. I cheated on my wife for the best part of this year with another woman

 

I told her I loved her. I genuinely believe she was in love with me

 

I told her I was unhappy with my Wife and it was children/finances/workload/family pressures prevented me from leaving 'just yet'

(not so unhappy that I couldn't make love to OW any chance I got, and spend money on her of course)

 

She talked about us getting married, having kids, our own home, everyone knowing , all of it being out in the open

 

I went along with all of it, and I was LYING throughout

 

I've worked with guys over the years who've cheated ( some habitually) and in my experience we all LIE all the time to OW to get we want - namely sex, being made to feel great, ego strokes and generally feeling 'young & single' again. I've known a couple who DID leave for the OW - they cheated on them too. It makes us feel any woman desires us you see...

 

I've posted elsewhere tonight saying that if you are an OW and any of that sounds familiar then just take care of yourselves. It isn't nice but your man COULD be using you for what he can get

 

I don't say this to be cruel, but we are getting comfort and security at home, and excitement with the OW. We'll say anything to maintain that as long as possible

 

You think your MM is different? Try cutting out the sex for 3 months, or give him 4 weeks to make a decision to come & be with you

If he's still there after that, congratulations. You have a winner

 

I don't mean to upset anyone but when he tells you that you are his soulmate, just check who he's spending Christmas with.

I lied till i could not remember what I'd said anymore, and I hurt 2 people who cared about me for my own selfish ends.

I am not proud of how I behaved, and I am paying the price now, but Perhaps reading this if you are an OW you can avoid being the victim of this from a man such as me

 

regards

 

Matt

[bestadvisor]

 

Did I mention, she once told me about several guys she' met , who after 1 conversation started asking her if she was interested in casual sex with him

I said ' well a guy will only think that if you've given him a reason to - maybe its the way you talk?'

( she talks quite sexually in conversations, telling guys at work that she barely knows that she's had her waxing done last night, how painful it is, that she has sex toys for if there's no man around, etc etc etc )

 

She got quite angry over that and said ' You think I'm a slut' and started getting upset. With time away+distance I am starting to see how she works a little now...

 

Told my wife about it last night. She said 'Jesus the girl isn't normal. She talks to guys about that stuff then wonders why they hit on her? What a drama queen. She's heading for a sad life'

 

If you didn't use protection every time (which based on what you said, you didn't), there is a very good chance that you have caught something from her and probably has passed on to your W already. Ever fear that she might got pregnant?

[Mittens]

Thanks for your honesty Matt, it is refreshing...

 

Can I ask you a few things?

 

Do you ever miss the OW?

 

Do you think badly of the OW, now it's over?

 

And if your wife knows about the OW, do you bad-mouth the OW to your wife?

 

I would really be grateful if you could answer those for me

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Thanks Matt,

 

Sounds to me like whether I had married you or been your OW, I would have got cheated on either way. Are you going to post this in the other forums to say men might cheat so beware?

 

I kept up with your thread on infidelity and I'm happy for you if you're happy and working on your marriage now, but just because you had a relationship that lasted a couple of months that filled YOUR ego, it doesn't mean every affair is based on the same reality of yours. Every situation is different.

 

Thanks for sharing though

[overandout]

There are a few OW who should take heed of your words.

Your honesty is refreshing and may see some OW to see the light.

[mattym]

Thanks Matt,

 

Sounds to me like whether I had married you or been your OW, I would have got cheated on either way. Are you going to post this in the other forums to say men might cheat so beware?

 

I kept up with your thread on infidelity and I'm happy for you if you're happy and working on your marriage now, but just because you had a relationship that lasted a couple of months that filled YOUR ego, it doesn't mean every affair is based on the same reality of yours. Every situation is different.

 

Thanks for sharing though

 

You could be right- I behaved very selfishly. I'm trying my best now to become a better man.

 

Sure, I guess every A has differences. As I said, just my opinion..

 

Matt

[imstunned]

I have been following your story on the other board too. I remember reading one of your older posts from the summer and it giving me some hope that my exmm was thinking of me too (wishful thinking). You seem a really decent guy, and I think it was nice of you to post that - hope it all works out for you.

[mattym]

Thanks for your honesty Matt, it is refreshing...

 

Can I ask you a few things?

 

Do you ever miss the OW?

 

Do you think badly of the OW, now it's over?

 

And if your wife knows about the OW, do you bad-mouth the OW to your wife?

 

I would really be grateful if you could answer those for me

 

Hi Mittens

 

Do I miss the OW? Yes, very much. I became addicted to her, or maybe how she made me feel

 

I think badly of her on occasion, although that is interpersed with guilt from me. I lied, I manipulated and I exaggerated, but she knew going in that I was a MM

 

My W knows all about the OW and yes, I do bad-mouth her

 

You know, last week I was out having a drink with some guys - 2 of whom have had numerous affairs and are still married. To my knowledge they've just never been discovered

We were discussing another guy who's just left his wife to be with OW and it's all broken down. Now he's alone and living with his parents

 

I said ' you know his wife was a lovely girl ' - she was too, very kind, pretty and decent person

 

One of the other guys said ' Doesn't matter. When all's said and done, which one gave him the blow job every night?'

 

They all laughed - and I'm not saying ALL men are like that, but you may find that food for thought

[imstunned]

You had some doubts about the suitablity of your OW as long term GF material didnt you - is that what put you off leaving - I know how much you miss her. If she hadnt been so scatty and such a drama queen would things have turned out differently. Was it all about the sex for you?

[mattym]

You had some doubts about the suitablity of your OW as long term GF material didnt you - is that what put you off leaving - I know how much you miss her. If she hadnt been so scatty and such a drama queen would things have turned out differently. Was it all about the sex for you?

 

You know, starting off I thought I could be like those guys I mentioned - take what I could get and then go, but I got so addicted to her that yes, i started to wonder ' could this work' - especially in moments where, my W suspecting I was up to something, would start to question me

I always knew though deep down I didnt want to leave my wife, so as you said, looked for things wrong with OW to counterbalance the lust/want I had for her

 

If there'd been NO sex, i doubt I'd have put much effort into seeing OW

 

If My wife had thrown me out, I'd have gone to the OW

 

But not BECAUSE I'd chosen that, because I'd have had no choice

 

As I say , this is just my story...

[imstunned]

I wish we had more MEN full stop - and Men that have had affairs positng. Its just great to get a mans view full stop (my own opinion). As ever not one view will fit all - (I WISH my exmm has found it hard to let me go like you seem to have your OW - but that would be just wishfull thinking!) - but its helpful all the same!

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

You could be right- I behaved very selfishly. I'm trying my best now to become a better man.

 

Sure, I guess every A has differences. As I said, just my opinion..

 

Matt

 

It wasn't you're selfishness that came to my attention, Matt. It was the timing of your relationship. What was it? 3 months? In my mind, it was a sexual ego-fuelled holiday from what sounded like a mundane marriage due to your W having lots on with your children.

 

I have no doubt that MM act selfishly. But so do I, Matt so I'm not going to say anything about that. My love for my MM comes above anything. My future with him is paramount. Its what I want, he is everything I want in a man (cue bashers to say WHat? You want a cheater??) No, I want my lovely man with his flaws, his fears. My MM did it differently to you and separated after a year of our R for 9 months. He filed for D, sold his house and during the move returned to his M after feeling terribly guilty for his children, grieving for what once was.

 

I'm glad he did because trying to reconcile showed him why he didn't want to be there in the first place and it wasn't about having an affair. He just outgrew his W after marrying very young. It happens. He's separated again and I have no doubt he loves her and their history together. It just didn't work anymore.

 

I see the pain on his face when he has to leave his children, when he gets so much thrown at him because his marriage no longer worked. So thats why I disagree with you describing all MM under "We".

 

If someone was to ask me about affairs, of course I would tell them about the terrible pain involved in all parties and discourage them from getting involved. Just like I told you on your first thread. As I say, every situation is different and generalisations dont help anyone.

[reboot]

One of the other guys said ' Doesn't matter. When all's said and done, which one gave him the blow job every night?'

 

They all laughed - and I'm not saying ALL men are like that, but you may find that food for thought

I think a lot of these women would be completely mortified to find out how many men are just like that.