My Wife found out about me

[mattym]

Yeah, god forbid the wife blames who is really responsible

 

Funnily enough, my husband blames me, totally...maybe I should start blaming the other guy?

 

It's true. My W's view of the OW is that she is nothing more than a slut. I have spent so many times almost pleading to be blamed more!

 

As you know, it really does take two to tango

 

Maybe someone can answer a question for me..

 

I've read that women feel insecure about themselves most of the time, regardless of how they look

I KNEW, before I'd even started anything, that OW was looking for someone to show her affection. It was so obvious

 

Is this why women fall for the same old excuses over & over as to why the guy won't leave his W?

[bestadvisor]

Do you all know that, statistically speaking, about 50% of affairs end up in spreading of STDs. Matty, you should be praying right now that the saint of yours (OW) didn't give you anything that you later passed to your W.

[bestadvisor]

Matty, if you didn't use protection every time (which based on what you said, you didn't), there is a very good chance that you have caught something from her and probably has passed on to your W already. Ever fear that she might got pregnant?

[mattym]

Do you all know that, statistically speaking, about 50% of affairs end up in spreading of STDs. Matty, you should be praying right now that the saint of yours (OW) didn't give you anything that you later passed to your W.

 

She's no saint, BA, but I take your point

 

As you know I am getting myself checked out so fingers crossed

[White Flower]

Hi Whiteflower - you're being kinder to me than I deserve in all honesty

 

I wasn't posting here when I was in the full-flow of the A. Why would I? I was having it all and life was great. It was only when things came off the rails & I wanted to know if I was the only one in the world who'd gone through this, why Id' done it and how I dig myself out if it that I landed here

 

I guess there are various reasons why more MM do not post here. Firstly there are BWs here ready to 'do a bobbit ' on us, men also are notorious for not expressing themselves, and I guess there are others, as I've witnessed that just don't care about the OW enough to dwell on it, they'd rather move to the next one

 

Friends of mine, trying to be helpful have even said ( and I'm not kidding here, these are adult men in professional jobs) ' Come on, cheer up - you had your fun. You haven't lost anything. What the hell did you admit to stuff for?'

 

If you're an OW, all I'm saying is that if the guy is getting what he wants, without having to change anything at home then why would he go through that upheaval? Leave home and be with you? Why would he?

You're right about the BWs "doing the Bobbit" (lol) on you and I suspect that's what drove my MM far, far away from this place. Who knows, he may have read about their pain and suffering and HE may have been the one who ended it, not me.

 

But I do feel MM and MW do lose something even after the affair and return to their BS whether they realize it or not. You should read Fisherman's thread, "OW anger verses MM anger". He is another insightful former MM. For me, what will be lost is my self-respect and of course his presence in my life. I say self-respect because although I really didn't have to lie much (H is really self-absorbed and very neglectful--he simply didn't notice), but I did do things in secret which I'm not proud of. Unless I were a spy:)

[sarme]

I care about the OW, but I know my w when i met her would never have entertained going with a MM. In a man's mind, that makes her a better long-term bet

 

Hope I don't sound heartless, just trying to be honest

 

Wow the double standard. It's funny those that expect the most out of other people are the ones who can offer the least. People with very low self esteem tend to expect from others what they cannot deliver themselves.

 

I don't see how a woman who is not willing to go with a MM is a better catch for someone who mislead two women at the same time through lies and deceit and sefishness?

 

I guess that is a very chauvenistic way to look at things, some men are more chauvenistic than others that I know is true.

[Impudent Oyster]

However, dont you think that this would be equally hurtful to BWs knowing their husbands passed their marriage up for a BJ?

 

Yes, I'm sure that happens all the time....

[child_of_isis]

Matty, you need some new friends.

 

 

 

You know, last week I was out having a drink with some guys - 2 of whom have had numerous affairs and are still married. To my knowledge they've just never been discovered

We were discussing another guy who's just left his wife to be with OW and it's all broken down. Now he's alone and living with his parents

 

I said ' you know his wife was a lovely girl ' - she was too, very kind, pretty and decent person

 

One of the other guys said ' Doesn't matter. When all's said and done, which one gave him the blow job every night?'

 

They all laughed - and I'm not saying ALL men are like that, but you may find that food for thought

[sarme]

Do you all know that, statistically speaking, about 50% of affairs end up in spreading of STDs. Matty, you should be praying right now that the saint of yours (OW) didn't give you anything that you later passed to your W.

 

 

This is the most ridiculour thing I have ever read.

 

I have never even had as much as a cold sore let alone an STD. Same for my b/f.

 

Promiscuity is not the same as getting entangled with someone we shouldn't. Let's be fair now. They are not sex addicts.

 

The amount of scare tactics people use to try to sully up an already muddy situation is laughable. So to all the single people out there they might as well forget about every having sex again because chances are since one is single one is spreding STDs therefore forget about having a future with anyone who is single or gay.

 

People who engage in affiars give you cancer too.

 

An affair is not indicative of careless sexual habbits, promiscuity is. And promiscuous people will be that whether in an affiar or single or married or whatever.

[mattym]

Wow the double standard. It's funny those that expect the most out of other people are the ones who can offer the least. People with very low self esteem tend to expect from others what they cannot deliver themselves.

 

I don't see how a woman who is not willing to go with a MM is a better catch for someone who mislead two women at the same time through lies and deceit and sefishness?

 

I guess that is a very chauvenistic way to look at things, some men are more chauvenistic than others that I know is true.

 

I am no catch, I agree with you sarme. And everything about being unfaithful is selfish. Like a lot of guys I craved excitement and fulfillment, and thought another woman would give me that. Well, its not exciting anymore, but thats why I did it- not this Hollywood idea of star-crossed lovers finally meeting each other

 

Ever noticed how whent he MM is caught out his 'soul-mate' is suddenly slagged off by him?

[mattym]

I kept up with all your post and you thought I rode you pretty hard. Maybe I did, but what you now see is that sometimes we all need a 2x4. And as far as a bobbit, if that were my style (it was before God stepped in), I would reserve that for Mr. Messy Pants.

 

LOl, yes & I'm grateful to you BNb

[bestadvisor]

This is the most ridiculour thing I have ever read.

 

I have never even had as much as a cold sore let alone an STD. Same for my b/f.

 

 

The Center of Disease Control said it, not me. Get yourself educated and tested.

[whichwayisup]

I have never even had as much as a cold sore let alone an STD. Same for my b/f.

 

This isn't about you, it's about Matty's OW and considering her past sexual partners, it's a good thing Matty has been checked out, just incase she does have something. It would be even MORE irresponsible of him NOT to get checked out for STD's. Are you saying that he should 100% trust the word of his OW that she is clean and has been tested recently?

 

Matty, good for you for posting your thoughts and experience in here. Hopefully it will help out some who really are willing to change their lives.

[sarme]

I am no catch, I agree with you sarme. And everything about being unfaithful is selfish. Like a lot of guys I craved excitement and fulfillment, and thought another woman would give me that. Well, its not exciting anymore, but thats why I did it- not this Hollywood idea of star-crossed lovers finally meeting each other

 

Ever noticed how whent he MM is caught out his 'soul-mate' is suddenly slagged off by him?

 

 

I'm not saying you are no catch, I am sure you have many great qualities that redeem your not so great ones like we all have, but I find a little bit chauvenistic your rationalization. I suppose that might be typically male particularly in some cultures. You are in England are you not? Men have very big double standards and it is quite the chauvenistic society. That is my impression and experience so maybe that has a lot to do with your way of thinking.

 

Didn't understand that last part about slagging off the soule mate? did you mean that the cheater bad mouthes the "soul-mate" when he is caught?

 

And yes I see that a lot. I see here a lot of cases of men that say what ever they have to to get back into the good books again, again that to me is not a form of recovery it is entering into a new situation with more lies and more deceit. It is training yourself to continue your lying patterns, and sooner or later each lie becomes easier and slowly grows and you will be lying again in many respects. I don't mean your personally I mean people in general.

 

Earlier I asked you if you believe that once a cheater always a cheater, so then that must mean you know for a fact you will again? how do you apply that theory to yourself then? Because then it sounds like you made the safe choice but you offer no guarantees you won't walk down this path again.

[child_of_isis]

Matty, are you from the deep south....lol

 

This part is so funny, I swear I blew pop out of my mouth.

 

My god...do guys really let their sexual organs dictate life choices?

 

 

If there'd been NO sex, i doubt I'd have put much effort into seeing OW

 

If My wife had thrown me out, I'd have gone to the OW

 

But not BECAUSE I'd chosen that, because I'd have had no choice

 

As I say , this is just my story...

[sarme]

This isn't about you, it's about Matty's OW and considering her past sexual partners, it's a good thing Matty has been checked out, just incase she does have something. It would be even MORE irresponsible of him NOT to get checked out for STD's. Are you saying that he should 100% trust the word of his OW that she is clean and has been tested recently?

 

Matty, good for you for posting your thoughts and experience in here. Hopefully it will help out some who really are willing to change their lives.

 

 

It's asked in every single thread.

 

A person could be talking about having and EA and someone will say "get checked" for STDs. :laugh:

 

Gimme a break!

[bestadvisor]

Matty, you should be very glad that she's not pregnant even though you had unprotected sex with her. If she's pregnant, your life is pretty much over.

[mattym]

My god...do guys really let their sexual organs dictate life choices?

 

I have to be careful not to generalize here...but YES!

 

Sex dominates our lives. Ever see a guy filling up his car ? why do we shake the nozzle before we put it back in?

 

Seriously though, it's only women who have this daft idea of 'we're destined to be together' etc etc

 

Go on any dating website or lonely heart ad - women want 'companionship, someone to share their life with'

men want ' good looking, for fun and maybe more'

 

I'm generalizing again I know, but this idea that there are men gathered in bars discussing their emotional needs and how to make their partner feel fulfilled is crap. They're more likely checking out the girl behind the bar

[Mittens]

This is the most ridiculour thing I have ever read.

 

I have never even had as much as a cold sore let alone an STD. Same for my b/f.

 

Promiscuity is not the same as getting entangled with someone we shouldn't. Let's be fair now. They are not sex addicts.

 

The amount of scare tactics people use to try to sully up an already muddy situation is laughable. So to all the single people out there they might as well forget about every having sex again because chances are since one is single one is spreding STDs therefore forget about having a future with anyone who is single or gay.

 

People who engage in affiars give you cancer too.

 

An affair is not indicative of careless sexual habbits, promiscuity is. And promiscuous people will be that whether in an affiar or single or married or whatever.

 

I agree...my ex was the first person I had sex with in nearly 15 years. He was the one who admitted that he had had threesomes in the past...

 

Which his 'nice' GF knew nothing about.

 

My H wouldn't have noticed if I had shagged the ex in front of him...he doesn't see us not having sex in nearly a year as a problem.. but I was looking for attention, affection more than sex.

 

The ex was the one who chased me...the one who told me he loved me before we had even met. He was the one who admitted he had been looking for another woman. I resisted meeting him for 2 months, until he wore me down with his constant talk of 'love'....apparently I made him 'feel a passion he never thought he would feel again' (direct quote from one of his hundreds of emails)

 

And now I'm told, on here, that not only was that a load of **** (no kidding, like I hadn't already worked that one out) but now I am the one that his stupid GF is now blaming for the whole thing...

 

Must be nice to be a man, never have to take responsibility for your own actions, always palm it off on some 'woman...who, of course, can't possibly be as 'good' or as 'nice' as your wife...

 

Is that because the OW was stupid enough to bother with you in the first place, knowing that you were a cheater? Less wool to pull over her eyes? Less 'gaslighting' to be done?

 

[sarme]

And on the STD topic we are all adults here if you are not using protection and are sleeping with a new parter it's a given you should get tested, how patronizing to harp on and tell a grown adult "get tested"

[sarme]

IThe ex was the one who chased me...the one who told me he loved me before we had even met. He was the one who admitted he had been looking for another woman. I resisted meeting him for 2 months, until he wore me down with his constant talk of 'love'....apparently I made him 'feel a passion he never thought he would feel again' (direct quote from one of his hundreds of emails)

 

 

That's exactly like my situation he said those very same words, and to this day when he looks me in the eyes and kisses me passionately he tells me "I never knew love like this could exist"

 

So not all that is lies. A lot of guys do feel that, the fact that their lives become so complicated and they can't make a leap does not take away form what they feel. So don't be so quick to dismiss what your man told your in a moment of emotion.

[mattym]

I agree...my ex was the first person I had sex with in nearly 15 years. He was the one who admitted that he had had threesomes in the past...

 

Which his 'nice' GF knew nothing about.

 

My H wouldn't have noticed if I had shagged the ex in front of him...he doesn't see us not having sex in nearly a year as a problem.. but I was looking for attention, affection more than sex.

 

The ex was the one who chased me...the one who told me he loved me before we had even met. He was the one who admitted he had been looking for another woman. I resisted meeting him for 2 months, until he wore me down with his constant talk of 'love'....apparently I made him 'feel a passion he never thought he would feel again' (direct quote from one of his hundreds of emails)

 

And now I'm told, on here, that not only was that a load of **** (no kidding, like I hadn't already worked that one out) but now I am the one that his stupid GF is now blaming for the whole thing...

 

Must be nice to be a man, never have to take responsibility for your own actions, always palm it off on some 'woman...who, of course, can't possibly be as 'good' or as 'nice' as your wife...

 

Is that because the OW was stupid enough to bother with you in the first place, knowing that you were a cheater? Less wool to pull over her eyes? Less 'gaslighting' to be done?

 

 

Mittens

 

I was only giving MY perspective in MY affair. I'm saying what I would have felt and thought

 

Your guy may be a much nicer person than I was/am

 

If i was emailing someone to that degree and they were responding, then I would see that as a green light to go in for the kill, if you know what i mean

[mattym]

That's exactly like my situation he said those very same words, and to this day when he looks me in the eyes and kisses me passionately he tells me "I never knew love like this could exist"

 

So not all that is lies. A lot of guys do feel that, the fact that their lives become so complicated and they can't make a leap does not take away form what they feel. So don't be so quick to dismiss what your man told your in a moment of emotion.

 

May I ask how long your R has gone on? and what reasons there are for you not being together?

 

You know, during my A sometimes I wouldnt have to even think of reasons...my OW was so keen on justifying her emotions she'd think of reasons for me

[child_of_isis]

Okay, honest answer here Matty, no funnin'.

 

Are guys able to see a woman as anything other than sexual, maternal, domestic?...as in sex, wife/mother?

 

Are you able to see a woman as anything other than that?

 

Be truthful Matty, I'm counting on you.

 

I have to be careful not to generalize here...but YES!

 

Sex dominates our lives. Ever see a guy filling up his car ? why do we shake the nozzle before we put it back in?

 

Seriously though, it's only women who have this daft idea of 'we're destined to be together' etc etc

 

Go on any dating website or lonely heart ad - women want 'companionship, someone to share their life with'

men want ' good looking, for fun and maybe more'

 

I'm generalizing again I know, but this idea that there are men gathered in bars discussing their emotional needs and how to make their partner feel fulfilled is crap. They're more likely checking out the girl behind the bar

[White Flower]

Originally posted by Sarme>

I can share a lot of facts about my situation but at the end of the day they are so personal to my situation it's silly to think other people could apply my experience to their own.

 

I respectfully disagree. I can learn a whole lot from your experience! I know it won't be exactly like mine, but your story adds value to the whole picture. Please don't stop sharing!