My Wife found out about me

[sarme]

Self preservation

 

Its the same reason wayward men tell women we love them to get sex ( ever notice we say it a lot BEFORE the act, RIGHT AFTER the act, then again just as we're heading out the door?)

 

Its the same reason we think our boss is an idiot, but behave nicely toward them and laugh at their jokes.If i tell him what i think he might make an educated decision to fire me

 

Its the same reason we might think that gang of kids on the street corner are disruptive but we dont go up and tell them so. They might make an 'educated decision' to cave my head in!

 

I guess none of us live 100% in honesty all the time, there are varying degrees.

 

A BS will convince herself that it was all the OWs fault, she led her poor man to his fate- like a mermaid sitting on the rocks. It makes a bitter pill easier to swallow I guess, and both sexes are guilty of it IMO

 

 

Wow, simply incredible.

 

I think of how this thread started with this phoney "I'm a new man who used a the slag of the OW and has now seen the light and love my wife and never was going to leave her unless she kicks me out" To "I lie to my wife for perservation because she is just like my boss I think he his a fat useless prick but I would never tell him that because I never want my desk to be pulled away from me"

 

The more I read your claims Matty the more it helps to reassure that you so NOTHING like my b/f/ Nothing at all. you may be like some men, other lowly charactered men but you are not at all like all men, sorry.

 

 

 

When a man is given another chance by the fool of the BS it is only because he does not have the blls to move on, he still needs her and the security blanket, but the lies and disrespect will continue one way or another because he need to preserve himself!

 

you said yourself once a cheater always a cheater I am CERTAIN you will cheat on your wife again, not now, it's too risky, give a few years you will be at it again even harder.

 

I think of how this thread started and how it is turning out now and I can see exactly what I read through the original post. You are no more a man who saw the light anymore than I was never an OW, you will never see the light Matty, never.

 

Furthermore you don't love your wife or the OW you only care about yourself and your needs and you have no room in your selfish existence to love anyone else.

 

If I were you I would stop pretending to be somewhere you are not, you are completely transparent.

 

WEll at least you have the gall to admit you put down the OW infront of your W to get get her off your back, and that you still "love: the OW behind your wife's back. At least we know that you made the choice to stay with the woman you DO love for all the right reasons. WHAT A JOKE~

 

PS I have my guy so I have no anger lashing going on here, I just hate that one guy opens up for the masses and now every guy is supposed to be like him. Just WOW.

[Mittens]

 

FWIW, I found your honesty very refreshing yet I'm in the same boat as Mittens. I'm sure she just wants to bash you because she didn't have that chance with MM. Don't take it personally. (Sorry, Mittens). Your posts are helping me to see that my MM will never leave for me even though he may love me. So, sleep on it and come back, OK?

 

 

Yeah, I'm sure he enjoys having another woman hang on his every word and suck up to him.

 

Must be like old times, hey Matty?

[Meaplus3]

Sure, I'll answer anything you like. It's late here now and I've got to be up for work. Can't bed all these poor innocent women on no-sleep!

 

I'll try & stop by tomorrow. Have 15 virgins booked for 6.30 though , LOL

 

 

Since you will answer anything as you say here, I would like to know what was WRONG in your marriage that lead you to take on an OW? Also are you working on your marriage? if so, what step's are you taking to be sure you won't cheat on your wife again? Thank's.

 

AP:)

[twistedapart]

This is where I think the sexes differ - you say why cheat JUST for sex. For some of us, that's ALL that matters. It's the male pysche...risk and spreading our seed

 

Ask any man, there are women we'd have sex with...and women we want to settle with

 

I care about the OW, but I know my w when i met her would never have entertained going with a MM. In a man's mind, that makes her a better long-term bet

 

Hope I don't sound heartless, just trying to be honest

 

 

So you picked a woman that was inferior to ensure she wouldn't cheat? Or is she just a morally-natured person?

 

So you lump your wife into a category other than "women we'd have sex with". Are you not sexually attracted to your wife? Why cannot one find both traits in women? Or were you just tired of looking?

 

 

Does your wife know?

[twistedapart]

I agree 100% with what you say

 

Even now, I know I could have OW back.

 

All I have to do is leave my W and then tell her 'we can be together now'

 

I won't do it, because despite the pain of losing OW, my W & family are always No.1

 

I think some OW like W finding out, because MM comes to them...but from my limited experience I guess thats because he has nowhere to go now and cant lose face

 

It's much easier to push someone away when you know you can have them whenever you want!

Of course she'll take you back. You're more desirable for the mere fact that you are close to unattainable. I wouldn't get a big head over it.

[Impudent Oyster]

May I ask how long your R has gone on? and what reasons there are for you not being together?

 

You know, during my A sometimes I wouldnt have to even think of reasons...my OW was so keen on justifying her emotions she'd think of reasons for me

 

Do you mean like "He's such a great husband and father that he can't just desert his wife and kids", or "She'll take everything and never let him see the kids" Reasons like that?

[sarme]

Do you mean like "He's such a great husband and father that he can't just desert his wife and kids", or "She'll take everything and never let him see the kids" Reasons like that?

 

 

No I think he means more like "the OW pursued me and means nothing to me it's you the one I love and long for" but then he comes on LS and tells us what he is really feeling and how things truly went down.

 

I believe that's what he meant, that he still lies to his W right through his teeth because he doesn't want to lose her or hurt her feelings.

 

 

Basically what a lot of cheaters do that are accepted back by the BSs.

[Impudent Oyster]

with respect I disagree. Not all women are so self-confident to say ' right- out you go' and throw away the life they have built. I think some want to believe it can be overcome and so do all they can to keep the family together

 

And I disagree with you. I'm a wife who forgave, because either my husband is an outstanding liar or he really did feel nothing, worse than nothing, he claims he feels contempt for the OW now.

 

If I thought for one second that he loved her, him touching me would make my skin crawl. I'd never let him near me again and would divorce him in a NY minute, so don't think we'll do anything to keep a family together, that's a deal breaker. He could've f*cked her nine ways to Sunday, that's forgivable, but love? That would be IT, he'd be long gone.

[Impudent Oyster]

No I think he means more like "the OW pursued me and means nothing to me it's you the one I love and long for" but then he comes on LS and tells us what he is really feeling and how things truly went down.

 

I believe that's what he meant, that he still lies to his W right through his teeth because he doesn't want to lose her or hurt her feelings.

 

 

Basically what a lot of cheaters do that are accepted back by the BSs.

 

Matty's ego knows no bounds. I think he's looking for his next victim here.

[sarme]

And I disagree with you. I'm a wife who forgave, because either my husband is an outstanding liar or he really did feel nothing, worse than nothing, he claims he feels contempt for the OW now.

 

If I thought for one second that he loved her, him touching me would make my skin crawl. I'd never let him near me again and would divorce him in a NY minute, so don't think we'll do anything to keep a family together, that's a deal breaker. He could've f*cked her nine ways to Sunday, that's forgivable, but love? That would be IT, he'd be long gone.

 

 

But You wouldn't think that, it's what matty is saying these men become great actors and farsantes at home in order to keep the peace. you would never know otherwise according to what Matt tells us here....

[sarme]

Matty's ego knows no bounds. I think he's looking for his next victim here.

 

 

Well he makes the same posts in the infidelity forum so maybe he is just looking for another BS who can put up with his lies without a fight.

[Impudent Oyster]

No I think he means more like "the OW pursued me and means nothing to me it's you the one I love and long for" but then he comes on LS and tells us what he is really feeling and how things truly went down.

 

 

Actually, he said the OW was coming up with reasons why he couldn't leave his wife...he didn't even need to make them up, that's how much she wanted to believe in him.

[JMC]

Must be nice to be a man, never have to take responsibility for your own actions, always palm it off on some 'woman...who, of course, can't possibly be as 'good' or as 'nice' as your wife...

 

Is that because the OW was stupid enough to bother with you in the first place, knowing that you were a cheater? Less wool to pull over her eyes? Less 'gaslighting' to be done?

 

 

I'm so glad you wrote this Mittens....I am feeling this unfairness so strongly right now....full of rage and bitterness and crying....because look at my MM now. He's not suffering at all.

 

After promising me the moon and literally Mars, when he couldn't do it anymore, he dropped me, is back at home and everything's just peachy.

 

How can this be????? No wonder there's so many violently angry OW.

 

I know I'm naiive but I really believed that he loved me and planned to be with me.

 

Now he's back in his old saddle and not even suffering. He got his nice sex and BJ's. Everything's great for him. But not for me.

 

I just don't understand why everything seems so easy for guys. They get away with murder.

[Impudent Oyster]

But You wouldn't think that, it's what matty is saying these men become great actors and farsantes at home in order to keep the peace. you would never know otherwise according to what Matt tells us here....

 

I'm of the belief that if someone truly loves you, they will move heaven and earth to be with you. Getting a divorce is nothing compared to moving heaven and earth.

 

Men (and women) are selfish. They are with who they want to be with and they stay where they want to be. If they love their wives they don't divorce, if they love the OW they will divorce.

 

It's not rocket science.

[Curmudgeon]

Cakeman

Dr. Roger A. Rhoades

 

 

There is no telling how many men at any given time are cheating on their wives. To get an accurate reading would be almost impossible. You would have to ask men about something that they normally lie about and then expect them to tell the truth.

 

Probably the best way to get an accurate reading is to ask men how many of them feel they have been driven to an affair by their wives. I am sure men would be more than glad to own up to being a victim of circumstance and not having been the bad guy in the situation.

 

As long as men keep looking to blame someone or something for their infidelity, women will be lost on how to change their cheating ways.

 

It is hard to say how many men get into a marriage for all the wrong reasons.

 

They want to have someone to have their babies.

They want to fit in with other people in their social circle.

They want to have someone to be at home with them, now that they no longer live with their parents.

They want someone to take the place of their mothers and baby them.

No matter what the reason, some men do not get in a marriage to be faithful. These men see their wives as the next step on the ladder of adulthood. They have become unable or unwilling to keep up the pace of single life, but do not want to give up the thrill of the chase.

 

These men are what I call Cakemen.

 

 

Cakemen are men who want to have their cake and eat it too. These men do not leave their wives. These men stay with their wives and date someone else at the same time.

They like the fact that they can have someone stable at home, taking care of business, while they continue to play single guy with other women.

 

They have no real desire to leave their wives and move on to someone else, unless their activities are discovered.

 

If they are discovered, many of these Cakemen dump the girlfriend and stay with the wife, only to go back to cheating once the dust has settled.

 

In a man's way of thinking, staying with his wife makes all the sense in the world.

 

If he leaves his wife, then they will have to split up their possessions as well as their bills. In many times it takes a man several years to recover from this.

 

On the other hand, if he keeps the wife, he gets to keep his lifestyle going with only a minor glitch. The minor glitch is that he will have to act like he is real sorry, dump the old girlfriend, wait awhile, and then go back out and find a new girlfriend.

 

One of the major reasons men become Cakemen is because they do not want to grow up. It takes a mature adult to handle the day to day responsibilities of a monogamous relationship.

 

When a man has to see a women everyday and negotiate bills, affection, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and personal undesirable behavior, he longs for a simpler way of living. He wants to be a grown up, but somewhere in his soul he wants all the benefits and none of the responsibility.

 

Having a woman on the side allows him to play two different roles at the same time. In his mind the pressures of married life can be released by having a sexual relationship with someone else.

 

In his marriage he can play responsible man and co-decision maker, while in his affair, he can call all the shots and be the lord of the relationship.

 

The second major reason a man becomes a Cakeman is to keep the feeling of being a player.

 

When a man gets married, many times he sees himself as being caught or conquered. It is now time for him to go out to pasture and be used as a stud service.

 

In his eyes, he is slowly, but surely becoming his dad. His days of being a major competitor are over. It is easy to see how this type of thinking would make a man feel old before his time.

 

One of the easiest and most available ways to feel young and in the game is to get into an affair. Now he is desirable. Now he is a man's man.

 

He is now feeling young and, even though his conscience might be bothering him, the thrill of being a player certainly outweighs those negative thoughts.

 

The final reason that men cheat on their wives, but don't leave them, is that it is a safety net.

 

Very few men get excited about a full blown gamble. They want to believe that they at least have a 50/50 chance of winning. If there is any way to stack the cards in their favor, they are going to do it.

 

This is the thinking behind having a wife and a girlfriend. If for some reason a man's wife is unwilling to be affectionate when and how he wants, then he has his girlfriend to take up the slack.

 

If a man wants to be the center of attention and the mister know-it-all, but his wife deflates his ego, then he can go to his girlfriend for a good dose of hero worshipping.

 

It is not just the wife who gets the short end of the stick, the girlfriend also suffers. At some time, most girlfriends who have heard a man say he hates his wife will entertain the subject of divorce or even marriage.

 

When a Cakeman is confronted with this issue, he is able to make excuses and fall back into a dilemma of commitment or what is the "right" thing to do. This position successfully keeps the girlfriend at bay for fear that she might lose him.

 

The sad part of all this behavior is that seldom if ever does everyone come out on top. Usually one or more people suffer deep, long lasting wounds from this type of situation.

 

Some women are unable or unwilling to trust another man after being with a Cakeman.

 

These men also suffer from this type of behavior. They never really grow up and take their place in a responsible society. They fill their lives with lies and deceit, which in the long run affect their coping skills and their performance on a job.

 

Women are putting their lives on hold in hopes that their Cakeman will finally leave their wife and make them the center of their lives.

 

Finally, if children are involved, the destruction is unbelievable. Counseling offices are filled with children who either caught their father with another woman or had to live in a family where lying was the major form of communication.

 

The best advise is to play your life honestly. If a relationship is over, then bury it. If you are in a marriage and have met someone else, think before you act.

 

The emotional stability you save might be your own!

 

© Copyright 1999, Dr. Roger A. Rhoades

[OpenBook]

Matty I hope you'll come back and continue to post your insights. Some of this information is painful for us to read. But what a rare opportunity to get some clarification!

 

I'd be especially interested in knowing more about what you mean by "craving excitement and fulfillment" (the reason why you went outside your M to find it). Are you talking about sex? If so, what would have happened if your W decided to start spicing things up in the bedroom... put a real effort into enticing you and fulfilling your needs sexually? Would you still have strayed?

 

And do you think you really fell in love with the OW? Is this the loss you're feeling now?

 

I have a strong hunch that if your W developed that one aspect of the OW's personality - the elusive part that always kept you a little off-balance and on your toes - you wouldn't ever cheat on her. She has just made things a little too "easy" for you, in an emotional sense... and you're bored with that.

 

Is it true that men generally want what they can't have?

 

I appreciate you sharing your story.

[sarme]

I'm of the belief that if someone truly loves you, they will move heaven and earth to be with you. Getting a divorce is nothing compared to moving heaven and earth.

 

Men (and women) are selfish. They are with who they want to be with and they stay where they want to be. If they love their wives they don't divorce, if they love the OW they will divorce.

 

It's not rocket science.

 

 

I agree that's what my b/f did and we are now in our own relationship.

I also know that he went back to his ex a few times and pretended like everything was going to be ok to spare her from more pain, but eventually his pain was greater and so he cut out for good and could no longer do it.

 

But I also believe in a loving relationship there is 0 tolerance for infidelity.

[Impudent Oyster]

I agree that's what my b/f did and we are now in our own relationship.

I also know that he went back to his ex a few times and pretended like everything was going to be ok to spare her from more pain, but eventually his pain was greater and so he cut out for good and could no longer do it.

 

But I also believe in a loving relationship there is 0 tolerance for infidelity.

 

Good luck, because in marriage you won't get far with a zero tolerance attitude. Marriage requires compromise, and your BF has already shown that he's capable of being unfaithful.

 

I'm sure he was head over heels in love with his wife when he married her. If he wasn't he's a fool.

[noforgiveness]

I agree that's what my b/f did and we are now in our own relationship.

I also know that he went back to his ex a few times and pretended like everything was going to be ok to spare her from more pain, but eventually his pain was greater and so he cut out for good and could no longer do it.

 

But I also believe in a loving relationship there is 0 tolerance for infidelity.

 

So what did you consider it when he was commited to you and kept running back to his wife? That was ok. He was cheating on your relationship sleeping with her?

[sarme]

Good luck, because in marriage you won't get far with a zero tolerance attitude. Marriage requires compromise, and your BF has already shown that he's capable of being unfaithful.

 

I'm sure he was head over heels in love with his wife when he married her. If he wasn't he's a fool.

 

NO a marriage that needs to recover from infidelity does a normal marriage requires 0 tolerance for infidelity. If we all went into it with the idea that we have to forgive no matter what why would anyone even obey a stupid rule like monogamy?

 

You're right I won't make it to the corner as a BS, I never ever want that life for me. I REFUSE to ever be a BS. So 0 tolerance for me there is no turning back once that happens.

 

He wasn't. Never fell in love with her, loved her like a friend but never with intesity or passion they were just too opposite, they drifted into marriage, not the very admirable, beleive me I know, but he was a lot younger and made foolish mistakes as people do when they are immature and have less life experience.

[sarme]

So what did you consider it when he was commited to you and kept running back to his wife? That was ok. He was cheating on your relationship sleeping with her?

 

 

Trust me they were not sleeping together at all. He would go back and they lived under the same house like roommates fighting constantly and living in seperate quarters. There was no sex even when I first met him there hadn't been sex for a long time prior to us meeting.

[noforgiveness]

Trust me they were not sleeping together at all. He would go back and they lived under the same house like roommates fighting constantly and living in seperate quarters. There was no sex even when I first met him there hadn't been sex for a long time prior to us meeting.

 

How do you think he wormed his way back in? honestly I'm not being mean but he had to have done some smooth moves to slither back in to her after leaving for you.

[sarme]

How do you think he wormed his way back in? honestly I'm not being mean but he had to have done some smooth moves to slither back in to her after leaving for you.

 

 

No that's fine your questions are fair. There was no slithering back she wanted him back because she had no idea we were together so she just wanted him back to work things out but he was confused and guilt ridden but determined not to reconcile.

 

At the end of the day even if he did, which I am certain he didn't, they were married I knew what I was getting myself into and it was a chance I had to take. I put my trust in him and it panned out for me but I guess I got lucky. It really is a huge risk.

[Triarge]

Ok.. in the interest of 'honesty' I will give my side here too.

 

I like Mattym am a MM who strayed for an OW. My story is very similar so I wont give details here (you can check my other post in the Infidelity Forums).

 

I think that the 'needs' that the OW provided me we're different from Mattym. Yes there was sex, and I dont recall turning it down, but my need was more of a companionship nature.

 

We were good friends to begin with. I had an emotional connection long before sex. We talked, we laughed, we had affection in abundance. All these things had been neglected in my M for a long time. That was my lacking need.

 

After D-day when we got back together we hardly ever had sex. I couldnt do it through guilt and fear of my wife finding out. I still craved seeing her though. I needed her company even if it was mainly platonic. She was still meeting my need even though the sex had stopped. The affair was still 'on'.

 

Now I know that most affairs start through the man not receiving his primary need. In most cases that is and will be sex. It wasnt for me. I was getting that at home with my wife even when the A was at its peak. It was better in most cases too believe that or not - my wife is no slouch in the bedroom.

 

Before the A I had a hole in my life that was nagging at me constantly. I have since realise that it was down to the closed connection with my wife. We had become roomates in a life full of children and everyday chores. Our quality time together was almost zero. I had a wife but I was missing a companion. Then I found one with the OW.

 

My need isnt any more noble than Mattym's; its just different. My searching for it outside the M isnt any less wrong; its equally as bad.

[OpenBook]

Before the A I had a hole in my life that was nagging at me constantly. I have since realise that it was down to the closed connection with my wife. We had become roomates in a life full of children and everyday chores. Our quality time together was almost zero. I had a wife but I was missing a companion. Then I found one with the OW.

 

My need isnt any more noble than Mattym's; its just different. My searching for it outside the M isnt any less wrong; its equally as bad.

 

Triarge, would you have strayed even if your companionship needs WERE being met by your W?

 

And do you think it is even POSSIBLE for a M couple to recreate that excited desire to spend time with each other laughing/talking/sharing, after so many years together and such familarity with each other?

 

There are many angry BS's on here - especially the ones who feel it is their place to administer the proverbial 2x4 in the OM/OW forum - who often claim that they were innocent victims of the infidelity, they never neglected their H's needs... but their H's strayed anyway.

 

Their stories don't jibe with yours, Matty's, Scrivdog's, White Flower's, and other WS's on here who say their spouses WERE neglecting their needs.

 

And I'm wondering why.

 

I get that a man's primary need is sex. What I'm not sure about is whether it is actually STRANGE sex that he really craves... meaning, sex from a new and unexplored source - no matter how skilled his W is in the bedroom.

 

Or in your case, strange (unexplored) companionship. The new and exciting romantic partner.

 

No matter how much your W tries, there is no way she could ever compete with that... because of the simple fact that the OW is unfamiliar to you. And that doesn't seem fair to me.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm just trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip:D:D trying to understand all of this.

 

In any case, I really appreciate yours and Matty's insights. It is extremely valuable to me. I hope you and other MM's will continue to post.