My Wife found out about me

[Impudent Oyster]

It's a long story and I just posted it yesterday. I asked a yes or no question, not for someone's life story.

 

I'm married over 20 years, we have 2 kids, we've always had a great marriage, sex, communication, great, he had a brief affair 3 years ago with a friend of mine (divorced mom I introduced him to), he broke it off, she spilled the beans and caused d-day, we've reconciled and 3 years later our marriage is better than ever, IMO, but not without a lot of agony and therapy.

 

Maybe I should thank her?

 

Just in case you missed it Virgo.

[Impudent Oyster]

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

 

 

My parents have been togeter for 45 yrs and there was never any affair, sure they had problems like every couple but they made it work.

 

That you KNOW of....I would never have known my husband screwed around with this woman if SHE hadn't initiated a d-day and ratted him out.

 

Oh and my kids will say the same thing, because they don't know about the affair. They'll say their parents were together for decades and never had an affair.

 

See how that works?

[american-woman]

I don't usually post in here, but LS has really helped me in my situation, so I thought this may help any OW out there, who may be wondering when everything's going to 'come right' and you & MM will be together

 

Feel free to ignore what I have to say, it is only my opinion after all..

 

I am now a 'recovering' cheating MM. I cheated on my wife for the best part of this year with another woman

 

I told her I loved her. I genuinely believe she was in love with me

 

I told her I was unhappy with my Wife and it was children/finances/workload/family pressures prevented me from leaving 'just yet'

(not so unhappy that I couldn't make love to OW any chance I got, and spend money on her of course)

 

She talked about us getting married, having kids, our own home, everyone knowing , all of it being out in the open

 

I went along with all of it, and I was LYING throughout

 

I've worked with guys over the years who've cheated ( some habitually) and in my experience we all LIE all the time to OW to get we want - namely sex, being made to feel great, ego strokes and generally feeling 'young & single' again. I've known a couple who DID leave for the OW - they cheated on them too. It makes us feel any woman desires us you see...

 

I've posted elsewhere tonight saying that if you are an OW and any of that sounds familiar then just take care of yourselves. It isn't nice but your man COULD be using you for what he can get

 

I don't say this to be cruel, but we are getting comfort and security at home, and excitement with the OW. We'll say anything to maintain that as long as possible

 

You think your MM is different? Try cutting out the sex for 3 months, or give him 4 weeks to make a decision to come & be with you

If he's still there after that, congratulations. You have a winner

 

I don't mean to upset anyone but when he tells you that you are his soulmate, just check who he's spending Christmas with.

I lied till i could not remember what I'd said anymore, and I hurt 2 people who cared about me for my own selfish ends.

I am not proud of how I behaved, and I am paying the price now, but Perhaps reading this if you are an OW you can avoid being the victim of this from a man such as me

 

regards

 

Matt

 

 

 

Right out of the horses mouth! I commend you Matt. And what have you learned so you don`t do this anymore?

[Impudent Oyster]

You can say things here all you want but the bottom line is you did not measure up as a wife and partner to your spouse, you may have been a great mom and houeskeep but you did not measure up as a woman to your man.

 

Oooohhh now that hurts....when my husband is telling me that I'm the best wife on the planet and how he's the luckiest guy on earth to have me, I'll remember that.

 

You hurt my feelings.

[luvmy2ns]

I find it interesting that some OW are thanking the OP for his perspective, while others are literally foaming at the mouth over the fact that he even told his story in so honest a manner. I think that speaks volumes about how each feels about their MM.

[sarme]

That you KNOW of....I would never have known my husband screwed around with this woman if SHE hadn't initiated a d-day and ratted him out.

 

Oh and my kids will say the same thing, because they don't know about the affair. They'll say their parents were together for decades and never had an affair.

 

See how that works?

 

 

Bullsht my mother and I speak VERY openly about sex about our relationships about everything she would tell me something like that I know intimate details about my parents we are friends as well as mother and daughter.

 

It may be the dirty secret in your family but it sure is not in mine. My mother would not put up with that, she is a very strong woman and my father would have been out on his butt if he cheated on her, you have no clue what you are talking about. not all women are whimpy and willing to overlook huge flaws in their marriages in order to stay tied down to a man.

My mother is just too open to keep something like that hidden I always knew when there were problems between my parents they were not the type to fight behind their closed doors they were very vocal.

Also, my mother left my father when I was a teenager my younger brother was a baby still, and she took us and moved us all into our grandparents house for a few months because he was verbally abusive to her at times and they were going though financial problems, even then I knew exactly what they faught about and what was happening in their relationship. My dad is just not the type to have an affair. He loves my mother too much and has made significant changes in his attitude over the years to make her happy, and she can be quite difficult at times.

[JamesM]

what are you even going on about!?!?

 

First of all, where did I say that it's ok for a man to cheat when there is no sex?

 

 

From what I read...and I certainly may be wrong, it appeared that since his marriage had no sex, then somehow this is a great indicator that it was over and a good rationale for an affair.

 

The reason he left his wife and divorced is because they were both miserable in their marriage, she was not getting at all what she needed from him and neither was he from her.

 

So he was divorced before he began dating you? My apologies...I misread what you stated. I thought you had an affair with him prior to divorce.

 

Would you have sex with a roomate you hardly ever saw who neglected you emtionally?

Well you might, but most people who have any sort capacitly for emotion wouldnt.

 

No, I would not have sex with a roommate nor would I have sex with a mistress. I would do everything in my power to find out why I am not having good sex with...my wife. No matter how I want to describe my relationship to another woman...no matter how I want to show how poorly I have been mistreated...and no matter how I want to make it seem that I am the innocent party, the fact remains...I made a vow to her and she to me. Until we have formally disavowed our commitment to each other, we are much more than roommates. This is called commitment. Read my story...I think it will be clear to you where I am coming from.

 

And if you have read any of my past posts, I think you may see that sex without an emotional connection is not for me. If I don't appear to have a capacity for emotion in your POV, then I hope when you read my past posts, you will get a good idea why I do have some empathy for MM who cheat...yet I also cannot excuse their behavior.

 

When he and I met their relationship was severely past the point of recovery, at least for him it was which is why his heart was open to me.

 

So he had already left his wife and was divorced? She approved of his dating you? Again, I am sorry, I thought he had cheated on his wife.

 

I think you just felt like getting that rant off your chest, and that's great for you but what it has to do with my situation or what I wrote is really beyond me!?!?

 

Thanks for letting me get the rant off my chest. But it was in response to your comments that to me seemed that if his sex life was shattered, then he had grounds for an affair. But I think what you said is that since his marriage was in ruins, then it was okay that he an affair while he was still married to his wife.

 

Either way, I apologize for hitting a nerve. It was just an opinion. As a man who has struggled with a low sex marriage while still having no desire to have an affair, I may have some concern for men who use this as an excuse for rationalizing an affair. I should...as undoubtedly you do...refrain from letting my experiences color my comments.

[sarme]

Right out of the horses mouth! I commend you Matt. And what have you learned so you don`t do this anymore?

 

 

He's learned to keep lying to his wife because what she does not know won't hurt her and that he probably will cheat again because once a cheater always a cheater according to him....

[Virgo1982]

It's a long story and I just posted it yesterday. I asked a yes or no question, not for someone's life story.

 

I'm married over 20 years, we have 2 kids, we've always had a great marriage, sex, communication, great, he had a brief affair 3 years ago with a friend of mine (divorced mom I introduced him to), he broke it off, she spilled the beans and caused d-day, we've reconciled and 3 years later our marriage is better than ever, IMO, but not without a lot of agony and therapy.

 

Maybe I should thank her?

 

So you did need therapy, and it's nice that you're happily married now. The therapy is considered work to me. My whole point was that couples can decide to attend therapy before an affair. They can. Whether I've been married or not, this is a fact.

 

I found it hard to understand-and still do-why you were debating that issue with me. At least your answer supports my theory. Thanks for sharing. Good luck and continued success.

[sarme]

Thanks for letting me get the rant off my chest. But it was in response to your comments that to me seemed that if his sex life was shattered, then he had grounds for an affair. But I think what you said is that since his marriage was in ruins, then it was okay that he an affair while he was still married to his wife.

 

Either way, I apologize for hitting a nerve. It was just an opinion. As a man who has struggled with a low sex marriage while still having no desire to have an affair, I may have some concern for men who use this as an excuse for rationalizing an affair. I should...as undoubtedly you do...refrain from letting my experiences color my comments.

 

 

Well that was your interpretation and I am not sure what you saw or why you saw that.

 

You hit a nerve because you took my post and twisted it into something you clearly wanted to get off your chest and really had very little to do with what I was saying.

 

But if I inspired you in any way, go to it tiger!!

[Impudent Oyster]

 

It may be the dirty secret in your family but it sure is not in mine. My mother would not put up with that, she is a very strong woman and my father would have been out on his butt if he cheated on her, you have no clue what you are talking about. not all women are whimpy and willing to overlook huge flaws in their marriages in order to stay tied down to a man.

.

 

Sarme you need to grow up. If you think not burdening your children and destroying their faith in their father is keeping a "dirty little secret" from them then I hope you never have children.

 

What a juvenile attitude.

 

This last post demonstrates to me that you have the maturity of a 3rd grader. Good luck with your MM, you're going to need it.

[JamesM]

what the heck are you even going on about!?!?

 

 

I should ask YOU that. I haven't hardly finished my last response to you and you are still answering my first one.

 

My b/f's marriage was not working on every level they were estranged frienemies living under the same roof who saw each other in passing a few times a week. Of course there is going to be no sex in that type of atmosphere.

 

So he WAS still married?

 

If you could just stop thinking like a typical man and stop with the typical sex comments and expand your thoughts to understand that relationships are much more than sex and sex is a byproduct of bigger factors whether it be in a postive light or negative one, maybe you could give the topic and people a rest for a while and understand that people fall in love with other people for many different reasons.

 

Hmmm....I assume that being a typical man is somehow a horrible thing? I think if you knew the slightest about my marriage and life, then you would know that sex is not the reason to fall in love or stay in love. But you will find that I believe that commitment is the foundation for any marriage, and when that commitment is betrayed with another, then how can that new relationship hope to be built on trust and...commitment?

 

In my case my b/f's marriage was in a critical state and feelings were lost and it is very hard to work towards saving something when the feelings are gone.

 

Then I suppose the honorable thing is to leave the marriage and divorce, yes? And I guess this is the perspective of the typical MM.

 

I only answered the sex question because someone asked me how could be sure he was not cheating on me with his wife with sex, I know this because emotionally he was faithful to me the sex thing was irrelevant.

 

Why does it matter if he is faithful to YOU sexually? Why does it matter if he is faithful to YOU emotionally? According to the vows he had taken in front of his friends and family, he said he would be faithful to HER until death do them part, etc. How well did he do with that? And yet you feel he can be trusted to be faithful to you?

 

I apologize if that sounds harsh. It is more spoken out of incredulity. As a MM, I still find it interesting and somehow amazing at how well other MM can persuade OWs to be with them.

 

Truthfully, I do hope that this relationship works for you.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

This is good stuff...

[sarme]

Sarme you need to grow up. If you think not burdening your children and destroying their faith in their father is keeping a "dirty little secret" from them then I hope you never have children.

.

 

 

Bottom line IO is that you do have to keep a dirty secret from your kids you always will.

[noforgiveness]

Did I say that? Please point out where I said a person needs to burden their chidren with details of an affair??

As if I would say something that ridiculous!

 

You have no choice but to keep it a secret. You may be a bad wife and inadequate woman and you may suck as a wife or friend to your spouse and hence he cheats on you but that does not mean you have to be a horrible mother too. It's good to see in your case in that respect you have a good understanding of what's what. Thank goodness you have the common sense at least to keep your children out it, it's not their fault you made cowardly decisions based on fear.

 

 

Wow and they call the BS's bitter.

[Impudent Oyster]

So you did need therapy, and it's nice that you're happily married now. The therapy is considered work to me. My whole point was that couples can decide to attend therapy before an affair. They can. Whether I've been married or not, this is a fact.

 

I found it hard to understand-and still do-why you were debating that issue with me. At least your answer supports my theory. Thanks for sharing. Good luck and continued success.

 

Of course we needed therapy! It was a life-saver. I don't know where you ever got the impression that I didn't agree with it? We're very happy now, but it was not without a lot of hard work and soul-searching. No one comes through infidelity unscathed, but with a good therapist and lots of effort on the part of the spouses, they can have a better and stronger marriage than ever.

 

Thanks for the well-wishes.

[Impudent Oyster]

Bottom line IO is that you do have to keep a dirty secret from your kids you always will.

 

That's right, I will never burden my children with the knowledge that their father betrayed their mother.

 

However, feel free to tell your children that you slept with a married man. I'm sure they'll appreciate that kind of honesty.

[Impudent Oyster]

 

You have no choice but to keep it a secret. You may be a bad wife and inadequate woman and you may suck as a wife or friend to your spouse and hence he cheats on you but that does not mean you have to be a horrible mother too. .

 

OMG...bitter with a capitol "B"...this is funny stuff!

[reboot]

OMG...bitter with a capitol "B"...this is funny stuff!

Incredible isn't it?

[sarme]

Why does it matter if he is faithful to YOU sexually? Why does it matter if he is faithful to YOU emotionally? According to the vows he had taken in front of his friends and family, he said he would be faithful to HER until death do them part, etc. How well did he do with that? And yet you feel he can be trusted to be faithful to you?

 

I apologize if that sounds harsh. It is more spoken out of incredulity. As a MM, I still find it interesting and somehow amazing at how well other MM can persuade OWs to be with them.

 

Truthfully, I do hope that this relationship works for you.

 

He cheated on her not me. I would never neglect my partner emotionally the way she did, I would never go for years on end with the communcation breakdown growing exponentially as each day passes, I would never use my intimacy as a tool for bribery. I would never spend weekend after weekend off doing my own thing and not even accompany my husband to work or social functions because I am so wrapped up in my selfish needs that I forget to be a wife. I would never neglect my marrital duties for my career. I would never ever say to my husband "god stop kissing so much let me breath and get some work done" I would never put off child bearing after 6 yrs of marriage to pursue more money in a career that was already more than satisfying.

 

Most importantly I would never EVER, promise to love and charish my partner to death do us part, unless I was 100% certain that my future with this person was what I wanted for my life.

 

 

If he still cheats on me after all that then I can walk away feeling like I did everything in my power to do things the best way I knew how. The rest is really up to fait destiny and time itself.

 

And yes so do I as we all do when we enter a new relationship, we all hope that love will last and that we can make the best of it.

Hope is what keeps us all going.

[Impudent Oyster]

Incredible isn't it?

 

I haven't laughed this hard in ages, I almost hate to leave to go Christmas shopping...however will I go on with the knowledge that I'm inadequate as a woman? Wah..wah...someone call a wahmbulance!

[whichwayisup]

I would never neglect my partner emotionally the way she did, I would never go for years on end with the communcation breakdown growing exponentially as each day passes

 

Sarme, it took them BOTH to allow their marriage to come undone, I don't understand why you are putting the demise of their marriage ALL on his wife.

 

He cheated on her not me.

 

Yes, and because he cheated, whatever was left in their marriage that could have been salvaged, never had a chance because he chose to cheat on her with you. Instead of him divorcing or leaving her, he chose to stay married and cheat on his own wife.

[JamesM]

He cheated on her not me. I would never neglect my partner emotionally the way she did, I would never go for years on end with the communication breakdown growing exponentially as each day passes, I would never use my intimacy as a tool for bribery. I would never spend weekend after weekend off doing my own thing and not even accompany my husband to work or social functions because I am so wrapped up in my selfish needs that I forget to be a wife. I would never neglect my marital duties for my career. I would never ever say to my husband "god stop kissing so much let me breath and get some work done" I would never put off child bearing after 6 yrs of marriage to pursue more money in a career that was already more than satisfying.

 

Most importantly I would never EVER, promise to love and cherish my partner to death do us part, unless I was 100% certain that my future with this person was what I wanted for my life.

 

 

 

 

And yes so do I as we all do when we enter a new relationship, we all hope that love will last and that we can make the best of it.

Hope is what keeps us all going.

 

Those are all great words, and sarme, I hope they come true. But face it...almost every person who gets married has the same aspirations. And I have yet to meet someone who says after the divorce that they planned for it.

 

As for all of this information about horrible her, remember...it comes from him. Your opinion of her is based on what he has told you. Guaranteed...there is another side.

 

While he may seem totally devoted to you, this may change. While you may never be all of those things mentioned above, do you think that there is the possibility that if he cheats on you, then he will paint you as some horrible woman who never....blah, blah? It may be a list of different "evils," but there could be a list.

 

Just don't be naive and think you could never be her in his eyes. This is not only a fallacy, but it could be dangerous to your emotional wellbeing.

 

And no, hope is NOT all that we have in marriage. What we have and need is...commitment. Without it, we are doomed to failure.

[sarme]

Sarme, it took them BOTH to allow their marriage to come undone, I don't understand why you are putting the demise of their marriage ALL on his wife.

 

 

 

Yes, and because he cheated, whatever was left in their marriage that could have been salvaged, never had a chance because he chose to cheat on her with you. Instead of him divorcing or leaving her, he chose to stay married and cheat on his own wife.

 

 

Yes but you feel you can only give so much until you feel you just don't want to give anymore, you end up resenting the person and the possibility of recovery is dismal. Add to that the fact that he was never fell "in love" with her, yes he loved her but not with passion or deep attraction like most relationships start, they drifted into a relationship because they were roomates and she pursued him and it was convenient for him at the time they were 24, then they dated for 6yrs until finally she said marry me or else we are done, so he did and he figured things would get better with time and they didn't. Of course they are both to blame for the breakdown but I know that I would never do a lot of things his wife did, it's just not in me.

 

He has his faults but some people are better matched, I can't get enough of his affection his wife was bothered she was culturally colder and he and I are of the exact same cultural background we just understand each other better and communicate a lot, something he did not have with her at all. They were both conflict avoiders and it did them no good. I get things out of him and he is learing to communicate more effectively and he wants to.

[sarme]

As for all of this information about horrible her, remember...it comes from him. Your opinion of her is based on what he has told you. Guaranteed...there is another side.

 

.

 

 

It comes from all his friends and family, his own sister told me they were missmatched and her parents did not see their future but of course they did not want to meddle.

 

Look I don't have to prove anything else to any of you, my guy was married and now he is divorced and we are doing our best to make our relationship as good as we can, and we are super attracted to one another and intensely in love. that's all that matters to me, time will tell how things turn out. Seriously your bout of confidence or lack there of is irrelevant to me, the person I needed to come through for me did, so my experience is my gospel.