Author mattym Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 Okay, honest answer here Matty, no funnin'. Are guys able to see a woman as anything other than sexual, maternal, domestic?...as in sex, wife/mother? Are you able to see a woman as anything other than that? Be truthful Matty, I'm counting on you. Oh dear, now I'm back at the therapists! Yes of course I can see women as individuals. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Originally posted by Child of Isis> BS becomes very aware that sex is more important to H than she is. Sometimes, yes, but I think most MM could just as easily masterbate. The thing is, they would rather have sex with someone they love, can hold afterward, and discuss how awesome it was. He would prefer to do that with his W if she were available, but that is not always the case unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Originally posted by MattyM> I've read that women feel insecure about themselves most of the time, regardless of how they look I KNEW, before I'd even started anything, that OW was looking for someone to show her affection. It was so obvious Is this why women fall for the same old excuses over & over as to why the guy won't leave his W? Could you please clarify this question? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattym Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 I guess I am no different from most other men, but it is easy for me to seperate LOVE with SEX Will I tell a woman I love that I want to have sex? Not necessarily Will I tell a woman I want to have sex with that I love her? Yes, if it makes the difference between getting it and not Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 No no no no...of course you see them as individuals. But can guys see women as being anything other than being an individual fulfilling one of those roles for them? Oh dear, now I'm back at the therapists! Yes of course I can see women as individuals. Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 So, you can love a woman, have sex with another, and it means nothing . If guys think like this, why do they get all crazy if wifey gets some new stuff here and there? I guess I am no different from most other men, but it is easy for me to seperate LOVE with SEX Will I tell a woman I love that I want to have sex? Not necessarily Will I tell a woman I want to have sex with that I love her? Yes, if it makes the difference between getting it and not Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattym Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 No no no no...of course you see them as individuals. But can guys see women as being anything other than being an individual fulfilling one of those roles for them? I hope I understand your question correctly, yes I can differentiate womens roles. for example my W may be a Mother but i still find her an attractive sexual partner Of course there are limits, I might like to see a woman dance sexily, but not if it were my Mother , for example! I miss my OW very much, but I know that it's a selfish 'me me me ' feeling - do I miss her for her stimulating intellectual chats about poetry? No, I miss the excitment, the illicit thrill, the secrecy, the sexual adventure. When it comes down to it though, the bonds men share with those that they love enough to have made such open commitments with will always, i think, outweigh any of the superficial stuff we have with affair partners The stats back me up I guess - 3% of A's have happy endings? Not a horse I'd back with my last few coins... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattym Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 So, you can love a woman, have sex with another, and it means nothing . If guys think like this, why do they get all crazy if wifey gets some new stuff here and there? Do you mean b 'stuff' if the wife has sex elsewhere? Thats because we 'love' them If the OW had had sex with another man behind my back I'd have been upset about it - a knock to the ego If it were my Wife, I'd have been devastated Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 If guys think like this, why do they get all crazy if wifey gets some new stuff here and there? Because he is breaking his marriage vows! When people get married, one of the things one is supposed to give up is sex with other people. That is why 'wifey' gets upset. It also goes for MW's who cheat. The "hubby's" get just as upset. Betrayal and cheating is upsetting. Link to post Share on other sites
Mittens Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 So, you can love a woman, have sex with another, and it means nothing . If guys think like this, why do they get all crazy if wifey gets some new stuff here and there? The first half of your post is what bothers me the most now...that, ultimately, I meant nothing to him. Regarding the second half...some men don't. My H didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 May I ask how long your R has gone on? and what reasons there are for you not being together? You know, during my A sometimes I wouldnt have to even think of reasons...my OW was so keen on justifying her emotions she'd think of reasons for me We are together. And he is officially divorced now. We have been in councelling to cope with the transition and to ensure we start off on the right foot dealing with all our insecurities and issues right up front and openly, we want no secrets. The truth hurts sometimes but it's better than candy coating things. Not sure I understood the second part of your question. Originally posted by Sarme> I can share a lot of facts about my situation but at the end of the day they are so personal to my situation it's silly to think other people could apply my experience to their own. I respectfully disagree. I can learn a whole lot from your experience! I know it won't be exactly like mine, but your story adds value to the whole picture. Please don't stop sharing! Well I am not sure what you would like to know but ask away White Flower.. I don't like to offer information unless I feel inspired to do so, I have grown quite accustomed to society's frown upon my situation especially here but I am happy and in love and things feel right today, isn't that what we all live for? Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Okay. I get it. I understand. Thanks. It explains a lot. Do you mean b 'stuff' if the wife has sex elsewhere? Thats because we 'love' them If the OW had had sex with another man behind my back I'd have been upset about it - a knock to the ego If it were my Wife, I'd have been devastated Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Because he is breaking his marriage vows! When people get married, one of the things one is supposed to give up is sex with other people. That is why 'wifey' gets upset. It also goes for MW's who cheat. The "hubby's" get just as upset. Betrayal and cheating is upsetting. Yeah but a lot of times "wifey" also breaks her marriage vows when she opts to stop loving her man in bed. Feeling no affection or sexual desire from your partner is also upsetting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattym Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 The first half of your post is what bothers me the most now...that, ultimately, I meant nothing to him. Regarding the second half...some men don't. My H didn't. Everybody's unique. The only way to know that for sure is to ask him. Course only a very brave man would say 'you meant nothing' - I'm sure you did, just not enough for him to leave his GF Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Feeling no affection or sexual desire from your partner is also upsetting. Yes, I get that, but cheating doesn't help, does it? It's no excuse or a justification to go screw someone else if one isn't getting it at home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattym Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 Yes, I get that, but cheating doesn't help, does it? It's no excuse or a justification to go screw someone else if one isn't getting it at home. I agree Of course, what i always forgot too, adn i was discussing this during this week, was that in my A I was a much nicer person to the OW than i was to my W I made an effort, showered her with affection. My wife I took for granted You get what you give I guess Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Yes, I get that, but cheating doesn't help, does it? It's no excuse or a justification to go screw someone else if one isn't getting it at home. It did in my situation it offered him a chance at love again. But then again he wasn't cheating for sex like Matty, we fell in love. Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 I wasn't talking about marriage, per se...more about love and sex. Men think it is no big deal having sex with others...until their partner does it. Then it is earth shattering. I needed to know why. That was my point. Because he is breaking his marriage vows! When people get married, one of the things one is supposed to give up is sex with other people. That is why 'wifey' gets upset. It also goes for MW's who cheat. The "hubby's" get just as upset. Betrayal and cheating is upsetting. Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Do you know why you took your wife for granted? I agree Of course, what i always forgot too, adn i was discussing this during this week, was that in my A I was a much nicer person to the OW than i was to my W I made an effort, showered her with affection. My wife I took for granted You get what you give I guess Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Men think it is no big deal having sex with others...until their partner does it. Then it is earth shattering. That is sooooooo true!!! Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 C'mon you guys! We have a man here who is speaking with us honestly. Pick his brain. Take the personal crap to another thread, It did in my situation it offered him a chance at love again. But then again he wasn't cheating for sex like Matty, we fell in love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattym Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 That is sooooooo true!!! Because we're wired differently I guess. It's genetic...spread our seed far and wide to keep our family line going. Its why we have the ability to Father children up until the day we die If a woman does it it endangers our breeding Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattym Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 Do you know why you took your wife for granted? I've thought about this a lot I can only really think that I just got used to her being there for me. I knew she wouldn't leave me, I 'had her' if that makes sense, so she was 'safe' - I dont mean that to sound arrogant, but I think sometimes as men we mentally 'tick off' the things we need in life : "Got the good job, now the car, need a girlfriend" etc - maybe we all want validation - why do so many people feel like failures if they havent met mr/mrs right by a certain age? Just my thoughts anyway Link to post Share on other sites
Mittens Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Everybody's unique. The only way to know that for sure is to ask him. Course only a very brave man would say 'you meant nothing' - I'm sure you did, just not enough for him to leave his GF Which makes him first, a liar...and second, a coward. And before anyone has a go at me, I left my first husband because I fell in love with another man...so I know what it is like to leave the 'comfort zone' [sIZE=5][COLOR=#ff00ff] [/COLOR][/sIZE] Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Oh man Matty. That is exactly what I wanted to know. The bold part. This is really good stuff. Thanks for being so honest. I've thought about this a lot I can only really think that I just got used to her being there for me. I knew she wouldn't leave me, I 'had her' if that makes sense, so she was 'safe' - I dont mean that to sound arrogant, but I think sometimes as men we mentally 'tick off' the things we need in life : "Got the good job, now the car, need a girlfriend" etc - maybe we all want validation - why do so many people feel like failures if they havent met mr/mrs right by a certain age? Just my thoughts anyway Link to post Share on other sites
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