My Wife found out about me

[sarme]

Sweetheart, I've been happily married for over 20 years, together almost 30 and my husband had one short, quite meaningless affair, so yes, I guess I am cut out for marriage. We plan on being married for another 50 years at least.

 

You take the time when there is time, sometimes you just have to be patient and wait for a lull.

 

While I appreciate your sage marital advice, I think we've got it covered, but thanks all the same.

 

 

Sure sure you have.

It totally shows by the tone in your posts, that you are happily coasting long in your perfect life. It totally shows. :laugh:

[Impudent Oyster]

Sarme, Have you ever been married? How long did it last?

 

I like to know the background of those dispensing marital advice, so please answer, 'kay? Thank you.

[Impudent Oyster]

You're amazing. So married couples are the only ones who have all of those problems you listed? What planet are you from? There are women who raise children on their own who have the same problems/responsibilities. So, what's your point?

 

You don't share those problems WITH your MM...it's all fun and games. None of that gritty reality to taint the romance.

 

Don't tell me you spend your precious time together discussing who forgot to call the plumber or how you're going to get the addition finished by Christmas or whether you paid the cable bill?

[JamesM]

Trust me they were not sleeping together at all. He would go back and they lived under the same house like roommates fighting constantly and living in seperate quarters. There was no sex even when I first met him there hadn't been sex for a long time prior to us meeting.

 

 

I always find this amusing when I read it...no matter who posts it.

 

So, on one hand sex is not a need for men or a neccesity for marriage...yet when a man does not have sex in his marriage, his OW thinks that this means it is okay for him to cheat? Is sex the main measurement for a good marriage? Without sex, there is no longer a commitment to the other person?

 

So, your MM wants you mainly for sex?

 

Do you have proof that there was not any sex? Did SHE tell you...or perhaps your MM told you? Has it not been established already that he is very capable of lying?

 

And Sarme, this is to all OWs.

 

The wife gets the good, the bad and the ugly, meanwhile the OW gets the good. That's not REAL LIFE. There's no inlaws, life's problems thrown into the mix, let alone kids, pets, house, money, job stress, dealing with other family etc... AND that is another reason why most MM and MW will not leave their spouses, fear of the unknown because the A is based on fantasy feelings, even if the love is there, it probably isn't enough to make the MM/MW end their marriage.

 

Well said, WWIU.

 

As for the BS being completely innocent, I am against that idea. Being in a marriage that is lacking in the sex area..admittedly by my wife and myself, I can certainly say that if either of us had an affair, then there is reasons to blame the other. And I know my wife would immediately be on the defense outwardly if I chose an affair, but inwardly she would know very well that I had done everything I could to fix our problems.

 

No, I have no plans for an affair, and I am doing everything to avoid the possibility. But for any BS to say that they had no clue he felt that way, or they are completely innocent...well, this avoids the fact that all marriages consist of two people. When an affair happens, it is because one person is not getting his or her needs fulfilled. While this is definitely a selfish choice by the cheater, it is also quite commonly a desperate reaction to many selfish choices made by the BS prior to the affair. Good marriages don't usually have affairs. Open communication and great friendships with honest commitment can overcome many marital problems. And I say that from experience.

[Impudent Oyster]

And, if being married means you don't have time to make the M work, then the H shouldn't have time to cheat and if he does, you shouldn't be here trashing OW day after day either. You should be sending them a check when you mail off payments for car insurance.

 

Who said anything about a marriage not working? Our marriage works just fine, stop projecting what your MM obviously told you about his marriage. Did he tell you it didn't work? I bet he did.

 

Don't blame me if you didn't realize it was a line.

[Virgo1982]

Well there is no reason you should not make time for it. For goodness sake I see the amount of time you spend on LS for example half that time could be spent playing catch up with your husband about his feelings and why you have not had sex in 5 days etc. Of course he has to want to too, if he doesn't not sure what you are doing with a man who chooses to stay so emotionally detached from you!?!

 

EXCUSES all EXCUSES. And then a BS cries crocodile tears because she/he can't believe the spouse did that to them when they look for comfort somwhere else. Remarkable the excuses people will come with to justify their laziness.

 

I get along with many BS here and respect and appreciate their point of view. However, this one justs refuses to accept reality. BS and WS have both agreed that they should have took matters into their own hands before an affair started. It only makes sense. Let's use logic here-if you're capable. One of three possibilities for you Impudent Oyster (who will never give up her M)

 

1. Make time and make an effort to make M work.

2. Be BS again.

3. You and H accept misery.

 

Which of the three is most appealing?

Which of the three is most likely if neither of you are willing to leave or work on the M?

Which one is least likely to happen?

 

My answers:

 

Which of the three is most appealing?

#1

Which of the three is most likely if neither of you are willing to leave or work on the M?

#2

Which one is least likely to happen?

#3

 

See, how I answered those questions like I'm a genious or something and I've never been married. When I do, my mind is open from learning so much here, that it would probably work. You know why? Because before I got married, I had a chance to read the manual. I've got the answers;)

[sarme]

Sarme, Have you ever been married? How long did it last?

 

I like to know the background of those dispensing marital advice, so please answer, 'kay? Thank you.

 

 

 

Have you ever been in an affair? because you carry on in this forum as if you had a single clue about being in an affair and the same could be asked of you unless you have had an affair you really have no business at all telling other people what is right and wrong for them.

 

Or do you tend to use your "common sense" when offering your "advice"?

[Impudent Oyster]

 

1. Make time and make an effort to make M work.

2. Be BS again.

3. You and H accept misery.

 

 

LMAO! Wait until I tell my husband we're miserable, won't he be surprised! Too funny. Just too, too funny!

 

People wish their marriages were as bad as ours...seriously, I'm lol now...

[justice]

Matt;

How is your wife reacting to all of this? Genuinely curious here, I know how I felt when I was trying to work things out with my H after his dday.

I couldn't fix it and I'm wondering if your w is going through the same feelings as I did? I just couldn't trust him and it wasn't going to work. I applaud your honesty. Were you brually honest with your wife when she asked questions? My H wasn't and I think that is what kept me from trusting again. Or learning to anyway. I wish you the best.

[Virgo1982]

Who said anything about a marriage not working? Our marriage works just fine, stop projecting what your MM obviously told you about his marriage. Did he tell you it didn't work? I bet he did.

 

Don't blame me if you didn't realize it was a line.

 

No, I'm not with a MM anymore. Also, that was my first point, which you chose to add a response. I started off saying it was crazy that him and his W didn't work on the M before the affair. Why? Because he said problems in the M contributed to the affair. You then mentioned bills and dr's appointments, etc. which was very lame to me. So, I responded to your lame excuse.

 

What did happen in your M, Impudent? Are you a BS? I don't know anything about your story and I completed my book a while ago-Why project anything on you? IOW, this wasn't about me or you, but you made it that way. So, what's your story?

[Impudent Oyster]

Have you ever been in an affair? because you carry on in this forum as if you had a single clue about being in an affair and the same could be asked of you unless you have had an affair you really have no business at all telling other people what is right and wrong for them.

 

Or do you tend to use your "common sense" when offering your "advice"?

 

Just as I thought, never been married, probably never been in a real long term relationship yet giving MARITAL advice.

 

That makes as much sense as non-parents giving parental advice, and equally as annoying.

 

You're an amateur Sarme, you have no right to give advice on having a strong marriage.

 

I've never had an affair but I was involved in one, and my stake in it was far greater than yours ever was, so save your counsel for the OW who think they can learn something from you, you have less than nothing to offer me, just as the OW had less than nothing to offer my H. Poor thing is still chasing after MM.

[Impudent Oyster]

No, I'm not with a MM anymore. Also, that was my first point, which you chose to add a response. I started off saying it was crazy that him and his W didn't work on the M before the affair. Why? Because he said problems in the M contributed to the affair. You then mentioned bills and dr's appointments, etc. which was very lame to me. So, I responded to your lame excuse.

 

What did happen in your M, Impudent? Are you a BS? I don't know anything about your story and I completed my book a while ago-Why project anything on you? IOW, this wasn't about me or you, but you made it that way. So, what's your story?

 

My story is in my posts, if you're interested click on them, I don't have the time or inclination to repeat it.

[Virgo1982]

LMAO! Wait until I tell my husband we're miserable, won't he be surprised! Too funny. Just too, too funny!

 

People wish their marriages were as bad as ours...seriously, I'm lol now...

 

I don't know what's wrong with you.

 

I'm not saying you're miserable now.

 

What I'm saying is if two people don't work for the M, they will be miserable, eventually.

 

Why is that so hard for you to grasp?

 

Do you think people just get married and then operate on auto-pilot?

 

If so, we can end this conversation right now. It would be a waste of my time.

[sarme]

I always find this amusing when I read it...no matter who posts it.

 

So, on one hand sex is not a need for men or a neccesity for marriage...yet when a man does not have sex in his marriage, his OW thinks that this means it is okay for him to cheat? Is sex the main measurement for a good marriage? Without sex, there is no longer a commitment to the other person?

 

So, your MM wants you mainly for sex?

 

Do you have proof that there was not any sex? Did SHE tell you...or perhaps your MM told you? Has it not been established already that he is very capable of lying?

 

And Sarme, this is to all OWs.

 

what are you even going on about!?!?

 

First of all, where did I say that it's ok for a man to cheat when there is no sex?

 

The reason he left his wife and divorced is because they were both miserable in their marriage, she was not getting at all what she needed from him and neither was he from her. They drifed apart emotionally and neither one put any effort in trying to do things otherwise and naturally the lack of sex followed. It had nothing to do with me at all. They were not having sex because they were having severe problems in their marriage they lived under the same roof as strangers. Would you have sex with a roomate you hardly ever saw who neglected you emtionally?

Well you might, but most people who have any sort capacitly for emotion wouldnt.

 

Sex was such a minor part of their issues it was just a product of the big problem that they were having which was general lack of devotion emotionally, mentally and affectionaly. Of course there wont be any sex in that environment they grew to dislike one another to a point they resent each other and spent more time away from each other than together.

When he and I met their relationship was severely past the point of recovery, at least for him it was which is why his heart was open to me.

 

I think you just felt like getting that rant off your chest, and that's great for you but what it has to do with my situation or what I wrote is really beyond me!?!?

[Impudent Oyster]

Uh..No, obviously something is getting lost in translation.

 

You gave me 3 choices and NONE of those apply.

 

How about choice 4

 

4. Continue to appreciate each other and do what's worked for the last almost 30 years and we'll be happy for another 30 (actually more I hope) years.

 

I don't understand why all the OW here REFUSE to believe that a marriage can survive, even thrive after infidelity without both partners being miserable. Is it denial? Is it too painful to even think about? I don't get it?

[Virgo1982]

You don't share those problems WITH your MM...it's all fun and games. None of that gritty reality to taint the romance.

 

Don't tell me you spend your precious time together discussing who forgot to call the plumber or how you're going to get the addition finished by Christmas or whether you paid the cable bill?

 

I don't have a MM. I guess you have to hear logical responses from someone who has M experience or more M experience than you. Oh wait, you don't acknowledge their opinions either.

[Virgo1982]

My story is in my posts, if you're interested click on them, I don't have the time or inclination to repeat it.

 

So you can ask questions but you do not wish to answer them?

 

You did ask another poster her background, right?

[Virgo1982]

Sarme, Have you ever been married? How long did it last?

 

I like to know the background of those dispensing marital advice, so please answer, 'kay? Thank you.

 

Yup, you did.

 

Your H is sooooooo lucky.

 

Ask him if he's lucky when he gets home.:D

[Impudent Oyster]

It's a long story and I just posted it yesterday. I asked a yes or no question, not for someone's life story.

 

I'm married over 20 years, we have 2 kids, we've always had a great marriage, sex, communication, great, he had a brief affair 3 years ago with a friend of mine (divorced mom I introduced him to), he broke it off, she spilled the beans and caused d-day, we've reconciled and 3 years later our marriage is better than ever, IMO, but not without a lot of agony and therapy.

 

Maybe I should thank her?

[sarme]

I always find this amusing when I read it...no matter who posts it.

 

So, on one hand sex is not a need for men or a neccesity for marriage...yet when a man does not have sex in his marriage, his OW thinks that this means it is okay for him to cheat? Is sex the main measurement for a good marriage? Without sex, there is no longer a commitment to the other person?

 

So, your MM wants you mainly for sex?

 

Do you have proof that there was not any sex? Did SHE tell you...or perhaps your MM told you? Has it not been established already that he is very capable of lying?

 

 

.

 

 

what the heck are you even going on about!?!?

 

 

My b/f's marriage was not working on every level they were estranged frienemies living under the same roof who saw each other in passing a few times a week. Of course there is going to be no sex in that type of atmosphere. They emotionally deprived one another and also deprived each other of affection and respect. Neither one wanted to meet the other half way and the wedge became deeper between them of course sex is going out the window, lack of sex was the LEAST of their problems.

 

If you could just stop thinking like a typical man and stop with the typical sex comments and expand your thoughts to understand that relationships are much more than sex and sex is a byproduct of bigger factors whether it be in a postive light or negative one, maybe you could give the topic and people a rest for a while and understand that people fall in love with other people for many different reasons.

 

Sex can be a celebration of love just as much as it can be the alarm for deeper more substancial problems in the relationship.

 

Whether a couple is having sex or not is irrelevant what the bigger issue is what is the true state of that relationship. In my case my b/f's marriage was in a critical state and feelings were lost and it is very hard to work towards saving something when the feelings are gone.

 

I only answered the sex question because someone asked me how could be sure he was not cheating on me with his wife with sex, I know this because emotionally he was faithful to me the sex thing was irrelevant.

[Virgo1982]

No, I have no plans for an affair, and I am doing everything to avoid the possibility. But for any BS to say that they had no clue he felt that way, or they are completely innocent...well, this avoids the fact that all marriages consist of two people. When an affair happens, it is because one person is not getting his or her needs fulfilled. While this is definitely a selfish choice by the cheater, it is also quite commonly a desperate reaction to many selfish choices made by the BS prior to the affair. Good marriages don't usually have affairs. Open communication and great friendships with honest commitment can overcome many marital problems. And I say that from experience.

 

That's my only point JamesM. I don't want anybody's H. I'm just taking my experiences and the experiences of others to create systematic reference in my mind. For example, if something comes up in my future M, I'm able to tackle it because I've listened to SOME loveshackers who have demonstrated understanding of situations they've been in. Also, others can better assess the situation looking in because they're feelings are not involved. They might introduce an idea you've never considered. Then, the picture starts making sense.

 

Whenever someone says something that doesn't agree with the lies certain individuals tell themselves, things get ugly. I don't think all BS's are blind-sided. I don't think all of them were not blind-sided. Can anyone find something wrong with that statement because I am an xOW? No, but some of you would like to.

 

Good post James!

[Virgo1982]

What did happen in your M, Impudent? Are you a BS? I don't know anything about your story and I completed my book a while ago-Why project anything on you? IOW, this wasn't about me or you, but you made it that way. So, what's your story?

 

Ok, so one of the questions was "what's your story." My apologies, but the others weren't. What did happen in your M? Are you a BS? Those are simple enough.

 

Let's see...

 

I'm not a BS. I am a BS. He said he cheated because...He said it was totally his fault and there were no excuses...

[Impudent Oyster]

Yup, you did.

 

Your H is sooooooo lucky.

 

Ask him if he's lucky when he gets home.:D

 

How did you know? He is lucky, he says so all the time!

[Impudent Oyster]

Ok, so one of the questions was "what's your story." My apologies, but the others weren't. What did happen in your M? Are you a BS? Those are simple enough.

 

Let's see...

 

I'm not a BS. I am a BS. He said he cheated because...He said it was totally his fault and there were no excuses...

 

I believe I answered you. BTW, how about that book you wrote, was it published?

[sarme]

Just as I thought, never been married, probably never been in a real long term relationship yet giving MARITAL advice.

 

That makes as much sense as non-parents giving parental advice, and equally as annoying.

 

You're an amateur Sarme, you have no right to give advice on having a strong marriage.

 

I've never had an affair but I was involved in one, and my stake in it was far greater than yours ever was, so save your counsel for the OW who think they can learn something from you, you have less than nothing to offer me, just as the OW had less than nothing to offer my H. Poor thing is still chasing after MM.

 

 

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

 

I was never married. I have plenty of relationship experience. You know what's wrong with your picture, what is REALLY wrong with it, you think that the only way a person can have personal value is if they were certified on paper that they were deemed worthy of marriage. Like marriage was some certificate to human perfection and wisdom. If you REALLY knew anything about marriage and how to keep a man happy your husband would not have cheated on you it is that simple.

 

My parents have been togeter for 45 yrs and there was never any affair, sure they had problems like every couple but they made it work. They are in love today and great friends and never was there any room for another person in their marriage because throuhg thick and thin they respected their vows AND each other. I would soon take advice from my parents on marriage over you.

 

You can say things here all you want but the bottom line is you did not measure up as a wife and partner to your spouse, you may have been a great mom and houeskeep but you did not measure up as a woman to your man. You negelcted what you had and your spouse found someone else who payed the attention he much needed from you.

so do you really feel you have more to offer regarding advice on marriage?

seriously now!

 

 

Lastly, have you ever eaten pooh? when your baby tries to eat pooh you have no right to tell him not to because you have never done that and therefor you have aboslutely no right to give advice on something you have never done. Ridiculous!